Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

even worse, they breed ... lol

So true!

 

[kayte]

Murder at Walmart


Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...


( You're going to hate me for this ... )

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( Really hate me ... )



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ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!



Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff.
I receive it from warped friends and family and then pass it on.

 

[kayte]

Natural Born

The following is a funny and true story shared by Bob who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School.

In one of Bob's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States.

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

Bob and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument bystating ..."What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section!"


... And someday she'll vote! The sad part is many like her already are. God Bless America!

{{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}} Smiling and shuddering!

 

[kayte]

I think he should be in my next post!

Be Careful Out There:



IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door re paired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/ 4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two....'
We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From west Kingman , KS .



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS






​

Absolutely! A perfect fit.

 

[kayte]

Ain't It The Truth!

A skinhead was window shopping with his girlfriend when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, babe," he said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, she admired a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, honey," he said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Soon they passed a Mercedes dealership. "I'd do anything for one of those!" she said, pointing to a convertible. "Damn it, baby!" cried the skinhead, "do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

 

[curl4ever]

Murder at Walmart
...

Definitely a three-groaner! Thanks, kayte!

 

[kayte]

Definitely a three-groaner! Thanks, kayte!

Good morning {{{{{Curl}}}}} Glad you enjoyed that.

 

[kayte]

1. Getting Rid Of A Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard and asks him if he can remove a curse he has been living under for the last 40 years.
"Maybe," says the Wizard, "but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put this curse on you."
Without hesitation, the old man say, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

2. What Would You Like Them To Say?

Three friends from the local congregation were asked by their Priest, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
And Igor said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!' "

 

[kayte]

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over
my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

 

[kayte]

CLEAN JOKES

Attending a wedding for> the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride> dressed in white?''> The mother replied, 'Because white is> the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shoveme either!'

Three boys are in the> school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect the money!'

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied,'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny > seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

 

[smoothdevil]

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over
my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

lol lol lol ... there are only 2 possibilities here .... either she looks like a bat or he is a bat ... lol lol

 

[done_got_old]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.

 

[curl4ever]

Good morning {{{{{Curl}}}}} Glad you enjoyed that.

Hi kayte! Your humor postings are always a highlight of my day.
Thanks for today's great postings (Black Bra and Clean Jokes)! (Sad but true commentary on marriages. <sigh>)

Not to forget you, d_g_o... "Nut-scratching" was priceless!

 

[kayte]

lol lol lol ... there are only 2 possibilities here .... either she looks like a bat or he is a bat ... lol lol

Happy Hump Day {{{{{{{smooth}}}}} Glad you liked it.

 

[kayte]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.

Happy Hump Day {{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

I am ROTFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

Hi kayte! Your humor postings are always a highlight of my day.
Thanks for today's great postings (Black Bra and Clean Jokes)! (Sad but true commentary on marriages. <sigh>)

Not to forget you, d_g_o... "Nut-scratching" was priceless!

Good morning {{{{Curl}}}}} Glad to know you liked them. Yes it is sad but so true. Guess we do hope though as people continue to marry.

Have a Happy Hump Day!

 

[kayte]

1. At The Psychiatrist's Office

A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

2. Vengeance

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said to his wife.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. "What is it?"
"Six months after I die," said John, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," said his wife.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

 

[kayte]

Subject: Fwd: I think we have all spoken to him!!!


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green
..'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,
'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him... I know I have.

 

[smoothdevil]

1. At The Psychiatrist's Office

2. Vengeance

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said to his wife.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. "What is it?"
"Six months after I die," said John, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," said his wife.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

S U P E R ..... lol lol lol

 

[kayte]

S U P E R ..... lol lol lol

Happy Hump Day {{{{{Smooth}}}}} Glad you enjoyed them.

 

[kayte]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, Thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A set mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; You never know when you might need them to empty your Bedpan

 

[curl4ever]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...

Excellent! Thanks!

 

[smoothdevil]

and they breed

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away!

 

[smoothdevil]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.





One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

 

[curl4ever]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
...

Ahh. Thanks for the refresher course, smooth!