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MG's Dubious Dictionary

Thank you, but I am currently an unpaid (3 weeks late with paycheck, and counting) copywriter. When the checks stop altogether, I won't be able to afford DSL anymore and I'll have to send words in by carrier pigeon.
 
shereads said:
I'll have to send words in by carrier pigeon.
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Dear SheR,
How do you think I do it? Enos and Peaches are very reliable. Cost a fortune in bird seed, though.
MG
Ps. Actually, I use a plain old dialup 56K modem. I've never thought it was too slow. Does the high speed stuff really give one a more satisfactory Internet experience?
 
ARCTOPHILY: Study of teddy bears.* E.g. "Lookie here, Marge. According to ma arctophily book, his here bear's one a them rare 1922 Cosgrove Special Editions. Ya kin tell, because it's got a big tonker an' three nuts inside the little overalls."

ARDASS: Fine silk.* Not to be confused with "lardass," which is the editor's aunt Louise.

ARMOMANCY: Divination by examination of the shoulders.* E.g. "Herb, armomancy sees all, tells all. Thet huge, festerin' boil on yer shoulder, fer instance, tells me that we're in fer a hard winter. Here, lemme git ma goggles on, an' I'll jist give that thang a good squeeze fer ya."

ARRHIZAL: Lacking a root.* E.g. "Sorry ya got yer tonker caught in the lawnmower, William. Looks like yer gonna be arrhizal from now on."
 
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ARGENT: The heraldic color of silver or white.* E.g. A flaming torch, the scales of justice, a lion rampant, and hippos argent.

ARGOL: Dry cow dung used as fuel.* E.g. "Dang, Clem, this here argol makes a nice campfire. Imparts an interesting flavor to the weenies and marshmallers, too."

ARISTOLOGY: The science and art of dining.* The paragon of aristology was Mr Creosote in Monty Python's "Meaning of Life."

ARISTARCH: A severe critic.* An apt description of readers and voters at Literotica.com.
 
AAABUCKETOPHOBIA: The fear of consuming paper-thin after-dinner mints of the type enjoyed by Mr. Creosote in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.
 
ARRRISTOTLE: Greek philosopher who proposed a form of argument consisting of two premises and two conclusions, of which the most famous example is:

(i) Every Greek is a person.
(ii) Every person is mortal.
(iii) Every Greek is mortal.
(iv) Every person is a pirate.
 
ARROGATE: To claim confusion about an event. E.g. "Honest, Irene! I saw this ewe wanderin' through the yard, and the next thing I knew, I had my pants down and ...... "

ARRESTANT: Something that causes an insect to stop moving.* Examples of commonly used arrestants are the sole of a shoe, a rolled up newspaper, and a flyswatter.

ASPHETERISM: Denial of the right to private property.* E.g. "See here, mate. Around here, we practices aspheterism. We shares an' shares alike, an' it ain't fair to keep that pretty little ewe just fer yerself."

ASHPLANT: Walking stick.* E.g. "If you do that again, Mr Cosgrove, you shall find my ashplant planted firmly up your ass."
 
ARUNDINACEOUS: Like or having the properties of intestinal gas. E.g. "Just as she was serving that delicious roast bustard, there came the most horrible arundinaceous stench from beneath Janet's hostess gown. Those quiet ones are always the worst."

ASOMATOUS: Lacking a body.* E.g. "Honestly, if poor Trixie was any flatter chested she'd be asomatous."

ASSURGENT: Ascending; rising, curving upward.* E.g. "Hey, Maudie, lookie here! The old johnson's gone all assurgent on me. That Viagra really works!"

ASTRINGEMENT: Drawing together; tightening.* The effect of a really scary movie on the anal sphincter.
 
ASTROMANCY: Divination using stars.* E.g. "Daddy, my astromancy tells me there's gonna be a short, sharp shower of shit on Sunday."

ASTRUT: Protrudingly; distendedly.* Characteristicly of an aroused cyclopean trouser trout (q.v.).

ASYNARTETIC: Having two members with different rhythms.* E.g. "Havin' a asynartetic husband ain't as good as ya might thank, Louise. One of his dicks is always awake and awantin' to play hide the salami. I cain't hardly never git no sleep nomore."

ATMATERTERA: Great-grandfather's grandmother's sister.* No kidding, there really is such a word. The why and how thereof is best left unexplored. (Ed.)

