zhukov1943
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I need your advice on getting over someone...
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peachykeen
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Since you asked-
I would think about getting some counseling. The reason I say that is that bit where you said, "I felt worthless. I loved her so much, and she had seemed so PERFECT for me, that I had doubts about whether I was ever going to find anybody, ever, that I could love and who would love me."
I think that is at the root of your inability to draw put a period at the end of this relationship, put the pieces back together and move on.
p.s. I know yer friends are trying to help but fuck, do they sound like assholes.
I would think about getting some counseling. The reason I say that is that bit where you said, "I felt worthless. I loved her so much, and she had seemed so PERFECT for me, that I had doubts about whether I was ever going to find anybody, ever, that I could love and who would love me."
I think that is at the root of your inability to draw put a period at the end of this relationship, put the pieces back together and move on.
p.s. I know yer friends are trying to help but fuck, do they sound like assholes.
zhukov1943
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>>>p.s. I know yer friends are trying to help but fuck, do they sound like assholes.
Heh heh - yeah, they are, but they love me!
Counseling, eh? I've never had much respect for their ilk. Having someone arch their eyebrows and say "and how does that make you feeeeeel?" just pisses me off...
If I don't respect what they tell me, do you still think it might work? Heck, I'd try anything at this point...
Heh heh - yeah, they are, but they love me!
Counseling, eh? I've never had much respect for their ilk. Having someone arch their eyebrows and say "and how does that make you feeeeeel?" just pisses me off...
If I don't respect what they tell me, do you still think it might work? Heck, I'd try anything at this point...
zhukov1943
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>>>p.s. I know yer friends are trying to help but fuck, do they sound like assholes.
Heh heh - yeah, they are, but they love me!
Counseling, eh? I've never had much respect for their ilk. Having someone arch their eyebrows and say "and how does that make you feeeeeel?" just pisses me off...
If I don't respect what they tell me, do you still think it might work? Heck, I'd try anything at this point...
Heh heh - yeah, they are, but they love me!
Counseling, eh? I've never had much respect for their ilk. Having someone arch their eyebrows and say "and how does that make you feeeeeel?" just pisses me off...
If I don't respect what they tell me, do you still think it might work? Heck, I'd try anything at this point...
zhukov1943
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>>>p.s. I know yer friends are trying to help but fuck, do they sound like assholes.
Heh heh - yeah, they are, but they love me!
Counseling, eh? I've never had much respect for their ilk. Having someone arch their eyebrows and say "and how does that make you feeeeeel?" just pisses me off...
If I don't respect what they tell me, do you still think it might work? Heck, I'd try anything at this point...
Thanks, peach.
Heh heh - yeah, they are, but they love me!
Counseling, eh? I've never had much respect for their ilk. Having someone arch their eyebrows and say "and how does that make you feeeeeel?" just pisses me off...
If I don't respect what they tell me, do you still think it might work? Heck, I'd try anything at this point...
Thanks, peach.
firefighter02
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As the dumpee in a number of relationships I know the pain and confusion caused by a break-up.
I would be dishonest if I didn't say that on some level there may be more going on with her at the time of the break up than she may be letting you know about.
But what to do now that you are at that point? Good question. I once pined for a girl so bad that it made me one of those freaky unattractive sad puppy dog kind of guys that just follow the really pretty girls around for weeks at a time. I even went so far as to turn down the opportunity to date her when she asked me because I felt it was done out of pity. And years later when I met her husband for the first time it brought up a lot of those old memories.
My suggestion is first purge your life of anything associated with her..photos, gifts, anything you have around that reminds you of her, or were from her. And have a good time doing it. Im talking a case of the best beer on the market and a good bon fire with the guys.
Second. You have to begin to walk on your own path rather than get mired down in the what ifs of the relationship you once had. I once was told that no one wants to date an unhappy guy.
When you get to the angry point, I suggest a little good natured payback for dumping you. Maybe flaming bag of dog doo on her doorstep...posting those intimate photos on one of those I hate my ex sites...or perhaps just sitting up one night half crocked and walking around town calling her house every ten mintues from payphones. But then again, the attention you pay to her by doing this isn't really worth the effort.
