Let's talk about sex

[homunculus]

It's very sexy to watch a woman get closer and closer to coming, and to have her spread her legs and move for your pleasure as well as hers, then to lower yourself into her when she is so ready to come again... Re naughtiness and such, SweetErika, I take your point that I was generalizing. But I suspect that when all those middle aged men (as they so often identify themselves) on the bi thread talk about wanting to suck a cock, that the lizard in their lizard brain is flicking its tongue about in search of something new, forbidden, etc., and that if all those forbidden-fantasy supports fell away, and it was just a guy with his cock out of his zipper, mabye in a locker or something of the sort, their reaction might be, boring...or, that looks dumb, where is the pussy? But, of course, some men, many, who knows, desire the liberating (for them) experience of having certain kinds of pleasure (oral, anal, whatever) in and of itself. So, if you asked your partner, has he ever fantasized about doing a man, he might give a roundabout not so exciting answer. If you gave him sexy inducements to provide a fantasy for you (thus making it safe for him--he'd say to himself, I'm just providing this scenario for her), it would be different... Suggests some interesting experiments...

 

[LadyJeanne]

...the lizard in their lizard brain is flicking its tongue about in search of something new, forbidden, etc...

Is it possible to communicate too much? Can it take away from the delicious naughtiness of doing something forbidden? Does it take away from the mystery?

 

[Eritz]

With my ex I always had a problem opening up about exactly what was running through my head with regards to sex. She used to sometimes ask me to describe a fantasy that I have to her or describe what I was currently thinking, things I could never do at the time and had to make up tame alternatives as I felt that otherwise I'd probably end up shocking her and change how she thought about me.

We did manage to talk about some of our sex fantasies but what I think are the more tame aspects of it, like a little light bondage but I would have been very embarassed at the time to discuss something like anal sex with her.

 

[Quoll]

Masturbating for you: Even though I have and would masturbate for a partner's enjoyment, it's not my preference or the most exciting activity I can think of. For me, it has nothing to do with "wasting an orgasm" (which I think is another generic, shut-you-up response)...it's that I've come to cherish masturbating and fantasizing as something fun and wonderful that I do just for me. I kind of have an attachment to it as a quiet, private activity, and I don't have a huge desire to do it with someone else. When someone else is there, I feel the need to change up my usual routine for their added enjoyment, which seems like a violation of the idea and purpose of masturbation. Finally, if I'm with someone, I really want to be WITH them...kissing, touching, interacting, because that's something I can't do by myself.

For me watching my SO masturbate is extremely erotic and I see it as a precious gift she has given me, and an insight into her private thoughts and desires.
It also keeps me in touch with how she likes to be pleased, as these things can and do change over time.
As for the orgasm, the chance to sit back and watch her whole body react, it is certainly not wasted, the pleasure I get from watching her orgasm is incredible. Plus it is just one orgasm, there are so many more to come.


As has been mentioned before, our upbringing plays a huge part in our ability to communicate our feelings and desires.
Past traumas also play a major part in communication, for someone who has been abused or raped, to tell your partner that you like something, can be extremely confronting.

 

[homunculus]

Well put, Quoll. And you raise an interesting point--that silence around a certain practice or desire, or resistance to it, can sometimes be eloquent in itself. And sometimes going along with the reluctance or whatever-cuddling instead of having sex, or hugging instead of fondling, even when you really are in the mood for something more--can be very sexy, very loving in its own way.

 

[LadyJeanne]

And sometimes going along with the reluctance or whatever-cuddling instead of having sex, or hugging instead of fondling, even when you really are in the mood for something more--can be very sexy, very loving in its own way.

I'll take that even farther and say that those times when you are cuddling and hugging instead of having sex are ideal times for communication. That sexy, loving mood can be very powerful and can make both of you feel close to each other and 'safe', which makes talking about sex much easier.

 

[Quoll]

Originally posted by homunculus And sometimes going along with the reluctance or whatever-cuddling instead of having sex, or hugging instead of fondling, even when you really are in the mood for something more--can be very sexy, very loving in its own way.

