Line by Line Challenge Commentary Thread

[EllenMore]

hmmmm, thanks for the expose of rolling around on ice white sheets and the smart sexy way you express you ideas in words, it's always fun exchanging writes with a writer of your calibre!

I suppose I could complain that:

Now is the time You think to leave me,
I am growing older
Your promises too
Are leaves of turning colors.

--Ono no Komachi

But I enjoyed the give and take, Australian.

Though I now need to get back to my real job.

 

[todski28]

I suppose I could complain that:

Now is the time You think to leave me,
I am growing older
Your promises too
Are leaves of turning colors.

--Ono no Komachi

But I enjoyed the give and take, Australian.

Though I now need to get back to my real job.

If you’re around for NAPO there’s an opening, something tells me I’m going to need some inspiration to get through it

Plus, I never said I was leaving, just that that would be my last one there

If the job gets too stressful this place has a way of relieving some tensions

I’ve no parting poems that fit

 

[Tzara]

Tzara, you absolutely smashed the emotion button with your last write, the expression of longing is poignant from the eyes of the N in your piece, the use of the bed as a backdrop metaphor for ice and tieing it to your ending of snow adds to your writes use of an old metaphor of blood turning to ice out of in this instance longing/unrequited love but is been used for jealousy/rage etc, you've managed a very in my opinion unique and clever take on it without even having to state it.

the contrast of wanting warmth in the middle is a deft touch, after stating the bed was like ice you've further cemented the "ice in your veins" metaphor and started to make it work in empathising with your Narrator

the use of Scandinavian art film, was also a sly nudge in a direction you wanted your reader to envisage the scene your "n" is watching as if it's not just some torrid sex scene but something crafted and designed to elicit not just a sexual response but an emotional pull as well. dialling back the sound portion in my head made the focus of the piece zoom right into the window and back to ice.

what I'm saying here I guess is I really enjoyed this write

it seems especially poignant when you juxtapose it with Calli's piece preceding it,

which I think is damn well written in a sexy longing sort of way, not the same unrequited love piece as Tzara;s more an elicitation of sexual desire and release.

March is definitely my Favourite month

Thank you, Tod. You make me sound as if I know what I'm doing. Which I do, of course.

I also think Calli's piece was really good, though the one of hers I really want to talk about is this one, which I will try and get my thoughts down about soon. I don't think we all appreciate how good a writer Calli is.

Anyway, thanks for the props (am I using that right? I feel so old at times about the shifts in language. )

 

[Lyricalli]

it seems especially poignant when you juxtapose it with Calli's piece preceding it,

which I think is damn well written in a sexy longing sort of way, not the same unrequited love piece as Tzara;s more an elicitation of sexual desire and release.

I also think Calli's piece was really good, though the one of hers I really want to talk about is this one, which I will try and get my thoughts down about soon. I don't think we all appreciate how good a writer Calli is.

Anyway, thanks for the props (am I using that right? I feel so old at times about the shifts in language. )

Well, this was unexpected. Thank you both for the comments on the piece I added to the 7-line frolicking.


Tzara, I'm quite interested to hear your thoughts on the other piece whenever you're able to share them. That one is such a departure from most of my other writing, and I'm not entirely sure what I think about it, yet.


And, yes, you used props correctly.

 

[todski28]

Thank you, Tod. You make me sound as if I know what I'm doing. Which I do, of course.

I also think Calli's piece was really good, though the one of hers I really want to talk about is this one, which I will try and get my thoughts down about soon. I don't think we all appreciate how good a writer Calli is.

Anyway, thanks for the props (am I using that right? I feel so old at times about the shifts in language. )

I was piercing together a write up on that one, was going to revive an old thread of mine I forgot about,

As to callies writing, I’ve been a fan since she started, and trust me she’s surprised the hell out of me ever since.

As to props that’s correct, you should try having a 14 year old daughter that’s into anime and the cutting edge of today’s teen culture, trust me it makes you notice how much has changed and how old you are!

 

[Angeline]

Just chiming in to say I'm a fan of Calli's poetry. She has a spare, direct style that gets to the heart of her content. It can be powerful as in the poem Tzara and Tods referenced.

