mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
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- 8,875
One Friday afternoon at the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe…
…Darla, the blonde receptionist at the firm runs back to the paralegal’s office with a long gold cardboard box in her hand.
“Look, Patty!” she exclaims excitedly, “Your husband just sent you a dozen long stemmed American beauty roses! How romantic! Wish my George was half as romantic… All I get on Fridays is a text asking me to pick him up a case of beer. Then he gets drunk and doesn’t pay any attention to me all weekend,” she sighs.
Patty rolls her eyes. “You’re the lucky one,” she says. “Yeah it SEEMS romantic on the surface of it, but you know what it REALLY means? I’ll have to spend the whole weekend in bed with my legs in the air!”
Darla looks puzzled for a second, and then a knowing look crosses her face.
“Oh I get it. Well, why don’t you just stop at a store on your way home and buy a vase?”
…Darla, the blonde receptionist at the firm runs back to the paralegal’s office with a long gold cardboard box in her hand.
“Look, Patty!” she exclaims excitedly, “Your husband just sent you a dozen long stemmed American beauty roses! How romantic! Wish my George was half as romantic… All I get on Fridays is a text asking me to pick him up a case of beer. Then he gets drunk and doesn’t pay any attention to me all weekend,” she sighs.
Patty rolls her eyes. “You’re the lucky one,” she says. “Yeah it SEEMS romantic on the surface of it, but you know what it REALLY means? I’ll have to spend the whole weekend in bed with my legs in the air!”
Darla looks puzzled for a second, and then a knowing look crosses her face.
“Oh I get it. Well, why don’t you just stop at a store on your way home and buy a vase?”
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
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- 8,875
I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and Ernie sez to me, he sez, "Soph, ya got no tits and a tight box."
So I sez to him "Ernie", I sez, "Get off my back."
>>
One day Ernie said to me, "Soph, I wish you would learn to cook so we could fire the chef."
And I told him "Ernie, I wish you would learn to fuck so we could fire the chauffeur."
>>
I will never forget it, you know. I was in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie.
He said to me “Soph, these woods sure are dark, I sure wish I had a flashlight.”
I said to him, “So do I Ernie. You’ve been munching grass for the last ten minutes!”
So I sez to him "Ernie", I sez, "Get off my back."
>>
One day Ernie said to me, "Soph, I wish you would learn to cook so we could fire the chef."
And I told him "Ernie, I wish you would learn to fuck so we could fire the chauffeur."
>>
I will never forget it, you know. I was in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie.
He said to me “Soph, these woods sure are dark, I sure wish I had a flashlight.”
I said to him, “So do I Ernie. You’ve been munching grass for the last ten minutes!”
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
Town drunk
Gets taken into jail after a night of carousing.
He is eventually taken before the judge and the judge asks “Do you know why you’re here?” The drunk says no, he doesn’t.
The judge replies “You’re here for drinking and womanizing.”
The drunk replies “Great! When do we start??!”
Gets taken into jail after a night of carousing.
He is eventually taken before the judge and the judge asks “Do you know why you’re here?” The drunk says no, he doesn’t.
The judge replies “You’re here for drinking and womanizing.”
The drunk replies “Great! When do we start??!”
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
Overheard at the office break room.
Senior Engineer: That was an awful lot of snow we got last night.
Office Manager: Yes, it was. I was an hour late after shoveling my car out of the drift.
SE: I was right on time. Here’s a photo I took of my cleaned-off car in my shoveled-out space.
OM: Wow! That’s pristine. That must have been a lot of work. You're not a youngster anymore.
SE: Not at all. My neighbor next door did it. He had it all finished by the time I drank my coffee.
OM: Nice! He must be a great neighbor.
SE: Yes, and he’s young and strong. Here’s a photo of him.
OM: Very nice-looking young man. Is the pretty woman with him in the photo his wife?
SE: Oh, no. That's the woman who visits him after his wife leaves for work.
Senior Engineer: That was an awful lot of snow we got last night.
Office Manager: Yes, it was. I was an hour late after shoveling my car out of the drift.
