Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

Ponderings

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do... write to these men?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the posta ge stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

 

[limiwa]

Thank you smoothdevil!

I especially loved those.

 

[Guest]

Dear Employee

This is the new labor law policy for 2009,Any company who fail to adhere to this policy will be liable to a hefty fine which will be payable to the sender.


EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009 NEW OFFICE POLICY


Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .


Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

----The Management

 

[Guest]

Ponderings

That got a giggle out of me

 

[limiwa]

knew I would find one sad tale somewhere...

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother…
'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole

 

[done_got_old]

Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[smoothdevil]

Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.



25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

S U P E R ................

 

[kayte]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who'd a' thought!


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

What's the matter... doorways not high enough?

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Thank you {{{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}} Those are great.

 

[kayte]

This is the new labor law policy for 2009,Any company who fail to adhere to this policy will be liable to a hefty fine which will be payable to the sender.


EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009 NEW OFFICE POLICY


Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .


Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

----The Management

Those are so bad WK ~ I love them.

 

[kayte]

knew I would find one sad tale somewhere...

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother…
'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole

Limi~ That is so great! Thank you.

 

[kayte]

Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Thank you DGO ~ Those are grand!

 

[smoothdevil]

for the GALS


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-






Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)




The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-




I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-



Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-



A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-





Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-





My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-




Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-




A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-





The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-





Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-


I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-




I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-




If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-




I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-




When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-



In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-



I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-



I am a marvelous housekeeper.. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

 

[kayte]

Thank you {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}} Those are fantastic.

 

[kayte]

The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening when John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," said Sue.
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill' s house at 2 p.m. sharp and, after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good. I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

 

[curl4ever]

The Poker Player
...

Quite well-played! Thanks, kayte.

 

[kayte]

1. Sick

A man checked into a hotel and told the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled!"
The receptionist replied, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"

2. Aussie Humor No. 849

An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he saw a farmer going at it with a sheep.
The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not shearing her with no one!"

 

[kayte]

Quite well-played! Thanks, kayte.

Good afternoon curl ~ Yes, that it was. Hope you are having a great day.

 

[shenellebabe]

1. Sick

A man checked into a hotel and told the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled!"
The receptionist replied, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"

2. Aussie Humor No. 849

An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he saw a farmer going at it with a sheep.
The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not shearing her with no one!"

LOL! That was funny!!! It really make me laugh! Nice one! http://b08y1110sotu149.imageshacknow.info/img/2196/c08j1111kvhy/biggrin.gif

 

[kayte]

LOL! That was funny!!! It really make me laugh! Nice one! http://b08y1110sotu149.imageshacknow.info/img/2196/c08j1111kvhy/biggrin.gif

Hi shenelle ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread. Hope you are enjoying yourself.

 

[kayte]

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.> _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[kayte]

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

4. A hard-on doesn't' t count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. You! Off my planet!!

8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.

10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it

11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2

22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!

23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"

24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.

27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth.

28. Earth is full. Go home.

29. Is it time for your medication or mine?

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

[Guest]

A woman and her husband are woken early one rainy morning by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the front door where a drunken stranger is asking for a push.
” Not a chance” says the husband ” Its three in the morning”
He slams the door and goes back to bed.
” Who was that ?” asked the wife
” Just some drunk bloke asking for a push” he answers.
” Did you help him? She asks
” No. Its three in the morning and its pouring outside”
” Well you have a short memory” say’s the wife.
”Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car
broke down in the rain in the middle of the night and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the
pouring rain. He calls out ” Hello….are you still there?”
”Yes” comes back the answer.
”Do you still need a push?”he calls out
”yes” comes the reply from the dark
”where are you” ask’s the husband

” Over here, on the swings” comes the reply.

 

[kayte]

A woman and her husband are woken early one rainy morning by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the front door where a drunken stranger is asking for a push.
” Not a chance” says the husband ” Its three in the morning”
He slams the door and goes back to bed.
” Who was that ?” asked the wife
” Just some drunk bloke asking for a push” he answers.
” Did you help him? She asks
” No. Its three in the morning and its pouring outside”
” Well you have a short memory” say’s the wife.
”Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car
broke down in the rain in the middle of the night and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the
pouring rain. He calls out ” Hello….are you still there?”
”Yes” comes back the answer.
”Do you still need a push?”he calls out
”yes” comes the reply from the dark
”where are you” ask’s the husband

” Over here, on the swings” comes the reply.

LMAO even though it is also quite a groaner!

 

[Guest]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
"You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

[Guest]

And the child said

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???


Judas Asparagus

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother,
Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.

Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor leagueprophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'
It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.
He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
__________________