 

[Lyricalli]

Part of me feel like I've won an award I didn't know I was nominated for. Part of me is wondering if there's someone else named Calli that I somehow missed and is looking for a dark corner to sneak off to

So, I'd like to thank the academy...

Seriously, I appreciate the appreciation more than I can say. If I hadn't wandered into the PF&D, I wouldn't even be writing poetry. I dabbled, here and there, but when I ended up here, I wasn't reading or writing poetry. Probably hadn't dabbled in it for nearly twenty years. Most of anything I've written that's worth a damn is in this forum.

Todd and Angie, the two of you were encouraging right from the start, so thank you so much for that.

I was piercing together a write up on that one, was going to revive an old thread of mine I forgot about

Well, when you're able, I'm pretty interested in what you have to say about it, too. Your not-so-trivial thoughts are always appreciated.

 

[Angeline]

Part of me feel like I've won an award I didn't know I was nominated for. Part of me is wondering if there's someone else named Calli that I somehow missed and is looking for a dark corner to sneak off to

So, I'd like to thank the academy...

Seriously, I appreciate the appreciation more than I can say. If I hadn't wandered into the PF&D, I wouldn't even be writing poetry. I dabbled, here and there, but when I ended up here, I wasn't reading or writing poetry. Probably hadn't dabbled in it for nearly twenty years. Most of anything I've written that's worth a damn is in this forum.

Todd and Angie, the two of you were encouraging right from the start, so thank you so much for that.





Well, when you're able, I'm pretty interested in what you have to say about it, too. Your not-so-trivial thoughts are always appreciated.

I think your experience mirrors many of ours here. I hadn't written for many years either and had my "poetry gene" reawakened as part of a long business trip in Iowa City (there's a lot of writers there). And then I found Lit and, eventually, this forum. Finding others who love playing with words as much as I do was like slaking my thirst. I didn't really have access to that offline. Most of my growth as a writer over ahem many years is due to this forum and all of you. Activity waxes and wanes here but overall there's a little magic in this space. I'm a believer.

And for the record you are the Calli I meant!

 

[Tzara]

Tzara, I'm quite interested to hear your thoughts on the other piece whenever you're able to share them. That one is such a departure from most of my other writing, and I'm not entirely sure what I think about it, yet.

That is probably one of the things I like about it. Or, at least, my interpretation of it—its ambiguity.

Some of the best writing is, in some way, unconscious. You, as author, almost channel something from, I don't know—the Id? Your Secret Desires? Your Darkest Fears? These are all, of course among my (possible) interpretations, not necessarily what you were writing about. Poetry is a funky thing—At it's best, truth appears as if by accident, almost as though through a slip of one's tongue.

 

[Tzara]

As to props that’s correct, you should try having a 14 year old daughter that’s into anime and the cutting edge of today’s teen culture, trust me it makes you notice how much has changed and how old you are!

Well, my wife and I do not have children, which I acknowledge has kept me insulated from current slang.

I do know from friends youngsters can be brats, but you might want to keep notes on how they speak. That's our language, evolving as we (or they) speak.

 

[Tzara]

Just chiming in to say I'm a fan of Calli's poetry. She has a spare, direct style that gets to the heart of her content. It can be powerful as in the poem Tzara and Tods referenced.

Let me acknowledge that my original comment probably used the royal we; it would have been more accurate to say that I had not appreciated her poems (meaning I hadn't commented on them as much as they deserved).

 

[Lyricalli]

Activity waxes and wanes here but overall there's a little magic in this space. I'm a believer.

And for the record you are the Calli I meant!

There is something special here. A lot of that comes from all the years that preceded my arrival, but it's part of what pulled me in, and it's why I still keep coming around. Every now and then, I'll spend some time reading older threads, reading the beginnings of some of the long-running ones, and there's a hell of a legacy here.

 

[Lyricalli]

That is probably one of the things I like about it. Or, at least, my interpretation of it—its ambiguity.

Some of the best writing is, in some way, unconscious. You, as author, almost channel something from, I don't know—the Id? Your Secret Desires? Your Darkest Fears? These are all, of course among my (possible) interpretations, not necessarily what you were writing about. Poetry is a funky thing—At it's best, truth appears as if by accident, almost as though through a slip of one's tongue.

Channeling is as good term for it. I feel like anything more I want to say about it might be too much and color interpretation, but I have to say I understand some of this better now than I did before.

