More Humour

[Handley_Page]

The Rodeo Position

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

 

[Learin]

https://pics.awwmemes.com/r-askreddit-u-cram-bone-9h-teachers-of-reddit-whats-the-funniest-42086034.png

 

[Handley_Page]

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer secretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A big breasted blonde takes an unassigned seat in First Class on a flight. When the person who is ticketed for that seat objects, she flips her hair and says, "I'm pretty. I'm a blonde. I can sit anywhere I want."

The disgruntled passenger complains to a flight attendant who tries to explain to the blonde that she must move to her assigned seat or the plane cannot take off. The blonde flips her hair and replies, "I'm pretty. I'm blonde. I can sit wherever I want."

Without all the passengers seated in their assigned seats, the flight attendant notifies the pilot that he cannot take off. He asks why and she explains the situation. The pilot replies, "I'll talk to her."

Leaving the cockpit, he visits with the blonde for a few moments. Miraculously, the blonde stands up, apologizes to the flight attendant and the disgruntled first-class passenger before heading to her assigned seat in coach.

"Captain, that was amazing," said the flight attendant. "How did you get her to move?"

"Easy," smirked the pilot. "I told her the first-class section wasn't going all the way to Atlanta."

 

[mynameisben]

"Easy," smirked the pilot. "I told her the first-class section wasn't going all the way to Atlanta."

Wait. How is that possible?

 

[Handley_Page]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, bu t damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

 

[Sammael Bard]

-deleted-

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walks into a bar........
'can I get a bacardi and coke'....
'yep', replies the barman and gives him an apple...
'what the fcuks this????'
'try it and see', replies the barman.
blokey takes a bite, 'this bit tastes like coke' he says to the barman...
'turn it around' says barman.
'christ, it tastes just like bacardi!!!!'

it goes on for a couple of hours, with blokey trying out varying combinations of drinks. When he eventually leaves the bar, and pretty pi##ed, he has one last go.

' ere, mate, ave you got anything that tastes like fanny????'
barman dutifully throws him an apple.

Man takes a massive bits out of the apple and promptly spits it out, 'that tastes just like sh1t'

'try turning the apple around mate'......................

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A man walks into a bar........
'can I get a bacardi and coke'....
'yep', replies the barman and gives him an apple...
'what the fcuks this????'
'try it and see', replies the barman.
blokey takes a bite, 'this bit tastes like coke' he says to the barman...
'turn it around' says barman.
'christ, it tastes just like bacardi!!!!'

it goes on for a couple of hours, with blokey trying out varying combinations of drinks. When he eventually leaves the bar, and pretty pi##ed, he has one last go.

' ere, mate, ave you got anything that tastes like fanny????'
barman dutifully throws him an apple.

Man takes a massive bits out of the apple and promptly spits it out, 'that tastes just like sh1t'

'try turning the apple around mate'......................

For the American's in the audience who might not know, in the UK, pussy is often referred to as "fanny" instead of pussy.

Similar joke as I heard it.

A smiling man visits his banker for a small business loan carrying a boxful of cookies. He proudly announces, "I've done it! I've created a cookie tastes exactly like pussy!"

Skeptical, the bank bites into one of the cookies and immediate spits it out. "This tastes like crap!"

"Turn it over," says the man.

Thanks for reminding me of it, Handley!

 

[Handley_Page]

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

 

[Handley_Page]

UK Servicemen posted to foreign parts used to travel by RAF transport. Those posted to the Far East went “down the Route” and it was quite a trip. At times, it wasn’t much fun for the crew either.

After a particularly spooky run into Singapore , with a failed Air Conditioner, record high temperatures and tempers frayed, the Pilot managed to put the blighter down in roughly the right spot and said to his mate “What I need now is a cold beer and a hot woman.”

Unfortunately for him, the intercom was still on and this understandable emotion was heard by the hoard of passengers, who roared with laughter. As a very flustered young Airwoman sped up the gangway to the Cockpit, she was stopped by a smiling Sergeant:

“Got the cold beer, love?”