I'll take that even farther and say that those times when you are cuddling and hugging instead of having sex are ideal times for communication. That sexy, loving mood can be very powerful and can make both of you feel close to each other and 'safe', which makes talking about sex much easier.

couldn`t agree more.



Body image, that was the other thing I was going to add.


One other aspect of communication I have come across, is when people are starting a new relationship after having been in a very longterm one previously.

For example, someone who for many years was with a partner who was not very sexually outgoing, and then for whatever reason finds themselves in a relationship with someone who is very comfortable with their sexuality and desires. The difficultys in adjusting to this new situation can be quite stressfull.

 

[Bandit58]

couldn`t agree more.



Body image, that was the other thing I was going to add.


One other aspect of communication I have come across, is when people are starting a new relationship after having been in a very longterm one previously.

For example, someone who for many years was with a partner who was not very sexually outgoing, and then for whatever reason finds themselves in a relationship with someone who is very comfortable with their sexuality and desires. The difficultys in adjusting to this new situation can be quite stressfull.

I've found it a lot of fun exploring and trying new things with Gil He will suggest something, I'll probably go something like "Oh wow that sounds kinky/scary/I dunno about that" - but then he will introduce it to me and I've found that I do enjoy it despite my initial reservations.

 

[homunculus]

image

Body image, hidden desires, new desires...Isn't the ideal lover someone who can turn our anxieties into fantasies and then convince us that the fantasies are real? In other words, 'no you aren't putting on weight, but I love how your breasts change shape and size (i.e., yes you are fat, but your tits are nice and big). You're so voluptuous this week.' Or, 'any woman will tell you that size doesn't matter, it's width. You're sooo wide...(i.e., so my lover will never grow up about his penis size, but when I talk like this he gets so turned on).' With sex, fantasy that seems real is real.

 

[fntguy]

Have sex, more. Talk about sex, less.

 

[Quoll]

Have sex, more. Talk about sex, less.

= Less sex + frustration + anger + resentment + hurt +>hatred.

------------------
No Sex
___________

 

[TheCentaur]

For my wife & I, communication gets very difficult once the kids have gotten there. It's tough to have an intimate conversation about a kinky subject after a baby cries (or babbles) on the monitor.

 

[Eilan]

Have sex, more. Talk about sex, less.

Do you know my ex-husband?

I learned from my first marriage that I need to be more communicative. We didn't talk much about sex, and we ended up with unspoken resentments that spilled over into other aspects of our marriage. I'm determined not to let that happen this time around, and I think I've come a long way in the past three years. Getting over those inhibitions takes time, though.

Centaur, I know exactly what you mean (four times over) about competing with the baby monitor. Just wait until those babies aren't in cribs anymore! That adds a whole new set of challenges!

 

[Quoll]

Do you know my ex-husband?

I learned from my first marriage that I need to be more communicative. We didn't talk much about sex, and we ended up with unspoken resentments that spilled over into other aspects of our marriage. I'm determined not to let that happen this time around, and I think I've come a long way in the past three years. Getting over those inhibitions takes time, though.

Centaur, I know exactly what you mean (four times over) about competing with the baby monitor. Just wait until those babies aren't in cribs anymore! That adds a whole new set of challenges!

Oh Eilan you are so right on both counts.
Yes it can take years to overcome inhibitions, there are so many threads here asking how to change your partner overnight. It aint gonna happen.

By the time you get the kids in bed, all you want to do is just sit and relax (fall asleep in chair) it takes a big effort sometimes, just to make a start, cuddling is good though.

 

[Eilan]

Oh Eilan you are so right on both counts.
Yes it can take years to overcome inhibitions, there are so many threads here asking how to change your partner overnight. It aint gonna happen.

By the time you get the kids in bed, all you want to do is just sit and relax (fall asleep in chair) it takes a big effort sometimes, just to make a start, cuddling is good though.

Quoll, in my longtime lurkerdom at Lit, I've seen lots of these threads. It's so difficult to make changes in a relationship, but it's also often difficult to communicate the NEED for such changes. For example, I'm not known for my ability to take criticism (constructive or otherwise); I tend to get defensive and feel inadequate. For those reasons, I'm not the greatest (though I'm improving) at asking for something to be done differently. I'm always worried that everyone else is as thin-skinned as I am.

