Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly....not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.'

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

 

[ga400us]

Six Kids on a Plane

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

[ga400us]

Romantic Text Message

An elderly couple just learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic.

Her husband, was a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for coffee.

While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm takin' a crap. . . . Please advise."
Almost brings a tear to my eyes.

 

[ga400us]

Reruns, but funny

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this
was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip
the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace
listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... she does too."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000
to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all
at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted
to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long
to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because
that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several
ages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent
treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please
wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only y to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

[ga400us]

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber John Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

 

[ga400us]

CIA Agent Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

 

[done_got_old]

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

 

[done_got_old]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

 

[done_got_old]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man picks up with the speaker phone on and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking.

MAN: ”Hello?”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN:”I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: ”How much?”

WOMAN: “$50,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

 

[done_got_old]

A lady retired and moved to rural North Carolina from New York City. She had a bumper sticker on her car saying 'I miss NYC'. Well somebody knocked her car window out and stole her radio. The thief left a note saying, "I hope this makes you feel like you're back in New York City".

 

[ga400us]

Grandma in Court!

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said:
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

 

[done_got_old]

According to a new survey, 56 percent of women say they would rather be thinner than smarter. The other 44 percent were models who didn't understand the question.

 

[ga400us]

Pizza Order

THIS IS MORE SCARY THAN FUNNY!!


*CALLER:* Is this Gordon's Pizza?

*GOOGLE:* No sir, it's Google Pizza.

*CALLER:* I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

*GOOGLE:* No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

*CALLER:* OK. I would like to order a pizza.

*GOOGLE:* Do you want your usual, sir?

*CALLER:* My usual? You know me?

*GOOGLE:* According to our caller ID data sheet, the last twelve times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thin crust.

*CALLER:* OK! That’s what I want...

*GOOGLE:* May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

*CALLER:* What? I detest vegetables!

*GOOGLE:* Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

*CALLER:* How the hell do you know!

*GOOGLE:* Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years.

*CALLER:* Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

*GOOGLE:* Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of thirty cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, four months ago.

*CALLER:* I bought more from another drugstore.

*GOOGLE:* That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

*CALLER:* I paid in cash.

*GOOGLE:* But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

*CALLER:* I have other sources of cash.

*GOOGLE:* That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

*CALLER:* WHAT THE HELL!!!

*GOOGLE:* I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

*CALLER:* Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

*GOOGLE:* I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago...

 

[69Massagingman]

Two old men out playing golf one morning.

A hearse drives by the golf course.


The one old man stops and takes his hat off and places it over his heart.



The other old man looks at him and comments " that's awfully nice of you"


He replies "well she was good wife"

 

[done_got_old]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[done_got_old]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

 

[ga400us]

Biology Exam

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A+.

 

[done_got_old]

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th-grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said,

"Yes, but in those days there were only 13 states."

 

[done_got_old]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high.I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. "But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York ,Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"


The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

 

[Sh75]

My favourite joke or the only one i remember.

A wife asks her husband for $10000.
Husband says what do you need 10k for.
Wife says, i want to get a breast enlargment.
Husband replies, i know a way to get bigger breasts and it wont cost you anything
Really she says, how?
Just get some toilet paper and rub it between ur breasts 3 times a day l.
Wiil that work, will that make them bigger she asks.
Well it worked on your ass

 

[done_got_old]

My favourite joke or the only one i remember.

A wife asks her husband for $10000.
Husband says what do you need 10k for.
Wife says, i want to get a breast enlargment.
Husband replies, i know a way to get bigger breasts and it wont cost you anything
Really she says, how?
Just get some toilet paper and rub it between ur breasts 3 times a day l.
Wiil that work, will that make them bigger she asks.
Well it worked on your ass

I should have seen that coming!

 

[done_got_old]

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. “You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “I’m almost 60 years old.”

The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup.

“Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”

 

[kurrginatorX]

Things My Dad Used To Do #1:

We were in line at the grocery store. After his purchases were rung up he began to write a check. He said, "Dang, I forgot my glasses again." He looked behind him, saw the woman next in line wore glasses, and without a word he pulled them from her head, placed them on his, and wrote the check. When we got outside, I asked, "Who was that woman?" He said, "I don't know," and loaded the car like nothing had happened out of the ordinary.

 

[done_got_old]

https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65944255_500836637143483_7361485267154239488_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_eui2=AeEth9NF3Ruoc0sOVdFkEWXjw4gtRPo7xFkqCAU1x9fnc8cE6PXFQ0r9sR-sOpaCgTdAwiGfXnGAvLL7ovOKgrUiUyT_cLeDD5a6YF1427N9xg&_nc_oc=AQnlc-LxVtYvnPhD7deP-lElYGklGvCr0i0APLPbA1WGJcchZR2c1ytYCV8NPtVWaVyYgxjbsJXML_B79S-Z0Rw4&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=109ff0794b0be8e691773332b7a25236&oe=5D78550C

 

[done_got_old]

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"