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The toughest biker in town and his best friend ride home to find his wife and another man having sex in the middle of the floor...

The biker pauses, a look of pure fury on his face. He steps right over his wife and the man fucking her, and goes straight to the kitchen.

His friend follows, expecting the big biker to come out with a knife. Instead the biker grabs a beer and chugs it. With a scowl he turns to his friend and tosses him a beer, and then chugs another before opening his third.

His friend cracks open the beer, looks at the big biker, and says, “What about the guy fucking your wife?”

“Fuck him,” says the biker. “He can get his own god damned beer.”
 
A pregnant, middle-aged woman enters a phone store.

She walks to the counter, and the cashier with a smile says, "Hi! How can we help you today?"

"My phones pregnancy app has been acting up recently, and I was wondering if you could fix it."

"We'll take a look at the phone, and see what the problem is," He replies. He takes the phone into the back of the store. Two minutes later, he comes out the back, looking surprised.

"What's the issue?" The lady asks.

"Not only is your pregnancy app not working, but your phone isn't working! It appears to be something to do with water damage, and doesn't have a good chance of being recovered," the cashier says. The lady looks surprised as well. "Not to worry, we'll have that phone replaced in no time, and those pregnancy apps don't do anything anyway."

"Really? Because I've been peeing on my phone for several weeks now!"
 
A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the middle of an Indian burial ground.

As things were getting hot and heavy, the ground begins to rumble, and, soon enough, a demon rises from the ground. The young couple cowers frozen in fear on the ground. The demon proclaimed that they were fornicating on sacred ground and their souls are now forfeit. They beg for their lives. The demon was in a good mood so he says he will let them go on one condition. The couple says they’ll do anything. The demon says he will give them an impossible challenge. He says if the man can ejaculate any 8 letter word onto a rock and his girlfriend can guess it correctly with absolutely no communication, they can go free.

The man tells the demon his intended word. He then begins trying to jack off, but the demon emerging from the ground and threatening to take your soul is a bit of a turn off. He’s so scared that he struggles to even get hard. However, their lives depend on it. So after a couple minutes, he jizzes a measly little puddle, completely unreadable. The demon laughs and says your souls are now mine. The girlfriend tells him to wait and to let her guess anyways. He concedes but continues on chuckling. The girlfriend guesses correctly, leaving the demon completely flabbergasted. He incredulously asks her how she guessed right. She responds, “A boy scout always comes *prepared*.”
 
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old college friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."


A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.

"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."

"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.

"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."


This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"


James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."
 
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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, just dumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasnt staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."
The woman giggled and responded "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused for a moment, then told her "Vell.... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in Da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it”. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had; she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes. Well. I've always heard 'Two heads are better than one' so I wished I had two heads, so yeah, wish granted and this happened. I call him Thomas. Say 'hello' Thomas."


"Hello." the right side head said , his face and voice identical to John's.


"John," the wife says furiously, "please tell me your next wish was to be a millionaire."


"Well, uh, no, actually," Thomas stutters, "I wasn't sure what to do with the next wish, so I asked Thomas and he said...... What did you say Thomas?"


"Well, John, I said, if having two heads is better than one , then having two cocks should be way better than having just one."


"Right," Thomas said, "so for my second wish, I told the genie I wanted to have two cocks, and poof! I, I mean we, now have two cocks." With that John dropped his pants and proudly showed off his two identical members side by side.


John's wife's face was burning with fury now. "What am I supposed to do with that? We could have been rich! We could have had anything!"


"Don't worry, Diedre!" John said, "Thomas and I got it all figured out! For my my third wish....."


"Let me guess," Diedre said interrupting John Thomas. "You wish I had two pussies," she said holding up the pair of cats. "They arrived at the front door five minutes before you did and haven't left my side since."
 
A girl was crazy about 69 position but she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts.

So she tell him to strip naked on the bed and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She start sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same. But the boyfriend didn't know what to do, so he just lays there. Suddenly the girl had a urge to fart, but hold it in because her asshole was right near her boyfriend's face.

Unfortunately she loses control, and let's one out. She apologizes profusely and continue sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and let another fart rip near his face.

The boyfriend throws the girl from the bed, gets up and says:
"Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."
 
https://markbondffl.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/nppolicemotorcycle.jpg





A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for going through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an AssHole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number
of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and Hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for AssHole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!
 
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