The best thing you can probably do is just pull yourself up by the boot straps and move on. Believe me from experience, there are others out there. I once saw this comedy show and this woman was standing up telling the women of the audience to let thier men have anal sex with them. Her reasoning is that if they don't there will be some woman out there willing to do that for them.
I guess in a round about way what I am trying to say is that she may not love you anymore, but more likely than not there is someone who will..
Best of Luck
I would be dishonest if I didn't say that on some level there may be more going on with her at the time of the break up than she may be letting you know about.
But what to do now that you are at that point? Good question. I once pined for a girl so bad that it made me one of those freaky unattractive sad puppy dog kind of guys that just follow the really pretty girls around for weeks at a time. I even went so far as to turn down the opportunity to date her when she asked me because I felt it was done out of pity. And years later when I met her husband for the first time it brought up a lot of those old memories.
My suggestion is first purge your life of anything associated with her..photos, gifts, anything you have around that reminds you of her, or were from her. And have a good time doing it. Im talking a case of the best beer on the market and a good bon fire with the guys.
Second. You have to begin to walk on your own path rather than get mired down in the what ifs of the relationship you once had. I once was told that no one wants to date an unhappy guy.
When you get to the angry point, I suggest a little good natured payback for dumping you. Maybe flaming bag of dog doo on her doorstep...posting those intimate photos on one of those I hate my ex sites...or perhaps just sitting up one night half crocked and walking around town calling her house every ten mintues from payphones. But then again, the attention you pay to her by doing this isn't really worth the effort.
The best thing you can probably do is just pull yourself up by the boot straps and move on. Believe me from experience, there are others out there. I once saw this comedy show and this woman was standing up telling the women of the audience to let thier men have anal sex with them. Her reasoning is that if they don't there will be some woman out there willing to do that for them.
I guess in a round about way what I am trying to say is that she may not love you anymore, but more likely than not there is someone who will..
Best of Luck
zhukov1943
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Thanks, Firefighter. I'm not the picture-taking type - and I never had any kind of stuff she gave me. The most "cleaning out" I was able to do was deleting her phone number from my cell phone (but I still remember it...)
I've done the "get-boozed-up around the campfire" thing. Heck, my friends gave me so much attention for those first few months that I felt like I had terminal cancer or something. They were probably afraid I'd off myself...
It might make sense to try to get a hold of her and talk it out - but what the hell would I say? What's done is done, so to speak - I've just got to figure out a way to accept it.
By the way - those pranks sound like fun. But if you're subpoena'd, you've never heard of me!
I've done the "get-boozed-up around the campfire" thing. Heck, my friends gave me so much attention for those first few months that I felt like I had terminal cancer or something. They were probably afraid I'd off myself...
It might make sense to try to get a hold of her and talk it out - but what the hell would I say? What's done is done, so to speak - I've just got to figure out a way to accept it.
By the way - those pranks sound like fun. But if you're subpoena'd, you've never heard of me!
Falkieri
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I felt almost exactly like you over a break-up just a few months ago. Although it left some scars that I'm still dealing with, what got me through it was the realization that it wasn't about anything that I did, but her own demons. I don't know your situation, but, you need to look at the relationship and ask yourself, without allowing the feelings of worthlessness and self-pity to get in the way of honestly answering yourself, was there anything you did to drive her away. From what you posted, it sounds like her own problems were what came between you.
Its hard to lose someone who you feel is perfect for you, but, you have to regain your own self-confidence, and realize that you're not worthless and will never find anyone because of what she was dealing with. Odds are, she'll do the same thing to the guy you saw her with that she did to you.
As someone who has loved and lost a number of times, it hurts, but, I can garauntee you there will be someone else who will come along when you least expect it.
Its hard to lose someone who you feel is perfect for you, but, you have to regain your own self-confidence, and realize that you're not worthless and will never find anyone because of what she was dealing with. Odds are, she'll do the same thing to the guy you saw her with that she did to you.
As someone who has loved and lost a number of times, it hurts, but, I can garauntee you there will be someone else who will come along when you least expect it.
zhukov1943
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>>>>As someone who has loved and lost a number of times, it hurts, but, I can garauntee you there will be someone else who will come along when you least expect it.
