Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

 

[done_got_old]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter, "said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,....... "but his
face rings a bell"

WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...

"BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

 

[done_got_old]

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed.

"You left with seven."

 

[done_got_old]

Dave was born without eyelids, so they circumcised him and used the skin.

The operation was almost a success. He’s just a little cockeyed!

 

[done_got_old]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries​

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

[ga400us]

The Convent of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are
welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until
directed to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the
Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her
that he would let the cook know and the food should be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably for best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch
since you got here.'

 

[ga400us]

Church Rules in France

This notice can now be found in many French churches (See translation below):

En entrant dans cette église, il est possible que vous entendiez l'appel de Dieu.
Par contre, il n’est pas susceptible de vous contacter par téléphone.
Merci d'avoir éteint votre téléphone.
Si vous souhaitez parler à Dieu, entrez, choisissez un endroit tranquille et parle lui.
Si vous souhaitez le voir, envoyez-lui un SMS en conduisant.

Translation:
It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.
If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him.
If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.

 

[ga400us]

The Talking Clock

The pub had just closed and O'Brien, who was pretty drunk, invited two friends to come see his new apartment.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with the big brass gong?" one of his friends asked.

"That's not a gong - it's a talking clock", said O'Brien.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked the other friend.

"Yup", he said.

"How does it work?" someone asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," O'Brien replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed,"You idiot! It's two-thirty in the morning!"

 

[ga400us]

The Rabbi is Leaving

At the regular Saturday morning service, the Rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?" Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said, "fuck him!

 

[ga400us]

Old Farts Live On

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can 't Look That Old.

Well . . . You 'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School ...

'yes. Yes, I Did. I 'm A Mustang, ' He Gleamed With Pride.

When Did You Graduate? ' I Asked.

He Answered, 'in 1967.. Why Do You Ask? '

You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkle-faced, Fat-assed, Gray-haired, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked Me,

'what Did You Teach???'

 

[ga400us]

Shoot or Don't Shoot?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

HE paid for your Football season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun, looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a damned cold.'

 

[ga400us]

Hearing vs. Understanding

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.

 

[ga400us]

Oldster Quiz

Great mental exercise for the older crowd.

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods



You had trouble with #5 didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??

Lovely, just lovely....sometimes I worry about you

 

[ga400us]

The Last Word

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good", she replied "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence....... He farted.

 

[ga400us]

Even Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous . . .

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

[ga400us]

Is Proof reading a Dying Art?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far


-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial
----------------------------------------------------------


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect
----------------------------------------------------------------


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought
----------------------------------------------------------------


Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?
-----------------------------------------------


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans
-------------------------------------------------


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

***************************************************


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day.

 

[ga400us]

Outdoor Man

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient About his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.

Then marched up and down several rocky hills, Stood in a patch of poison ivy, Crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”

 

[done_got_old]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient About his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.

Then marched up and down several rocky hills, Stood in a patch of poison ivy, Crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”

You're really on a roll tonight. Great jokes.

 

[ga400us]

Coffee And Testicles

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."

 

[ga400us]

Pervert Call

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching football –

Who shall I say is calling?"

 

[done_got_old]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[ga400us]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Oldie but goodie (just like us)

 

[ga400us]

You're really on a roll tonight. Great jokes.

Thank you, it’s been awhile.

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/fb2194234368_n_zpsixwmnj71.jpg

 

[ga400us]

Strange Coincidence

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do"

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"