Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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Golden_Silence
We moon when its sunny
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2006
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Out on the golf course one day, Derek lined up his shot and hooked it clean into the bushes. Upon investigating he found a leprechaun cussing and rubbing his head. Derek, picked up his ball and asked, I am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, can I get you anything?
To this the leprechaun said 'ok, you got me fair and square, you can have 3 wishes' Derek blushed and said, 'I cannot accept, please I am truly sorry for hurting you' and he walked off embarrassed.
Well the leprechaun said, 'I will give him 3 wishes anyway' and he granted them.
About a year later Derek was out playing again and surprisingly hooked the ball into a clump of trees. Walking up he was not too happy and when he got to the trees he found the leprechaun sitting there.
Derek, said 'Thats the first time in a year that has happened, I am playing semi pro golf now' to which the leprechaun said 'I know, I made that happen, tell me how is the money?' Derek blushed again, 'I am earning very well thank you' the leprechaun again said 'I made that happen too, now what about the sexlife?'
Now Derek really blushed, 'I would rather not say but lets just say once or twice a week' The leprechaun was stunned, he said 'I thought you would be every day with a beautiful woman', to which Derek replied, well once or twice a week is not too bad considering I'm a catholic priest in a small village parish'
To this the leprechaun said 'ok, you got me fair and square, you can have 3 wishes' Derek blushed and said, 'I cannot accept, please I am truly sorry for hurting you' and he walked off embarrassed.
Well the leprechaun said, 'I will give him 3 wishes anyway' and he granted them.
About a year later Derek was out playing again and surprisingly hooked the ball into a clump of trees. Walking up he was not too happy and when he got to the trees he found the leprechaun sitting there.
Derek, said 'Thats the first time in a year that has happened, I am playing semi pro golf now' to which the leprechaun said 'I know, I made that happen, tell me how is the money?' Derek blushed again, 'I am earning very well thank you' the leprechaun again said 'I made that happen too, now what about the sexlife?'
Now Derek really blushed, 'I would rather not say but lets just say once or twice a week' The leprechaun was stunned, he said 'I thought you would be every day with a beautiful woman', to which Derek replied, well once or twice a week is not too bad considering I'm a catholic priest in a small village parish'
techsan
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Here's proof of global warming ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/GlobalWarming.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/GlobalWarming.jpg
techsan
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A Riddle ...
Why is HONEY golden in color?
A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.
The answer may be found below.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Butterflies.jpg
A little lower...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bee.gif
Why is HONEY golden in color?
A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.
The answer may be found below.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Butterflies.jpg
A little lower...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bee.gif
That is priceless!!
techsan
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Bill and Hilary
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "No."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates . . . but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that's what the people want".
"C'mere Hilly, baby . . ."
With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "F**king idiot!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "No."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates . . . but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that's what the people want".
"C'mere Hilly, baby . . ."
With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "F**king idiot!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
techsan
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The Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the Computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P ...
E ...
N ...
I ...
S ...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED.............NOT LONG ENOUGH***
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the Computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P ...
E ...
N ...
I ...
S ...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED.............NOT LONG ENOUGH***
techsan
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Diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz skimmed milk
Lunch
4 oz broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Midafternoon snack
rest of Oreos in package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Dinner
2 loaves Garlic bread with cheese
Large sausage pizza
4 cans or 1 pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
Late Evening News
Entire frozen NY Cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz skimmed milk
Lunch
4 oz broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Midafternoon snack
rest of Oreos in package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Dinner
2 loaves Garlic bread with cheese
Large sausage pizza
4 cans or 1 pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
Late Evening News
Entire frozen NY Cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
techsan
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Rules for Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone around you, then you look thinner
6. Movie related foods have no calories, they are part of the entire entertainment package and NOT part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls
7. Cookie pieces have no calories, the process of breaking them causes calorie leakage
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife after making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon after making a sundae
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone around you, then you look thinner
6. Movie related foods have no calories, they are part of the entire entertainment package and NOT part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls
7. Cookie pieces have no calories, the process of breaking them causes calorie leakage
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife after making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon after making a sundae
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Blonde Joke: Blind guy walks into a bar...
A Good Blonde Joke...
A blind man finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls dead quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl;
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl;
3 - I'm a 6-foot-tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate;
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter;
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.”
“Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A Good Blonde Joke...
A blind man finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls dead quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl;
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl;
3 - I'm a 6-foot-tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate;
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter;
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.”
“Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
techsan
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Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her chrismas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her chrismas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
techsan
...just chugging along
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Just ask for the Arkansas Cut ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/ArkansasCut.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/ArkansasCut.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
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The following is typical of scenery in Michigan during the summer months.
Note the presence of the orange and white conical shaped state flowers in the middle of the road...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/MDOT.jpg
Note the presence of the orange and white conical shaped state flowers in the middle of the road...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/MDOT.jpg
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Southern Lady
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in
Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump,
think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump,
you dumb Yankee."
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in
Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump,
think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump,
you dumb Yankee."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Making love in the park
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a police
officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a police
officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
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I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite. I
threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few
seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried
this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen
window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how
to do everything. She opened
the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a
kite."
threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few
seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried
this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen
window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how
to do everything. She opened
the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a
kite."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Noah in 2006
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
- Status
