Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit

 

[kayte]

20 THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME.

The list given below is to be taken lightly. There is no person as great as a MOTHER. As they say, If you're looking for heaven. You will find it under your mother’s feet.

1) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, Do it outside . I just finished cleaning.'
2) My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet'
3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4)My mother taught me LOGIC . 'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6) My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
7. My mother taught me about CONTORTION - ISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your> neck?'
8. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is> gone.'
9. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
10. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times . Don't exaggerate!'
11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION . 'Stop acting like your father.'
12. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.' '
14. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
15. My mother taught me humour.' 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
16. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up...'
17. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
18. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
19. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
20. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

 

[curl4ever]

Happy St Patrick's Day {{{{{{Curl}}}}} I am so happy to know you enjoyed them. Best way to provide that kind of service when online.

As always, I am very appreciative of that kind of service!
- curl

 

[kayte]

As always, I am very appreciative of that kind of service!
- curl

Thank you sweetie. Hope you had a marvelous day.

 

[curl4ever]

Thank you sweetie. Hope you had a marvelous day.

Thanks for the wish. It did turn out to be a marvelous day (even though I had to run out of the house ahead of schedule and didn't have time to choose a green outfit).

 

[kayte]

Thanks for the wish. It did turn out to be a marvelous day (even though I had to run out of the house ahead of schedule and didn't have time to choose a green outfit).

{{{{{{{{{{Curl}}}}}}}}} Nice to see you again. Glad you had such a day yesterday. Hope today is just as good.

 

[kayte]

I'm Just Here For ...

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.
The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.
Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater.
He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.
The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen.... halfway through a dog even got in on the action.
Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman looked back and whispered, "It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!"

 

[kyguy33]

omg kayte thats funny as hell.

 

[kayte]

omg kayte thats funny as hell.

Good afternoon kyguy ~ Welcome to the thread. Glad you are enjoying the funnies.

Happy Hump Day!

 

[smoothdevil]

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS…



Which one would you rather have?


PARKINSONS of course!


Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!
.
.
.

 

[kayte]

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS…



Which one would you rather have?


PARKINSONS of course!


Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!
.
.
.

Groans !!!

 

[kayte]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked. "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300." "My goodness that sure is a lot," Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it... From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet." This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

 

[limiwa]

Best late than not at all...

An Irish observance ....

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry,
walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.


The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man
three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table,
alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers
and orders three more.

This happens yet again. The next evening the man
again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several
times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who
Orders Three Beers."

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the
subject on behalf of the town.. "I don't mean to pry,
but folks around here are wondering why you always
order three beers?"

"Tis odd, tisn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have
two brothers, and one went to America, and the other
to Australia. We promised each other that we would
always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a
way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with
this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers"
became a local celebrity and source of pride to the
village, even to the extent that out-of-towner's would
come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers.

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This
continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only
two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are
offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks
around here, me first of all, want to offer
condolences to you for the death of your brother. You
know-the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are
alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."

 

[kayte]

Best late than not at all...

An Irish observance ....

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry,
walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.


The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man
three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table,
alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers
and orders three more.

This happens yet again. The next evening the man
again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several
times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who
Orders Three Beers."

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the
subject on behalf of the town.. "I don't mean to pry,
but folks around here are wondering why you always
order three beers?"

"Tis odd, tisn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have
two brothers, and one went to America, and the other
to Australia. We promised each other that we would
always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a
way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with
this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers"
became a local celebrity and source of pride to the
village, even to the extent that out-of-towner's would
come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers.

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This
continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only
two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are
offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks
around here, me first of all, want to offer
condolences to you for the death of your brother. You
know-the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are
alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."

{{{{{{{{{Limi}}}}}}}} Darling that is perfect!

 

[limiwa]

{{{{{{{{{Limi}}}}}}}} Darling that is perfect!

Hugs to ye Kayte!

It be Irish.

 

[DDgirl]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[smoothdevil]

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,

But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,

For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

 

[curl4ever]

{{{{{{{{{{Curl}}}}}}}}} Nice to see you again. Glad you had such a day yesterday. Hope today is just as good.

Yesterday was good. Today disappeared. Looking forward to a "normal" tomorrow.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. ...

Very nice! Thanks, kayte!

An Irish observance ....

Thanks for that Lenten thought, limiwa!

...
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
...
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Very funny jokes and an extremely true conclusion!!! Thanks, DDgirl!

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,

But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,

For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Hi, smooth!



I think you might enjoy these final, classic lines:


"As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes."



Love you guys. Thanks for the funnies!
- curl

 

[kayte]

Hugs to ye Kayte!

It be Irish.

Hi {{{{{Limi}}}}} Well I be Irish meself!

 

[kayte]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Good evening DDGirl! Those are all grand, but the one above is my fave.

 

[kayte]

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fookin' fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well... yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."

 

[kayte]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word
'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in
our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

 

[omahaman2]

http://lc.fdots.com/cc/lc/cb/cb95c0be15018a695feff827825efc55.gif

 

[smoothdevil]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word
'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in
our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

S U P E R ................. lol lol lol

 

[cali_gold_420]

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female :

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.