MG's Dubious Dictionary

[shereads]

BALLISTOCARDIOGRAM: 1. Detection of heart beat by body movements.* 2. A cardiogram made while holding the patient at gunpoint. 3. A cardiogram made while a person is being fired from a siege catapult.

Gets my vote for best word in the dictionary. Makes coffee come out of my nose each time I read #3. You'd think I'd learn.

 

[MathGirl]

BAROGNOSIS: Ability to preceive weight.* "Sheeit, Leon, I can tell who jist entered the room by barognosis. The floor tilted, that means at least 280 pounds, so it gotta be Effie Sue."

BARDOCUCULLUS: Hooded cloak worn by monks.* E.g. "Hello, little girl. Would you like to see Mister Snake? He's right here under Brother Ambrose's bardocucullus."

BARRATRY: Inciting to riot or violence.* E.g. "Naw, Tyrone, ya didn't hear right. "Go figure" ain't what that redneck mothafucka say."

BARYECOIA: Deafness, hardness of hearing.* E.g. "Huh? What? Dammit, Joanne, I don't need a hearing aid. Whatja say? Stop mumblin'."

 

[MathGirl]

BASTINADE: To beat with a stick or baton.* E.g. "Okay, Cosgrove. Tell us where the hideout is, or there's gonna be a bastinade, with you as the guest of honor."

BASIATE: Kiss* E.g. "And you, sir, may basiate my nether regions."

BATHYKOLPIAN: Deep bosomed.* Whooie, Leon! Thet Oleta shore do be bathykolpian. Wouldn't ya love to put yer face betwixt them babies an' go bubbabubbabubba?"

BATHYPELAGIC: Found in the depths of the ocean.* What's huge, purple, and bathypelagic? Moby Grape.

 

[MathGirl]

BATRACHIAN: Pertaining to frogs or toads. E.g. "Esther, I thank them warts of yern be batrachian in origin."

BATRAQUOMANCY: Divination using frogs.* E.g. "Emil, I can clearly see your future from batraquomancy using these frog guts. Let me put it this way: Don't subscribe to any magazines or buy green bananas."

BAYADERE: Fabric having horizontal stripes in strongly contrasting colors.* The wearing of bayadere clothing is guaranteed to make the slightly overweight look like Haystack Calhoun.

BEAVER: Hinged face guard on a helmet.* The "split beaver" is a result of the helmet being cleaved by a heavy sword.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

BARDOCUCULLUS: Hooded cloak worn by monks.* E.g. "Hello, little girl. Would you like to see Mister Snake? He's right here under Brother Ambrose's bardocucullus."

ROFL

*wheezing*

Plot bunny!

 

[MathGirl]

BENEFICIATE: To treat ores to remove impurities.* E.g. "And now, the congregation will please rise. Brother Amos will lead us in a prayer to beneficate the streetwalkers and brothel residents of our fair city."

BERSATRIX: Babysitter.* E.g. "Mom, can I please have Julie as my bersatrix again the next time you and Dad go out? She lets me play with her 'little kitty.' It smells funny, but it's really fun. Pleeeease?"

BELONOID: Shaped like a needle.* "Doc, ya gotta hep me! I need some steroids, er fertilizer, er sumpin fer ma dick. It ain't only short, it's belonoid."

BESOM: Broom.* E.g. "I guess I'll never understand girls, Otis. Mary Jo said I could handle her besom all I wanted. When I put my hand up her sweater, though, she slapped the shit outa me with a broom."

 

[MathGirl]

BELLARMINE: Large jug with rounded belly.* A graceful shape inspired by Marlon Brando.

BELOMANCY: Divination using arrows.* E.g. "Belomancy clear, Red Bear, arrows never speak with forked tongue. Little sore on tonker picked up from Spotted Fawn put you on fast track to happy hunting grounds."

BEMA: Raised part of an Eastern church containing the altar.* May also refer to the raised part of an Eastern churchman's trousers in response to the altar boy.

BIBLIOPHAGIST: One who devours books.* E.g. "As a bibliophagist, I found "Moby Dick" to be excellent, but a bit more that I could consume at one sitting. I took the last eight chapters home for the dog."

 

[Guest]

BESOM: Broom.* E.g. "I guess I'll never understand girls, Otis. Mary Jo said I could handle her besom all I wanted. When I put my hand up her sweater, though, she slapped the shit outa me with a broom."

Maths, for reasons not pertinent here (hur hur) I was researching the origins of "besom" recently and found this on a site devoted to Yorkshire dialect. Thought you'd appreciate the extra info.

