I need some help on how to......

[Sabledrake]

It always amazes me how few people on a SEX board have cheated on their spouses. According to what I read here I am the ONLY woman involved in an affair. Since there are many surveys out there claiming over 50% of married people cheat I find this amazing.

Well, for what it's worth, I did cheat on my first spouse with the guy who later became my current spouse. Does that count?

Sabledrake

 

[voxovixen]

[No message]

 

[Elron]

Alright, I will fess up. Guilty. But I think that when you are the one who is married, you tend to keep your mouth shut more.

No guts no glory, well not that there is any to be had but still.

Thank you all, you have all helped in one way or another. And I am grateful.

I will let you know how it all turns out, who knows maybe there will be a happy ending for a change but I wouldn't hold my breath on that one. If nothing else then maybe just an ending.

Anyway thanks all.

And if youcome up with anything else please feel free to tell me.

Later

 

[warrior queen]

Face it folks, some people have low sex drives, some folks (like me), have very high sex drives. The two shouldn't mix because eventually it boils over and the resentment sets in because one partner is feeling like their wants or needs are not only not met, but that they don't matter.

i sooooo agree with this - having been in that exact position in my first marriage.

it was all good for the first year - then all of a sudden i was expected to be grateful if i got sex for my birthday and christmas.

i stuck with him for near on 7 years, thinking we could work through the issues of incompatibility, but it never happened.
we could communicate on every other level in our marriage, except this!

but i didn't give up on the possibility that my husband and i might be able to sort it out. well, not until i went for a whole year without so much as a kiss and hug.
he used to tell me he loved me, but wouldn't touch me.

tell me that the sexual isolation is not enough to justify seeking that intimacy somewhere else - and before you do, i'd like to see each person deal with that long without it.

in the end i had an affair, and it showed me exactly what was missing in my relationship - and i left.
the other connections that we had were not enough to counter the lack of intimacy.

 

[FFhotwife]

Hmmm...

Boy, have you got yourself in a mess. This may sound harsh but I am a firm believer in relationships and marriage. I am glad you are going to do the right thing but, I think you 1) need to break off the relationship with your lover, 2) talk to your wife and tell her the two of you need counseling. If you really loved her and cherished the vows you took, you needed to get the problem with your sex life straightened out before you cheated (and continue to do so). Obviously, communication with your wife is not the best. This affair is not hurting you one bit, it is hurting your wife and your lover's husband. This is just my two cents and again, I am sorry it is so harsh. Good luck!

 

[Guest]

 

[Elron]

For all those who think it is just about sex and nothing more, it is not. It is never being touched, never being held, and never being loved. The love is there and you know it, sometimes when you look just right you catch a glimpse of it. You talk about it and you are told that it is there and you believe it. You have to believe it, that is all that is really left the hope and belief that it is there. And yet after all the talking and all the doing it still is not present. Ask yourselves what you would do? Would you hold out until the end of time, knowing that you are giving up all that you could have. Or would take an opportunity to feel that love once more, just one more time before the end.

I know what I did and I would do it again. I love both the women in my life, very much and I will always love them. Both of them will be hurt by me and that kills me. I have no desire to hurt anyone at all, I never have and I never will. All I ever wanted was to be loved the way I can love, totally and completely. Yet even to cuddle with my wife is an issue and yes I have talked with her about that also. I read tons on how to help your wife and how to be a better husband and how to do this and how to do that. I did try and I made an effort, now don't get me wrong I am not trying to justify any of this, in the end it is still wrong. Well wrong with what we are told is right, but maybe not with what all of us believe. Who knows really, we all are faced with choices and decisions we must make, some of us will make the right ones and some of us won't, that is the nature of life learning, who and what we are and being happy with that when the time comes.

I know I have failed at marriage, if it was a test I blew it, plain and simple. But I have not failed at love and at sharing, these I do well. I have failed at protecting those I love from unneeded pain.
Yet it was out of love that this protection failed. So is it really a failure or is it a sacrifice? That question I can not even attempt to answer. I can only be me, unfortunately, a man who is loved and loves. A man who needs to be held and wishes to hold. That is all.

Thank you though, all of you. Understanding is a comodotity in todays world and everyone here seems to have some of it in one form or another.

