Married and unfulfilled

[olivefun]

I am a single woman that gets approached a lot by married men that say they live in sexless marriages.

Many times they say they have separate bedrooms, they are together for financial reasons. It would be too hard to break up for the family. The guy would have to spend a fortune on paying for 2 households, so this is just paying for one.. whatever.

I cannot imagine living that kind of life.

Why are there so many people in that situation?

If it was an uncommon thing, it would be one thing....

When a man approaches me online or in person and is flirting, I want to say, "you're attractive, what is your wife's name?"

I was just hit on by a really lovely guy at a party. Told me he is single. Gave me a biz card with the website of the restaurant he owns about 45 minutes drive away.

We went out after the party with a couple of my friends and had a great time at a bar.

He asks if he could see me again.
He tells me how much he enjoys my company, finds me impossibly sexy.
fantastic.

Later that night, when I got home, after a long kiss, or a couple... I look on the website and it is all pictures of him and the wife together.

The next day, I call the restaurant and ask if they are looking for help.
The woman answering the phone told me that the restaurant is owned by a couple and neither of them was present, but i should just drop in with a resume.

Yyyyeah.

Why does this happen so much?

 

[wickedlady31]

...

Because people lack honesty. It is easier to have a fling...a meaningless fling rather than strap on yet another relationship. Men grow bored with their married lives and miss being single..miss the variety of ladies they could have. Their spouces may not put out any more...due to having children, careers. Sex is not as thrilling for them..or their spouces are not willing to try new things..all of these..are things told to me by men...looking outside of their relationships for that fire.....

 

[WantonWitch]

And to be brutally honest, it's not just men either.

Marriage requires hard work to keep the sparkle in it, many people just think, that's it... married now, life is sorted.

Doesn't work like that.

Both partners have to make the effort and sometimes it's just easier to have that brief exciting fling than it is to sit down and talk about what's missing.

 

[boutrosboutros]

And to be brutally honest, it's not just men either.

Marriage requires hard work to keep the sparkle in it, many people just think, that's it... married now, life is sorted.

Doesn't work like that.

Both partners have to make the effort and sometimes it's just easier to have that brief exciting fling than it is to sit down and talk about what's missing.

It really isn't just men.

When I was younger and very irresponsible and silly I had flings with three married women. You're absolutely right: it was just easier for them to stay married and keep their head in the sand about the problems associated with it, while playing around with me once a week. Not that I was complaining at the time, but I still recognised it was a pretty cowardly and shallow thing for them to do.

Not that I blame people like that too much. I know how hard it is not to let yourself be tempted when you're in a long-term relationship.

 

[koalabear]

I am a single woman that gets approached a lot by married men that say they live in sexless marriages.

Many times they say they have separate bedrooms, they are together for financial reasons. It would be too hard to break up for the family. The guy would have to spend a fortune on paying for 2 households, so this is just paying for one.. whatever.

I cannot imagine living that kind of life.

Why are there so many people in that situation?

If it was an uncommon thing, it would be one thing....

When a man approaches me online or in person and is flirting, I want to say, "you're attractive, what is your wife's name?"

I was just hit on by a really lovely guy at a party. Told me he is single. Gave me a biz card with the website of the restaurant he owns about 45 minutes drive away.

We went out after the party with a couple of my friends and had a great time at a bar.

He asks if he could see me again.
He tells me how much he enjoys my company, finds me impossibly sexy.
fantastic.

Later that night, when I got home, after a long kiss, or a couple... I look on the website and it is all pictures of him and the wife together.

The next day, I call the restaurant and ask if they are looking for help.
The woman answering the phone told me that the restaurant is owned by a couple and neither of them was present, but i should just drop in with a resume.

Yyyyeah.

Why does this happen so much?

married men are dogs...lol and so are married women......I am single....if I want a date I slip on my old wedding ring......works everytime. go figure...

 

[olivefun]

I don't mean to sound dumb or anything, but really if they don't like the relationship, why don't they cut and run?

Of course, after all other methods of fixing the relationship are exhausted.
.
I am not asking why people cheat. There are lots of reasons.
That is not the issue I am being curious about.