Yeah - that's true enough. And like fire-guy said, if I'm still moping around, she'll probably run like the wind.
Thanks for the support!
Yeah - that's true enough. And like fire-guy said, if I'm still moping around, she'll probably run like the wind.
Thanks for the support!
CelticFrog
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Huh.
Until I was 22, I would have agreed that 'shrinks' in general are evil. Until.
Now, for about the last two years, I have had a counselor who not only doesn't ask 'how do you feeeeeel about this?' but who also gives it to me straight. If I'm being an asinine childish bitch, he says so. Just in nicer terms.
My suggestion to you is go counselor shopping. If you have insurance, start with their 'preferred providers'. If you don't, start with the county health service. Some areas have a phone in therapist recommendation line. I am not in one. But basically, what those hotline things do is ask you a few questions (almost like a personality profile but not quite) and recommend therapists that they believe will most fit your personality and desire for help.
I'm not going to talk about everything else in your post. People have already hit it on the head and apparently me too, because it hurts too much to try to recall old memories of heartbreak.
*sigh*
Ang
Until I was 22, I would have agreed that 'shrinks' in general are evil. Until.
Now, for about the last two years, I have had a counselor who not only doesn't ask 'how do you feeeeeel about this?' but who also gives it to me straight. If I'm being an asinine childish bitch, he says so. Just in nicer terms.
My suggestion to you is go counselor shopping. If you have insurance, start with their 'preferred providers'. If you don't, start with the county health service. Some areas have a phone in therapist recommendation line. I am not in one. But basically, what those hotline things do is ask you a few questions (almost like a personality profile but not quite) and recommend therapists that they believe will most fit your personality and desire for help.
I'm not going to talk about everything else in your post. People have already hit it on the head and apparently me too, because it hurts too much to try to recall old memories of heartbreak.
*sigh*
Ang
zhukov1943
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Thanks, frog. I'm in school, so I suppose I could use one of the on-campus counselors. I'm just a little leery, to say the least...
Thanks again for all the advice!
Thanks again for all the advice!
lilnymph28
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Sounds like you're in a very similar place to where I was a few months ago, when the man I was in love with left me. Miserable, feeling worthless, and positive that you will never find love like that with someone else. Simple fact is that you may never find a love like that, but that you may find something better, with someone who will not leave you arbitrarily, and with the right person. I had to go to a counselor to help me out with this - and I have the same attitude as you towards psychology. But it truly has helped a ton, and it has made me realize that I wasn't the problem, and most importantly, that I have a future. Best of luck!
English Lady
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I hope you start getting things together soon Not much to add to the brilliant advice already given but I just want to say that you're on your way to getting over it as you know how you're feeling and acting onw itsn't really you and you've asked for help.
take care and take the advice already given to you
Not much to add to the brilliant advice already given but I just want to say that you're on your way to getting over it as you know how you're feeling and acting onw itsn't really you and you've asked for help. take care and take the advice already given to you
zhukov1943
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Thanks for your help, everybody!
I'm feeling a bit better about things - my crazy friend Basil is coming down from Raleigh, NC next weekend for my birthday, and I'm really looking forward to having some fun with her!
I'm still not sure about the counseling thing, but it seems to be a big part of your advice. I guess I'll try out one of the free counselors on campus, and see how I "feeeeeeel" about it!
Thanks again!
I'm feeling a bit better about things - my crazy friend Basil is coming down from Raleigh, NC next weekend for my birthday, and I'm really looking forward to having some fun with her!
I'm still not sure about the counseling thing, but it seems to be a big part of your advice. I guess I'll try out one of the free counselors on campus, and see how I "feeeeeeel" about it!
Thanks again!
zhukov1943 said:
Ah, it seems to simple when it is written down like that, but it is hard as fuck to actually DO it.
You say this happened in September, out of the blue...now it is February. Almost March. You know, that's not a long time in the grand scheme of things. It is entirely reasonable to still be hurting. It is reasonable to still be feeling lost. Acceptance is a good thing, but it is almost impossible to find through a haze of pain. And it seems that just when you think you have a handle o things, another whammy slams into the center of that acceptance and turns it to fear, anger, bitterness, and loss...
