i need this to be perfect.

[dmetria]

shit

how do i close this out. i feel like the dumbest most naive person in the whole fucking world. this really sucks right now. i hate that you are all right. i want to fucking cry. gods couldnt i just get to experience this one time? fuck this sucks.

 

[Ropebunny]

how do i close this out. i feel like the dumbest most naive person in the whole fucking world. this really sucks right now. i hate that you are all right. i want to fucking cry. gods couldnt i just get to experience this one time? fuck this sucks.

You have the rest of your life to experience what you want to experience. I get that you're disappointed that it may not be as soon as you hoped. However I think spending more time educating yourself about how to do what you want safely, and getting to know a safe person capable of giving you what you want sounds like a pretty good idea.

The more time and effort you spend into discovering the right person to experience your fantasy, the more likely it is to be perfect.

 

[dmetria]

You have the rest of your life to experience what you want to experience. I get that you're disappointed that it may not be as soon as you hoped. However I think spending more time educating yourself about how to do what you want safely, and getting to know a safe person capable of giving you what you want sounds like a pretty good idea.

The more time and effort you spend into discovering the right person to experience your fantasy, the more likely it is to be perfect.

how will i know if they are safe when i cant even trust my own judgement?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

You have the rest of your life to experience what you want to experience. I get that you're disappointed that it may not be as soon as you hoped. However I think spending more time educating yourself about how to do what you want safely, and getting to know a safe person capable of giving you what you want sounds like a pretty good idea.

The more time and effort you spend into discovering the right person to experience your fantasy, the more likely it is to be perfect.

^This^ And a really big hug for what hurts.

 

[dmetria]

ok. thank you all.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yannoo... try looking for people in your own actual area. I suggest joining fetlife.com and looking for munches and events that you can get to. Go out and meet people. Don't expect them to take you home and ravish you the day you meet them. Talk to other people about the guys who make flirt with you, see who has a sense of humor and you can trust a little bit.

 

[dmetria]

Yannoo... try looking for people in your own actual area. I suggest joining fetlife.com and looking for munches and events that you can get to. Go out and meet people. Don't expect them to take you home and ravish you the day you meet them. Talk to other people about the guys who make flirt with you, see who has a sense of humor and you can trust a little bit.

K probably going to hermit for while.. Feeling kind o raw and not too confident.. Thank you though.

 

[KoPilot]

K probably going to hermit for while.. Feeling kind o raw and not too confident.. Thank you though.

I second Stella's rec for Fetlife. Maybe while you're in hermit mode, you might still be interested in doing a bit of lurking about the groups over there. Lots of people, lots of topics of discussion, lots of points of view. It might help to find a group in your area that you could conceivably meet up with someday and lurk around ther to get a feel for the people too. Good luck.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

how will i know if they are safe when i cant even trust my own judgement?

There are no guarantees. It's about choosing to leap or not. If you aren't sure, waiting until you are is often a help. Slow down. Breathe more. Listen more. And never underestimate the value of having a caring third party that knows you well and that you can reach out to for safety checks that has no vested interest in the outcome except for your well being. Maybe more than 1.

You will get far better advice from the experienced posters round here than I could ever give, by some great advice I got from someone in my life about dating in general was that of you have to explain and defend this person to your best friends who know you well... Then it's a big red flag that it is not a good match. It has proven to be very wise advice for me.

A question that helped me gain some perspective on the trust topic was when I was asked "If you can't trust yourself then how can you expect anyone else to?"

Just my 2 cents.

And remember you were whole before you met him, and though it feels upsetting, losing him actually takes nothing from you. Hang in there, it will get better. If you have it in you to keep looking, I believe that you will eventually find what will be perfect for you.

