man's point of view

[swtrthnhoney]

I like this guy and we have been talking as friends (in person) off and on for a long time (over a year). He has a girlfriend and I am separated (when I separated I hinted to him that I liked him and he said "I didn't know" , "I have been dating this girl for about 2 months", etc. anyway...)
So he and his gal had an upset to their relationship. He made a statement about spilling persoanl thoughts on FB so I asked him what it was about. We wound up chatting for 2.75 hours. Mostly about his relationship and I tried to be non-partial and offer my advice in a non-partial manner (believe me, this was hard). We have chatted and texted 2-3 times a week since (2 weeks now) for about 2.5 - 3 hours each time. Not sure exactly what their status is.
So...my question is...
I really like this guy. I don't want to mess this up and I don't want to be the "other girl" or the "in-between girl". Nothing sexual has occurred - though we have both hinted about heating up. (which happened yesterday)
I don't want to mess this up and yet, I don't know if there is anything there to mess up. I want to be pursued, not be the pursuer.
The last 2-3 times we have texted, I have not been the initiator - he has been (which I took as a good sign).
Having not dated in over 20 years, this is all new to me and I am so unsure.
Any advise or hints about the male communication process and dating are greatly appreciated. Thanks!

 

[berg177]

For my own sanity I need to end relationships on their own merits (or lack thereof), mourn a little, reflect, and then move on. When I have ended a relationship to pursue a new relationship my emotions have been so muddled that the new relationship suffered. Maybe I'm just a really bad multi-tasker but I think you need to prepare yourself for a wait while things run their course with the current girlfriend. That doesn't mean you can't continue to develop you relationship with this guy but I would avoid the kind of "helpful" advice that you may hope will steer him towards you quicker.

 

[SweetErika]

He knows you like him and are available. Be casually friendly (a good guideline could be sticking to stuff his girlfriend wouldn't be upset about if she read/overheard it) , and let him come to you for romance if he's completely available (meaning not with anyone else or on the rebound) and chooses to do so. Don't give him advice on his current relationship; he's a big boy and can--and should--figure that out on him own and with his girlfriend.

Keep in mind that if he's willing to pursue you while he's supposed to be in a monogamous relationship, he'd probably be willing to pursue others if he's ever in a a relationship with you.

Other than that, I'd suggest putting yourself out there and dating people who are actually available if you're ready to do so.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Thanks - Hard to keep my head on straight about this sometimes. I am in no hurry to be in a relationship. I would rather have a good friendship (truly).

I agree that he needs to decide what he wants and that he will probably need time.

I also agree that if he is doing this with her then he will probably do it with the next relationship. I don't need to be that person (in either context).

Trying to be true to me - sometimes me wants gets in the way of me thinks.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

It feels crazy stupid for someone my age to feel like I'm in high school again over this dating stuff.

Some days I want to say stuff it and just forget all about it and resolve myself to staying/being single.

 

[cf23430]

It feels crazy stupid for someone my age to feel like I'm in high school again over this dating stuff.

Some days I want to say stuff it and just forget all about it and resolve myself to staying/being single.

I totally feel you on this.....in the same boat all the damn time too....

 

[berg177]

It feels crazy stupid for someone my age to feel like I'm in high school again over this dating stuff.

Some days I want to say stuff it and just forget all about it and resolve myself to staying/being single.

The paranoia is a pain but I still get a kick out of the butterflies in the tummy stuff.

 

[roomfor1more]

My feeling, a part of the attraction that the both of you share, is due to the fact you enjoy he has enough confidence to confide in you and he enjoys the fact that he has someone to talk to this about without being judged. Essentially this means what is bringing the two of you together is a crisis in his life and I feel, in order for the relationship to maintain itself most likely he would need to find another crisis situation. Without him having another crisis situation it would not, I feel, maintain your relationship and it means his being in a relationship with another woman is helping to fuel his attraction for you. Last point regarding him, I feel he could be seeing you as someone worth dating should his current relationship fails.

Moving on, given that you have not dated for 20 years, I feel, this situation is giving you a chance to ease yourself back into dating, it is a safe situation for you because he is not available, and it confirms to you that you are desirable. The downside to this situation is a boy meets girl and find they have enough in common to date. Instead it is an artificial situation brought about by a crisis in his life and confusing emotions from the situation for true feelings.

