More Humour

[Handley_Page]

Little johnny arrives in class having been absent for three weeks,
"Aghh, hello Johnny, says the teacher, where have you been for the last three weeks?"
Johnny replies, "Sorry miss, i've been away cuz me dad got burnt."

"Oh Sorry to hear that, " the teacher replies, "nothing too serious i hope, ?"

To which johnny replied, "they don't Feck about at the crematorium, Miss."

 

[fma20fma]

hi

This thread peps up readers. Pl keep the show on the road, even if it means repeating jokes for the new entrants as readers. thanks.

 

[john-the-author]

I agree! It's something I enjoy.

Here's one that was elegant (I didn't write it; it started as someone's tweet):

I accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette, and when I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet.

 

[Handley_Page]

It was the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!"

 

[HectorBidon]

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind before it hits your windshield?

.

.

.

.


It's asshole.

 

[Handley_Page]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she was a married woman.

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me have you."

The girl refused, so Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her husband. So she called her husband and told him the story.
Her husband said, "Ask him for £200 but pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his trousers down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the husband calls and asked what happened.

"The ******* used £1 coins," the wife replied.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

He should have thrown 1Penny coins for getting more time.

 

[john-the-author]

Joke for Sunday--it's even clean!

Q: Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on their sides?
A: So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

[Handley_Page]

Mother walking past her daughters room and hears a buzzing sound , puzzled she goes in and finds her daughter lying back with a rampant rabbit at full blast .
''What the hell are you doing '' she says

''Oh go away mother I am 35 and have no man so please leave me alone ''says the daughter.

The next day her father is walking past her room and hears the same sound and goes in to find out what it is.

''Go away dad ''she says ''I am 35 and have no man.''
Embarrassed, he gets out.

Next day Mother comes home and hears the same buzzing sound from the living room and storms in to the room shouting '' not in here girl'' but finds her husband sitting watching football with the rampant rabbit going full blast on the table.

He shouts back ''shut up I am watching football with my son in law''

 

[jehoram]

I found this on IMDB:

During the filming of Lifeboat, several crew members noted that Tallulah Bankhead was not wearing underwear. When advised of this situation, Alfred Hitchcock observed, "I don't know if this is a matter for the costume department, makeup, or hairdressing."

 

[Handley_Page]

Little Johnny walks past his parents bedroom one evening and sees them making love. Puzzled, he asks his father about it in the morning.
"Dad, why were you doing that to mummy last night?"
His father replies, "Because mummy wants to have a baby."
The next night, Johnny spots mummy giving dad a blow job.
The next morning he asks his father,
"Why was mummy doing that to you last night?"
To which father replies, "Because mummy wants a BMW too!"

 

[Riley69]

A day in school

A teacher in an elementary school was worried when she saw little Johnny in class. Little Johnny looked sad, and appeared to become sadder as the day dragged on. At one point, Little Johnny started whimpering and crying. The teacher couldn't take it anymore!

"Johnny, what is the matter with you? Why are you crying?"

Johnny sobbed, "My mother is dying! She is going to heaven soon!"

The teacher was in shock! She knew Johnny's mother and she was young and the picture of perfect health!!! The teacher asked Johnny, "Tell me dear, how do you know your mother is dying?"

Little Johnny sobbed, "Since my dad left home, I hear her talking to God every night on her special radio!"

Now the teacher was really confused! "Johnny, what do you mean about a 'special radio'? Can you hear what she says?"

Now Johnny really starts to cry and he sobs, "Oh yes! The radio is buzzing like crazy and she sounds like she is going to die and then I hear her say, 'Oh God, I'm cumming, I'm cumming!!!', so I know she is going to heaven soon!"

The teacher sent Johnny to the school nurse and told him to tell her about his mother's special radio, and then she took sick leave for the rest of the day.

 

[Handley_Page]

THE HANGOVER SCALE

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * *
> You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You are wearing nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following: Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ...very gently.

6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting.

Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is not an option.

 

[JackLuis]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the

difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic

competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the

best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the

clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

Final question was: How do you explain the difference between

COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and

FINISHED. Here is his astute answer: When you marry the right

woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman,

you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the

wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! He won a trip

around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

 

[Comentarista82]

Why aren't koalas actual bears?

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They don’t meet the koalafications.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the

difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic

competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the

best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the

clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

Final question was: How do you explain the difference between

COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and

FINISHED. Here is his astute answer: When you marry the right

woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman,

you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the

wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! He won a trip

around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

Guess what happens when the right woman and the wrong woman catch him in the act with a ladyboy?

 

[oggbashan]

Guess what happens when the right woman and the wrong woman catch him in the act with a ladyboy?

He is FINISHED off - COMPLETELY.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Five Stages Of Sobering Up

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are! shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.


Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point.
Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty-pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

 

[Hypoxia]

The Hangover Scale and the Stages of Sobering Up remind me of my evolving levels of political consciousness when I arise in the morning.

Before coffee, barely alive: I'm a Republican
After first cup, halfway there: I'm a Democrat
After the third cup, full awake: I'm a Green

Then I graw on some beef jerky and growl at passing wildlife.

 

[Comentarista82]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?













Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

 

[Handley_Page]

This is a copy of an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries, from the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait
till you read this guy's response - but read the entire letter before
you get to the response.

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Site Location: Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

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RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Reference your certified letter dated 12/17/2000 has been referred to me to respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers? or,
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of P! art 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.3010,1 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns.

My first concern is aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?

The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harrass them and call their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter (being unable to read English).

In my humble ! opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002 The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your answering machine, I am sending this response to your office via another government organization - the USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
The University of Texas at: Austin
Office Community Relations/Accounting unit
P.O. Box 7367
Austin, TX 78713

 

[Comentarista82]

Dam great reply!



ROBOT FOR SALE:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

 

[Comentarista82]

In honor of a previous "Little Johnny" joke...

The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

 

[Handley_Page]

So, What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

And, What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

 

[Comentarista82]

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."