 

[dmetria]

beautiful

Beautiful. thank you. Great advice all around. I realize i was being kind of lazy and impatient and that probably led to me effectively blinding myself... I will try harder to be less impatient and less trusting.. Less ridiculously gullible... And advice all else less lazy.. I was wanting someone else to know everything be everything basically making it to where i did not have to learn anything because they would just know it and i could deepened on them.. Big mistake.. I want ty know what to look for...so i don't make this mistake again.. Also i think i probably be disclosing everything on here in hopes that better mind than mine can and will continue to tell me when i am being amazingly obtuse... And continue to remind me...i can say no.

 

[Stella_Omega]

basically making it to where i did not have to learn anything because they would just know it and i could deepened on them.. Big mistake.

This is a brilliant moment of self-awareness. So good!

And so hard to deal, I know.

 

[dmetria]

This is a brilliant moment of self-awareness. So good!

And so hard to deal, I know.

thank you for making me smile. what is sub frenzy? trying to look it up but no luck..

 

[dmetria]

o nm

the page finally loaded nm

 

[dmetria]

holy shit

http://safesubcenter.blogspot.com/2005/06/sub-frenzy.html

omg that describes everything that just fucking happened omg thats crazy


i am so glad to know that those feelings were not really real
i think reading that is going to help me get over all this
just knowing that it wasnt really real kind of helps lessen the pain a and sense of loss

 

[dmetria]

well not everything but the stuff that didnt happen well im ashamed to say was definitely going to happen

 

[dmetria]

ok

i joined fetlife.. i am going to learn as much as i can and try really hard not to let this take me over again.. i am a little scared to go to a munch though... what if someone there hits on me and i lose it? how do i keep myself in check until i know enough? should i just keep reading about all this instead of going to one and meeting people? i want friends that i can talk to about this stuff though.. i only told one person in my life about this stuff and that is my best friend and he made fun of me... i need people like youll who can be straight with me who know what they are talking about and can help me not make a mistake.. should i wait to meet those people until i have read a considerable amount more? or can i do both at the same time?

 

[dmetria]

red flag i must remember

“You’ll do as you’re told, or I’ll release you.”
Respectable and experienced Dominants
don’t use ultimatums to
elicit submission.


“Kneel down before Me and show me what a true slut you are.”
Your submission shouldn’t be something you give to just Anyone,
especially to one Whom you’ve just met.
It takes time to establish a foundation of trust,
communication and honesty necessary in a healthy BDSM relationship.
If a Dominant feels you “owe” Them your submission
without taking the time to know Them,
They haven’t quite grasped the concept of a
“Power Exchange”.

 

[CutieMouse]

Most munches have volunteers who help new people. If you find a munch throught Feife, join the online conversations to "meet" a few peoe before attending. Tell the organizers you're new and a little nervous. Ask for help.

i joined fetlife.. i am going to learn as much as i can and try really hard not to let this take me over again.. i am a little scared to go to a munch though... what if someone there hits on me and i lose it? how do i keep myself in check until i know enough? should i just keep reading about all this instead of going to one and meeting people? i want friends that i can talk to about this stuff though.. i only told one person in my life about this stuff and that is my best friend and he made fun of me... i need people like youll who can be straight with me who know what they are talking about and can help me not make a mistake.. should i wait to meet those people until i have iread a considerable amount more? or can i do both at the same time?

 

[LadiLucki7]

http://safesubcenter.blogspot.com/2005/06/sub-frenzy.html

omg that describes everything that just fucking happened omg thats crazy


i am so glad to know that those feelings were not really real
i think reading that is going to help me get over all this
just knowing that it wasnt really real kind of helps lessen the pain a and sense of loss

Yes safesubcenter is a pretty good blogspot. It definitely help put into perspective some questions and worries that I had and still contemplate. Fetlife is a good starting place and collarme I have heard pros and cons however I can not provide a valid opinion since I myself have not joined but fetlife has good local networking and such. I just say be very patient however wait until the timing is right.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

how do i close this out. i feel like the dumbest most naive person in the whole fucking world. this really sucks right now. i hate that you are all right. i want to fucking cry. gods couldnt i just get to experience this one time? fuck this sucks.

