Laughter is Contagious

[Sloppykitten]

Pocket Taser

WARNING: You may think about going to the bathroom before reading this!


Pocket Taser, a gift for the wife for her protection.

This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his lovely wife a pocket taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "no way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Still in shock

 

[techsan]

WARNING: You may think about going to the bathroom before reading this!


Pocket Taser, a gift for the wife for her protection.

This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his lovely wife a pocket taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "no way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Still in shock

sk, that is hilarious!!!

 

[kayte]

Bill and Hilary

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "No."

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates . . . but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that's what the people want".

"C'mere Hilly, baby . . ."

With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "F**king idiot!".

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH."

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}

Such a visual!

 

[kayte]

The Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the Computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P ...
E ...
N ...
I ...
S ...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


***PASSWORD REJECTED.............NOT LONG ENOUGH***

ROTFLMAO!!! You find and share some marvelous ones {{{{{{{{{{techie}}}}}}}

 

[kayte]

I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite. I
threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few
seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried
this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen
window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how
to do everything. She opened
the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a
kite."

No comment !

That is so great!

 

[kayte]

Noah in 2006



In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

And that says it all!

 

[wally2450]

John Kerry and the Cardinal

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator
John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of
the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John
Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he
asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to
the congregation and say a few words that would include
calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man,
and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic
Church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check
here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church,
if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as
a saint"

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the
church can use the money, so I'll work your request
into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared
for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently
at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal
pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the
Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,
"While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor
to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his
views are contrary to those of the church, and he
tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry
is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit.
John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. John
Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever
personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in
Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in
the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow
servicemen. He has lied about his military record
and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He
married for money and is using it to lie to the
American people. He also has a reputation for
shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in
Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't
to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with; "But,
when compared to Senator's Ted Kennedy & Hillary
Clinton, Senator Kerry is a saint."

 

[wally2450]

Bi

Kevin , the dumb, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!" , to his friend
James .

" Are you crazy ? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James.

Kevin responded..."Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was
bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year ???"

 

[wally2450]

Funnies

:d :d

 

[BlackWolf65]

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with; "But,
when compared to Senator's Ted Kennedy & Hillary
Clinton, Senator Kerry is a saint."

ROFLMFAOOOOOOO...

 

[copperbutterfly]

Good Evening everybody! I love coming to this thread after a long day at the office....Thank you to all who contribute! And now I shall contribute as well!!!!



Test for smart people.....I have determined that you qualify.

Keep scrolling large spaces in between-you're going to love it!



The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!





1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?








The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?







Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?


Wrong Answer.







Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.








3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?







Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.





4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?







Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old

 

[copperbutterfly]

You may want to go to the bathroom before you read this one too!!!!


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.) I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back ."He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

 

[kayte]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator
John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of
the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John
Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he
asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to
the congregation and say a few words that would include
calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man,
and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic
Church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check
here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church,
if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as
a saint"

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the
church can use the money, so I'll work your request
into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared
for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently
at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal
pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the
Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,
"While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor
to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his
views are contrary to those of the church, and he
tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry
is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit.
John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. John
Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever
personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in
Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in
the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow
servicemen. He has lied about his military record
and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He
married for money and is using it to lie to the
American people. He also has a reputation for
shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in
Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't
to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with; "But,
when compared to Senator's Ted Kennedy & Hillary
Clinton, Senator Kerry is a saint."

wally ~ I love it! Thank you sweetie.

 

[techsan]

Good Evening everybody! I love coming to this thread after a long day at the office....Thank you to all who contribute! And now I shall contribute as well!!!!



Test for smart people.....I have determined that you qualify.

Keep scrolling large spaces in between-you're going to love it!

...

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old

Fan-DAMN-tastic, copper! And I'm NOT going to tell you my score!

 

[techsan]

Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same
day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.....

The second is a Senior Citizen.

 

[techsan]

Airline Tales


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as anything, everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down? "

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

[techsan]

Kids and Prayer


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father
always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting
his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he
began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come
He doesn't do it?" she asked.


A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother
says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What
does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving,
Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long
prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip,
grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the
food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather
and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"


During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud
whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She
pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever
made you dos such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked
God to teach me to whistle ...and He just then did.


A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir," the boy replied. "And, do you always say them in the
morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't
scared in the daytime."


My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what
you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head
and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to
dinner?"

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash
baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say
their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless
every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and
past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer,
Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly
routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I
asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her
response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the
food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he
started eating right away. "Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't
have to," The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We say a prayer, before eating, at our house." "That's our house,"
Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to
cook!

 

[techsan]

*IDLE THOUGHTS *

*I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.*

*I had amnesia once -- or was it twice.*

*I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?*

*Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.*

*All I ask .. is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.*

*If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.*

*What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?*

*They told me I was gullible and I believed them.*

*Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.*

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.*

*Experience is the thing you have left when every thing else is gone.*

*What if there were no hypothetical questions?*

*The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.*

*One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.*

*A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.*

*My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.*

*I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.*

*The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.*

*How can there be self-help "groups"?*

*Is there another word for synonym?*

*Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?*

*The speed of time is one-second per second.*

*Is it possible to be totally partial?*

*What's another word for thesaurus?*

*Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?*

*If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?*

*Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.*

*It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.*

*Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? *

 

[techsan]

Some thoughts you might enjoy! Computer Tech Support ...

=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital
letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

[wally2450]

Important Life Lessons I Learned from My Cat

* Life is hard and then you nap.

* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

* Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the
next day annoy them and play with them when they're busy.

* When in doubt, cop an attitude.

* Climb your way to the top - that's why the drapes are
there.

* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.

* Make your mark in the world - or at least spray in each
corner.

* When you go out into the world, always remember, being
placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.

* Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed
tells them, "I care."

 

[wally2450]

Funnies

Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me,
in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride
in the first car with you.

Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.

========

Many patients call the pathology group where I am
office manager to discuss their medical bills. One
irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory
test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test
on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."

She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"

 

[wally2450]

Beer vs ??

BEER VS. VAGINA:
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful.One point to VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying.One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair betweenyour teeth, you may vomit.One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene kickyou out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kickyou out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here,depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in onenight and you don't want to drive anywhere.One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer.If you eat any p***y in public, you become a legend.One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If yousmell of vagina he may buy you a beer.One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vaginaand you'll think you've seen god.One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or acan.One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settlesdown.One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager,etc.One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to costOne point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a motherOne point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank itOne point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or Discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of thoseFeelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER!

 

[BlackWolf65]

* Life is hard and then you nap.

* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

* Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the
next day annoy them and play with them when they're busy.

* When in doubt, cop an attitude.

* Climb your way to the top - that's why the drapes are
there.

* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.

* Make your mark in the world - or at least spray in each
corner.

* When you go out into the world, always remember, being
placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.

* Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed
tells them, "I care."

Just letting you know, Wally, I'm ripping this off and posting it in the cat thread...

 

[Yes_YEs_YES]

Ask a dumb question......

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying
a large bag of Purina at Walmart and was in line to
check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog(?).

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time; but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that
it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have
to mention here that practically everyone in the
line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall, guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned, and was
that the reason for my being hospitalized. I told
her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my
private parts and a car hit me.

 

[copperbutterfly]

Thanks again to everyone....You all helped get rid of the Office stress!!!!

Now THIS is funny!


How Latex gloves are made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.