More Humour

[Handley_Page]

A Philosophy professor decides to hold an impromptu test for his students, he places a chair on the desk and says "Prove that this chair does not exist, you have 1 hour", One student 'umms' and 'aahhs' for a few minutes writes 2 words on a piece of paper and walks out, the rest of the students are there for the full hour writing pages and pages.

A week later the results are posted on the notice board, the student who walked out after 10 minutes got an A.... What did he write?

"What Chair ?"

 

[Comentarista82]

A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…”

Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.

 

[Handley_Page]

Gynecologist: "Removing the vibrator is going to be a tricky and expensive operation."
Woman: "Why don't you just replace the batteries?"

 

[Sammael Bard]

https://scontent.fdel1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/20228232_10154498619017100_3075068481823963386_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=cd1f28077957997bb4b26e28e4ce6e1f&oe=5A006BC7

 

[Comentarista82]

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

 

[Handley_Page]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence............. "Well, fookin stop doin' it then!"

 

[Comentarista82]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence............. "Well, fookin stop doin' it then!"

THAT is hilarious--never heard that one!

 

[texhud]

Wow

Laughing hard

 

[Handley_Page]

After recent events in the US the education Authorities are going back to teaching the 3 'R's

Reading

Writing

Reaction to Effective Enemy Fire

 

[Hypoxia]

After recent events in the US the education Authorities are going back to teaching the 3 'R's

Reading

Writing

Reaction to Effective Enemy Fire

Similarly:

Readin' an' Writin'
'Rithmetickin'
Runnin' from crossfire

 

[Handley_Page]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the man tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 department stores, a town house, a beach-front villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ...

"You shag her again."

 

[john-the-author]

Why people dislike HS reunions....

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other on Facebook, and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary chastened and encouraged by her old friends' honesty, admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[Handley_Page]

^^ damned good one ^^


===============================================

A blind man wanders into an "all girls biker bar" by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
No...
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

 

[Weird Harold]

Odd units of measure
For all who have difficulty converting units:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

AND.......100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

[daremo68]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: 2

(Hint: They fit inside)

 

[sharingfantasies]

Odd units of measure
For all who have difficulty converting units:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

AND.......100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Someone had a lot of time on their hands.

 

[Handley_Page]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

 

[john-the-author]

Odd units of measure
For all who have difficulty converting units:

This leaves out my favorite:

Unit of beauty required to launch a single ship = 1 millihelen

 

[jehoram]

Odd units of measure

millivanilli -- a very small ice cream cone

 

[Handley_Page]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming"

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature"?

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural, I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid, look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered:
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me..."

 

[JKendallDane]

Dress for success

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

“Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

 

[Kelleebabes]

An art therapist decides to throw a "Color" theme party, you're supposed to come dressed in a color of an emotion...
Ding dong... the first couple arrives, dressed head to toe in red..."Let me guess" said the therapist host..."Your red with anger"..."welcome to the party !!! come in"
Ding dong...second guess arrives, A lovely woman in a beautiful green dress, and a smashing green hat..." ahhh" said the host, yes ,you're green with jealousy or envy"..."excellent! please join in the fun"
Ding dong...next it IS another couple decked out all in blue,..."ohhh my, exclaimed the host..." sad, you're dressed blue because your sad and unhappy"..." come in, come in..."This went on for several more colors...The party was in full swing...lastly
Ding dong...the therapist opened the door, there stood a big naked man...with his penis sticking through a pear... the therapist scratched his head and said..."mmm I'm afraid I can't quite figure out what emotion you represent?...The man in a deep voice said..."I'm fucking despair"

 

[Handley_Page]

A medical professor at a posh Medical school was lecturing his students in the field of involuntary muscle contractions, to lighten up the rather dull topic the professor asked a student the following question:

'Sarah, for example, “do you know what your asshole is doing whilst you are having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Yes, he's normally in the pub with his mates.”

 

[john-the-author]

Misc jokes

I have an L-shaped couch. Lowercase.

I have a beach body. Like a sea lion.

A neutrino walks through a bar.

Q: How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?
A: Take away its tiny little brooms.

 

[Handley_Page]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.