My advice? Let it come. If you need to cry, then cry. Going out and getting drunk might help every now and then, but it also keeps you from facing what you feel, especially if you do it night after night. You are grieving. Your friends have to understand that. If you need to cry, then they need to be the ones who stand there with a hand on your shoulder instead of handing you another beer. Trust me on that one.
The more you TRY to get over her, the longer it will take. Man, if you are hurting, then face it. Let your heart break into a million pieces all at once instead of dragging it out and chipping off one piece at a time. THEN you will be ready to move forward.
Counseling will help. If you find a counselor who makes you feel uncomfortable, never go back to that one and find a new one. It might take time, but eventually you will find someone who will let you vent and guide you gently through the stages of grief you need to experience in order to let her go and move on to another healthy relationship.
Best of luck to you,
S.
zhukov1943
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Thanks, Sheath. You're right - it is much easier said than done. The screwed up thing is that I keep thinking everything's okay, and then something comes along that reminds me of what happened, and wham! I fall to pieces all over again...
I just keep saying over and over, "I just don't understand WHY."
I just keep saying over and over, "I just don't understand WHY."
zhukov1943 said:
Boy oh boy. Does that ring so familiar.
You might never understand why. And that was a hard part for me, knowing that I would never have the satisfaction of an answer that could filter all my pain down into black and white reasons.
You will eventually reach a point of knowing there are no true answers. But getting there is rough.
I discovered very quickly that this board is a good place to vent and find others who understand on a deeper level than you can possibly know. This thread could turn out to be a very good one to help you move forward.
S.
zhukov1943
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Thanks again, Sheath!
The toughest part about all this is trying not to let this experience change the way I look at the world. I've caught myself getting more emotionally calloused, feeling less trustful, and downright despising women in general. I keep having to remind myself that nothing has really changed, overall...
The toughest part about all this is trying not to let this experience change the way I look at the world. I've caught myself getting more emotionally calloused, feeling less trustful, and downright despising women in general. I keep having to remind myself that nothing has really changed, overall...
zhukov1943
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Hmmm - here's a rather weird update:
I got an online birthday "e-card" from her MOM today... Said she hoped I was doing well.
"Doo-de-doo-doo
Doo-de-doo-doo
I've just entered the 'Twilight Zone'..."
I got an online birthday "e-card" from her MOM today... Said she hoped I was doing well.
"Doo-de-doo-doo
Doo-de-doo-doo
I've just entered the 'Twilight Zone'..."
zhukov1943 said:
It will change the way you look at the world for a while, I think....you will be more wary, more afraid, and in general life will seem a little darker. But you will move past that soon enough, and start seeing her as a learning experience, not as a lost love to pine over.
Take all the time you need to heal.
S.
jupiter lilly
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Getting dumped sucks. Plain, simple, end of story.
If you ask me, the only thing that makes it really better is time. You just have to give things time, which is the hardest thing to do.
I also agree with the already expressed sentiment of trying counseling. Its understandable that it might not be the first thing on your list to try...but I can speak from experience that it has helped me...and if your school gives you a few free sessions, why not just give it a try, right?
When my ex dumped me after almost 2 years of being together, I was pretty much a mess...my advice is do something every day that makes you happy...something that has no association with her. It can be something as silly or as big as you want it to be...just take time every day to spoil yourself a little bit...because you deserve to be happy.
If you ask me, the only thing that makes it really better is time. You just have to give things time, which is the hardest thing to do.
I also agree with the already expressed sentiment of trying counseling. Its understandable that it might not be the first thing on your list to try...but I can speak from experience that it has helped me...and if your school gives you a few free sessions, why not just give it a try, right?
When my ex dumped me after almost 2 years of being together, I was pretty much a mess...my advice is do something every day that makes you happy...something that has no association with her. It can be something as silly or as big as you want it to be...just take time every day to spoil yourself a little bit...because you deserve to be happy.
zhukov1943
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Yeah, Lilly - I'm sure time is the issue, here. It just seems like six months should be long enough...