ATAPATRUUS: Great-grandfather's grandfather's brother.* See above. Good grief. (Ed.)

Ps. The first edition of the Dubious Dictionary is now posted at Lit.com. It's at:
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=121490
The editor realizes that many readers wish to have the DD in a formal format suitable for framing and binding into a book, so here it is! No, no; your thanks is enough. (Ed.)
 
DOCUMENTED ERROR!

MathGirl said:
ASHPLANT: Walking stick.* E.g. "If you do that again, Mr Cosgrove, you shall find my ashplant planted firmly up your ass."
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MG, I hate to be the bearer of bad etc., but the just-published 2004 edition of the Oxford English Dictionary defines "ashplant" as, "An enormous self-powered rectum disguised as a failed candidate for the United States Senate or other governing body, and 'planted' in the Justice Department by assholes intent on taking over the planet."

If I were you, I'd have my attorneys contact their attorneys and duke it out. Or I'd just accept that their definition is likely correct and begin to contemplate life in a world run by assholes.
 
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ATRESIA: Absence or irregular closing of a passage in the body.* E.g. "I'm sorry Louis, but I have atresia of the anal sphincter. I sure wish it hadn't happened on our first date, and I hope we can see each other again."

ATRICHIA: Baldness.* E.g. "Amos, that cheap toupee looks like a dead animal on your head. Atrichia isn't the end of the world, you know."

AUBADE: Musical announcement of dawn. Sunrise song.* Especially annoying when the dog and rooster next door greet each dawning with an aubade duet.

AUDILE: Person more attuned to sound than other senses.* E.g. "Thought ya could sneak that one, didn'tya, Charlie? I ain't got much sense of smell, but I can hear a hamster fart a block away."

Dear Shere,
If you can't tell the difference between an ashplant and an Ashcroft, you should look into being a Lit editor.
MG
 
AUSCULTATION: Listening to sounds of internal organs.* E.g. "Hector, your prostate is yodeling "America the Beautiful" again. You know how that annoys the cat."

AURIFEROUS: Bearing gold.* Reference to the undigested kernels of corn in excrement. In parts of South American they are recovered and reused. The grains produced by this process make the most delicate of tortillas.

AUTOCOPROPHAGY: The reader is left to figure this one out on his own. In this column, we value delicacy and good taste above all. (Ed.)

AURILAVE: Instrument used to clean the ear canal.* Commonly used aurilaves include paper clips, ball point pens, and cocaine spoons.

Ps. The long-awaited second chapter of the DD (AD-AG) is now posted.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=121506
When printed out, it makes dandy toilet paper.
MG
 
AURIFEROUS

Maths, I resent this definition and do not believe it valid per your example. Tortillas are never meant to be delicate. A delicate tortilla is an oxymoron to anyone weaned on them.

Perdita
 
Dear MG (of the DD fame),

This is to bring to your attention that The Dubious Dictionary: Ad-Ag contains Ac words, which are not supposed to be there. Yes, I know, what would you do without me.
 
Re: AURIFEROUS

Originally posted by perdita Maths, I resent this definition and do not believe it valid per your example. Tortillas are never meant to be delicate. A delicate tortilla is an oxymoron to anyone weaned on them.
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Dear Perdita,
Just because you come from somewhat north of South America, you should not cast dispersions on the culture of those austral to your country of origin. Your complaint is rejected.
MG
Ps. Oxymoron? Don't come whining to me just because you have a stupid aurochs (q.v.)
Pps. DampP: You may take your complaint to the place where the sun does not shine. It's just west of Lathrop, CA.
 
Back to business...........

AUTO-DA-FE: Burning at the stake.* E.g. "Oh, Wayne, how wonderful! We just got an invitation to something called an auto-da-fe, and we're going to be the guests of honor. Whatever shall I wear?"

AUROCHS: An extinct species of Ox.* E.g. "Blast! That Cosgrove has all the luck. He was just tampled into roadkill by an aurochs, and they've been extinct for 400,000 years."

AVERRUNCATOR: Long flexible pipe for administration of enemas to giraffes.

AXINOMANCY: Divination by studying an axe or hatchet.* E.g. "Well, Sergeant, after axinomancy of the object buried in the victim's liver, it is my professional opinion that the axe was the cause of death."
 