Elron

 

[Bobmi357]

Alright, I will fess up. Guilty. But I think that when you are the one who is married, you tend to keep your mouth shut more. Even on a BB like this.

Not guilty. I waited until I had moved out on my ex and had divorce proceedings started before I had sex with another woman. I married that woman.

I didn't cheat during the marriage, not for lack of opportunity, but because I had promised not to when I got married. 10yrs later and I'm married, and have had no desire to cheat on my wife. Oh sure there are a few women I have a lust for, but those are fantasies, I doubt Nicole Kiddman is about to walk into my office and grind her face into my crotch.

 

[Bandit58]

I have been the other woman.....still am with one guy. The first one I met online and we had a passionate affair for a year, most of it was online and phone but we did meet physically half a dozen times. In the end he broke it off with me because he knew he wasn't being fair to keep my hopes up that he would leave his wife for me.....he's still with her three months down the track, as far as I know it's still the same unhappy marriage it was when I met him in May last year. We're still friends, talk occasionally, but that's all it can be now......

The second man I have known since we were kids but only got close again a few months ago. He's bi (as am I), also has a fetish for ladies underwear. His wife knows nothing of this, she's very vanilla. We are just fuck buddies but we can be ourselves with each other and he says he's never been able to be with his wife in the way he can with me.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 23 years and never cheated.....too afraid. I think I would have if I had found someone, but the opportunity never came along. Now I realise how my emotional and physical needs were never met throughout that entire marriage, we were like strangers even though we lived in the same house and had two children together. That first lover showed me how it was supposed to be and I'll always be grateful to him for that.....

Elron I know what it's like to never be touched or held with love....or to just be fucked cos the other person wants to get their rocks off. He'd go out on the farm all day, never speak to me, and expect to find a loving sexy woman when he got into bed at night. It got so I hated him in the end, couldn't stand him to touch me but he'd get so pissed and give me the silent treatment for days it just got easier to lie there and go places in my mind and let him get on with it. In the end it was just one more putdown and I told him that was it. I'd been unhappy and depressed for years and didn't know it......communication was non existent. Now I know how much I missed out on, and I've since found that others miss out on a lot too......at least you've tried to tell your wife how you feel, my ex treated me like part of the furniture and it got so I didn't want to talk to him at all.

Good luck, and be happy......

 

[Bobmi357]

For all those who think it is just about sex and nothing more, it is not. It is never being touched, never being held, and never being loved. The love is there and you know it, sometimes when you look just right you catch a glimpse of it. You talk about it and you are told that it is there and you believe it. You have to believe it, that is all that is really left the hope and belief that it is there. And yet after all the talking and all the doing it still is not present. Ask yourselves what you would do? Would you hold out until the end of time, knowing that you are giving up all that you could have. Or would take an opportunity to feel that love once more, just one more time before the end.

Elron,
I've been in that sort of situation. You go through life wondering if everyone else is as miserable as you are. You may love your wife, but you also resent and hate what she's doing to you.

I've worked the 70hour weeks solely because I've hated going home. I hated the empty bed as the wife moved into the kids room, sleeping on the floor, with the door locked. I hated the begging for a hug and a kiss, the lack of affection. I hated that everytime I asked for us to have sex, it ended up in a fight. I hated having sex with her because she was mean and cruel asking questions like "Is it in yet?" or "Will you hurry up?". I hated it so bad that the last time we had sex, I gave up and faked an orgasm, waited for her to go to bed then jerked myself off. I watched my health fail me, my mental state border on depression. I watched and waited until I ended up writhing on the living room floor one late sunday night, in need of emergency medical attention and she refused to come out of her bedroom.

I divorced her. She was hurt and surprised when I told her I was moving out and filing for divorce. SHE THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS HUNKY-DORY!!! I gave her four months of warning and she didn't believe me until the day I started moving my stuff from our apartment with my boys screaming and crying. Leaving my boys hurt me far more than leaving her. My first nite in my one room apartment I sat on the bed and wept like a 2yr old, just thinking about my boys. Its the one big regret of my life, leaving those boys with their mother. But the courts need serious reasons to take the kids away from a mother.