I tried talking to someone over at the University today - and it was a big waste of time. I'll spare you the gory details, but most of the fifteen minutes were spent with me nodding and her spouting platitudes, with both of us obviously wishing we were somewhere else...
On the plus side, my friend Shannon introduced me to her friend Shelley last night. She's really cool - we're supposed to go see a band down the street tonight. I know how my mind works - I won't think about my ex if I'm with somebody else. Yeah, yeah, I know - I'm jumping from the frying pan into the fire, but I promise I'm not gonna rush anything.
Thanks for all your help, everybody.
I tried talking to someone over at the University today - and it was a big waste of time. I'll spare you the gory details, but most of the fifteen minutes were spent with me nodding and her spouting platitudes, with both of us obviously wishing we were somewhere else...
On the plus side, my friend Shannon introduced me to her friend Shelley last night. She's really cool - we're supposed to go see a band down the street tonight. I know how my mind works - I won't think about my ex if I'm with somebody else. Yeah, yeah, I know - I'm jumping from the frying pan into the fire, but I promise I'm not gonna rush anything.
Thanks for all your help, everybody.
CelticFrog
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Z, don't give up on the counselors.
Give up on that one, yes.
Does the counseling office whatchamacallit have a secretary? Can you go talk to her and tell her person A was a drastic failure and you'd like to see someone who actually cares? Bitching like that to secretaries in a counseling office can really help sometimes.
Ang
Give up on that one, yes.
Does the counseling office whatchamacallit have a secretary? Can you go talk to her and tell her person A was a drastic failure and you'd like to see someone who actually cares? Bitching like that to secretaries in a counseling office can really help sometimes.
Ang
zhukov1943
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Actually, Ang, I think the secretary was part of the problem...
When I called for an appointment, the secretary asked me if I could come in later that day, because they'd had someone cancel their appointment. Anyway, when I showed up, the counselor seemed suprised to see me - either she'd been counting on heading home early, or the secretary had "sprung one" on her unexpectedly. She was actually pretty darn un-professional about it...
Anyway, she seemed very uncomfortable with me (as I was with her), and rather confrontational. She asked me three or four times if I'd been abusive to Tracy (physically or mentally), and also asked me if I thought she'd broken up with me because I'd been too "controlling". I told her that nothing could be further from the truth...
I think I got me a straight-up-man-hatin' b**ch for a counselor. Whoopeee...
Bad news is that there are only two or three counselors available - period. I haven't met either of the other two, but I gotta say that after being treated like an interloper, I'm not terribly enthusiastic about going back.
Who the hell needs "help" like that?
When I called for an appointment, the secretary asked me if I could come in later that day, because they'd had someone cancel their appointment. Anyway, when I showed up, the counselor seemed suprised to see me - either she'd been counting on heading home early, or the secretary had "sprung one" on her unexpectedly. She was actually pretty darn un-professional about it...
Anyway, she seemed very uncomfortable with me (as I was with her), and rather confrontational. She asked me three or four times if I'd been abusive to Tracy (physically or mentally), and also asked me if I thought she'd broken up with me because I'd been too "controlling". I told her that nothing could be further from the truth...
I think I got me a straight-up-man-hatin' b**ch for a counselor. Whoopeee...
Bad news is that there are only two or three counselors available - period. I haven't met either of the other two, but I gotta say that after being treated like an interloper, I'm not terribly enthusiastic about going back.
Who the hell needs "help" like that?
CelticFrog
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Ack.
Look into the local county mental health departments. Every county in the nation is required to have one. I know, my mom used to work in one.
Generally they work with drug addicts and absolute psychos, but my mom did come home with stories about people that really just needed some relationship advice and couldn't afford insurance. Look into it.
Just one more option, I'd hate to see you give up on all of them just because one person is a frickin' bitch.
Ang
Look into the local county mental health departments. Every county in the nation is required to have one. I know, my mom used to work in one.
Generally they work with drug addicts and absolute psychos, but my mom did come home with stories about people that really just needed some relationship advice and couldn't afford insurance. Look into it.
Just one more option, I'd hate to see you give up on all of them just because one person is a frickin' bitch.
Ang