Why do people live in a sexless marriage that is not working for either person?

 

[johnjones1]

I don't mean to sound dumb or anything, but really if they don't like the relationship, why don't they cut and run?

Of course, after all other methods of fixing the relationship are exhausted.
.
I am not asking why people cheat. There are lots of reasons.
That is not the issue I am being curious about.

Why do people live in a sexless marriage that is not working for either person?

Because sometimes the marriage DOES work for a thousand other reasons, but the romance/passion/sex is almost non-existent or gone. People can live together for years and be "comfortable", but the spark is gone, or was never really there to begin with. Or one spouse likes sex alot and the other doesn't want it.

Marriages can stay together because of financial reasons. Or one spouse is ill and the other can't bear to leave them. There are so many reasons.

A person can want to stay in a marriage for all those other reasons... and yet is not willing to live their life without the romance, the lust, the passion, the sexuality, that the other spouse cannot or will not give.

It's not always the right thing to leave. And abstinence can only last for so long.

 

[timoren]

Hey folks,
I have to echo Johns thoughts, the "sexless marriage" happens, hell it happens when your not married. I consider myself to be fairly persistent when it comes to engaging in sexual acts so believe me when I say that she has simply lost interest. Now the reasons we are still together are that she is my best friend and cant imagine my day without her. We have all the same interest, both play music, in fact we're in a band together, we share a house and bills and could not maintain the same standard of living otherwise.

If she's happy with out sex so be it. If she is bored with me and feels that she needs to experiment somewhere else then so be it. I'm not trying to make excuses for the actions of myself or others, but to make the assumption that one is using this as an excuse to be unfaithful isn't always the case. In my case its a method of maintaining the relationship you do have.

With all that I've said I feel it important to let you know that I consider myself agnostic. I nor my significant other subscribe to the ideology of conventional marriage. I suppose if you vow to honor and be faithful and all that crap, you're probably doing much more of a disservice to the institution of marriage than I am.


Oh yeah, and a straight up liar, your "friend with the restaurant", thats a horse of a different color.

 

[olivefun]

Oh yeah, and a straight up liar, your "friend with the restaurant", thats a horse of a different color.

You're right, that is a horse of a different color.

I don't want to date a man if my actions would be hurtful to a woman at home. Hard to know the details of the situation when you just meet the man.

If the woman is cool with this, it is better, though the situation makes me uncomfortable. But what do I do? Ask for a note from the wife?

It is possible that there might be a man who's thinking that he gets "no sex" at home, because it is way less than what he needs/wants. What I think getting no sex with his wife is way different.

I am not particularily possessive, nor do I get jealous much in general, but with issues of sex, (not only because of STDs) I really need to know what I am dealing with.

 

[wickedlady31]

...

I don't mean to sound dumb or anything, but really if they don't like the relationship, why don't they cut and run?

Of course, after all other methods of fixing the relationship are exhausted.
.
I am not asking why people cheat. There are lots of reasons.
That is not the issue I am being curious about.

Why do people live in a sexless marriage that is not working for either person?

If both of the people are working full time...they may not have the energy or desire to have sex....
If they have children, again..no time or desire.
Other times..after several years of marriage, people become more like room-mates than lovers..and as they continue in that 'mind set' they grow farther and farther apart intimately...and are used to it.
I have talked to men and women regarding sex in their marriage...and many of the women..after bearing children, don't feel sexy anymore. Their libido's are not so much there.....they work and parent full time and have not one ounce of desire for sex...so the husband takes it personally and gets tired of rejection from his wife and eventually stops asking for sex or initiating it. The wife thinks he may not be attracted to her because he stopped asking for sex...but no one conveys this to one another...
The biggest issue is..lack of communication...no one is honest and open...
Other situations that I have discovered are husbands upset because the wife doesn't like to experiement with positions or even role play....husbands harbor fantasies they are afraid to share with their wives......Or..husbands simply don't have the time..are tired...over worked....
the question has no simple answer..it all depends on what the other factors are in the situation

 

[RonClarkeson]

Don't you recognize the most sucessful chat up line?

