I'm addicted to an ex girlfriend

[Pearljwah]

I need serious help. I could go on and on and on and on about the relationship and how toxic it was. Doesnt matter. Im addicted. I cant let it go. I get anxiety over it. I get angry, frustrated, sad. Ive dealt with depression for 10 years and mostly have it under control. This causes it flare up. I reach out to her for validation. i dont get it. It was an unhealthy relationship. I tried to "Save her". Not possible, my fuckup and shouldn't be my deal. Yet I cant let her go. Changed my number and was happy for three weeks. Even met a healthy girl. Someone capable of a true loving relationship. Then i fucked up one night and texted the ex. Ive been a mess ever since. I try to stay away but i can't. I keep reaching out. One day im fine, the next im a mess and can barely get out of bed. I drive myself crazy. I drive myself sick. Its like my fucking crack. When im in a good spot and we can just chat via text or email...i feel happy and elated that i get to speak with her. Then the come down when things dont go the way i want. I think i love the idea of her. BUt its not what is. It hurts. I'm rambling. One day she wants to marry me. The next she feels nothing for me. A month later she tells me she loves me. A week later she is sleeping withsomeone else. She has a beautiful daughter that i helped raise for two years. I feel like im on the fucking jerry springer show. Why do i do this to myself? I know what to do. Block her number. Workout. Journal. Read. See my therapist. I keep beating myself up.

I hate this.

Ugh.

 

[Corbal]

Honey..........I adore you and I've been there from the beginning of your end with her..........

Time, sweetie. In time this will fade. Sadly, it hurts like a mother fucker until then. It feels impossible but one day you'll look back on this with a different perspective.

 

[SweetErika]

Why talk to her at all? Why not cut all ties with her, delete all of her contact info, avoid going the places she goes, etc.? By continuing to interact with her, you're continuing to feed your addiction and allowing yourself to get sucked back in. Treat this like an addiction and abstain completely so you can move on with your life and find happiness.

 

[Pearljwah]

I dont feel like me as im going through this. I have no idea why i continue to put myself through this.

 

[CurvyAndCurly]

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I'm going through the same thing. You want to let go, but they have this hold on you. You just...can't let them go. You can't. But I think you'll be able to. Like Corbal said...time. You will heal with time, but you have to stop.

Stop talking to her. That'll help a bit. Just....stop.

I should take my own advice, but I'm weak. But I think you can do it. Don't let someone hurt you. You're better then that. Just think; it may hurt now, but just give it time. You'll get over her. Make a clean, solid break, and stick to it.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

For your own mental health - do what the other posts above have said. It makes sense.
It also sounds like she is either toying with you or she is bipolar or has some other mental instability.
I have a similar addiction. I lived with someone for 2.5 years about 29 years ago. I bumped into them on Facebook a year ago and that was bad for me. I am dealing with those same crazy addicted feelings that I had 29 years ago and interacting with that person again. Part of me still wants to have a relationship with them, and part of me knows that I deserve much better treatment than I was ever given by that person.
Try to get away from that person. Don't let her toy with you anymore. Take care of yourself. Eventually, you will realize what she is and does to you and how you know it makes you feel - then you will choose to not be a part of it. You will know in your heart that you deserve better. It may hurt that the relationship with her didn't work out the way you thought you wanted it to do, but you will be better off.
You have to look out for you - put yourself first.

 

[Kenneth19]

I'm kind of dealing with the same thing...I recently broke up with my girl too...The funny things is, she feels this for me as well...Well, I don't think your the only one feeling this when it comes to you two...

 

[Pearljwah]

What sucks the most is....I know the answers. I know the issues at hand. I know what needs to be done...but as an addict....easier said than done...

I appreciate the direct responses, the honesty and the words of wisdom. Sometimes i just need a reminder of what I already know..... working on it.


also, girls are evil

Just kidding. Sort of

People are evil?

 

[Experiencedguy]

Just my perspective - and real life occurance:

I met the hottest most sexually wonderful girl of my life. I still rate her as the number one fuck of my life -- the absolute best. My relationship with her was much as yours. On and off for a long time, with a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. We got back together again, and after about a week together, when we were both in bed, some really big guy broke into my apartment, lifted me off of her, screamed at me "What are you doing with my girl?", and then proceeding to beat the living shit out of me. Fortunately, the neighbors called the cops, and they stopped the guy before he killed me.