 

[Angeline]

There is something special here. A lot of that comes from all the years that preceded my arrival, but it's part of what pulled me in, and it's why I still keep coming around. Every now and then, I'll spend some time reading older threads, reading the beginnings of some of the long-running ones, and there's a hell of a legacy here.

There is and I'm so glad people can still get in touch with it via those old threads. We should revive some of those old challenges. The same title challenge, for example, was such fun. It was fascinating to see the divergent directions different poets took, learning from one another all the while. Well maybe we can think about it um after April!

 

[Lyricalli]

There is and I'm so glad people can still get in touch with it via those old threads. We should revive some of those old challenges. The same title challenge, for example, was such fun. It was fascinating to see the divergent directions different poets took, learning from one another all the while. Well maybe we can think about it um after April!

Sounds like a plan

 

[Levitating_Bed]

This thread has jumped all over the place and instead of having a half dozen quote windows...

I've said it before, but it's something I believe: I've read poems here, in these threads, that are as good as any poems I've ever read. Some folks here are among my favorite poets, period.

I'm also a fan of Calli's poetry. I like the poems she's written and I'm looking forward to the poems she's going to write. She's been so encouraging to me and it is good to see her get this kind of encouragement from so many of you. The poem of hers that Tzara mentions from the Darker thread is a perfect poison pill. It almost makes me laugh to think of the way that one would take all of the air out of the room at a reading. There are good poems in that thread, but that one is a bear trap - and even if you get your leg out of it, there will be scars.

I also need to say how much I liked Ellenmore and Todski rubbing up against each other with words. Sexy and smart and ache: it was definitely the best porn I looked at last week I'm glad I could egg it on.

 

[Lyricalli]

I'm also a fan of Calli's poetry. I like the poems she's written and I'm looking forward to the poems she's going to write.

Thank you.

There are good poems in that thread, but that one is a bear trap - and even if you get your leg out of it, there will be scars.

I kind of want to apologize now

 

[butters]

i'm truly enjoying dipping into these line-by-line threads, so thanks, Piscator... those in the April thread have been especially satisfying to read. Tzara's were above and beyond!

 

[todski28]

i'm truly enjoying dipping into these line-by-line threads, so thanks, Piscator... those in the April thread have been especially satisfying to read. Tzara's were above and beyond!

This ^

Also Harry’s piece in that thread

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=93630375&postcount=6

I enjoyed, rich language

The connotation of pull “pulling out weeds” and the role weather plays in ensuring things grow just right, it’s not easy work farming, but rewarding.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Just roamed around The Poets Garret, and it looks like ten-line poetry is the most current challenge, so we need another reference for the upcoming months. Really enjoyed the many visits in the Rhymers Attic over the previous months.

 

[Angeline]

Here's a great webpage about the very versatile Sonnetina Cinque, a ten-line form. It's basically a mini sonnet, where you have two quintains (five-line sections). The first presents a problem (or question or issue) that is resolved in the second. Because this form is not dependent on a particular rhyme scheme or meter, you can use any five-line form you want. So you can do blank verse, free verse, limericks, etc. Just double it so you have two quintains and follow the problem/resolution theme. Boom: Sonnetina Cinque!

My inner poetry nerd just felt the earth move.

 

[Piscator]

My girls are treasures
whose value is measured
in joy and gratitude.

My youngest was planned
so hopefully, an answered prayer,
my assertive, creative Chavala.

Her sister came to me fully grown,
saying I am your daughter. Will you
still love me? Oh darling Asherah,

brave and kind, love is a circle.

May the Circle be Unbroken- worth waiting for to skip the ad

 

[Angeline]

May the Circle be Unbroken- worth waiting for to skip the ad

That was wonderful. Thank you!

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Thighs five

Yummy makes the mind drool for different reasons...

Chain Lightening*

The Home Office turned into a much more inspired place...

Keep choking down the impulse

...and this gets one back to the floor, heartbreaking for various reasons.

 

[Angeline]

Yummy makes the mind drool for different reasons...



The Home Office turned into a much more inspired place...



...and this gets one back to the floor, heartbreaking for various reasons.

Thanks Snow! The ten-line challenge seems to be inspiring us all. Your poem is very evocative and I love "Satyrday."