If you're in the situation you describe, don't prolong the pain. Get out of the relationship before kids enter into the picture. You think you love her now, but as the years pass, your love will turn to resentment, then to hatred. I know, I've been through it.

Now I'm married to a wonderful woman, who likes to be hugged by me. We hold hands even while just sitting and watching TV. 10yrs we've been together and her touch still excites me like a teenager holding his first breast. Her voice can get me rock hard, her eyes are like the whole universe and I can get lost staring into them. I love playing with her hair or caressing her cheek with the back of my hand. And she loves me doing that.

Don't get me wrong, I still think that cheating on your wife is wrong. I believe you went about it the wrong way entirely. You broke a vow and lessened yourself in the process. If what you describe is true, then you should give her one last opportunity to fix things. Explain to her that you are seriously considering a seperation with intent to divorce. That might wake her out of her puritan attitude, but I really doubt it. Once you've given her that chance, and nothings come of it, go through with the intent. Move out, become single again and find yourself a woman that wants you as much as you want her.

In the long run you'll feel better about yourself for having done the honorable thing.

 

[Elron]

Well Bob, all I can really say is thank you. I don't often have a problem figuring out something to say but in your case I will make an exception. Thank you, it is good to know that I am not alone, at least not totally.

And Bandit Thank you just as much, both of you have my unquestioned respect and admiration.

Again Thank You.

 

[Jaybird3]

Like I said, you aren't alone in this one. It happens far more than anyone would like to admit.

 

[Elron]

Jaybird you are welcome in my world anytime.

Thank You dear, you are wonderful.

 

[Jaybird3]

Just "paying it forward" as someone was there for me.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Gee - where were all you guys when I'm getting bashed on the general board for having a married lover! lol Nobody ever speaks up then! j/k cuz it is a serious situation. Just one more reason I am personally against marriage. I kind of liked that idea where you get a marriage license for one year then have to renew it yearly! Would save a lot of pain in the long run!?!?! (no - probably not)

The point is there's no guarantees in life - and life is very long - espcially if you and your partner are not compatible. I tend to be hedonistic - I say take your pleasure while you can. If you are lucky it will be with a loving spouse. Many of us are not that lucky.

 

[smoke34]

i sooooo agree with this - having been in that exact position in my first marriage.

it was all good for the first year - then all of a sudden i was expected to be grateful if i got sex for my birthday and christmas.

i stuck with him for near on 7 years, thinking we could work through the issues of incompatibility, but it never happened.
we could communicate on every other level in our marriage, except this!

but i didn't give up on the possibility that my husband and i might be able to sort it out. well, not until i went for a whole year without so much as a kiss and hug.
he used to tell me he loved me, but wouldn't touch me.

tell me that the sexual isolation is not enough to justify seeking that intimacy somewhere else - and before you do, i'd like to see each person deal with that long without it.

in the end i had an affair, and it showed me exactly what was missing in my relationship - and i left.
the other connections that we had were not enough to counter the lack of intimacy.

Tell it like it is! I lived through a lot of years in sexual isolation...nothing.. I believed in marriage..forever..till death do us part....not cheating...until I felt so cheated by a woman that I loved, married, and lived with.. cheated out of intimacy, sex....THEN something changed. I met a wonderful lady, and the attraction and connection was so strong that we share so much more than the wife and I have ever shared. So yes, you people who would criticize those of us who have found intimacy and wonderful sex outside the marriage, try living 5, 10, 20 years completely shut off from the sexual part of your life....then tell me you still think no one should find it with someone....

Ed

 

[FFhotwife]

Can I just ask you all a question? If you are all so miserable in your "sexless" marriages for 5-15 years or more, why don't you just leave before having that affair? And don't tell me you "love" that person-you are probably very comfortable and don't want things disrupted at home. The only person that will get hurt is your spouse when they find out (oh, and you when they find out). An affair is a cop-out way of trying to fix what is wrong. You all have a "reason" for your affairs but did you think of a reason not to have one? A marriage takes two, lots of hard work on both ends and open communication! I guess marriage vows means so much more to some people. I just think that you should finish or end one thing before starting another. These are just my opinions-good luck to each one of you who are having an affair. I just don't know how you can live in a lie and not have it eat you up.

