Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

[kayte]

Found It!

A married couple was lying in bed together.
Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder.
She murmured gently, "Ahh... nice."
His hand moved to her breast.
She grew more excited, "Sweetie, that's wonderful."
His hand moved to her leg.
She moaned, "Honey, don't stop!"
But then he stopped.
"Why did you stop?"
He responded with a click, "Because I found the remote!".

He's expected to be released from the hospital on Monday.

 

[curl4ever]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
...

Found It!
...

Thanks, smooth and kayte, for the very enjoyable start to my evening!

 

[kayte]

Thanks, smooth and kayte, for the very enjoyable start to my evening!

Good Monday morning {{{{{curl}}}}} Glad you enjoyed the funny. Hope you like this one too.

Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We discovered that, when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
And when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time the putz will buy me a diamond.

 

[curl4ever]

Mood Ring
...

Thanks, kayte!

 

[julybaby04]

Thanks, kayte!

...probably not what was asked on this thread.....but your avatar made me laugh....that is funny to me...

 

[kayte]

Thanks, kayte!

Hi {{{curl}}}} Glad you liked it.

 

[kayte]

...probably not what was asked on this thread.....but your avatar made me laugh....that is funny to me...

Hi {{{{{jb}}}}} Now yours is one hot AV.

 

[kayte]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...
This is why women should not take men> shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance camera ..

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd> invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the> security> > > camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission> Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he > practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

 

[done_got_old]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Jack, moved to Texas. Jack always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Jack stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,"Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Jack, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Jack yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!

"Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Jack. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[kayte]

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!

"Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Jack. Shoulda bought a hat."

Thank you {{{{{DGO}}}}}} That is priceless!

 

[kayte]

Cannibals

A cannibal father and son went hunting. Deep in the jungle, they hid beside a trail. Soon, a little old man walked by. The son whispered, "Dad! There's one. Let's get him!"
"No," said his father. "Not enough meat. We wait."
Later, a fat man came along. "Dad! He's huge. Let's get him!"
"No," his father said. "We'd all have heart attacks from all the fat in him. We wait."
Hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman approached.
"Dad! There's nothing wrong with that one. Let's eat her."
"No," said his father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?"
"We'll take her home alive and eat your mother!"

 

[kindtemptress]

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd> invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the> security> > > camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission> Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he > practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart[/QUOTE]



lmfao omg i love it ty

 

[smoothdevil]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,
Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to
Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to
Brownsville.

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.

From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that
read:

"I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks,"

"Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama,"

"George Strait Can't Sing,""Hillary in 2012" and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Archaeology Texas Style


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already
had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be out-done by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that
followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet,
and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
"California archaeologists have found traces of 200
year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Texas , reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near
Cut-n-Shoot, Montgomery County, Texas, Bubba Rathbone,
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Texas had already gone wireless."

TEXANS are an intelligent bunch……

 

[limiwa]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,
.......

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that
read:

"I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks,"

"Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama,"

"George Strait Can't Sing,""Hillary in 2012" and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!!

OMG made me laugh! Having driven through Texas a couple of times.... Never in any kind of Volvo...hahaha

 

[kayte]

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd> invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the> security> > > camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission> Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he > practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

lmfao omg i love it ty[/QUOTE]

Happy Hump Day Temptress ~ Glad you liked it.

 

[kayte]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,
Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to
Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to
Brownsville.

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.

From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that
read:

"I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks,"

"Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama,"

"George Strait Can't Sing,""Hillary in 2012" and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!!

Happy Hump Day {{{{{{Smooth}}}}} I'd love to see that.

 

[kayte]

Archaeology Texas Style


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already
had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be out-done by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that
followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet,
and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
"California archaeologists have found traces of 200
year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Texas , reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near
Cut-n-Shoot, Montgomery County, Texas, Bubba Rathbone,
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Texas had already gone wireless."

TEXANS are an intelligent bunch……

ROTFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

Customer Satisfaction

Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what wonderful product you have! I've used it all my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and, somehow, I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[kayte]

Religious but Hillarious

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the> Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been> canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come> prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The> congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

 

[curl4ever]

...probably not what was asked on this thread.....but your avatar made me laugh....that is funny to me...

I don't know if it was my picture you were referring to but...
Of course, I was hoping people would enjoy my avatar, but I don't think laughter was quite the way I had in mind. <sigh>

 

[curl4ever]

Cannibals
...

"Survivor, Texas Style."
...

Archaeology Texas Style
…

Religious but Hilarious
...

Dear kayte and smooth,
STUNNING contributions today! Thanks!

 

[omahaman2]

Bar Bet

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first....... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

 

[kayte]

I don't know if it was my picture you were referring to but...
Of course, I was hoping people would enjoy my avatar, but I don't think laughter was quite the way I had in mind. <sigh>

Dear kayte and smooth,
STUNNING contributions today! Thanks!

Good evening {{{{{{Curl}}}}}} I do enjoy your AV sweetie.

Glad you enjoyed the funnies I shared.