Perdita

From a glossary of old Yorkshire words:

besom: 1. A bundle of rods or twigs used for birching. 2. An implement for sweeping, usually a bunch of broom, tied round a handle; a broom. [Also (Scottish), a low woman]

p.s. The site's director said his mother pronounced it beesum (I presume she only referred to a broom). Also, the spelling I am familiar with is bessom.

 

[MathGirl]

BIDENTICULATE: Having two teeth.* A characteristic of those residents of eastern Arkansas who take great pride in their dental hygeine. Considered elitist in those parts.

BIBLIOFILLY: Reading a book whilst riding a young female horse.

BICAPITATE: Having two heads.* E.g. "Goddammit, Arnold, I don't care iffen ya got a bicapitate tallywhacker. Ya ain't agetting thet thang nowheres near me."

BICKERN: Anvil pointed at both ends.* Also applied to large turds of a similar shape. Especially those so enormous that both pointed ends stick up out of the toilet water. Such specimens are often photographed by their proud producers, and images appear on tee shirts and coffee mugs.

Perdita: Thanks ever so much for the elucidation.
Shere: What a charming AV.
Ps. It's nice to know that at least three people read this stuff.
MG

 

[MathGirl]

BIGHT: Coming together of the upper and lower teeth. A male with overbight is called "buck toothed." Of a female with the same malady, it is said that, "She can eat corn off the cob through a picket fence."

BIGGIN: A building.* Also used as part of brilliant Lit.com nicknames such as "Iva Biggin."

BIPENNATE: Having two wings.* One would assume that any alar creature would be bipennate. After all, having only one wing would enable flight only in very tight circles. Such an organism would seem to be on an extremely short evolutionary branch with an abrupt dead end. Ed.

BILLINGSGATE: Coarsely abusive language.* A form of speech used by most self-styled critics at Lit.com.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

BILLINGSGATE: Coarsely abusive language.* A form of
speech used by most self-styled critics at Lit.com.

ALSO a codeword for republicans, made up during Clinton's reign. It's pronounced "Bill is gay".

 

[Guest]

Ps. It's nice to know that at least three people read this stuff.

Maths, I think it is the high regard, I daresay reverance, that people hold for you and this thread that keeps more of them from posting to it. I am certain a good dozen, at the very least, read your work here on a regular basis. I myself, you might note, post sparingly and with great deliberation. Your sad p.s. caused this one.

Perdita

 

[MathGirl]

Dear Perdita Poo,
Actually, not many people read the "Humor and Satire" section where I've posted some of this stuff. Doesn't give them enough to do with their hands, I guess. I've gotten more feedback from readers from 1000 reads of the DD than 50K reads of other stuff. I ain't complaining.
MG
P.s. Reverence, my ass.

 

[shereads]

BUTTRESS: A heavy-bottomed woman employed to prevent the collapse of a cottage or public house by standing against the inward-leaning wall. E.g., "Pay the buttress, Heinrich, it's closing time." Verb: To support a structure with one's derrierre in exchange for wages or other consideration. E.g., "I'll buttress the south wall of your biggin for a swig from the bellarmine."

 

[jeanne_d_artois]

BILLINGSGATE: Coarsely abusive language.* A form of speech used by most self-styled critics at Lit.com.

Also a fish market in London frequented by fishwives whose skill at coarse repartee is infamous. "As rude as a Billingsgate fishwife" is a standard few can match.

Jeanne

 

[shereads]

BALDER: An aesthetician or in medieval times, a barber, who specialized in making the testicles entirely free of hair "by any means necessary."

BALDERDASH: To run very, very, fast; i.e, lickety-split, or "quick as a bunny." (Derived from the name of a footrace performed at harvest festivals, of which the slowest man was traditionally subjected to public defuzzing by the village balder.)

 

[MathGirl]

BILIOUS: Ill tempered; unpleasant.* An almost universal characteristic of writers of feedback to stories at Literotica.com.

BIOLITH: Rock formed by living creatures.* The two most common examples of bioliths are coral formations and the concretions found between the ears of many residents of eastern Arkansas. Of the two, the creature secreting the coral is believed to be the more intelligent.

BIRETTA: Square, three-ridged cap worn by Catholic clergy.* Traditionally, this is worn backwards whilst blowing the altar boy.

BLASTOGENESIS: Reproduction by budding.* E.g. "Ummmm, Daddy? Errr, y'all ever heard of blastogenesis?"

