Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

Medical Advice

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do," said the woman.
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it," she responded.
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What?! You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think lawyers and politicians come from?"

I need that as a sign on my lawn for the next election ... lol lol lol

 

[Guest]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Guest]

Four guys went hunting.They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass, blew him kisses and wished him good night.

Daryl sat up against the wall and watched me all night."

 

[curl4ever]

A man escapes from prison ...

Four guys went hunting. ...

Both great!!! Thanks, Wicked_Kitten!

 

[kayte]

I need that as a sign on my lawn for the next election ... lol lol lol

That does explain so much!

 

[njgirl0863]

Four guys went hunting.

This was great... thank you for the laugh!

 

[kayte]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half Discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well Developed and open to trade, especially for someone with Cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very Hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently Aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has Been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, Takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, With a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only Those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual Knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts.

 

[kayte]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Good evening {{{{{Kitten}}}}} That is hysterical!

 

[kayte]

Four guys went hunting.They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass, blew him kisses and wished him good night.

Daryl sat up against the wall and watched me all night."

ROTFLMAO {{{{Kitten}}}}

 

[done_got_old]

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR


http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1233106291.jpg​

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q:
'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A:
'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'


Q:
'Officer -- who provided this description?'


A:
'The officer who responded to the scene.'


Q:
'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'


A:
'Yes, sir. With my life.'


Q:
'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'


A:
'Yes sir, we do!'


Q:
'And do you have a locker in the room?'


A:
'Yes sir, I do.'


Q:
'And do you have a lock on your locker?'


A:
'Yes sir.'


Q:
'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'



A:
'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

 

[curl4ever]

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR
...

Truly superb!!! Thanks, d_g_o!

 

[done_got_old]

Truly superb!!! Thanks, d_g_o!

You're more than welcome dear.

 

[kayte]

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR


​

​

​

Good morning {{{{{DGO}}}}} That is great!

 

[kayte]

Food For Thought

1. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
3. Earth is an insane asylum for the universe.
4. I'm not a complete idiot ... some parts are just missing.
5. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
6. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

[limiwa]

Food For Thought

6. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

What?

lmao, i qualify for some of that.

 

[kayte]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding> car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the> moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial>Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and> she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!

 

[kayte]

What?

lmao, i qualify for some of that.

Happy Hump Day limi.

 

[limiwa]

Happy Hump Day limi.

thankya doll, n right backachyou

 

[done_got_old]

Food For Thought

1. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
3. Earth is an insane asylum for the universe.
4. I'm not a complete idiot ... some parts are just missing.
5. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
6. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I think I'll adopt #6 as my signature.

 

[smoothdevil]

Food For Thought

1. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
3. Earth is an insane asylum for the universe.
4. I'm not a complete idiot ... some parts are just missing.
5. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
6. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

S U P E R ........ lol lol lol

 

[curl4ever]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. ...

Outstandingly funny! Thanks, kayte!

 

[done_got_old]

After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."

"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."

Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."

"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."

 

[done_got_old]

From me to you! Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!


You have been chosen to receive the Blessing of the Snow Fairy! The Snow Fairy will bring you good luck for one year! May you be blessed by his good deeds!.....

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1233280493.jpg​

 

[kayte]

After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."

"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."

Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."

"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."

TGIF {{{{{DGO}}}}} Love it!

 

[kayte]

From me to you! Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!


You have been chosen to receive the Blessing of the Snow Fairy! The Snow Fairy will bring you good luck for one year! May you be blessed by his good deeds!.....

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1233280493.jpg​

WOW! So that is the view outside your window!