Laughter is Contagious

[settledseas]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the
word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the aquarium and
we were fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I w anted you
to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinated."

Just then Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was No way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.

Johnny said , "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are So BIG she can only " fasten eight " ."

The teacher sat down and cried.

___

 

[done_got_old]

Challenged Senior​

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yard was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

 

[kayte]

http://www.afwing.com/images/f18/f18c.jpg please click reply to get the best of this.



A conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .




It's too good not to pass along..

The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence)

Hi Settled ~ Thank you so much. That is great.

 

[kayte]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the
word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the aquarium and
we were fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I w anted you
to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinated."

Just then Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was No way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.

Johnny said , "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are So BIG she can only " fasten eight " ."

The teacher sat down and cried.

___

Giggles!

 

[kayte]

Challenged Senior​

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yard was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Good morning {{{{{DGO}}}}} That is grand. Especially the bi-sacksual part!

 

[smoothdevil]

Challenged Senior​

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.


Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

........ S U P E R ...................

 

[limiwa]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These. .



In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner..




Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the
wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?


Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.



What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is
Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

 

[kayte]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These. .



In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner..




Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the
wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?


Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.



What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is
Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

Good morning {{{{{limi}}}}} Thank you for the grins and laughs!

 

[PolyLvr]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."


My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

 

[likes2watchU]

Dogs and Cats

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob,
or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is:
Kiss me first,
then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct
my mind to give you my food will not work (usually).
I am too old and too tired.
Go stare at the kids.
They are younger and more susceptible to mind control.
If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they
can be individuals.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message
on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT
AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

 

[PolyLvr]

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence)

Good ones

 

[kayte]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."


My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

Those are both grand! Thank you.

 

[kayte]

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob,
or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is:
Kiss me first,
then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct
my mind to give you my food will not work (usually).
I am too old and too tired.
Go stare at the kids.
They are younger and more susceptible to mind control.
If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they
can be individuals.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message
on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT
AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

Good afternoon Likes ~ Yes that sums it up.

 

[kayte]

How To Know If You Have Intelligent People Around You.........

Obama met with the Queen of England . He asks her, "Your Majesty,
how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you
can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her
intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you? "

Tony Blair walks into the room and says, "Yes, your majesty?"

The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this please, Tony ~ ~ ~ Your
mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not
your sister . . . Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be
me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the
same question ~ ~ ~ "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your
father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."
He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an
answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother
and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who
is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy ~ It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, he goes back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and
I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face,
"No!, you idiot! . . . It's Tony Blair!"

 

[kayte]

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by they drink.

Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill
against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
For ever and ever,

 

[settledseas]

Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey thats a good idea But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "Its a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel

 

[kayte]

Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey thats a good idea But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "Its a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel

Good morning! That is great!

 

[KinkyMichigan]

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa has only 3 Ho's...

 

[kayte]

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa has only 3 Ho's...

Thank you Kinky ~ That is perfect. Has me ROTFLMAO!

 

[CCaprice]

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa has only 3 Ho's...

 

[settledseas]

Hooker in Las Vegas


A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye


He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"


The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."


The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"


The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Yes."



"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"



"Yes."



"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"



"Yes."



"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."


So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."


They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.


He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."


"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"


The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."


Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.


He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.


He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.


He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"


The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.


Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?



"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"



No," the hooker replies, "but I would.. if I had a pussy."

 

[settledseas]

Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his eye. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'

 

[settledseas]

ok ok
what does a kodak camera and a condom have in common???


they both capture that special moment!!!!

 

[settledseas]

Two Woodpeckers..........
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

 

[kayte]

Hooker in Las Vegas


A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye


He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"


The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."


The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"


The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Yes."



"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"



"Yes."



"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"



"Yes."



"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."


So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."


They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.


He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."


"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"


The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."


Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.


He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.


He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.


He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"


The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.


Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?



"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"



No," the hooker replies, "but I would.. if I had a pussy."

Hi there seas ~ That is absolutely hysterical.