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jd's junkroom

This is a little long but i found it funny as hell.



My night began as any other normal weeknight.

Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OFIT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...
 
6 Black Kittens



One night Jerry brought home a dozen red
roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said,
"What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you" he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night, Jerry came home with a big box
of chocolates and explained that he wanted to
make love with her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not
tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home
something, but each time his wife's answer
was no. Finally he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their necks
and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But
what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead
pussy."
 
Heres one for you...










CAN YOU IMAGINE GETTING THIS APPROVED FOR TODAY'S STANDARD TESTING FOR STUDENTS, PARENTS OR EVEN TEACHERS?

All this and no computer to find the answers?





What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?


This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.


8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)


1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define thosethat have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie,""play," and "run."

5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.



Arithmetic (Time, 65 minutes)


1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)


1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.


Orthography (Time, one hour) Do we even know what this is??



1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret "u." (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final "e." Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)


1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?! Also shows you how poor our education system has become... and, NO! I don't have the answers, and I failed the 8th grade test!
 
The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life!

1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the
back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate
for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll
lose* interest.

8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and
always* eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up
against the wall?
 
Gentlemen's Quiz

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center (Sky)

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

a) Not a concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place



If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still
a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
 
Your very welcome. :rose: I'll see if i can dig up some more solar flares for ya. I know i have some somewhere.
 
bluebomber said:
Your very welcome. :rose: I'll see if i can dig up some more solar flares for ya. I know i have some somewhere.
Click to expand...

I'm trying to find the particular one of the sun taken in all the different wavelengths and pieced together...
 
Blue, I found it!!!

"Different wavelengths convey information about different components of the sun's surface and atmosphere, so scientists use them to paint a full picture of our constantly changing and varying star.

Yellow light of 5800 Angstroms, for example, generally emanates from material of about 10,000 degrees F (5700 degrees C), which represents the surface of the sun. Extreme ultraviolet light of 94 Angstroms, on the other hand, comes from atoms that are about 11 million degrees F (6,300,000 degrees C) and is a good wavelength for looking at solar flares, which can reach such high temperatures. By examining pictures of the sun in a variety of wavelengths – as is done through such telescopes as NASA's Solar Dynamics Observatory (SDO), NASA's Solar Terrestrial Relations Observatory (STEREO) and the ESA/NASA Solar and Heliospheric Observatory (SOHO) -- scientists can track how particles and heat move through the sun's atmosphere."

http://1.usa.gov/WNmBfC

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/68413_535329643154718_953113032_n.jpg
 
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