I need some help on how to......

[crazybbwgirl]

This is such a great, interesting thread. And in the end we will all do what ever it is we NEED to do. And we all have different needs. Regardless of what so and so says or thinks we each have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror each morning. People go to great lengths to do the 'right' thing. Sometimes the right thing is to stay in a relationship with no intimacy. Sometimes its to find that intimacy outside the relationship. And sometimes it is to end it. All have their good/bad points. What works for me won't necessarily work for somebody else.

I say don't be too quick to judge others harshly. Even if you think you've been there and made it through- therefore everyone else should be able to too. That's not always the case.

 

[Jaybird3]

Thank you Crazybbwgirl, I have been saying that one all along.

 

[Gil_T2]

I have read a lot of the posts & my main though is I've heard this some many times from both sexes who are "IN LOVE" with their SO but sexually they are not happy because of low sex drives or high sex drives by one of the parties.I had a wife 18 years younger than me yet her sex drive was minimal so for years I didn't say anything & kept trying to get her to try new things to find her likes so we could "MAKE LOVE" more, I never persisted with any kind of hassling for sex but no luck so what do people do
find a lover who does (which I didn't in my marrage).I'n the years since we split most of my lovers have been either married or had a B/F ages from 24 years younger than me to 10 years older & all say it was what their relationship lacked.

Si is it wrong or right ???? I don't know but all my ladies are still with their SO & much happier than they were.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
I have read a lot of the posts & my main though is I've heard this some many times from both sexes who are "IN LOVE" with their SO but sexually they are not happy because of low sex drives or high sex drives by one of the parties.I had a wife 18 years younger than me yet her sex drive was minimal so for years I didn't say anything & kept trying to get her to try new things to find her likes so we could "MAKE LOVE" more, I never persisted with any kind of hassling for sex but no luck so what do people do find a lover who does (which I didn't in my marrage).I'n the years since we split most of my lovers have been either married or had a B/F ages from 24 years younger than me to 10 years older & all say it was what their relationship lacked.

Si is it wrong or right ???? I don't know but all my ladies are still with their SO & much happier than they were.

Gil I think the issue here and on all the other threads when a person has sex with someone other than their SO is whether cheating is involved or not. If the two people in the relationship where they have either exchanged vows of exclusivity or where that was an implied assumption, agree that one or both of the people may have sex with another person (eg an open marriage/relationship) than whether we personally agree with this morally is irrelevant....the two parties have agreed and the sexual relationship with the other person can occur without lying and hiding and breaking the trust of the other. Unfortunately this is not always the case though....often there is no agreement by both people...and it is the dishonesty and disrepect for the trust placed in the person and the breaking of your word (vows) that bothers some of us.

If you're unhappy in your marriage/relationship do your best to fix it....or talk to your SO and have an agreement that part of the solution is opening your relationship.....or decide that while it's not perfect, on balance you're prepared to live with it as is....or if it's not tolerable as is, be honest with yourself and your SO and end the relationship....before you start another. Just whatever you do be honest about it...

That's my take on it....it's not about the sex...it's about being honest, respectful, worthy of trust, and keeping your word.

Never been cheated on...never cheated on a SO.....but damn I've been sorely tempted more than once to have an affair with a married man ....but resisted the temptation....due to respect for him, his wife and children....and me. It's just about how you want to live your life.


I can hear the debate beginning to rumble already

 

[Jaybird3]

If you're unhappy in your marriage/relationship do your best to fix it....or talk to your SO and have an agreement that part of the solution is opening your relationship.....or decide that while it's not perfect, on balance you're prepared to live with it as is....or if it's not tolerable as is, be honest with yourself and your SO and end the relationship....before you start another. Just whatever you do be honest about it...

I think that this is what gets to the heart of the matter. I have been reading a blog that is titled "Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You".

This seems to be the same way of thinking on there. My problem arises when sex is used as a "power play tool". You can't talk to a S/O when they won't talk. You can get all the counciling in the world, but if the other person isn't willing to see anything wrong you will just someone that has had all the counciling in the world and still unhappy.

It comes to the point that one of the two has to do something.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Jaybird3
I think that this is what gets to the heart of the matter. I have been reading a blog that is titled "Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You".

This seems to be the same way of thinking on there. My problem arises when sex is used as a "power play tool". You can't talk to a S/O when they won't talk. You can get all the counciling in the world, but if the other person isn't willing to see anything wrong you will just someone that has had all the counciling in the world and still unhappy.

It comes to the point that one of the two has to do something.

You're right Jaybird..you can only control yourself...that's why if whatever you do alone (in your example) isn't enough it might come down to deciding there is enough other good stuff in the relationship to stay or deciding to end it...both of which are in your control.

