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More Humour

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob, so they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But some months months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
 
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." said the Instructor to his class.

"After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried.

It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.​
"
 
I went to a party dressed as a chicken,
I met a girl dressed as an egg , an age old problem was solved

the chicken
 
I had to divorce my first wife because she was a racist. When our son was born, she took one look at him and said: "Thank God he's white."
 
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife **** on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
 
An oldie but a goodie:

TWA stewardess to passenger: "Would you like some of our TWA coffee?"

Passenger: "No, thanks, but I'd love some of your TWA tea."
 
A guy is walking down the street and see's a sign in front of a bar that says, "Make my horse laugh and all the beer you drink is on the house."
The guy goes in and says to the bartender, "I'm here to make your horse laugh."
Bartender says, "The horse is out back. Go give it your best shot but I'll warn you nobody has made him laugh yet."

The guy goes out back, next thing you know the whole bar is full of the sound of a laughing horse.
The guy comes back and the bartender says, " I'm impressed. That's a first, well drink up cause a deal is a deal."
The guy gets loaded and leaves a few hours later.

A week later the guy stops in the same bar and the horse is still laughing.
The bartender says, " Buddy you've got to help me. My horse hasn't stopped laughing since you left last week. Please go back there and try to stop him."
Guy goes out back. The laughing stops but now the horse starts crying.
Guy comes back to the bar and the bartender asks what he did.

"Well last week I told the horse I was bigger than him. This week I dropped my pants and showed him I wasn't lying."
 
If I had known the difference between an IUD and an IED, my girlfriend wouldn't be pregnant... and she'd still have both her legs.
 
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The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it."Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
 
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

.
 
Stop me if you've heard this

HaHa! You can't!

This teenage trailer trash girl walks into the den where her father watches TV.

"Daddy, can I borrow the car?"

"Sure you can, Dumpling. But you know what you gotta do, don't ya?"

"Oh Daddy. I need to go!"

"If ya want the car, get to it, babycakes."

"Oh, all right, Daddy."

She gets on her knees in front of him, unzips his pants and pulls out his dick. Daddy puts his hand on the back of her head, pulling her in.

"Go on, Darlin'."

She slips her lips over the head and slides down the length, but yanks her mouth off quickly.

"Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!"

Daddy slaps his forehead.

"Oh, I'm sorry sweetie.. I done let your brother use the car."
 
Q: What's the diff between LSD & LDS?
A: One you take with a cube of sugar, the other you take with a grain of salt.
 
While many in the PTA had no problems that Miss Harper and Miss Wilson were single, they all breathed a collective sigh of relief when Brenda Anthropy got married.
 
Dedicated to Naoko Smith:-

Two guys from Wales die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in coats, mittens and balaclavas warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Wales, the land of wind and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in coats, mittens and balaclavas.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Wales, the land of wind and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Wales and finds them in t-shirts, shorts and sandals, drinking a beer and cooking a "barbie".

The devil is astonished: "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Welshmen reply, "Well, you know, we don't get too much warm weather in Wales so we've just got to have a cook-up when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Welshmen.

He gets there and finds them back in their coats, mittens and balaclavas. NOW they are celebrating, jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Welshmen look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know boyo? Hell has frozen over ! It must mean that Wales have won the Grand Slam.”
 
A man walks into a pub and orders 6 whiskeys.
'What's the matter?' asks the barman.
'I've just found out my father is gay!' he replies.

The next night he walks in and asks for another 6 whiskies.
'Still upset about your dad being gay?' asks the barman.
'No, I've just found out my older brother is gay, too!' he replies.

On the next night the same happens and the man asks for 6 more whiskies.
'What now?' asks the barman.
'My younger brother is gay as well!' he replies.

The fourth night the man walks int the bar and asks, yet again, for 6 whiskies.
'Crikey, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?' asks the exasperated barman.
'Yes!' replies the man 'My wife!!'
 
PMS Question oooooops.......
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fucking house knows HOW to change a fucking light bulb! They don't even know that the fucking bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fucking DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the fucking chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME fucking SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE FUCKIN PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCKIN HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE FUCK'N TOILET ROLL !!

I'm sorry.
What was the question...?

*****

Fun fact:

You cant spell advertisements without spilling semen between tits.

*****

"Your son just called me an old cow!" said my neighbour. "That's disgraceful," I said. "I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance...'

*****

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

*****
I saw this old fortune teller the other day and she told me that I would come into some money.
Only last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that freaky or what?
 
Waking after a long nights sleep, a wife begins recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt I was at an auction for cocks," she began. "The long ones went for a tenner, and the meaty ones for £20."
"How about the ones like mine?" Asked her husband.
"Oh, they gave those away," she replied, grinning slyly.
Miffed, the husband responds: "Well I had a dream too where they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones cost £1,000 and the little tight ones went for double that."
"And how much for the ones like mine?" inquired his wife.
The man grinned. "Oh, that's where they held the auction."
 
A man dies and goes to Heaven. As an attendant is showing him around, they enter a huge building. Inside, on the first floor alone, are many thousands of clocks, all of whose hands run at different speeds. Some barely move, some run faster. He asks the attendant about them.

"These clocks show the amount of time each person spent masturbating while in the earthly realm. The more masturbating you did, the faster the clock runs."

"So where's my clock?"

"Oh, they keep that one in the basement. They're using it for a fan."
 
An Italian soldier, relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No." Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.

Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"
 
Handley_Page said:
An Italian soldier, relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No." Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.

Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"
Click to expand...

ROFL! That's just my kind of joke--thanks, Handley! :D

This was something from a fellow colleague this week:

What would you call the #1 paraprofessional hired for a school? FIRST AIDE!

If you had a paraprofessional hired to assist the band, what would they call the person? The BAND AIDE!!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
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