More Humour

[MahoganyAngel]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a television program regarding psychology which explained the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of malarkey. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "Out of all your friends, you have the largest penis."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Old man and woman are sitting on the sofa sharing the Sunday paper. He's reading the sports section while she's ready the Parade magazine insert.

Out of nowhere, the wife rolls up her magazine and whacks her husband across the side of the head. "What was that for?" he cried out.

"Fifty years of bad sex!" she huffs, going back to her magazine reading.

A moment later, the husband whacks her back. "What was that for?" she cries out.

"Ever knowing the difference," he said.

 

[Handley_Page]

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all
when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[Doctor Joe]

MahoganyAngel, I'm loving your last two jokes! Thanks

 

[Handley_Page]

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back."

She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!


Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.

 

[mynameisben]

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back."

She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!


Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.

This is not so much a joke as it is a real slice of life.

 

[Handley_Page]

This is not so much a joke as it is a real slice of life.

Sad, innit ?


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he
had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

[Hypoxia]

So now it's Polack jokes? Punchlines: Ring around the Adriatic. Burnt his lips on the tailpipe. The one with braided underarm hair. All aimed inward. One, and two, and another, and another. It chips their teeth. I think that's the canonical set.

I prefer ethnic humor involving extinct ethnic groups so nobody alive can be insulted. How many Tasmanians does it take... ? None; they're extinct. Did you hear about the Carib... ? Naw, forget it. Go for musicians instead.

Q: What's the difference between a mandolin player and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How do you get an mandolin player off your front step?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a mandolin player and a certificate of deposit?
A: The CD will eventually mature and make money.

Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play mandolin but doesn't.

Q: What does a mandolin player use for birth control?
A: Personality.

Q: How do you make a banjo player’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.

Q: What phrase will you never hear?
A: Look at that banjo player's Ferrari!

Q: What's the hardest part of being a banjo player?
A: Learning to live alone.

Q: What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
A: His amp.

 

[Handley_Page]

This happened at The University of Western Ontario. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen, which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Q: What do you call a musician with health insurance?
A: Married.

Q: What do you call a dozen banjos sitting in a dumpster?
A: A damn good start!

Q: How do you tune a banjo?
A: Nobody knows.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

This thread is the cheerup medicine.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Ele-phun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees
There aren't any elephants in cherry trees!
- See? It works!


How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, of course, but it's gotta be one hell of a big light bulb.


And not so much a joke,but a proverb
- When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

How many parents does it take to change a light bulb?

Parents can't change a light bulb all by themselves. It takes a village to change a light bulb.

 

[jehoram]

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two men were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking woman over there… isn’t she hideous? I think she must be the most unattractive woman I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my wife!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”
To which the unfortunate husband replied, “You’re sorry…?”

 

[Hypoxia]

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer.

Oboe vs bassoon. Soprano vs baritone 'ukuleles. 8-track carts vs DVDs.

Q: What's the difference between a tenor and an orca?
A: Fifty pounds and a tuxedo.

"Mother, I want to grow up and be a musician."
"Pick one or the other, child; you can't do both."

Q: What did the drummer get on their IQ test?
A: Saliva.

Q: Why did the banjo player hang a capo on his rear view mirror?
A: So he could park in handicapped spaces.

Difference between a lead singer and a savings bond: the bond matures.

Ultimate optimist: an accordionist with a pager.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I was arrested by the Grammar Police today.

I was handed a long sentence.

 

[Handley_Page]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is::
"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees
There aren't any elephants in cherry trees!
- See? It works!

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: From standing beneath too many cherry trees.

 

[Handley_Page]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees
There aren't any elephants in cherry trees!
- See? It works!

And not so much a joke,but a proverb
- When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.

It's also the reason that Crocodiles are long & flat.

 

[Javahead]

It's also the reason that Crocodiles are long & flat.

It’s just revenge for what the croc did to the Elephant’s Child’s nose ...

 

[Handley_Page]

The teacher asks, "Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded,"That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'toilet' at the table."

"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?

So they can bounce up into the trees to rape the monkeys.

What sound do monkeys dread most?

Boing, boing...

 

[Handley_Page]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? The definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or... are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arseand having the balls to say: "You're next..."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

 

[jehoram]

Oldie but goodie:

What's the difference between Jello and a Jewish Princess?

Jello moves when you eat it.