Never said the decisions were easy....trust me I know they aren't.

 

[Jaybird3]

My point is simply this, we don't know all to the situation. I have a friend that has been trying for nearly 4 years to get a divorce. There are mental competencies issues. That is why I won't judge someone for cheating.

But I do believe that the cheater and the person that is being cheated on are the ones that stand to suffer.

Very good point wicked woman.

 

[Elron]

Been awhile and someone asked for an update so here ya'all go.

No more lover, gone by the wayside. After many hours of thinking and rethinking, I decided that a lover was not an answer only another problem. No matter how wonderfull and happy it made me it was still not the answer.

So instead I have been talking with my real lover and coming to an understanding together. I have high hopes and so does she. I never confessed about the affair. I decided that is my pain and sharing it is probably not the best thing to do if I truly wish to make it better and stay together. Many of you will disagree with that, but it is my choice not yours.

I guess we all have to learn our own way. And we will all make different choices. Right wrong or otherwise we have to do it for ourselves or it really doesn't matter at all.

For now though my wife and I are talking and more open now than we have ever been. I am not sure why that is, but it is good.
And with any luck we can continue down the road we are on.

Thank you all for your thoughts, everything helps, when you are alone and in the dark.

Elron

 

[wicked woman]

Thanks so much for the update Elron....I'm really pleased things have worked out for you the way they have and that you are hopeful working things out with your wife. Wishing the two of you all the best.

 

[Bobmi357]

BRAVO Elron!

I think you've made the correct choices for yourself and your situation.

I wish that you have good luck and good sex for many years to come.

 

[BTK51]

I never confessed about the affair. I decided that is my pain and sharing it is probably not the best thing to do if I truly wish to make it better and stay together. Many of you will disagree with that, but it is my choice not yours.

For now though my wife and I are talking and more open now than we have ever been. I am not sure why that is, but it is good.
And with any luck we can continue down the road we are on.

Elron

I for one think that are right not to "confess". It might ease your guilt but would only bring pain and hurt the current progress and hope for the future. Just my opinion!

I think that it appears to be working because it sounds like both are giving it your full effort. the biggest reason that comunication and relationships fail is because one or both people don't give it the 100%. It's not always easy to keep on keepin on when you can't see progress, but that's what when the 100% effirt is REALLY needed.

Good Luck & keep us posted.

 

[midwestyankee]

Been awhile and someone asked for an update so here ya'all go.

<snip>

So instead I have been talking with my real lover and coming to an understanding together. I have high hopes and so does she. I never confessed about the affair. I decided that is my pain and sharing it is probably not the best thing to do if I truly wish to make it better and stay together. Many of you will disagree with that, but it is my choice not yours.

<snip>

Elron

Elron,

Good for you on continuing to make some progress with this.

I am curious (and not judgmental) about one thing: as you and your wife continue to talk openly, don't you think the question will come up: "Did you ever consider having an affair when we were not so close as we are now?" When it does, what do you think the impact will be when you answer honestly (as I assume you would since you are both being more open now) and reveal that you did, in fact, have an affair? And then, what will the impact be when she learns that the affair ended about the same time the two of you managed to improve your communication, but you didn't tell her about it until later?

Just wondering if you've thought about these consequences of your decision, that's all.

 

[Jaybird3]

I would hope that Elron has more good sense than to jeopardize what he has going by actually not answering that question at all. Or if there was ever a question to lie about that would be the one.

I don't see wrecking what they have worked so hard to put back together for one question. I normally would never say to lie to a partner about anything, but if the affair is truly over and he wants to save the marriage, then this is the one time that telling the truth would be of no good use to anyone.

 

[BTK51]

I agree to a large extent w/ Jaybird. On the other hand, 100% honesty is the only right way to be. In the example above (I know misleading is lying) a response like " I am ashamed to say that I was tempted and did think about it. I'm so glad that I don't get those thoughts any more ..." & Quickly change the subject. Even if flat-out asked, answering the same way and getting away without lying is a possibility.

While this appears to be a case of having a convenient concience, I really think that if he indeed has changed his behavior and doesn't ever want to consider going down that road again, that compounding the problem is not the answer. This a tough decision that Elron will have to make.

 

[Elron]

It is not a tough decision to have to make, somethings just go the grave with you, that is the way it is.

Telling her about it will not do any good, why should she be punished for my ignorance?

 

[Bobmi357]

Ordinarily I would agree that 100% honesty is important. BUT I'll make an exception every time when being honest means I have to hurt someone I love.

Telling her would serve no purpose. It wouldn't make him feel any less guilty, and it would give him additional guilt for hurting his wife.

She might eventually guess that something along these lines might have occured, but only because he's bringing up a problem, in effect, trying to change the status quo of the relationship and she might be wondering about his motives.

