Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

WOW! So that is the view outside your window!

I wish!

 

[smoothdevil]

2009 Tax Code


The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $ 300.00

8 - 10" Pole Tax $ 250.00

5 - 8" Privilege Tax $ 150.00

3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

 

[kayte]

2009 Tax Code


The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $ 300.00

8 - 10" Pole Tax $ 250.00

5 - 8" Privilege Tax $ 150.00

3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

Oh my {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}

LMAO!

 

[done_got_old]

2009 Tax Code


The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $ 300.00

8 - 10" Pole Tax $ 250.00

5 - 8" Privilege Tax $ 150.00

3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

The gov. is going to go broke now!

 

[smoothdevil]

The gov. is going to go broke now!

how do you know this DGO ????? .... lol

 

[Guest]

By law

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court,word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?*
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.*
__________________________________________________ __*

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?*
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?*
WITNESS: Yes.*
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?*
WITNESS: I forget.*
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?*
____________________________________*

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?*
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'*
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?*
WITNESS: My name is Susan!*
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?*
WITNESS: We both do.*
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?*
WITNESS: We do.*
ATTORNEY: You do?*
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?*
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?*
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?*
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.*
________________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?*
WITNESS: Are you serious?*
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?*
WITNESS: Yes.*
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?*
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?*
WITNESS: Yes.*
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?*
WITNESS: None.*
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?*
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?*
WITNESS: By death.*
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?*
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?*
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.*
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?*
WITNESS: Guess.*
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?*
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?*
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?*
WITNESS: Oral.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around*8:30 p.m.*
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?*
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!*
____________________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?*
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?*
______________________________________*

And the best for last?*

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?*
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.*
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,*nevertheless?*
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and*practicing law.

 

[curl4ever]

Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.


After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to forward this to someone else.

I posted this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

 

[kayte]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court,word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?*
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.*
__________________________________________________ __*

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?*
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?*
WITNESS: Yes.*
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?*
WITNESS: I forget.*
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?*
____________________________________*

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?*
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'*
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?*
WITNESS: My name is Susan!*
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?*
WITNESS: We both do.*
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?*
WITNESS: We do.*
ATTORNEY: You do?*
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?*
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?*
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?*
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.*
________________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?*
WITNESS: Are you serious?*
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?*
WITNESS: Yes.*
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?*
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?*
WITNESS: Yes.*
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?*
WITNESS: None.*
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?*
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?*
WITNESS: By death.*
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?*
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?*
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.*
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?*
WITNESS: Guess.*
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?*
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?*
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?*
WITNESS: Oral.*
______________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around*8:30 p.m.*
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?*
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!*
____________________________________________*

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?*
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?*
______________________________________*

And the best for last?*

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?*
WITNESS: No.*
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?*
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.*
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,*nevertheless?*
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and*practicing law.

Thank you Kitten ~ Those are great. I do so love the last one.

 

[kayte]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.


After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to forward this to someone else.

I posted this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

{{{{{{{{{Curl}}}}}}}}} Thank you sweetie. I am LMAO!

 

[done_got_old]

Business the Illinois Way ….


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; One from Illinois, another from Tennessee, and a third from Kentucky.

They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700. The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'


'Done!' replies the government official.

And that my friends, is how it all works! !

 

[kayte]

Business the Illinois Way ….


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; One from Illinois, another from Tennessee, and a third from Kentucky.

They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700. The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'


'Done!' replies the government official.

And that my friends, is how it all works! !

ROTFLMAO

 

[done_got_old]

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

 

[kayte]

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}} LMAO!

 

[kayte]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

 

[Guest]

Muhahahaha

The following is traumatic experience a brave dad decided to share with the world.

****

From his POV

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb!).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.


Lizards lay eggs!

 

[curl4ever]

The Husband Store
...

The following is traumatic experience a brave dad decided to share with the world.
...

Dear kayte and Wicked_Kitten,
Both of these contributions were priceless! Thanks so much!
- curl

 

[smoothdevil]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

the best comedy comes from the truth ... lol lol

 

[done_got_old]

NEW STUDY

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.

Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer.

And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kream.

 

[kayte]

NEW STUDY

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.

Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer.

And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kream.

{{{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}

 

[kayte]

Subject: The Cremated Husband

The Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
'Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,
She said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'
'Here it comes.'

 

[kayte]

Perhaps what NOT to say.....

Example One

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
Her husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Example Two

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

[curl4ever]

Subject: The Cremated Husband
...

Perhaps what NOT to say.....
...

Both very very funny! Thanks kayte!

 

[smoothdevil]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:


Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.



HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

 

[kayte]

Both very very funny! Thanks kayte!

Happy Thursday {{{{curl}}}} Glad you enjoyed them.

 

[kayte]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:


Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.



HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

Thank you {{{{{Smooth}}}}}

Yes, that about sums it up!