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Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.
 
A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family."

The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
 
Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
 
What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?

A hooker says "Faster! faster!"

A lover says "Slower......slooower..."

A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
 
A guy comes into a bar upset.....

Bartender asks him whats wrong, he tells the bartender "I've been doing this housewife for months now but I really want to break up with her but don't know how, she doesn't take bad news well. She's in the car now waiting."
Bartender says, "Well its dark out there and our voices sound similar, I could go out there and do it for you." The man thanks him in gratitude.

The bartender goes out to the car and stands by her window and begins to break up with her. The woman starts screaming hysterically and sobbing. A policeman overhears this and comes by with a flashlight, "What is going on here??! Are you hurting this woman?"

The bartender answers, "No sir, this is just my wife we're having an argument."
The police man says "Oh okay sorry, I didn't realize."
The bartender replies, "Neither did I until you switched that damm light on."
 
A housewife is living in the inner-city during a crime wave and is concerned for her safety. She phones her husband, a travelling salesman, and lets her know that she's so scared she wants to purchase a guard dog. The husband agrees that it would be a great idea and she makes plans to go to the pet shop the next day.

She arrives at the shop. "Do you have any guard dogs?"

"Lady, this is the biggest crime wave we've ever had. Everyone for miles is sold out of guard dogs. I do have something you should see, though." The guy comes in close and whispers "I have a monkey that does karate." He brings the monkey out of a cage.

The woman is skeptical. "No, really, let me show you. Here, monkey, karate my board." CHOP! The monkey cracks the board in half.

"Wow, that is something!" she exclaims.

"That's nothin', check this out! Hey monkey, karate my brick!" With a loud CHOP, the monkey smashes through the brick as if it was made of a potato chip.

"That is amazing! I'll take him!" She takes the monkey home, convinced that her concerns of safety are solved.

The travelling salesman comes home that night. Not seeing any evidence of a dog, he asks the wife what happened. The wife says "The guy at the pet shop said everyone was sold out of guard dogs but he sold me a monkey that does karate!"

"Karate? Karate my balls!"

CHOP
 
My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
 
A man put my wife's old clothes in a charity bag outside the house this morning and got a knock on the door an hour later.

"We can't take these sir," he said.

"Why what's wrong with them?" the husband asked.

"Your wife's still wearing them."
 
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