Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

A Blonde, Brunette and a Redhead were in an elevator.

The Brunette says: That looks like cum on the floor.

The Redhead bends over an says: It smells like cum, too.

The Blonde scoops it up with her finger and tastes it, she replies: It's definitely cum, but no one from our office.

 

[Donald1961]

Where is an elephants sex organ-----its in his feet ,because if he steps on you then you are fucked

 

[Donald1961]

What is the cheapest meat you can buy----- dear balls they are just under a Buck

 

[mugsgame]

A man tells his doctor: "Ever since you prescribed me those sleeping pills, I've finally been able to relax!"

The doctor responds: "Glad to hear. And you're only taking 1 per night, right?"

Man: "Oh, I'm not taking them. I've been giving them to my wife."

 

[mugsgame]

Two nuns, one old and one young, were sitting at the traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your goods, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior thought this would be a good test for the novice, and turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So, Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off ye little twats, before I come over there and rip your balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough, Sister?"

 

[mugsgame]

How did you get that eye patch?

A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their many adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”

“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”

“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”

“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.”

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the old sea dog, “It was me first day with the hook."

 

[mugsgame]

Henpecked Hubby

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

"You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled:

"From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.

Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do..." said his wife calmly, "The undertaker!"

 

[Shady_nz]

 

[mugsgame]

Tony and Maria go to a marriage counselor. Maria goes in first, and the counselor asks her about her concerns. "Tony is a wonderful man," says Maria. "There are just three things about him that really bother me."

"The first thing," says Maria, "is that he's a workaholic. He works so much, he has very little time left for me and the kids."

"The second thing..." says Maria "... and I know this is petty, but he's always picking his nose in public. it's embarrassing."

"And what's the third thing?" asks the counselor.

"Well," says Maria, "This is a little personal, but he never lets me get on top when we're having sex."

So the counselor sends Maria out, and asks Tony to come in.

"How is everything with your marriage?" asks the counselor.

"It'sa good," says Tony. "No complaints."

"Well, Maria had a few things she wanted me to discuss with you. First, she says you are a workaholic. Second, she says you pick your nose quite a bit in public. Third... and this is a little delicate... she says you never let her get on top when you are having sex."

And Tony says, "When I comma to this country, my father tells me three things. Three things, he tells me, to make it big in America. First: worka hard. So I worka hard. Second, he says: keepa your nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean. And third, he says: don't fuck up."

 

[mugsgame]

My gf left because of my penis size...

I said, "How can you let something so small come between us??"

 

[mugsgame]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?

What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts him yelling,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little fucker on your lap!"

 

[CaboMan316]

A guy walks into a bar somewhere in Ireland and sits next to a really old guy drinking a beer. And the old guy’s like, “Did you see that stone wall on your way into town?” And the guy’s like, “Yeah.” And the old man’s like, “I built that wall with my own two hands. But do they call me O’Grady the Mason? Noooo.” Then he’s like, “Did you see those cabinets on your way into the bar?” And the guy’s like, “Yeah.” And the old man’s like, “I build those cabinets with me own two hands. But do they call me O’Grady the Carpenter? Noooo.” Then he says, “Did you see the iron gates on the way into town?” And the guy’s like, “Yeah.” And the old man’s like, “I built those gates with me own two hands. But do they call me O’Grady the Blacksmith? Noooo.
But you fuck one goat…”

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde girl gets caught out driving in a terrible hail storm. When it stops she notices lots of little dents all over her car. She goes to the nearest garage and explains the situation to the mechanic.

Seeing the girl he decides to play a joke on her and tells her that the only way to get the dents out is to blow up the exhaust.

The girl drives home and later that day her blonde house mate hears this huffing and puffing and grunting coming from the yard downstairs. She opens the window and sees her friend, mouth round the exhaust giving it everything she's got.

"What you doing?" the friend asks.

"The mechanic told me to blow up the exhaust to get rid of the dents."

Friend replies, "Yah silly cow, that will never work, you've left the windows open!"

 

[mugsgame]

A blond wrestler walks into a shop.

The clerk looks up and says, “Excuse me, sir, you left your blinkers on.”

The blond turns around, looks at his car and says, “No I didn’t ..... yes I did ..... no I didn’t ..... yes I did…."

 

[mugsgame]

Often when faced with an unpleasant task,

I find the patience to wait for someone else to do it.

 

[mugsgame]

Taking every precaution

“I have to take every precaution to avoid getting pregnant,” the woman confided with her friend.

“I’m confused,” her friend replied, “didn’t your husband get a vasectomy a month ago?”

“Yes, he did,” she replied, “and that’s why I have be extra careful.”

 

[mugsgame]

A cat dies and goes to heaven

When she gets there, she gets met at the Pearly Gates by God.

God says to the cat "You have been a good, faithful, loyal cat, all of your life. I wish to reward this...is there anything you would like to make heaven more comfortable for you?

The cat thinks for one minute, then says "Well, I know it isn't much, but I spent all of my life on a farm. When it came time to sleep, I had to curl up on a hard wooden floor. A comfortable pillow would be nice." God looks at the cat, and says "So you shall have a pillow. A nice, comfortable, fluffy pillow."

Several days go by, and a group of 6 mice die in a horrible accident. God, again meeting them at the Pearly Gates, decides to offer them the same deal as the cat.

When asked what they would like, the mice respond "Well, we have spent all of our lives, running. Running from cats, running from dogs, running from humans with brooms. A little pair of roller skates would be so nice, as we wouldn't have to run anymore." God thinks about it, and says "So you shall have your roller skates."

It has been a week, so God decides to check in on the cat. He finds the cat all curled up, fast asleep, on a nice big fluffy pillow. God gently wakes the cat, and asks the cat how everything is.

The cat responds "Oh, everything has been perfect. This pillow is so soft and fluffy, I have been so comfortable...oh, and I especially like the meals on wheels that you have been sending me."

 

[mugsgame]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

Barbara: "I think I know it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

Ringing

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well so far on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Millionaire.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the the one Million dollar question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

clock ticking

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gee, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Crowd cheers

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real good gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

"clapping"

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, how in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

[NudieUser]

What do you call ghost poo? Boo boo

 

[mugsgame]

Going to give my wife a bikini wax this morning...

Should I wake her up or make it a surprise?

 

[Hugo_Agogo_UK]

What’s the difference between an elephant and a mattabooboo?

 

[mugsgame]

Husband and wife are having marital problems and go see a therapist.

Therapist - “I always find it helpful to start by talking about something you both have in common.”

Husband - “Well we both don’t suck dick.”

 

[mugsgame]

Taking every precaution

“I have to take every precaution to avoid getting pregnant,” the woman confided with her friend.

“I’m confused,” her friend replied, “didn’t your husband get a vasectomy a month ago?”

“Yes, he did,” she replied, “and that’s why I have be extra careful.”

 

[mugsgame]

A man with a big hat on his head visits the doctor…

He removes the hat and doctor sees that he has a penis growing on his forehead!

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then asks again, “Or maybe you've visited Africa?"

"No, doctor, not Africa either!"

The doctor chuckles, "You should consider it, they have incredible wildlife. But have you been to Europe, perhaps?"

"No, not Europe either! Doctor, why are you asking about my travels? I have a penis on my forehead!"

The doctor sighs and says, "Well, my friend, you'd better start traveling because once those balls cover your eyes, you won't see a damn thing!"

 

[LegendInMyOwnMind]

Where is an elephants sex organ-----its in his feet ,because if he steps on you then you are fucked

I told this with an elaborate buildup involving fictitious articles in National Geographic and other publications. He bought it hook, line, and sinker until the punch line.