Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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techsan
...just chugging along
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http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bra01.jpg
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Bra02.jpg
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
(Sounds like a dumb Aggie!)
techsan
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Staff Meeting (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss.... who understood the benefits of having fun..... told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss.... who understood the benefits of having fun..... told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
Golden_Silence
We moon when its sunny
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techsan said:
Gold - Absolute pure gold
techsan
...just chugging along
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The Amazing Italian
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the
center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was
an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on
their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing
Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his
act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time,
however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I
saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the
center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was
an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on
their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing
Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his
act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time,
however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed
the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I
saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
techsan
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So, What's the difference?
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAWAII AND ALABAMA
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Difference01.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Difference02.jpg
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAWAII AND ALABAMA
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Difference01.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Difference02.jpg
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
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- Aug 21, 2004
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techsan said:
Simply wonderful!
Thank you!!!!
techsan
...just chugging along
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Words of Wisdom
*Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~ "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
*Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
* The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns
*Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
*Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
*By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
*I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
*My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
*I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
*Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine
* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
* Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
* I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
* I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
* I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
*Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
*Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
*By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
* The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
*Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~ "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
* I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
*Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
* The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns
*Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
*Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
*By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
*I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
*My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
*I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
*Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine
* My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
* Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
* I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
* Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
* I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
* I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
* We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
*Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
*Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
*By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
* The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Yes_YEs_YES
Literotica Guru
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
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George Carlin ~ rules for 2006
Thank you 69Muffin ~ Had to share this here.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
Last New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Thank you 69Muffin ~ Had to share this here.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
Last New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Two aboriginal
Two Aboriginal are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike.
They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him
for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling
balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginal he has to
leave.
"R ey mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls. The Aboriginal put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Aboriginal Eggs. The
policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens
the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and
calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and
the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".
Two Aboriginal are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike.
They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him
for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling
balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginal he has to
leave.
"R ey mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls. The Aboriginal put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Aboriginal Eggs. The
policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens
the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and
calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and
the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".
- Status
