Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's clothes were stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

ROTFLMAO! That is absolutely fantastic.

 

[kayte]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place,in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

 

[likes2watchU]

Anyone read the Onion?

Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again

By Karen Robertson
January 12, 2010 | Issue 46•02
Karen Robertson

Jordan, Tyler, come here. Sit down. I wanted to speak to you today about something that's been on Mommy's mind a lot lately. As you know, it's been almost two whole years since your father passed away, and we all miss him very, very much. But after a long period of mourning, I think we've finally healed enough as a family to begin moving forward with our lives. So, after giving it a lot of thought, your mother has come to the decision that she is finally ready to start fucking again.

It's time, kids. Your mother can't go on grieving forever.

Now, I know you guys only want to think of me as just "Mom," and that's okay! Believe me, nothing brings me greater joy than being your Mom. But the truth is, I'm more than just the lady who tucks you in at night and used to kiss your boo-boos. I'm also a grown-up, and grown-ups have certain—how should I put this—needs that can only be met by other grown-ups. Very special needs. Like companionship. And affection. And the steady thrust of a man's engorged penis sliding ever so gently, deeper, deeper, inside of her.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes your mother gets lonely and feels like spending some time with a person her own age. A special friend, you might say. A special friend who will tenderly lick your mother's breasts, and her clitoris, and maybe pull her hair when she asks him to. But I want you to know that I am not trying to replace your father, okay? Your father will always be your father, and no one could ever replace him. This isn't about that.

This is about finding a well-hung fuck-stud to shove his manhood inside of Mommy and, with any luck, bring her to a shattering climax. A man—any man—who will fuck her hard and fuck her soft and fuck her however she wants it, whenever she desires.

Believe me, kids, if your father were still around to slam me silly, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. But he's not, and I know this is exactly what he would have wanted. You'll understand when you're older.

And please don't think that once I get a little deep dicking things won't be the same around here. You might worry that these new friends I'm inviting back to my bedroom at all hours of the night to turn me inside out will become more important to me than you. Well, let me tell you right now: Even an 18-year-old quarterback with a face like Johnny Depp's and the dong of a Clydesdale could never, ever make me forget that you are the most important things in my life. His perfect, smooth cock would still pale in comparison to you two. Even if it had a big thick throbbing head.

And no, you won't have to call this person daddy. I will, but you don't have to.

Oh, my perfect little angels. This must seem so unfair to you. Here we are, finally getting settled into our new lives, and now I go and throw another curveball at you. I'm sure this is all very confusing, and I know you guys must think it's too soon for your mother to get screwed so hard her fillings come loose. To get porked rotten. To have her sugar wall churned into cotton candy. To taste the sweaty tang of a man's thickening shaft. To have her ass ridden raw all the way to San Antonio. To break it off so nasty that the very angels in heaven have to avert their eyes. To be thrown around like a rag doll, back and forth, upside down, fucked, stuffed, and eaten out till she honks like a goose. To have her anus drilled like a well of West Texas crude. To get split in half by Dominicans twins with balls like grape melons. But trust me, Mommy is ready for all of these things, and I promise you that everything will turn out fine. Just remember: I'm your mother, and I love you more than anything in the whole wide world. Even multiple orgasms. Never forget that.

Now, who wants a grilled cheese?

 

[done_got_old]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place,in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

good one

 

[settledseas]

yes by far Done and kayte are a hoot!! very nice lol lol

 

[Roofman]

An oldie but goodie

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

 

[done_got_old]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

There's nothing wrong with a great oldie! Thanks.

 

[eyesbrown88]

LOL ... glad I found this thread I'm always up for a good laugh.

 

[done_got_old]

LOL ... glad I found this thread I'm always up for a good laugh.

Then this is the place for you! Welcome to the thread and to lit.

 

[kayte]

Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again

By Karen Robertson
January 12, 2010 | Issue 46•02
Karen Robertson

Jordan, Tyler, come here. Sit down. I wanted to speak to you today about something that's been on Mommy's mind a lot lately. As you know, it's been almost two whole years since your father passed away, and we all miss him very, very much. But after a long period of mourning, I think we've finally healed enough as a family to begin moving forward with our lives. So, after giving it a lot of thought, your mother has come to the decision that she is finally ready to start fucking again.

It's time, kids. Your mother can't go on grieving forever.

Now, I know you guys only want to think of me as just "Mom," and that's okay! Believe me, nothing brings me greater joy than being your Mom. But the truth is, I'm more than just the lady who tucks you in at night and used to kiss your boo-boos. I'm also a grown-up, and grown-ups have certain—how should I put this—needs that can only be met by other grown-ups. Very special needs. Like companionship. And affection. And the steady thrust of a man's engorged penis sliding ever so gently, deeper, deeper, inside of her.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes your mother gets lonely and feels like spending some time with a person her own age. A special friend, you might say. A special friend who will tenderly lick your mother's breasts, and her clitoris, and maybe pull her hair when she asks him to. But I want you to know that I am not trying to replace your father, okay? Your father will always be your father, and no one could ever replace him. This isn't about that.

