Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Bar Bet

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first....... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

{{{{{{{Oman}}}}}}}}}} That is hysterical!

 

[done_got_old]

Be careful when trying on clothes.

 

[kayte]

Chocolate is a vegetable​

 

[kayte]

Be careful when trying on clothes.

Good morning {{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}}}

That is hysterical. Thank you so very much for the laugh!

 

[kayte]

Reflections On Life

1. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly, you're in bed with a relative.

2. Why is it we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

3. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

4. I saw a young woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "implants?" She hit me.

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail; but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn ... That was fun!"

 

[done_got_old]

Chocolate is a vegetable​

I love it! I'm off to the store for chocolate.

 

[kayte]

Definitely smile worthy.

What a Wonderful World​

 

[kayte]

I love it! I'm off to the store for chocolate.

Now don't eat it all on the walk back home!

 

[Wings27]

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you've ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there. You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Cloquet, Edina, Shakopee and Anoka, you might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you might live in Minnesota.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit you might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Road Construction, you might live in Minnesota.

You find -10 Degrees F a "little chilly", you might live in Minnesota.

 

[kayte]

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you've ever refused to by something because it's "too spendy", you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there. You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Cloquet, Edina, Shakopee and Anoka, you might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you might live in Minnesota.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit you might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Road Construction, you might live in Minnesota.

You find -10 Degrees F a "little chilly", you might live in Minnesota.

LMAO ~ Thank you so much Wings!

 

[Wings27]

LMAO ~ Thank you so much Wings!

I often do the sweatshirt and shorts thing here, I'm definitely living in MN!!

 

[kayte]

I often do the sweatshirt and shorts thing here, I'm definitely living in MN!!

I do live in WI as my location says and I do so understand.

 

[omahaman2]

A harried man runs into his physician's office. "Doctor! Doctor! My wife's in labor! But she keeps screaming, 'Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, can't!'"

"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."

 

[kayte]

A harried man runs into his physician's office. "Doctor! Doctor! My wife's in labor! But she keeps screaming, 'Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, can't!'"

"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."

Hi {{{{{Oman}}}}}

Such a groaner too. Have a fabulous Friday!

 

[kayte]

Words of Wisdom From Celebrities

1. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen

2. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield

3. "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner

4. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia

5. "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns

6. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone

7. "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A lengthy joke....

The Pope goes to NYC during a world tour to speak to the United Nations General Assembly. The flight took longer than anticipated, and he is getting restless and nervous about his speech. He knows it will be televised world-wide and wants time to freshen up and mentally prepare.

On touchdown, he climbs into the limo assigned to him. he is in such a hurry that his traveling staff wait on their cars while the Pope travels ahead to save time.

Unfortunately, without the caravan, there is no police escort. NYC traffic is particularly brutal at that time of day, and the limo's progress is incremental at best. Worrying, the Pope softly strums his fingertips against the door handle while trying to remain calm. But the tension is building up, and he decides to speak up to the driver.

"Excuse me, " says the Pope, "but I am in such a hurry right now, could you please find a faster path to the UN building my son?"

The limo driver explains that this is rush hour traffic and there is no faster way - the his Holiness would have to remain patient.

The Pope hears the words, but they do not calm him much. After a few more minutes, he tells the limo driver, "Excuse me again, my son, but we simply MUST go faster. Please drive faster!"

The limo driver again explains the delays, and tells the Pope that they will get there only as fast as the car in front of them is traveling.

Finally, the Pope cannot take it any longer, and tells the driver, "I am in a hurry and you are taking too much time. Either drive faster, or let me drive."

The driver has had enough of this, and agrees to the swap. The driver and the Pope swap seats and the Pope starts trying to decide if he can find a faster route on his own. He spots an empty street to his left, and imemdiately guns the engine to get across traffic to that street. As he starts down it, the driver gets worried since it is a one-way street, and they are going the wrong direction.

Then the Pope cuts across over Central Park - right thru the park - in his attempt to gain time. Finally, after driving like a maniac for 15 minutes or so, New York's finest pulls him over.

The cop taps on the window and says, "Roll 'er down buddy..." The Pope complies, and when the cop see's him, the cop says, "OMG! Do I know you?" To which the Pope says, "Yes, I believe you do my son."

The cop explains that he hasn't been trained for something like this, and tells the Pope that he will be chatting with his sargeant for a few minutes to figure this all out.

The Sargeant gets on the radio and asks what the hubbub is all about. The cop explains,
You will not belive this, but I have an incredibly important person pulled over for driving like a maniac...but I am not sure I can give him a ticket - he's too important!"

"Too important?" asks the sarge, "No such thing - just give the guy a ticket."

"But sarge, this guy is way WAY too important to give a ticket to!"

The sarge responds, "How important can the guy be? Give him a ticket for cripes sakes! Who is this guy? Is he important as the mayor?"

"Sarge, he is way more important than the mayor"

"More important than a senator?"

"Yes sarge, he is way more important than a senator too"

"More important than a senator? Sheesh, is he more important than the President? I'd give the president a ticket if he drove like a maniac"

"Sarge, trust me, in my opinion, this guy is way WAY more important than the President of the Unioted States!"

"More important than the President? Who IS this guy?"

"I don't know his name Sarge, but he is so important that he has the Pope as his driver!"

 

[kayte]

The Pope goes to NYC during a world tour to speak to the United Nations General Assembly. The flight took longer than anticipated, and he is getting restless and nervous about his speech. He knows it will be televised world-wide and wants time to freshen up and mentally prepare....


"I don't know his name Sarge, but he is so important that he has the Pope as his driver!"

ROTFLMAO! That is great Jeff, thank you.

 

[curl4ever]

... 'Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, can't!'...

Hi, omahaman,

I've seen this one before, and kept twisting it around in my mind. Perhaps because she's having contractions, she's regretting having sex in the first place and threatening to never let her husband touch her again? <duh>

Thanks for posting it today, though, since I *finally* got the joke.
(Some of us are just slow, I guess. )

The Pope goes to NYC ...

One of my all-time favorites. Thanks, jeff!

 

[kayte]

None of that Sissy Stuff

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems

that always sound good, but never actually come close

to reality? well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of

True Friendship. You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces

on this card-Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.



1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad

like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again.

I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off. After I laugh my rear off!!

9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

-- because you are my FRIEND!

***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.

**********************​

 

[curl4ever]

<friendship>

VERY FUNNY! Thanks, kayte!

 

[limiwa]

Saying Good-bye to Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years
Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering
machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.



We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the
house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the
house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because
she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs

upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the

driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So,she explains to the

taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my
mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as

we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her

by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

[curl4ever]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
...

Outstanding! Thanks for the great story, limiwa!

 

[omahaman2]

Quite a scare in Washington, D.C. today. Police were called to the White House. Apparently President Obama was in a meeting with some potential Cabinet nominees when someone noticed a suspicious- looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form.

 

[omahaman2]

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

 

[curl4ever]

Quite a scare in Washington, D.C. today. ...

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, ...

Very funny! Thanks, omahaman!