Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

All women should live so long as to be like this old lady.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce", that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I outlived the bitches. '

 

[smoothdevil]

...... This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return
something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!


A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her
that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ! ;


In a huff, the woman says,



'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

ROTFLMAO .....

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job !

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

revenge is so sweet at times ..... LOL LOL LOL

 

[kayte]

Kayte,

Thank you for saying so. You are too kind.

You are most welcome {{{{{Kowboy}}}}}

Happy Hump Day! X10

 

[kayte]

courtroom q&a..
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

bumper stickers...
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"

My other car is a broom.

I brake for no apparent reason .

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Happy Hump Day Icey ~ Those are great.

 

[kayte]

All women should live so long as to be like this old lady.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce", that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I outlived the bitches. '

Happy Hump Day {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}} That is absolutely hysterical. I can just visualize the lady tottering down the aisle, turning and...

 

[kayte]

The best Joke of the Year!


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me.

 

[smoothdevil]

The best Joke of the Year!


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'



How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me.

ROTFLMAO ..... great

 

[kayte]

What happens to your cursor when you post too much on Lit. ​

 

[kayte]

ROTFLMAO ..... great

Good afternoon {{{{smooth}}}} Glad you liked it!

 

[smoothdevil]

Two Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his weenie through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

 

[kayte]

Two Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his weenie through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

TGIF {{{{{{{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for the laugh!

 

[smoothdevil]

Because Everyone In Canada Lives In An Igloo.

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do .

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs ..

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
__________________

 

[omahaman2]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into t he car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don 't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/fd37107d.gif

 

[kayte]

Because Everyone In Canada Lives In An Igloo.

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do .

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs ..

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
__________________

Happy Monday {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}} That is absolutely marvelous!

 

[kayte]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into t he car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don 't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

{{{{{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}}

I am LMAO!!!

 

[kayte]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/fd37107d.gif

Good Monday {{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}} Now that is such a groaner.

 

[kayte]

So It Is Written

A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have."
"Even PMS?" a woman asked.
"Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it and tell you the passage at Mass next week."
So everyone goes home, and the priest is looking for the passage and Sunday comes around.
He gets in front of the congregation and begins his Homily in Mass. "People, I have found the passage in the Bible referring to PMS."
"Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked.
"It's right here in this passage where it says, 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem'."

 

[kayte]

A matter of perspective

At The Pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'."

 

[curl4ever]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
...

... <scarf fashions> ...

At The Pub
...

Stunning contributions all! Thanks, omahaman, d_g_o, and kayte!

 

[omahaman2]

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said "That's good son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A matter of perspective

At The Pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'."

LOL LOL LOL ...... great

 

[kayte]

Seeking Help

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me," said the man. "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but any time I talk to a pretty young woman like you, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

 

[kayte]

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said "That's good son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

LMAO {{{{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}}}