I am a single woman that gets approached a lot by married men that say they live in sexless marriages.

Many times they say they have separate bedrooms, they are together for financial reasons. It would be too hard to break up for the family. The guy would have to spend a fortune on paying for 2 households, so this is just paying for one.. whatever.

This is the oldest, the very oldest chat up line used by married men to get into an atractive womans pants. Do not believe a word!

 

[olivefun]

This is the oldest, the very oldest chat up line used by married men to get into an atractive womans pants. Do not believe a word!

Well, it has to be true some of the time, doesn't it?

 

[iwantmore]

Because sometimes the marriage DOES work for a thousand other reasons, but the romance/passion/sex is almost non-existent or gone. People can live together for years and be "comfortable", but the spark is gone, or was never really there to begin with. Or one spouse likes sex alot and the other doesn't want it.

*raises hand* And THIS would be me I am trying to make it better... I don't want to hurt him. I'm sure that is a reason alot of peopl have for staying as well. I don't know...

 

[koalabear]

Well, it has to be true some of the time, doesn't it?

Sure he uses the same line on his wife........and all other ladies he fucks.

 

[Guttergoddess]

Well, it has to be true some of the time, doesn't it?

It was true in the case of my marriage. We considered seperating, but just couldn't financially afford it. We had a beautiful house on a lake, both loved the location, had no children, and 2 bedrooms...so I moved into one, he moved into the other...odd as it sounds...the best years of our marriage we AFTER we "seperated" we became really good friends (remain so today, as much as it turns heads when we go out) started cooking together, going on vacations, all sorts of stuff...we just realized that as far as sex was concerned...we'd grown in different directions.

As to do you ask for a note? No, there's really no easy way of doing that...you have to learn to trust your gut. I had the affair with the married man, knew his wife wasn't aware, part of it was the rush, part of it was the sex...and eventually, part of it was the love.....(that man is now my BF)

Oh and to truly confuse matters...my BF and my husband (whom I cheated on with said BF) are friends! We have had my ex over for holidays, he's taken my BF out for dinner on his birthday....what can I say....my life isn't "normal"

 

[Laird_Raum]

Not all of them are out of line.

A few years ago My wife had major surgery and after lost almost all interst in sex of any kind. She knows I try to continue the lifestyle we had before the surgery as it was something that we had gotten way into. She just does not want anything to happen with her around as it reminds her of what she lost. I very much respect this and participate very rarely, even though she tells me to not turn down any chance because of her. I require her to meet the people or person involved and before anything happens she must say that it is ok if I want to go ahead and have sex with them. I just wish that more of those people that claim to be in a similar situation could say that they take the same care for their spouse and give them the respect that I do by not playing around with out them first saying it is ok..

 

[SimpleGifts]

You'll find all kinds of perspectives on the issue here:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=397302

The reasons why married people cheat--men and women--are actually quite varied and numerous. Although there are some tired patterns (people who are serial users of others, etc.), many situations are quite different and the rationalizations follow all kinds of paths. I've spoken to many people who have had affairs...every relationship has its own context.

Note that I did use the term "rationalization" on purpose, because I do believe that no matter what justification one finds, having an affair IS cheating and it IS lying (unless explicitly condoned by the other spouse) and it's fair to label it as such. And yes, I've cheated on my wife and so I feel qualified to use the term.

SG

 

[snake0067]

Well I'm not married, but even if I was I pretty much hate lying (which can get one in trouble it seems) but in addition I really suck at it.

 

[old_fool]

From my perspective (as foolish as it is), there is something lacking when either party goes looking. It can be emotional, physical, financial, kids, life in general, whatever. For some reason, something is lacking. It may have gotten so bad over the years that you cannot even talk about it to the other person. You end up looking to fill the void. Can it be worked out? Only those involved know for sure. Many times people go their own ways, many times reconclliation happens and the marriage is stronger then ever.

Why stay married? Getting hosed financially looms large. Losing everything you have worked for for years and finding out it is too late to start over is another...Is that happiness? No. The sad fact is that the older you get, you think about this. You know time starts running short and you have to look out for your future. You have to look at the long term. It isn't materialistic, it is survival.

