Line by Line Challenge Commentary Thread

[Tzara]

. . . with Italian boys
in open-necked shirts, shaking tambourines,
moving graceful as cats that own the streets.

Yeah. The rest of the poem is also excellent, but these lines are, like, superb.

Poetry is about imagery, and those three lines are as evocatively visual (and aural) as I can recall having read. By anyone.

You should, my dear Angie, try to assemble a chapbook, at least.

 

[Angeline]

Good Lovin

Nice poem, Tzara. It certainly conveys that early high school desire, not really understood intellectually but driven by that rock and roll beat. The Young Rascals were not among my favorites back then, but they had some good songs (like the two we posted) and Felix Cavilieri was very talented.

I've been loving the music from the New York Rock and Soul Review. What a lineup!

 

[Angeline]

Yeah. The rest of the poem is also excellent, but these lines are, like, superb.

Poetry is about imagery, and those three lines are as evocatively visual (and aural) as I can recall having read. By anyone.

You should, my dear Angie, try to assemble a chapbook, at least.

Thank you.

Maybe I can put something together with these music poems I'm wanting to write of late. Um I'll no doubt lean on you for feedback.

 

[todski28]

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=93867507&postcount=21

The fact that I don’t have to pay to read something like this is almost criminal,

You’ve been on a tare lately Angeline

 

[Piscator]

Thanks Snow! The ten-line challenge seems to be inspiring us all. Your poem is very evocative and I love "Satyrday."

Ditto or should that be Dizko?

 

[Angeline]

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=93867507&postcount=21

The fact that I don’t have to pay to read something like this is almost criminal,

You’ve been on a tare lately Angeline

You know I was just today thinking I should drop you a line and say hi and you must be busy. It's good to see you and I hope you can carve out some time to write.

And thank you. I think that thread is just a great motivator. Snow has a wonderful poem today that is so clever and reminiscent (to me) of Jabberwocky. And Piscator's poem is also so clever; a feast of neuroses lol!

The urge to write can be such a mystery to me. I can force myself to write every day and I'll write some serviceable stuff and even improve my game over time. And then other times I feel like the tap to my subconscious mind is stuck in the *on* position and the poems pour out. I just hold on for the ride. Does this happen to anyone else?

 

[Angeline]

Butters, your latest ten-line poem is excellent. And "purple thistle" is a brilliant metaphor!

 

[29wordsforsnow]

You know I was just today thinking I should drop you a line and say hi and you must be busy. It's good to see you and I hope you can carve out some time to write.

And thank you. I think that thread is just a great motivator. Snow has a wonderful poem today that is so clever and reminiscent (to me) of Jabberwocky. And Piscator's poem is also so clever; a feast of neuroses lol!

The urge to write can be such a mystery to me. I can force myself to write every day and I'll write some serviceable stuff and even improve my game over time. And then other times I feel like the tap to my subconscious mind is stuck in the *on* position and the poems pour out. I just hold on for the ride. Does this happen to anyone else?

I'll try to keep the Jabberwackies a species of limited number and a certain Yes to The Tap Theory. There are days it's hard to replace the buckets in time to catch the waterfall - like right now: The Jabberwocky Birth Control - while some thirsty ideas have been waiting for a new drop for weeks, maybe some of these developed their own little phobia? Maybe Piscator can look up the term for poems that are afraid to be written?

 

[butters]

Butters, your latest ten-line poem is excellent. And "purple thistle" is a brilliant metaphor!

aw, thankyou, Angelina dreamer... i think, though that maybe i needed somethingbetter to describe (metaphorically) my horribly sticky skin in all this humidity. maybe the boggy low ground

not in here nearly often enough and enjoying alllll the delicious poetry being created by you guys. it's always a pleasure to read here.

 

[Lyricalli]

...and this gets one back to the floor, heartbreaking for various reasons.

Thank you seems an odd response to this, so I'll just say that I appreciate your notice and that it touched you.


Haven't been around much lately, and again, I have a lot to catch up on, which isn't a bad problem to have.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Thank you seems an odd response to this, so I'll just say that I appreciate your notice and that it touched you.

Guess, my poor English has, again, reached it's tight bounds, sorry.

 

[Lyricalli]

Guess, my poor English has, again, reached it's tight bounds, sorry.

No no no... Your English is fine! I just felt odd saying thank you for being heartbreaking. Nothing at all to apologize for. You comment is very much appreciated.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

No no no... Your English is fine! I just felt odd saying thank you for being heartbreaking. Nothing at all to apologize for. You comment is very much appreciated.