What's really worked wonders for my husband and me is our big ol' jacuzzi tub. Once the kiddies are settled in bed for the night, we grab drinks and candles and head for the tub. We've been known to spend 2-3 hours at a time just talking about whatever. (Which, of course, includes sex, even though talking about it sometimes leads to doing it!) It's a great way for us to stay connected, and it doesn't require a lot of effort.

 

[Quoll]

Quoll, in my longtime lurkerdom at Lit, I've seen lots of these threads. It's so difficult to make changes in a relationship, but it's also often difficult to communicate the NEED for such changes. For example, I'm not known for my ability to take criticism (constructive or otherwise); I tend to get defensive and feel inadequate. For those reasons, I'm not the greatest (though I'm improving) at asking for something to be done differently. I'm always worried that everyone else is as thin-skinned as I am.

What's really worked wonders for my husband and me is our big ol' jacuzzi tub. Once the kiddies are settled in bed for the night, we grab drinks and candles and head for the tub. We've been known to spend 2-3 hours at a time just talking about whatever. (Which, of course, includes sex, even though talking about it sometimes leads to doing it!) It's a great way for us to stay connected, and it doesn't require a lot of effort.

Eilan
Congrats on being unlurked. (is that a real word)

My problem with communication stems mostly from my wifes past, I find it extremely difficult to ask for something that I like, or something new, there is always the fear that what I have asked for, may trigger bad memories or feelings in her. For the same reason she has difficulty admitting that she likes something and very rarely asks for new things. We have made slow progress but progress nonetheless. Even with total trust things must move slowly.

Oh, the jacuzzi sounds great, certainly better than trying to squish two of you in the bath

 

[australwind]

Eilan
Congrats on being unlurked. (is that a real word)

My problem with communication stems mostly from my wifes past, I find it extremely difficult to ask for something that I like, or something new, there is always the fear that what I have asked for, may trigger bad memories or feelings in her. For the same reason she has difficulty admitting that she likes something and very rarely asks for new things. We have made slow progress but progress nonetheless. Even with total trust things must move slowly.

Oh, the jacuzzi sounds great, certainly better than trying to squish two of you in the bath

Communication within a relationship is sooo important...after my Ex pushed through something he really wanted and I reluctantly agreed, he then stopped mentioning it or talking about it all. I badly needed his reassurance that where we going would be okay, but his way of dealing with it was to ignore it completely. I suppose you noted the "Ex" ...no prizes for guessing why.


I've worked out now that if I don't say what's on my mind...it festers into something that ends up out of proportion.....the other person's reaction is their problem.....honesty with, and fariness to yourself is the first step.


Hot tubs..spas..jacuzzis..they're all great for relaxing, unwinding and unburdening...........................recommend them any day!

 

[Eilan]

Eilan
Congrats on being unlurked. (is that a real word)

My problem with communication stems mostly from my wifes past, I find it extremely difficult to ask for something that I like, or something new, there is always the fear that what I have asked for, may trigger bad memories or feelings in her. For the same reason she has difficulty admitting that she likes something and very rarely asks for new things. We have made slow progress but progress nonetheless. Even with total trust things must move slowly.

Oh, the jacuzzi sounds great, certainly better than trying to squish two of you in the bath

Unlurk, de-lurk, whatever it's called, I'm enjoying it!

My ex and I were each others' first, so we learned about sex together. Fast forward about five years or so. Imagine my shock when he said to me, during the course of an argument that had NOTHING to do with sex, "I would have figured that after reading all those issues of Cosmo that you'd have learned something." It wasn't difficult to shut down after that. In fact, once my ex and I had separated and I met my husband, I was really worried at first because I assumed that, sexually, I wouldn't be good enough for him.

What's really interesting, though, is the fact that I've done things with my husband that my ex would have been adamantly opposed to--and I've enjoyed every minute of it!

BTW--the jacuzzi tubs ARE great, except for when they're the only option for bathing children.

 

[TheCentaur]

I've always wanted to remodel our master bath to put in a 2-person Jacuzzi .