SE: I was right on time. Here’s a photo I took of my cleaned-off car in my shoveled-out space.
OM: Wow! That’s pristine. That must have been a lot of work. You're not a youngster anymore.
SE: Not at all. My neighbor next door did it. He had it all finished by the time I drank my coffee.
OM: Nice! He must be a great neighbor.
SE: Yes, and he’s young and strong. Here’s a photo of him.
OM: Very nice-looking young man. Is the pretty woman with him in the photo his wife?
SE: Oh, no. That's the woman who visits him after his wife leaves for work.
CaboMan316
Just a bored husband
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2021
- Posts
- 157
Two nuns are riding bicycles from church and take a shortcut down a cobblestone street.
The 1st nun says “I've never come this way before"
The 2nd nun says “It must be the cobblestones."
The 1st nun says “I've never come this way before"
The 2nd nun says “It must be the cobblestones."
Adventurouscdm
Titties & beer
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2024
- Posts
- 81
An invisible man and an invisible women got married.
I don't know what they saw in each other.
Their children were nothing to look at either
I don't know what they saw in each other.
Their children were nothing to look at either
JessiQueVix
Queen without a king
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2025
- Posts
- 493
My son had his first sex experience. I asked how was it? He said his butt is hurting.
cbrRunner
Mature
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- Apr 2, 2024
- Posts
- 644
I went to see my doctor to ask a question.
I told him that when I was in my 20s I couldn’t bend my cock when it was hard even if I tried with both hands.
When I was in my 30s I could bend it using both hands.
Now I’m in my 40s I can bend it with one hand.
So I asked the doctor how much stronger I’m going to get!
I told him that when I was in my 20s I couldn’t bend my cock when it was hard even if I tried with both hands.
When I was in my 30s I could bend it using both hands.
Now I’m in my 40s I can bend it with one hand.
So I asked the doctor how much stronger I’m going to get!
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
My Wife came in to show me her new Bra from Victoria Secret.
I asked her "How much was it?" and she replied "Only $100". I yelled "You spent $100 on underwear?" Suddenly she pulled the bra all the way down and I instantly forgot why I was angry ...
I had fallen right into her Booby Trap...
I asked her "How much was it?" and she replied "Only $100". I yelled "You spent $100 on underwear?" Suddenly she pulled the bra all the way down and I instantly forgot why I was angry ...
I had fallen right into her Booby Trap...
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
A guy goes in for a physical and the doctor asks him about his daily routine.
The man says, "Well, Doc., just yesterday afternoon, I musta walked at least 5 miles. I waded up to my knees in a lake, drank 3 beers, outran a pack of wild dogs in the underbrush, drank another 2 beers, took a long, leisurely piss behind a tree and just stepped out of the way of an aggressive rattlesnake. Drank another beer, crawled out of quicksand, stood in a poison ivy patch, drank another 2 beers, climbed up and down 5 steep hills, and took another leak behind a tree.
The doctor, listening to all of this, was duly impressed: "Man, you must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"
"Nah, Doc. I'm just a shitty golfer."
The man says, "Well, Doc., just yesterday afternoon, I musta walked at least 5 miles. I waded up to my knees in a lake, drank 3 beers, outran a pack of wild dogs in the underbrush, drank another 2 beers, took a long, leisurely piss behind a tree and just stepped out of the way of an aggressive rattlesnake. Drank another beer, crawled out of quicksand, stood in a poison ivy patch, drank another 2 beers, climbed up and down 5 steep hills, and took another leak behind a tree.
The doctor, listening to all of this, was duly impressed: "Man, you must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"
"Nah, Doc. I'm just a shitty golfer."
BurningFloors
Wanderer
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2026
- Posts
- 69
Why did the cowboy insist on getting a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy.
He wanted to get a long little doggy.
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2021
- Posts
- 8,875
The Unfortunate Accident
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his overly cautious, slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to use this to cover it up," he told her as he tossed the shoe.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies,
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his overly cautious, slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to use this to cover it up," he told her as he tossed the shoe.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies,
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."
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