You're NOT the "dumbest most naive person in the whole fucking world." Trust me; you're not even close, unless you are currently in negotiations with a Nigerian Finance Minister to become unbelievably wealthy for the low, low cost of $100,000 or so to expedite the money transfers...

Be patient. I know that's *very* difficult for most pyl types (and some PYL types, too!), but try to remind yourself that when it does happen, it will be worth it (even if you kiss a few toads before you get to *that* point).

how will i know if they are safe when i cant even trust my own judgement?

Learn to trust your own judgment. And the way to do that is to put yourself (at least a little bit) out in the real world and meet people, make some assessments and see how they work out. Also, as CM said, if you're in Texas (well, most of it), you're within an hour to 90 minutes of various organized groups and munches. Check them out at Fetlife.com. Meet people, talk to other pyls, learn what they look for, and give yourself time to develop that judgment so you *can* trust it.

Good luck to you, dear girl, and please don't give up on your desires just because a bunch of us old farts (and some not so old ) suggest that you ride your bike on the level ground for a while before you tackle Devil's Hill.

Remember, too, that this thing (BDSM) is supposed to be enjoyable. Try not to stress so much over getting into it *now* that you can't enjoy it, and even if you find the perfect partner you don't recognize him/her.

 

[dmetria]

nice

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/steelefrenzies.htm

 

[dmetria]

Most munches have volunteers who help new people. If you find a munch throught Feife, join the online conversations to "meet" a few peoe before attending. Tell the organizers you're new and a little nervous. Ask for help.

thank you will do

 

[dmetria]

Yes safesubcenter is a pretty good blogspot. It definitely help put into perspective some questions and worries that I had and still contemplate. Fetlife is a good starting place and collarme I have heard pros and cons however I can not provide a valid opinion since I myself have not joined but fetlife has good local networking and such. I just say be very patient however wait until the timing is right.

thank you.

 

[dmetria]

You're NOT the "dumbest most naive person in the whole fucking world." Trust me; you're not even close, unless you are currently in negotiations with a Nigerian Finance Minister to become unbelievably wealthy for the low, low cost of $100,000 or so to expedite the money transfers...

Be patient. I know that's *very* difficult for most pyl types (and some PYL types, too!), but try to remind yourself that when it does happen, it will be worth it (even if you kiss a few toads before you get to *that* point).

Learn to trust your own judgment. And the way to do that is to put yourself (at least a little bit) out in the real world and meet people, make some assessments and see how they work out. Also, as CM said, if you're in Texas (well, most of it), you're within an hour to 90 minutes of various organized groups and munches. Check them out at Fetlife.com. Meet people, talk to other pyls, learn what they look for, and give yourself time to develop that judgment so you *can* trust it.

Good luck to you, dear girl, and please don't give up on your desires just because a bunch of us old farts (and some not so old ) suggest that you ride your bike on the level ground for a while before you tackle Devil's Hill.

Remember, too, that this thing (BDSM) is supposed to be enjoyable. Try not to stress so much over getting into it *now* that you can't enjoy it, and even if you find the perfect partner you don't recognize him/her.

thank you thank you and may i just say lol
i love that i can smile again.. lol and i feel little bipolar right now haha

 

[dmetria]

really awesome

https://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/693832

so weird because i expressed a like opinion to this to the "Dom" i was supposed to meet and he acted like i was an ignorant naive little girl who needed him to explain in simple mundane terms what bdsm what all about and this had no role in it


not to say that i am not ignorant or naive but obviously my gut feelings were right.
i think it helped that i dont like to lie.. because i felt like i was being fake and that is a lie.. i felt like i was having to change who i am.. i cant do that i told him.. so he changed immediately and stopped being so serious.. he told me i made him smile and laugh all the time but he was trying to come off as idk the ideal dom.. the more i read the more i see how inexperienced he really is

thank god i did not put my life or future in his hands