Imagine it, as far she was concerned, everything was going along as normal, and suddenly he lays this issue on the table. A person can't help but wonder about the motives behind it. If I were Elron and questioned about my motives, I'd admit to being sorely tempted to seek some relief outside the relationship, but I wanted to see if it were possible to fix what I felt was wrong in the relationship before resorting to that. And thats where'd I'd leave it. Sure its a lie, but in the grand scheme of things, its one that is meant to "not hurt her feelings". Telling her would only hurt her, and hurt the relationship. And he IS trying to fix the relationship, not damage it further.

- Bob

 

[sheath]

Ordinarily I would agree that 100% honesty is important. BUT I'll make an exception every time when being honest means I have to hurt someone I love.

Telling her would serve no purpose. It wouldn't make him feel any less guilty, and it would give him additional guilt for hurting his wife.

- Bob

I agree with this.

If the question comes up, if she asks him if he ever considered having an affair, he could answer honestly and say yes. She probably won't be surprised by that, if they are talking openly and she knows just how bad things have been the last several years. He wouldn't be human if he wasn't tempted on some level, so a 'yes, I thought about it' might hurt, but it would also be an understandable thing.

If she asks him, 'Have you ever', what good would it do to tell her? It would unburden his conscience, and that's basically all the 'good' it might do. The pain for her would be immeasurable, and might end the relationship right then. Some will argue that she deserves to know...and truth be told, I'm usually one of those. She does deserve to know. But would her closure and knowledge outweigh the pain?

Elron, you're right, it's your choice. All I would say is: don't tell her to simply unburden yourself, though there might be times you are dying to do so. I think you made the right choice by not telling her.

I'm glad things are working out for you. You have my support.

S.

 

[midwestyankee]

I agree with this.

If the question comes up, if she asks him if he ever considered having an affair, he could answer honestly and say yes. She probably won't be surprised by that, if they are talking openly and she knows just how bad things have been the last several years. He wouldn't be human if he wasn't tempted on some level, so a 'yes, I thought about it' might hurt, but it would also be an understandable thing.

If she asks him, 'Have you ever', what good would it do to tell her? It would unburden his conscience, and that's basically all the 'good' it might do. The pain for her would be immeasurable, and might end the relationship right then. Some will argue that she deserves to know...and truth be told, I'm usually one of those. She does deserve to know. But would her closure and knowledge outweigh the pain?

Elron, you're right, it's your choice. All I would say is: don't tell her to simply unburden yourself, though there might be times you are dying to do so. I think you made the right choice by not telling her.

I'm glad things are working out for you. You have my support.

S.

This is such a difficult question to answer, whether or not to tell your SO about an affair that is now over. I've never had to think my way to an answer (and don't plan on ever having to), but I raised the question here because I felt it was important for Elron to have considered it. And to have thought it through well.

 

[Elron]

Hello again, it's me margaret. No really it is not, but lately I am in such a good mood I thought some humor might be kind of nice.

I just wanted to thank everyone that helped one more time. Everything everyeone said helped me and I appreciate it greatly. I feel pretty fortunate to have had the advice of all of you and without it I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now.

Things have never been better with our relationship, we talk more and more all the time, I have a great understanding of her needs and she of mine. I think that is the key. I am really glad we got everything worked out. We are going to Hawaii soon for a second honeymoon, that should be fun. Well honestly how could it not be?

I still have moments of guilt and rightly so, I am pretty sure that will never go away. To bad I had to learn the hard way, but at least I learned. I can't honestly say I regret it, without having gone down that road I wouldn't be at the point I am now. It's not right though and that is the hard part to take. For anyone thinking they need to do the same thing, go for it, but remember you have to live with it the rest of your life.

So I guess what I am trying to say is happy endings are possible poeple. Don't doubt it and don't give up on them, and if you love someone for fucks sake show it and don't go cowering away to someone else like I did. Have some balls and use them, like I should have.

Thank you all and Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elron

 

[wicked woman]

Thanks again for the update Elron....always great to hear when things turn out well.

 

[ReadyOne]

Twice (that I can remember) my SO has asked me a question that I didn't want to answer, like "Have you stopped beating your wife?" or "Do I look fat in these pants?" or "Did you and her fuck around?".

Each time I told her, "You really don't want to know."

It's interesting that after consideration, she decided she trusted me to know best about telling her.

(One time was about a Chirstmas present, the other was about the contents of a story I'd written involving her family.)

And when she asked the "Are you and her sleeping together?" question, I told her I'd talk to her about it over the weekend. She was patient and waited for us to be together again before discussing it.

(And I was living and sleeping with the other women. The end result was that I left the other woman for my now SO, who had finally gotten smart enough to ask the question.)