That may be pretty cynical, but that is what life throws at you. I am not excusing this behavior and lying about where you are at is abhorable. It is not gender specific. It is a human condition and always will be.

Sadly, those that do lie, get away with it. Those of us who only want happiness will always be shamed by those who go after the quick self gratification without regard for the other persons feelings and ultimately we/they are lumped together with those that exhibit this behavior.

Such is life and it is up to all of us to make these choices.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

Why stay married? Getting hosed financially looms large. Losing everything you have worked for for years and finding out it is too late to start over is another...Is that happiness? No. The sad fact is that the older you get, you think about this. You know time starts running short and you have to look out for your future. You have to look at the long term. It isn't materialistic, it is survival.

That may be pretty cynical, but that is what life throws at you. I am not excusing this behavior and lying about where you are at is abhorable. It is not gender specific. It is a human condition and always will be.

I think in a lot of cases, this is it. My wife and I separated last year, but before we did, we hadn't had sex in years (not by my choice). Unfortuantely, in the last few years, we had moved into a more expensive home, she had rung up some expensive bills, and my options of getting out and still supporting my children amounted to me moving in with my parents, even though I make a salary that should have me in the upper middle class ... no way! Taking that kind of financial loss, plus the reduction in time with my children, that just wasn't going to happen.

Now, I didn't cheat, and won't have sex with someone else until the divorce is complete, which will still be awhile yet. But this has certainly changed my views on people who cheat, to some degree.

 

[old_fool]

I think in a lot of cases, this is it. My wife and I separated last year, but before we did, we hadn't had sex in years (not by my choice). Unfortuantely, in the last few years, we had moved into a more expensive home, she had rung up some expensive bills, and my options of getting out and still supporting my children amounted to me moving in with my parents, even though I make a salary that should have me in the upper middle class ... no way! Taking that kind of financial loss, plus the reduction in time with my children, that just wasn't going to happen.

Now, I didn't cheat, and won't have sex with someone else until the divorce is complete, which will still be awhile yet. But this has certainly changed my views on people who cheat, to some degree.

I did move out because I had had it and thought I had found happiness with someone else. I realized later on that it was still all on me to make the new relationship work so it wasn't happiness, just a rehash of the old with someone new. You say you have not cheated, but there are degrees of cheating degrees of the emotional or physical. I am not passing judgement, but we all go through the emotional.

I did end up coming back home and am still trying to reconcile why. I may never know, but something deep inside me knows that I won't be happy until I find that person who is not afraid to meet me half way. Someone who can actually want to find a new start and not be tied to the past or the present. Someone who can actually understand the pain of seperation and blame the children will heap upon you because you left. Someone who knows that your happiness is tied together regardless of time and place.

Good luck my friend. I know we all need it.

 

[Lorelei_11]

Leaving is an extremely difficult thing to do. Its a complex issue. Both of your lives are intertwined in every way, including financially. I eventually left. To be sure of my safety, I left with nothing. My case was on the extreme end. Yet, I understand the level of loss many other people have to take, even if not as severe as mine. I can see why, after so long, feeling trapped, a person ends up having an affair.

 

[old_fool]

Leaving is an extremely difficult thing to do. Its a complex issue. Both of your lives are intertwined in every way, including financially. I eventually left. To be sure of my safety, I left with nothing. My case was on the extreme end. Yet, I understand the level of loss many other people have to take, even if not as severe as mine. I can see why, after so long, feeling trapped, a person ends up having an affair.

It is, and you are a very brave person. You will find the eventual happiness that awaits you.

 

[olivefun]

It is, and you are a very brave person. You will find the eventual happiness that awaits you.

Yes, you are brave L.
It does get better.
Financial stuff comes and goes. You have to just be grateful that you got away.


Being single is better than wishing you were.

 

[Lorelei_11]

It is, and you are a very brave person. You will find the eventual happiness that awaits you.

Thank you. I hope so, sometimes I get so close to giving up. I've learned a lot, changed a lot. The kind of guy I'm looking for is hard to find.