Since you do not want to be involved with him while he dating someone else and you do not want to be an in-between girlfriend then considering a friend with benefits situation is not an option. Instead, I would take a step back and keep being friends with him. Should the relationship fail then I would give him time to get over the relationship and once he has adequate time then begin investigating if a relationship is possible. However should he be able to work through this crisis and the relationship with his current girlfriend continue then I feel it is best to distance yourself form him.

You maybe wondering why do I suggest this? As a guy, sometimes it helps getting a female perspective to understand, especially if his girlfriend lets emotions rule her when making decisions instead of logic. Also my feeling, guys do not like to end relationships especially if they have an investment in the relationship and if the relationship ends it takes a bit longer for guys to get over it. Therefore, if I were to summarize my advice it would be a friend without investing a lot of emotional energy since it is an investment that will most likely not pay off for you.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Thanks roomfor1more for your truthfulness. I believe you are right about the situation on so many levels. I don't want to face the facts of it. Wary of trying this relationship thing and very afraid of rejection and hurt.

We do have a lot of in common (other than his fractured relationship) which makes it worse. We've had this "chatting in person thing" for a long time (year and a half - way before he met her, but I was presumably happily married to the outside world) and I've always enjoyed it. The more we talk about things, the more commonalities I hear.

The biggest thing making me want to run quickly away from this is that he is still attached and talking to me with very open-ended comments. I am concerned that I will say or do something that I will regret that will push the situation in the wrong direction.

I love to flirt and can be a tease if I like you so this is not a good combination for me. Fuel for the fire. Guess I need to distance myself from all of it as much as possible. Attempt to maintain a line of communication on a friend basis ONLY (I don't "do" FWB - my heart doesn't know what that is and my body aches for the sensuality). My 20-yr relationship was less than a "sexless marriage" based on Wiekepedia's definition (per another lit post) so the attention is greatly appreciated and desired.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Not trying to bump this post...but I don't get it.

He is with his gf all weekend and Sunday evening he texts me again. I was going to not answer his text but I did. We wound up chatting from 8:00 until around midnight.

I let him know before I said goodbye that I almost didn't answer his text.
I enjoy "talking" to him very much. We seem to have a lot in common (as I mentioned). BUT...

I decided that I do not want to continue this in this manner. I am making plans to not be so available and see what happens. If for no other purpose than to preserve my sanity.

 

[Lust Engine]

I decided that I do not want to continue this in this manner. I am making plans to not be so available and see what happens. If for no other purpose than to preserve my sanity.

I see this as a smart move on your part. Regardless of what his intentions are, you need to take care of yourself numero uno.

Not to mention, he's getting to have his cake and eat it too with the both of you ladies. He gets the physical aspect of a committed relationship with his GF and he's got the emotional aspect with you. In so many ways he's double dipping- but again, that's his situation. You can't control that aspect of it other than your own participation.

Your own sanity is worthy of something too, y'know.

 

[subwannabe]

Geeeeeeeeeez I'm getting old. I believe in using Alexander Graham Bell technology.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Not sure how else to put this so it's long-winded.
Failing miserably at "not being available" - At work, emails most of yesterady and today, back and forth between us about what music we are listening to, etc.

Then today after work he texts me, we start texting back and forth. He tells me that he has to pick up his son soon, so I respond saying I have to walk my dog soon. I told him I was taking her to a specific park. He texts back as I am driving to the park saying he is on such-and-such street at the park. ... end result, he didn't stop, had to pickup his son, said if he had known earlier he would have stopped, I said another time perhaps, and he said another time.
Then it dawned on me he is texting while driving which he said he didn't like other people to do. So I asked him if he was texting while driving, and he said yes so I called him on the phone. Anyway, we talked a bit but he says I got to go I am sitting in the driveway to pickup my son. I said okay, bye, he says I'll talk to you later.

CONFUSED! I feel like an idiot for chatting away about something when I thought we were conversing. I feel like an idiot for wanting to talk to him but not wanting to be available.

Is it this stupid crazy for everyone else or is it just me?

So, do I say something, or just disappear (geez, that is going to be hard for me, quite frankly men are not just lining up at my doorstep - on the dating website, sort of, but I don't really pursue them there, and it is obvious to me I want or need some male conversation).

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Oh great, just read a post on another page (HT, I think) by a younger person. It seems this situation transcends age brackets.
Almost makes me feel very foolish.