 

[MathGirl]

BIROSTRATE: Double beaked.* E.g. "Egad, Cosgrove! I've had this finger up thousands of arseholes in my career, but you have the first birostrate prostate I've ever felt. Please hold still while I call the newspaper. They will want pictures."

BISCULATE: Cleft in two.* A characteristic of the common domestic beaver. Ed.

BLANDELOQUENCE" Complimentary speech; flattery.* E.g. "Miss Cosgrove, let me say that you have the fishiest crotch it has ever been my pleasure to sniff. Do you wear rubber panties?"

BLENDURE: Mixing.* "George, I propose we make a blendure. I suggest my ass and your face."

 

[whispering_surrender]

Ps. It's nice to know that at least three people read this stuff.
MG

I do too.....I just occasionally know when to shut up and listen to a master.....

Whisp

 

[MathGirl]

BLAUWOK: The quaint Inuit custom observed during fish gutting contests. The umpire blows a walrus tusk whistle, the contestants drop their fish, and they vigorously pick each other's noses for thirty seconds. A second whistle signals the end of the blauwok, and the contest resumes.

BISONTINE: Pertaining to bison; buffalo-like.* E.g. "You have a lovely figure, Eleanor. Your hindquarters are positively bisontine."

BLAIN: A boil or blister.* E.g. "I shouldn't worry about that blain on your privates, Mr Farquahr. It will go away when your tonker falls off."

BIREME: A galley with two banks of oars.* Editor's note: This is apparently a small kitchen staffed by a double shift of ladies of ill-repute.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I do too.....I just occasionally know when to shut up and listen to a master.....

Whisp

Let's hope and pray raphy never reads this thread..!

 

[MathGirl]

BLEWIT: Type of edible toadstool.* E.g. "Dang, Doris! I can see how these here mushrooms got their name. I et some, felt a rumblin' in ma guts, then I blewit in my shorts."

BLUEPETER: Blue flag with white square in center used as ship's signal.* Announces the presence of a dread, highly contagious venereal disease amongst the crew. Vessel is quarantined until tonkers of crewmen turn cerulean, fall off, and they are no longer infectious.

BOATSWAIN: Naut. Ship's crewmember in charge of equipment and maintence.* In the days of sailing ships, a comely boatswain often doubled as buttboy for the captain on long voyages.

BOBSTAY: Naut. Rope used on ship to steady cabin boy whilst pulling a train for officers. Otherwise used to keep ship's pet sheep from falling overboard.

Ps. Hiya, Swede.

 

[MathGirl]

Something for the opera lovers ...

"BOLISSIMA MIA": Ital. Lit.-"My Johnson is Sore." The magnificent aria sung by Dimaggio (ten.) in the third act of the opera "The Sheep Lovers" by Zucchini.

BOEOTIAN: Stupid; dull.* Characteristic of music lovers who sit through the entire seven hour performance of the abovementioned opera.

BOMAN: Well dressed criminal.* E.g. O.J.Simpson, Robert Blake, Michael "Sleepover" Jackson. (The Editor is obligated, as a public service, to include the occasional societal commentary amongst the otherwise serious items in the lexicon. These will be kept as brief and infrequent as possible. Ed.)

BONING: 1. Estimating straightness by looking along a row of poles.* (Assuming one can get Kowalski and Matuzak to hold still, of course. Ed.) 2. What Laura gets from Shrubbie on a semi-annual basis.

 

[MathGirl]

BONBONIERRE: Small box used for sweetmeats.* E.g. "Hay, Lucille, ya wanna see ma sweetmeats? Lemme jist unzip ma bonbonierre."

BOLUS: Rounded mass.* Marlon Brando

BOMBOSITY: The buttocks.* E.g. "Sheeeit, Leroy! That Quanisha gots some kinda bombosity on hersef, huh?"

BORASCO: Violent wind squall.* "Whooie, thet were some kinda borasco, Momma! Now thet it's over, wouldja please hep me pull these panties outa ma ass?"

 

[damppanties]

just being helpful

BOMAN: Well dressed criminal.* E.g. O.J.Simpson, Robert Blake, Michael "Sleepover" Jackson. (The Editor is obligated, as a public service, to include the occasional societal commentary amongst the otherwise serious items in the lexicon. These will be kept as brief and infrequent as possible. Ed.)

There is this actor who appears in Indian movies called Boman Irani...

He appeared in one movie as a psychopath and in another in a comic role. Both were executed excellently. I have not seen him in more roles than that.