 

[TarnishedPenny]

From the BBC. I couldn’t pass this up.

https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/5C93/production/_108799632_sarah-skinner_grab-life-by-the-_00003735.jpg

 

[JamesMiehoff]

Definition of a salesman: A guy that can make his wife feel bad for the woman who lost her bra in his car.

James

 

[Handley_Page]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do
you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft,
fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon
giffs a phuk."

 

[JamesMiehoff]

More elephant jokes:

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when suddenly he fell into a hole. "Help!" he yelled. A mouse heard his cry for help and came running. When the mouse finally made it to the elephant, the elephant said, "Please Mr. Mouse, if you save me I'll be your best friend forever." The mouse agreed, and told the elephant to wait just a second. The mouse came back in his Corvette, tied a rope around the elephant, and pulled him out.

A few days later the mouse was walking through the jungle when all of a sudden, he fell into a hole. The mouse yelled for help, and soon that same elephant that he had saved just a few days earlier came to the rescue. The mouse said to the elephant, "Remember me? I'm that same mouse that saved you from a hole. Could you please help me?" The elephant agreed to help him. The elephant did not have a corvette so he just dropped his penis down in the hole. The mouse climbed up the elephant's penis and was safe.

The moral of a story, if you have a big dick, you don't need a Corvette.

----

A lady elephant had a thorn stuck I the bottom of her foot. There was no way to get it out. A male mouse stepped up and offered to take the thorn out for her, but in return she had to let him fuck her. (The mouse had delusions of grandeur).

The elephant rolled her eyes but agreed. A few minutes later the mouse had removed the thorn and climbed up on her, took out his little mouse dick and proceeds to fuck the elephant.

The monkey in the tree sees this and laughs so hard he drops his coconut and it hits the lady elephant in the head. "Goddammit that hurts," she blurts out.

"Oh yeah," says the mouse, "Just wait until you take it all bitch."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

More elephant jokes:

You triggered these, so all groans are YOUR fault!

Q: What's long, green, and hangs from trees in the jungle?

A: Elephant snot.



Q: How can you tell elephants have been having sex in your backyard?

A: All your trash can liners are missing.


Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagon Bug?

A: Five


Q: How do you fit five elephants in a Volkswagon Bug?

A: Easy, two in the front, three in the back.


Q: What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill?

A: "Oh look, elephants coming over the hill!:


Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark sunglasses?

A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

(Personally, I love the flaming ducks joke!)

 

[UsuallyPresent]

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but it has to be a huge lightbulb.

 

[Handley_Page]

At The Pearly Gates

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."

 

[beachbum1958]

Q. Why does the bride always smile as she walks down the aisle?
A. Because she knows she's given her last ever blowjob

Q. What do KFC and good sex have in common?
A. After you've finished with the breast and the thighs, you've got a greasy box to put your bone into

Q. How do you make your wife scream during sex?
A. Call her up and tell her about it

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly
A. Kick his sister in the jaw

Q. What's the difference between hungry and horny?
A. Where you stick the cucumber

Q. What's the difference between and oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste...

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q. How do you seperate the men from the boys in a monastery?
A. With a pry-bar

Q. What do you call a woman who's paralysed from the waist down?
A. Married

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I don’t want to brag, but...


When I get naked in the bathroom...


The shower gets turned on.

 

[Handley_Page]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Privates1stClass]

Question: Why do policeman have bigger balls than firemen?

Answer: They sell more tickets.

 

[Handley_Page]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied

 

[Rustyoznail]

And one for HP...

My Grandma always said you should always take things with a pinch of salt.

Lovely lady, but made a terrible cup of tea...

 

[Handley_Page]

And one for HP...

My Grandma always said you should always take things with a pinch of salt.
Lovely lady, but made a terrible cup of tea...

Gazing at the new range of chocolate in my local store I came across 'salted caramel'.
Quite why anyone would put salt on that sweet is bit of a mystery to me.


Before Trans World Airlines was merged into American it branded silly things (like Mc Donald's and Amtrak does).

So the stewardess said to the passenger "would you care for some TWA-coffee?"

"No," said the passenger, "but I would like some TWA-tea."