More Humour

[jehoram]

When Mark Twain was asked about the death of a person he didn't like very much, he replied, "I did not attend his funeral, but I sent the family a very nice letter saying that I approved of it."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3 AM.
His wife says, "Answer the door!".
So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".
The man says, "It's 3 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door.
He goes back to bed.
And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside.
The guy was nowhere to be seen.
He hollered, "Do you still need help?" "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"
Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."
The man says, "Where are you?"
The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"

 

[Rustyoznail]

I bought a Christmas tree today.

The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room....

 

[Handley_Page]

A big breasted blonde takes an unassigned seat in First Class on a flight. When the person who is ticketed for that seat objects, she flips her hair and says, "I'm pretty. I'm a blonde. I can sit anywhere I want."

The disgruntled passenger complains to a flight attendant who tries to explain to the blonde that she must move to her assigned seat or the plane cannot take off. The blonde flips her hair and replies, "I'm pretty. I'm blonde. I can sit wherever I want."

Without all the passengers seated in their assigned seats, the flight attendant notifies the pilot that he cannot take off. He asks why and she explains the situation. The pilot replies, "I'll talk to her."

Leaving the cockpit, he visits with the blonde for a few moments. Miraculously, the blonde stands up, apologizes to the flight attendant and the disgruntled first-class passenger before heading to her assigned seat in coach.

"Captain, that was amazing," said the flight attendant. "How did you get her to move?"

"Easy," smirked the pilot. "I told her the first-class section wasn't going all the way to Atlanta."

 

[JackLuis]

A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him.

She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?".

He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey".

The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.

She says "well that doesnt sound so bad".

"It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".

 

[Handley_Page]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a television program regarding psychology which explained the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of malarkey. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "Out of all your friends, you have the largest penis."

 

[JamesMiehoff]

A man found a bottle on the shore and when he pulled the cork out, a genie appeared. The genie announced that he was here to grant any three wishes, but he must grant twice as much to the man's mortal enemy. The man thought for a minute and then agreed to the genie's terms.

The genie waved his hand and the man's mortal enemy appeared. The two shot daggers at each other from their eyes until the genie spoke, "So what is your first wish?"

The man spoke clearly and decisively and said, "I want so much money that I will never run out of it in my lifetime."

The genie waved his hand and said, "Done."

The man looked at his bank account on his smartphone and was amazed to see all the zeros.

His enemy was doing the same and called out, "Thanks a lot sucker. Now I am twice as rich as you are."

The genie spoke again, "So what is your second wish?"

Putting his smartphone away, the man again spoke clearly and decisively, "I want the most beautiful and horny woman who will always love me for my wife."

The genie waved his hand and the most beautiful woman appeared by his side. She immediately dropped to her knees, pulled his swimsuit down and began fellating him on the spot.

His enemy could no longer taunt the man because his eyes were rolling into the back of his head as two unbelievably beautiful women were servicing him.

The genie spoke again, "So what is your last wish?"

The man stopped his woman momentarily and commanded the genie with a smile, "I would like my life expectancy cut in half."


James

 

[Handley_Page]

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail, ya fool!"

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

[Handley_Page]

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f-ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!"

===========

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[jehoram]

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

I heard another story about an "unknown pilot" (maybe here). There was a Lufthansa plane flying from Hamburg to Munich. When it asked the Munich flight tower for landing clearance, he made the request in German. The tower responded with "Please state your request in English" ... the language of international flight.

The pilot protested. Switching to English, he said, "Look, I'm a German pilot, flying for a German airline, flying from one German city to another German city. Why should I be speaking English instead of German?"

And an answer came from another pilot who was listening in on the frequency:

"Because you lost the bloody war, bloke!"

 

[oggbashan]

An eldrely pilot flies to Berlin.
An elderly pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway. So he panics, stops the engine, and a massive jam builds up.

The trafic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

The pilot answers, "I did a few times in 1944, but it was dark, and anyway we didn't land".

 

[oggbashan]

A white woman, an asian woman, and a black woman are seated next to each other on a plane...

The pilot announces that they've lost the engines and instructs the passengers to prepare for a crash landing. Panic erupts on the plane as it begins to rapidly descend. The white lady quickly gets out her purse and starts touching up her make-up. The other two women asked 'What are you doing?' to which she replied 'If we survive the crash, the rescuers will see my beauty and save me first.' Then the asian woman gets an idea. She unbuttons her blouse and removes her bra.

The other two women asked her what she was doing, to which she replied 'If we survive the crash, the rescuers will see my bare breasts and want to save me first.'

Finally, the black woman removes her skirt and panties, and opens her legs. The other two women ask 'What are you doing?' to which she replies 'Fools, everyone knows the first thing they be looking for is that little black box!'

 

[UsuallyPresent]

A man found a bottle on the shore and when he pulled the cork out, a genie appeared. The genie announced that he was here to grant any three wishes, but he must grant twice as much to the man's mortal enemy. The man thought for a minute and then agreed to the genie's terms.

-snippity-

The genie spoke again, "So what is your last wish?"

The man stopped his woman momentarily and commanded the genie with a smile, "I would like my life expectancy cut in half."


James

The punchline I've heard for this one was, "I wish to loose half of all I've gained."

 

[Handley_Page]

An eldrely pilot flies to Berlin.
An elderly pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway. So he panics, stops the engine, and a massive jam builds up.

The trafic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

The pilot answers, "I did a few times in 1944, but it was dark, and anyway we didn't land".