***Consonants*** Woo woo woo!

BACCATE: Having berries.* E.g. "Yeah, Esther, I got berries; dingleberries. Believe me, they ain't the kind ya want to make into a pie."

BACULIFORM: Rod shaped.* E.g. "Hi, little girl. Would you like to see Mister Willie? He's my baculiform cyclopean trouser trout?"

BAGGARA: Swedish pastry made from curtains.

BAISEMAIN: Kiss on the hand. E.g. "I baisemain your lovely hand, madam. In return, you may osculate my hindquarters."
 
Do you take requests?

I have one:

Adjectives

specifically to describe people, pleasant or unpleasant:)

Thanks,

Sweet.
 
Re: Do you take requests?

sweetnpetite said:
I have one: Adjectives. specifically to describe people, pleasant or unpleasant:)
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Dear SnP,
Oh yes, Dear. There is an excellent word which describes that perfectly. Unfortulately you will have to wait until we get to the "R" section of our little lexicon. Be patient. MG

BALBUTIENT: S... st... st ... studd... s... st ....... hard to t... tal... t...t...ta... aww, fuck it.

BALISAUR: Long tailed badger.* Included for the edification of the wildlife huggers out there (Ed.).

BALIZE: Pole mounted on seashore as beacon.* Editor's Note: It must be assumed that said Eastern European would be holding some sort of torch or flashlight. Even the legendary "ten-foot Pole" waving his arms and yelling would be of little use at night. Also, it is unknown by whom and how the Pole is "mounted."

BALLOTTEMENT: Diagnosis of pregnancy by applying sharp force to the abdomen.* E.g. "Close your eyes and hold your breath, Mrs Cosgrove. Mr Tyson will give you a right fist to the gut, and we'll soon know if a blessed event is in your future. Anytime you wish, Mike. Whack!
 
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BALMORALITY: Superficial enthusiasm for Scottish culture.* E.g. "Ya know, Claude, I think I have balmorality. I really like the Scottish golf courses, them beanies these guys wear ain't bad, and I love the whiskey. When it comes to wearin' a skirt and listenin' to a band that sounds like 200 cats havin' bunghole surgery, though, I yearn for the good old U S of A."

BANQUETTE: Raised footway above a parapet.* E.g. "Shit, Elmo, it ain't fair. When the Sergeant said I was goin' to a banquette, I expected a fancy dinner. Instead, I got guard duty up on the fuggin' walls."

BARATHRUM: An abyss.* Readers should beware of asking hearing challenged persons in mountainous regions for directions to the bathroom. A mistake could result in a terrible fall. Presented as a public service message. (Ed.)

BALLISTOPHPOBIA: Fear of missles.* A trait considered to be perfectly rational in most cultures.
 
Oops.

I know this isn't the best time to mention it, MG, but you missed a couple.

AZZ'URE: A late-arriving or unwanted inquiry. E.g., "Azzure dictionary coming along? Still working on the A's?"

AZZ'UREBARA'THRUM: Interrogatory phrase, typically directed at one who has undergone a colonoscopy. Social etiquette dictates that both parties assume the question to be rhetorical; a nod is considered sufficient as a reply. Where anesthesia has not been administered or has worn off during the procedure, an alternative reply is, "Yowsa!"
 
BALLISTOCARDIOGRAM: 1. Detection of heart beat by body movements.* 2. A cardiogram made while holding the patient at gunpoint. 3. A cardiogram made while a person is being fired from a siege catapult.

BARBIGEROUS: Bearded.* E.g. "Eugene, ya gotta do sumpin' 'bout thet damn beard. Yer so barbigerous, it looks like yer tryin' ta swaller a cat."

BARAGOUIN: Jargon or unintelligible language.* A characteristic of some stories posted at Literotica.com and certain definitions in the Dubious Dictionary.

BARDEL: Pack saddle.* E.g. "Naw, I'm not saying that Louise is horse-faced. It's just that every time I see her, I think how natural she'd look wearing a bardel."

Ps. Shere: I agree. Good words. Also, I believe that "yowza" is an underappreciated and underutilized word. It will appear in the DD about July.
MG
 
Thank you, Maths. You are providing such a public service. Pubic service too: my current boyfriend said I had the most beautiful barbigerous puss he had ever seen (if only on webcam), but I was too embarrassed to ask what he meant.

blessings,

Perdita
 
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