This is about finding a well-hung fuck-stud to shove his manhood inside of Mommy and, with any luck, bring her to a shattering climax. A man—any man—who will fuck her hard and fuck her soft and fuck her however she wants it, whenever she desires.

Believe me, kids, if your father were still around to slam me silly, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. But he's not, and I know this is exactly what he would have wanted. You'll understand when you're older.

And please don't think that once I get a little deep dicking things won't be the same around here. You might worry that these new friends I'm inviting back to my bedroom at all hours of the night to turn me inside out will become more important to me than you. Well, let me tell you right now: Even an 18-year-old quarterback with a face like Johnny Depp's and the dong of a Clydesdale could never, ever make me forget that you are the most important things in my life. His perfect, smooth cock would still pale in comparison to you two. Even if it had a big thick throbbing head.

And no, you won't have to call this person daddy. I will, but you don't have to.

Oh, my perfect little angels. This must seem so unfair to you. Here we are, finally getting settled into our new lives, and now I go and throw another curveball at you. I'm sure this is all very confusing, and I know you guys must think it's too soon for your mother to get screwed so hard her fillings come loose. To get porked rotten. To have her sugar wall churned into cotton candy. To taste the sweaty tang of a man's thickening shaft. To have her ass ridden raw all the way to San Antonio. To break it off so nasty that the very angels in heaven have to avert their eyes. To be thrown around like a rag doll, back and forth, upside down, fucked, stuffed, and eaten out till she honks like a goose. To have her anus drilled like a well of West Texas crude. To get split in half by Dominicans twins with balls like grape melons. But trust me, Mommy is ready for all of these things, and I promise you that everything will turn out fine. Just remember: I'm your mother, and I love you more than anything in the whole wide world. Even multiple orgasms. Never forget that.

Now, who wants a grilled cheese?

LOL

 

[kayte]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

Good afternoon Roofman ~ That one is always funny to read. Oldies are always good. Hope we see you again.

 

[kayte]

LOL ... glad I found this thread I'm always up for a good laugh.

Hi eyesbrown ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread.

 

[Roofman]

Good afternoon Roofman ~ That one is always funny to read. Oldies are always good. Hope we see you again.

Oh I have been lurking on this thread since page 1, but thank you!

 

[kayte]

Oh I have been lurking on this thread since page 1, but thank you!

Good evening Roofman ~ Lurking can be so much fun. I just read your profile. Love your comment about Lit and hobbies.

 

[kayte]

TGIF Everyone!!

Do You Want To Go To Heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said,
"I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

[done_got_old]

TGIF Everyone!!

Do You Want To Go To Heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said,
"I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

lol This is funny!

 

[done_got_old]

A letter from Satan!

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?
If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best Regards,
Satan

 

[fathom7]

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?
If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best Regards,
Satan

Now this is a post. Brava!

 

[kayte]

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?
If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best Regards,
Satan

{{{{DGO}}}} That is absolutely perfect and priceless!

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?
If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best Regards,
Satan

Great .... still amazes me, all the people that actually believe in these snake oil salesmen ....

 

[done_got_old]

Great .... still amazes me, all the people that actually believe in these snake oil salesmen ....

Too many. But that's because they feed the people what they want to hear.

 

[kayte]

1. Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A. Because 90% boys are right handed.

2. Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR and a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull
down the UNDERWEAR..... IT's SHOWTIME!

3. Q: What is the similarity between a wife and chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

4. Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

5. My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

 

[kayte]

On The Farm

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[AuralFix]

A man suffering from debilitating migraines so intense and constant he has lost time from work might be fired. He goes to his doctor and after running the gamut of treatments, the man told the only surefire way to cure his constant pain is castration. Needing both his job and to end his constant agony, the man relents and has the proceedure...upon waking in recovery, his pain is GONE. To celebrate, he goes shopping for a new suit, custom made, to return to work. The tailor gives him a once over and, without ever pulling out tape measure, tells the man all of his measurements. The man is astounded as he rattles off every measurement precisely, until he eyes the mans' ass/crotch and tells him he needs size extra-large underwear. The man scoffs "HAH! You're wrong, sir! I am a medium and have been for years!" The tailor sniffs dismissively, "Sir, you cannot be. Size medium underwear would be too tight and give you intense headaches..."

 

[kayte]

A man suffering from debilitating migraines so intense and constant he has lost time from work might be fired. He goes to his doctor and after running the gamut of treatments, the man told the only surefire way to cure his constant pain is castration. Needing both his job and to end his constant agony, the man relents and has the proceedure...upon waking in recovery, his pain is GONE. To celebrate, he goes shopping for a new suit, custom made, to return to work. The tailor gives him a once over and, without ever pulling out tape measure, tells the man all of his measurements. The man is astounded as he rattles off every measurement precisely, until he eyes the mans' ass/crotch and tells him he needs size extra-large underwear. The man scoffs "HAH! You're wrong, sir! I am a medium and have been for years!" The tailor sniffs dismissively, "Sir, you cannot be. Size medium underwear would be too tight and give you intense headaches..."

AuralFix ~ That is hysterically funny. Thank you so much!