 

[PrincessHoney]

i tend to talk for foreplay - then am silent during sex!!!

 

[homunculus]

boasting, etc.

I think a lot of men wish they could be honest among each other when it comes to sex. There isn't much talk about sexual fatigue, or not all of us us liking the things that we are supposed to be crazy about (blow jobs, enormous tits and so forth). I for one would welcome that kind of discussion. For ex., I think making out is much sexier than getting a handjob. Anything with 'job' in it has some limitations to begin with...

 

[australwind]

I think a lot of men wish they could be honest among each other when it comes to sex. There isn't much talk about sexual fatigue, or not all of us us liking the things that we are supposed to be crazy about (blow jobs, enormous tits and so forth). I for one would welcome that kind of discussion. For ex., I think making out is much sexier than getting a handjob. Anything with 'job' in it has some limitations to begin with...

The pressure that men are placed under "to perform"...not only in the bedroom...it's not surprising that they don't want to be honest when they feel they are not coming up to the mark.

Who would willingly admit that they just couldn't think of anything worse that having to go home and face the disappointment on the face of the SO when they trot out the "not tonight, Honey" line...there are points in everyone's lives when it does all get a bit much....but it's not part of the conditioning to be able to admit weakness...

It would be hoped that the level of communication that has been fostered between a man and his SO would allow him the space to express his concerns, likes and dislikes, knowing that he will not be judged for it any less of a man....

 

[LadyJeanne]

I think a lot of men wish they could be honest among each other when it comes to sex. There isn't much talk about sexual fatigue, or not all of us us liking the things that we are supposed to be crazy about (blow jobs, enormous tits and so forth). I for one would welcome that kind of discussion. For ex., I think making out is much sexier than getting a handjob. Anything with 'job' in it has some limitations to begin with...

Interesting point - I imagine it's not common for men to sit around talking about their great cunnilingus techniques and almost certainly not about any issues they might be having in getting their woman to orgasm (Lit and squirting excepted).

What is sexual fatigue? Is that getting tired while you're having sex (i.e., tired tongue and jaw) or not wanting to have sex cause you have it too often or too tired to continue after he comes? I apologize, but I just haven't heard the term.

 

[Quoll]

Communication within a relationship is sooo important...after my Ex pushed through something he really wanted and I reluctantly agreed, he then stopped mentioning it or talking about it all. I badly needed his reassurance that where we going would be okay, but his way of dealing with it was to ignore it completely. I suppose you noted the "Ex" ...no prizes for guessing why.


I've worked out now that if I don't say what's on my mind...it festers into something that ends up out of proportion.....the other person's reaction is their problem.....honesty with, and fariness to yourself is the first step.


Hot tubs..spas..jacuzzis..they're all great for relaxing, unwinding and unburdening...........................recommend them any day!

In all honesty, for me, my SO`s reaction is paramount to my happiness.
I do not worry about shocking or disgusting her with any of my likes, communication solves that quickly.
It is more fear of hurting her feelings or bringing things back to the surface that have long been buried, and while she may disagree that this is a problem I`m afraid it is in my nature to think this way.

What's really interesting, though, is the fact that I've done things with my husband that my ex would have been adamantly opposed to--and I've enjoyed every minute of it!

 

[LonelyNights]

Forgive me if I'm repeating other people here but my attention span right now is such that I can't bring myself to do more then skim the pervious posts....

communitcation in any form of relationship is important, whether it's a serious realtionship between two people that includes sex or just a sexual relationship between two people. It allows people to get what they both want, but can be almost impossible talk about.

For instance, I always had trouble bringing up sexual conversations with my past boyfriends, partially because of that awkward being a teenager thing and partially because I didn't know how to bring things up in a good way. I know someone else mentioned this in reference to oral sex, sometimes it's hard to bring things up without sounding dirty or sluty when you don't want to. Like trying new sexual positions or new things in the bedroom like light bondage.

What I find funny though is that I have no problem whatsoever bringing up that kind of stuff to someone who's just a fuck buddy, probably because there's no worry of weirding someone out and permanently altering an important relationship.