I heard a slightly different ending:

Pilot: "You see that pile of rubble over there ?"
Staff: " Yes but what has that to do with it?"
Pilot: "I think I was the one who made it "

 

[Handley_Page]

Tried to explain to a graduate student, who was a few days from graduating, that she didn't have to take her BMW to the dealer because the water stopped coming out of the windshield wipers.
She could buy a bottle of fluid for like $1-$2 and just refill it.
She bought the bottle of fluid at an auto parts store and poured it into the gas tank.

 

[Hypoxia]

The punchline I've heard for this one was, "I wish to loose half of all I've gained."

I recently saw a version that explains persistent Russian economic woes -- guys would rather punish their enemies than reward themselves.

Ivan goes to heaven.

{JHWH} says, "Ivan, you've always been my great champion. I'll grant you a wish, anything you want. But your enemy Josip has also been my great champion. Whatever you wish for, he will get twice."

Ivan thinks, and says, "Lord, take one of my testicles."

No, it's not funny.

What's funny? [/me wracks alleged brains] Banjos are funny. Or tragic.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

I heard a slightly different ending:

Pilot: "You see that pile of rubble over there ?"
Staff: " Yes but what has that to do with it?"
Pilot: "I think I was the one who made it "

True story. Will and I were at Gare Du Nord, Paris, waiting to go through Customs off the Eurostar Train, and an elderly Englishman was getting a little flustered at the Parisian flunkey's attitude, especially his unceasingly rude demands to see the old gentleman's passport. The old man tried to make light of it while he searched his pockets, commenting that the last time he came to France he hadn't needed his passport. The train flunkey kind of sneered at him and said something like that cannot be true, we always require a passport from you English, and the old man replied ' that's probably true, but then the last time I came to France, even if I'd had my passport, it was 1944 and there wasn't a single Frenchman in sight to show it to...'

 

[Handley_Page]

An elderly man in North Maine had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.


He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

I heard another story about an "unknown pilot" (maybe here). There was a Lufthansa plane flying from Hamburg to Munich. When it asked the Munich flight tower for landing clearance, he made the request in German. The tower responded with "Please state your request in English" ... the language of international flight.

The pilot protested. Switching to English, he said, "Look, I'm a German pilot, flying for a German airline, flying from one German city to another German city. Why should I be speaking English instead of German?"

And an answer came from another pilot who was listening in on the frequency:

"Because you lost the bloody war, bloke!"

Similar vein: Hubby told me about a time he was on some kind of NATO junket in Paris, at a reception, and he was having drinks with an Australian colonel, a Canadian general, an American Three-Star, a British colonel, a British Admiral, and a French colonel. The Frenchman was complaining about the fact they were in Paris, yet everyone, including himself, had to converse in English.

"Why should this be so?" he moaned, and the British Admiral leaned over and said 'we hold these discussions in English because everyone here made sure you didn't have to hold them in German, now shut up!"

 

[colddiesel]

True story. Will and I were at Gare Du Nord, Paris, waiting to go through Customs off the Eurostar Train, and an elderly Englishman was getting a little flustered at the Parisian flunkey's attitude, especially his unceasingly rude demands to see the old gentleman's passport. The old man tried to make light of it while he searched his pockets, commenting that the last time he came to France he hadn't needed his passport. The train flunkey kind of sneered at him and said something like that cannot be true, we always require a passport from you English, and the old man replied ' that's probably true, but then the last time I came to France, even if I'd had my passport, it was 1944 and there wasn't a single Frenchman in sight to show it to...'

Cruel fact. Even the museum of D Day at Arromanches records that there were more Poles and Norwegians on the Beaches on D Day than Frenchmen.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I recently saw a version that explains persistent Russian economic woes -- guys would rather punish their enemies than reward themselves.

Ivan goes to heaven.

{JHWH} says, "Ivan, you've always been my great champion. I'll grant you a wish, anything you want. But your enemy Josip has also been my great champion. Whatever you wish for, he will get twice."

Ivan thinks, and says, "Lord, take one of my testicles."

No, it's not funny.

What's funny? [/me wracks alleged brains] Banjos are funny. Or tragic.

Q: How do you tune a banjo?

A: Nobody knows.



Q: What do you call a banjo player with health insurance?"

A: Married.



Q: What do you call a dozen broken banjos?

A: A darn good start!

 

[Ziggins]

She said "Screw me and make it hurt" so I audited her taxes.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I recently saw a version that explains persistent Russian economic woes -- guys would rather punish their enemies than reward themselves.

Ivan goes to heaven.

{JHWH} says, "Ivan, you've always been my great champion. I'll grant you a wish, anything you want. But your enemy Josip has also been my great champion. Whatever you wish for, he will get twice."

Ivan thinks, and says, "Lord, take one of my testicles."

No, it's not funny.

What's funny? [/me wracks alleged brains] Banjos are funny. Or tragic.

Banjo - Charles Schulz

Banjo - Steve Martin

 

[Handley_Page]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know him."

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Cruel fact. Even the museum of D Day at Arromanches records that there were more Poles and Norwegians on the Beaches on D Day than Frenchmen.

Give it some thought, Diesel.

Did you know that there were more Italians than Filipinos in MacArthur's command when he returned to the Philippines? Any idea why?

There were also more American Indians than Arabs in the allied forces that landed in North Africa. Any idea why?

As a not cruel note, the Frenchmen didn't have to land on the beaches; they were already behind the German lines. They were very busy in the Resistance, doing their part to liberate their country.