Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

ok ok
what does a kodak camera and a condom have in common???


they both capture that special moment!!!!

LMAO

 

[kayte]

Two Woodpeckers..........
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

That is priceless!

 

[kayte]

Things You Won't See In Hallmark Cards ... Ever



1. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat,
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

2. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
Did you ever find the father of the boy?

3. So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day;
Look on the bright side,
It's really good pay!

 

[settledseas]

Things You Won't See In Hallmark Cards ... Ever



1. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat,
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

2. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
Did you ever find the father of the boy?

3. So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day;
Look on the bright side,
It's really good pay!

ok ok good good lol!

 

[kayte]

The Ideal Woman

George turned to his 40-year-old buddy on the next bar stool and asked, "John, Why aren't you married?"

"I guess I just haven't found the right woman," replied John.

"So what would she be like?" asked George.

"Well, George, she'd have to be real pretty, great at sex, a good cook and housekeeper, know how to handle money, with a pleasant personality, oh, and money, too. And, a nice house would help," said John.

George grimaced. "A woman like that would be crazy to marry you."


"Oh, I don't care if she's crazy," said John.

 

[settledseas]

hahaha ok!! smile hi K!!

 

[kayte]

Mathematical Proof

Step 1. To find a woman you need Time and Money, therfore:
Woman = Time x Money

Step 2. "Time is money", so:
Time = Money

Step 3. Therefore:
Woman = Money x Money, or Woman = (Money)2

Step 4. "Money is the root of all problems."
Money = Problems

Step 5. Therefore:
Woman = Problems


Well it did give me a grin!

 

[kayte]

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING . . . . . . . BRRRRR!!

65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

 

[bisolom]

Speaking as someone who liveed in MN for 31 years,
y6ou have no idea how accurate that ^^^^is. LMAO

 

[kayte]

Speaking as someone who liveed in MN for 31 years,
y6ou have no idea how accurate that ^^^^is. LMAO

Hi bisolom ~ Well I have a brother who lives there and I've visited, so even though I am in WI I do have an understanding of it and I had to share.

Glad you enjoyed it.

 

[done_got_old]

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING . . . . . . . BRRRRR!!

65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

very good!

 

[settledseas]

\lol lol lol very good Kayte!!

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING . . . . . . . BRRRRR!!

65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

 

[kayte]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely

ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the

check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine

my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come

forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six

items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my

elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-

minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,'

the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were

seated immediately.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that

they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've

passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her

down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;

the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in

marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should

relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When

you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members

are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'



Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,

a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful

teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in

people's lives..'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk

to God.Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million

years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The

Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

-------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is

happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's

poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her,

I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to

her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'

 

[kayte]

Stealing Peaches

A 50-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her: "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches," she replied.
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches.
"I was hungry," she replied.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can?
"Six," she said.
"I will give you six days in jail," the judge said but, before he could actually make the sentence official, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
"What is it?" the judge asked.
"She also stole a can of peas."

 

[settledseas]

hahaha very gooo Kayte . .the peaches

 

[smoothdevil]

Divorce proceedings ~~~

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings
of a Jewish couple.

When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is
complete the woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.."

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.

So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire dick!"

 

[kayte]

Divorce proceedings ~~~

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings
of a Jewish couple.

When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is
complete the woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.."

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.

So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire dick!"

Good aftenroon {{{{smooth}}}}} That is great.

 

[kayte]

Senior Sex

An 81-year-old man at the retirement home finally worked up courage to ask an 80-year-old woman out on a date. They watched "The Sound of Music" on tape in the home's rec room, and had a delightful dinner in the home's cafeteria. After dinner, he asked if they could sip some Metamucil in her room and, after a while, they slipped into her bed for a romp.
After their lovemaking, he laid back in the bed and thought, "If only I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle."
She laid back and thought, "If only I had thought he was up to it, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

 

[done_got_old]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my shit list ...

 

[limiwa]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my shit list ...

bah...thanks for that funny.

 

[kayte]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my shit list ...

Good afternoon {{{{DGO}}}} Your post has me ROTFLMAO!

 

[done_got_old]

Good afternoon {{{{DGO}}}} Your post has me ROTFLMAO!

Good!!

 

[limiwa]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women..

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife...

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee..

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

 

[kayte]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women..

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife...

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee..

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Thank you {{{{limi}}}} These are grand!

 

[done_got_old]

What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's clothes were stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.