 

[Guest]

 

[voxovixen]

[No message]

 

[warrior queen]

Can I just ask you all a question? If you are all so miserable in your "sexless" marriages for 5-15 years or more, why don't you just leave before having that affair? And don't tell me you "love" that person-you are probably very comfortable and don't want things disrupted at home. The only person that will get hurt is your spouse when they find out (oh, and you when they find out). An affair is a cop-out way of trying to fix what is wrong. You all have a "reason" for your affairs but did you think of a reason not to have one? A marriage takes two, lots of hard work on both ends and open communication! I guess marriage vows means so much more to some people. I just think that you should finish or end one thing before starting another. These are just my opinions-good luck to each one of you who are having an affair. I just don't know how you can live in a lie and not have it eat you up.

you said it in one sentence......
"A marriage takes two, lots of hard work on both ends, and open communication."

what you, and others who criticised in this thread, have failed to recognise, is that sometimes that hard work is done on every other level except for the intimacy one.
and if every other aspect of the relationship is seemingly fine, then most of us have tried extremely hard to get the intimacy thing repaired also - because we all believed in what we were trying to do - keep the marriage together, keep the relationship intact, 'till death do us part'.

but sometimes that is not possible - my ex and i got on perfectly fine in every other area of our relationship - he and i had so much in common.... and sometimes that was enough to counter the lack of intimacy.
but eventually my longing to be held, touched, kissed, made love to - my need for intimacy on a physical level - that need overpowered the emotional togetherness we felt, and that's when i had an affair.

and when i had the affair, i realised that although i had been trying so hard to fix my marriage, that one aspect of it was important.
so important (to me) that i left my ex, and moved on to another relationship that could give me all that and more.

finishing one relationship before starting another sounds like a good way to be - but it is not always the way things go in the 'real' world.

 

[Jaybird3]

Thank you Warrior Queen.

That is what I keep trying to tell people. IF the SPOUSE won't communicate, then you can't be open and honest. IF the SPOUSE won't go to councilling then you can go until you are blue in the face and it won't help.

 

[Bobmi357]

This is something I still fail to understand. Why must people cheat before they realize that there is a fatal problem in their marriage?

I went through something similar to Elron and Warrior Queen. But unlike them I divorced then went out to find someone I could be happy with.

Shouldn't the realization that you're seriously considering breaking your marriage vows be indication enough that you've reached the breaking point in your marriage and need to end it? It did with me. I bit the bullet as painful as it was and did what I considered was the right thing for me, not for the wife, not for my kids, but for me. I realize thats a selfish attitude, but I also figured that living in an environment where Mommy and Daddy never said a civil word to one another, wasn't good for the kids either.

I guess what I'm saying is that once you reach that point where you say to yourself "Yeah I'd cheat on her/him", isn't that realization enough that its over? Wouldn't be better at that point to go the full route of divorce so you can play around without any possibilities of being exposed and having the mother of all fights with your spouse?

My advice to anyone staying in a marriage they hate, end it first, then find yourself someone acceptable to you. You'll feel better about yourself.

 

[Jaybird3]

Bobmi,

The answer that I get most frequently to that very question is because their spouse would be hurt. Then the following question is won't your cheating on her if she finds out hurt as well? The most common answer to that one is "Yes, but then maybe she will admit that there is something wrong between us".

 

[Bobmi357]

Bobmi,

The answer that I get most frequently to that very question is because their spouse would be hurt. Then the following question is won't your cheating on her if she finds out hurt as well? The most common answer to that one is "Yes, but then maybe she will admit that there is something wrong between us".

Strange. By the time I realized that I WOULD cheat on my wife, I was beyond caring if I hurt her or not.

Maybe its a difference in situations, I was in an affection-free, sex-free marriage. I grew to resent the situation, then hate it and her.

 

[Elron]

All I can say to those who disagree is walk a mile in our shoes and see how you fair. We all have notoins and ideas, over time, through poeple and in various other ways, our perceptions change. Right, wrong or otherwise, it all changes and there is nothing we can do about it.

Bob, I would have to agree that the way you handled yourself is by far the best. There is no doubt in my mind about that. In my case the answer to your question would be it took cheating to realize there was a fatal flaw, not only in the marriage, but within each of us as well.


I guess time will tell.

Elron