That was over 40 years ago. And - yes, I still fantisize about her from time to time (you can never forget your greatest fuck). But - if I ever saw her in real life, I would run away. And - yes, I do know where she lives.

I know it is all bullshit now, but it is true. Time heals all wounds -- or kills you.

Best of luck from one who has been there, lived through it, and is still happy.

 

[Pearljwah]

Just my perspective - and real life occurance:

I met the hottest most sexually wonderful girl of my life. I still rate her as the number one fuck of my life -- the absolute best. My relationship with her was much as yours. On and off for a long time, with a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. We got back together again, and after about a week together, when we were both in bed, some really big guy broke into my apartment, lifted me off of her, screamed at me "What are you doing with my girl?", and then proceeding to beat the living shit out of me. Fortunately, the neighbors called the cops, and they stopped the guy before he killed me.

That was over 40 years ago. And - yes, I still fantisize about her from time to time (you can never forget your greatest fuck). But - if I ever saw her in real life, I would run away. And - yes, I do know where she lives.

I know it is all bullshit now, but it is true. Time heals all wounds -- or kills you.

Best of luck from one who has been there, lived through it, and is still happy.

wow. Thank you sir.

 

[SweetErika]

What sucks the most is....I know the answers. I know the issues at hand. I know what needs to be done...but as an addict....easier said than done...

I appreciate the direct responses, the honesty and the words of wisdom. Sometimes i just need a reminder of what I already know..... working on it.

HOW are you "working on it" - exactly what steps are you taking to change your behavior?

Have you written down a plan of action, either by yourself, or with your therapist? How about a list of all of the reasons why you don't want to have anything to do with this girl? And a list of things you can do when you start getting tempted to fall back into your own patterns? If not, those things might be a good start. Then, when you're feeling like talking to her, she contacts you, etc., you have some concrete things to go to to remind yourself of why you need to stay away from her and what you can do instead of communicating with, or obsessing over, her.

Does your therapist do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? If you don't know, ask. If s/he doesn't, ask for a referral to someone who does because (when done correctly/diligently) it's the most effective way to change feelings, thought patterns and behaviors.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

In typical me fashion, I did something extremely drastic. I could not be who the person needed me to be and we would break up and get back together constantly but for some reason it was always me who had to leave the house not him, it really sucks not knowing from week to week where you are living. I handed in my notice at work, and all i took was one car and my clothes and ended up moving to a whole different Island to get away from him. Seriously it was the best thing I could have done.

I had to find a new place to live, a new job, make new friends and the bonus is none of them knew him, buy new items for my house and I was so incredibly busy doing all of these things that I didn't think of him through the initial I really miss him stage.

Four years later when I moved back, I ran into him and all I could think of was what on earth did I see in him.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

900 miles and 30 years did not stop the rush of feelings that emerged when bumped into on FB. (Got to love the internet - it is both a boon and a bain of existence).
My therapist explained to me that there is a serotonin increase in the brain associated with certain types of relationships. I think that must be my situation with this person. Especially when I think about the conditions of the start of the original relationship and the bumping into a year ago. (Maybe the same thing holds true for you.)
The addiction you feel could very well have a physiological reason - an increase of serotonin levels in the brain is as effective as a hit of crack (so I was told).
Could also be that the "Why didn't this relationship work" or the old "why am I not good enough" thought processes are contributing to the obsession.
For me, it is all of the above.
If you can explain to me why I would want to obsess about a 30 year old relationship in which I felt I was not treated as if I was in a relationship (other than the bedroom) and why I would respond to this pattern of behaviour given the history and when he clearly contacted me in the midst of his 22 year old marriage vows then you will have the answer you need TO GET AWAY FROM THIS GIRL.
I hope we (all of those of us afflicted with this condition) can stop obsessing about the wrong person. I hope that we can find the right person to have a real and worthwhile relationship. I hope that we don't pass up the right person because of the inappropriate object of obsession.
On top of my obsession, I now have a 20 year old relationship that is falling to pieces. Possibly has been for a long time. (Great, another "why did it not work" feeling).
Do things for yourself. Take care of you. Find your inner peace and happiness that only you can give to yourself - one step at a time, one day at a time. Eventually, your happiness will overcome the obsession. Eventually, I will learn to trust myself and someone else to have another relationship - a real relationship. That is my plan.

