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Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said, “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick…“
 
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "?Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
 
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.

As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!"

"At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven."

The girls agree, and start climbing.

On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears.

On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears.

On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh.

Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing."

To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
 
A travelling man stops at a pub in regional Australia for lunch and a beer.

He walks in and spots a poster that says "Make my horse laugh and cry and get $1000!".

The man goes up the bartender to ask what this is about.

Bartender: "We have a horse in the stable behind the bar, and if you can make it laugh and cry then you'll get $1000. We've had so many people try but none have succeeded"

Man: "I know just what to do"

He heads to the stable towards the horse as the bartender and other patrons watch on. Through the stable window where they can only see the horse as the man is obscured, they see the horse begin to shriek with laughter, and seconds later it starts bawling its eyes out.

The man confidently walks out of the stable to the stunned silence of the small crowd.

Bartender: "Good golly you did it! How did you make it laugh?"

The man smiles as he explains his method.

Man: "I told him that I had a larger penis then he did"

Bartender: "And how did you make it cry?"

Man: "I showed it to him"
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
 
John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take a note to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
 
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman.
"I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
 
A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why must you two argue? It's just a glass with liquid in it." This person is a realist.

While the three of them bicker, the forth person grabs the glass and downs the liquid. With a wipe of their sleeve, they exclaim, "I got thirsty listening to you guys, so I drank the liquid in the cup!" This person is an opportunist.

The person in the lab coat lets out an audible gag, before running to a nearby toilet and losing his lunch.

This person is a Urologist.
 
A man goes to the hardware store and tells the clerk he needs to cut down some trees.

The clerk sells him a chain saw. About three hours later the man returns, covered in sweat.

He tells the clerk, "This didn't work at all. It took me two hours to cut down one medium size tree"

The clerk takes the saw and says ,"Let's see what is wrong with it", then starts up the saw.

Suddenly the man screams, "What the fuck is that noise!"
 
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy no the right wakes up and says, ‟I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he is had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, ‟That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
 
Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night andthe doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down......I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern......It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you tink it's the light that's attractin'em?
 
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