Heartbreaking from the view of someone being told about the pain, anger, frustation where there was the wish for trust, affection and feeling of belonging together... don't know how to describe this in a better way.

 

[Lyricalli]

Heartbreaking from the view of someone being told about the pain, anger, frustation where there was the wish for trust, affection and feeling of belonging together... don't know how to describe this in a better way.

No need to. I understand.

 

[Piscator]

The Fever

There's something in that sound,
the way the Hammond B-3 swirls
around that raucous sax and licks

into my secret spots where music
makes me swell and ache recalling
backseats, moonlit blacktops, racing

down Route 9, radio playing. Kisses
and stifled moans, caresses, the sighs
of my desolate angel manchild

moving on me in the July heat.

Thank the Lord for AC

 

[Piscator]

all tens

butters is blazing, promised storm is yet to loose is electric,

ellen more's straight to the point Fellatio firms a subject which is often flaccid in verse and prose.

29wordsfor snow's quondam easily tops the other Tritania in the thread

 

[Piscator]

Bump

The lines keep flowing. Tzara's erotic verse treading the fine line between a Vargas illustration and summertime angst;Harry chilling on a hot afternoon, Angie playing footsie and more; and29wordsfor snow exporing other positions and depths.

 

[Angeline]

The lines keep flowing. Tzara's erotic verse treading the fine line between a Vargas illustration and summertime angst;Harry chilling on a hot afternoon, Angie playing footsie and more; and29wordsfor snow exporing other positions and depths.

Your butterfly shape poem with its gorgeous illustration is excellent, a fascinating combo of mea culpa and declaration of self. The rhyme carries the tone (slightly creepy) really well.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Your butterfly shape poem with its gorgeous illustration is excellent, a fascinating combo of mea culpa and declaration of self. The rhyme carries the tone (slightly creepy) really well.

I agree, the illustration is a wonderful choice. Now I'm wondering if a vertical butterfly was possible by means of the forum too.

 

[Angeline]

So Tzara, do you think Ratso and Lily hang out in the same parking lot? I love when our muses inspire one another; it's like Pres and Lady Day.

Also I'm picturing Lily Von Schtupp as the antagonist of your poem. Maybe Ratso and Lily are a team of con artists, n'er do wells working a scam together. Oh the back story could be delicious.

One of my Lit alts is Lily Von Schtupp, but darnit I can't remember the password.

 

[Tzara]

So Tzara, do you think Ratso and Lily hang out in the same parking lot? I love when our muses inspire one another; it's like Pres and Lady Day.

Also I'm picturing Lily Von Schtupp as the antagonist of your poem. Maybe Ratso and Lily are a team of con artists, n'er do wells working a scam together. Oh the back story could be delicious.

One of my Lit alts is Lily Von Schtupp, but darnit I can't remember the password.

Well, my Lily was definitely in Austin, Texas, and Ratso seems to me very New Yawk (or, at least, Jersey), but they're probably in the same fictional space, for sure.

You and I are more or less the same age, so we have the same cultural markers, I think, though you're female and east coast and I'm male and west coast.

Re Lily Von Schtupp: It is totally on you that my mental image now is of you wearing a black corset, garters, and stockings, asking "Is that a ten gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?" while imitating Marlene Dietrich, barely passably at best.




I do miss Madeline Kahn. (sigh)

 

[Angeline]

Well, my Lily was definitely in Austin, Texas, and Ratso seems to me very New Yawk (or, at least, Jersey), but they're probably in the same fictional space, for sure.

You and I are more or less the same age, so we have the same cultural markers, I think, though you're female and east coast and I'm male and west coast.

Re Lily Von Schtupp: It is totally on you that my mental image now is of you wearing a black corset, garters, and stockings, asking "Is that a ten gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?" while imitating Marlene Dietrich, barely passably at best.




I do miss Madeline Kahn. (sigh)

Well ok though that image is so not me! I do love that name though. And the character. "They're always coming and going and going and coming and always too soon." Lol.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

So sad, it looks like The Poet's Garret has gone off-line a weeks ago

 

[Piscator]

So sad, it looks like The Poet's Garret has gone off-line a weeks ago

Damn gone under down under.
It will be missed.

 

[Angeline]

So sad, it looks like The Poet's Garret has gone off-line a weeks ago

Damn gone under down under.
It will be missed.

Damn indeed. That was a cool site: esoteric and I probably wouldn't attempt most of the forms there, but it was a great resource for one's poetry tool kit.

I just spent the last half hour searching the web for an analog (one that lists forms by number of lines) to no avail. Maybe someone else will get lucky and find a similar site to share here.