 

[fgarvb1]

OK, you realize you have some problems. Now realize most therapist are not going to come out and tell you what you need to do to fix yourself.

What you posted reeks of codependency and possibly other things.

You need to find a therapist who is more trained in your problems.

AND you need a sponser...Yes I said a Sponsor.

You need to find a "Son Of A Bitch, With A Heart." to get on your case when you start fucking up.

How would I know?

I've been in recovery for twenty-two years.

Before that?

I could tell you about some toxic relationships that would have you realizing that you are certainly not alone.

Hell, I only get addicted to People, Places and Things.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I've been there. It gets better...eventually. I still have dreams about her many years later, though.

Some things in life just do not work out and we have to accept that, no matter how hard it is.

 

[Corbal]

What sucks the most is....I know the answers. I know the issues at hand. I know what needs to be done...but as an addict....easier said than done...

I appreciate the direct responses, the honesty and the words of wisdom. Sometimes i just need a reminder of what I already know..... working on it.


also, girls are evil

Just kidding. Sort of

People are evil?

You're evil! Morning sweets! Mwah!

 

[Firebrain]

On the plus side...awesome abs, dude.

 

[NomadLady]

It isn't easy and everyone it right, it just takes TIME. But it also takes putting the distance in place so the TIME can work to your advantage.

I've been divorced nine years and in the last 8-10 months I have really felt like I've come to a place in my life where I have and did tell the ex off and have moved on. The wonderful thing now is that by knowing he is a distant memory, I am able and available for someone new in my life who really does love me.

Listen to what everyone here has said and put an effort in to distance and the time will work out.

 

[Cattypuss]

I tried repeatedly and failed repeatedly to give up nicotine - over a period of 15 years.

Only when I stopped kidding myself that I could have "just this one" cigarette now and then did I finally beat the addiction. I'm now 6 years happily nicotine-free and I know I'll never touch it again.

With addiction, it's all or nothing.

 

[newlegz]

I really needed to find this thread today. Pearljwah, thanks for talking about your feelings. And everyone else, thanks for giving him your support. Because right now, they've been my support too.

 

[Pearljwah]

Thank you so much everyone. For all the advice and support. Everything ive been told i know in my heart, or maybe my brain, the logical part.

Of course last night we conversed via text. Whoops. She said some things that upset me. Over the course of it all she always said that most importantly im her best friend and thats what she wants to work on. well she starts teling me about guys who want to date her, guys she dated and some new guy who is great she is dating now (who also has a kid and is much older)


That is just gross and sickening for her to tell me that shit. Final straw/ I hope. I am ready to cut ties.

Im laying in bed wide awake and i just wrote out a long text explaining to her i never wantt o hear from her again and how immature that was and how spiteful it seemed. How that is not a true friend and not someone i care to have in my life. wished her the best and told her never to contact me again.

I havent sent the text. I dont know what to do. I feel like i need to as part of cutting all ties. ir huts though.

 

[Cattypuss]

Send the text. Send it. But before sending it add a note to say if she responds you will ignore the response.That you are never going to contact or respond to her again.

And when she apologises and says things will be better in the future, do not reply and do not believe her. Change your number if you need to.

 

[Firevixen]

Send it then delete and block her number.



Nice bod you got going on there fella

 

[Saltspray25]

I really needed to find this thread today. Pearljwah, thanks for talking about your feelings. And everyone else, thanks for giving him your support. Because right now, they've been my support too.

Ditto. I'm engaged, but had an "incident" with my oldest crush last weekend and it's just been tearing me up inside and I can't stop thinking about her. I need to get over her to concentrate on my fiancee, but it's just easier said than done.

Nice to know we're not alone out there.

 

[kevlar11]

Sorry to hear that dude, it sucks, it really does.

Reframe your perceptions about this situation. Look at the bright side, and if that's difficult, force it.

For example. You're now free to get with all those other women you didn't because you were involved with someone. You can play video games in your underpants until 4 in the morning. All the things you miss when you're not single.

What has worked for me in the past, and I'm the dumpable kind, is to go out, get drunk with my friends, get involved with another woman, and before I know it, I'm not thinking of the one who dumped me any more.

But, be ruthless and cut her out of your life mate. She'll want to keep you around to talk to, don't let her.