When I was in the army I spent three years at Fort Hood, Texas. It was the longest ten years of my life.
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When I was in the army I spent three years at Fort Hood, Texas. It was the longest ten years of my life.
SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
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- Oct 23, 2009
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My mother spent part of her childhood in Barry. My first memory of a leisure beach (with sand and ice creams and stuff) was of Barry Island. I must have been four or five at the time. When I went back in my early 20s, it had changed. Oh well.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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.
a leisure beach (with sand and ice creams and stuff)
It my case it was Weston-super-Mare.
== + == + == +
'Health' Service Answering Machine Message
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:
If you are an Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, get someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, & 6
If you are paranoid, We know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line while we trace the call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which button to press
If you are a manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press; nobody will answer
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969
If you have some sort of nervous disorder, fidget with the Hash # key until a representative answers you
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address and telephone number
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9
If you have low self-esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
=======================
Lori_the_Hoosier
Dhampyre
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- Dec 1, 2012
- Posts
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The Best Lies to Tell Small Children
When I was your age, Weetabix came in eight different shapes.
Kangaroos are actually mice that are REALLY close up.
A large slice of ham, when slotted into a DVD, will play a short film about pigs.
One in ten fish are afraid of water.
Mice collect your dandruff while you are sleeping. They then eat it for breakfast, like cornflakes.
Every square has a fifth side, but you won't see it unless you stare very, very hard for a long time.
Once upon a time, a tooth fairy went to get one of Dracula's fangs, but Dracula's castle was really dark and she ended up cutting herself on the fang by mistake, and ever since then she's been a blood sucking vampire tooth fairy killing machine, and lived happily ever after...., goodnight.
If you want to wake up Daddy, hit him right on the zipper.
If you bathe the dog in fabric softener, he comes out all fluffy
If you feed the dog pizza he'll bark in Italian
Cat poos contain rare trace elements that can be used in medicine. This makes them very valuable. Collect them with tongs and when you've got fifty, take them to your Doctor who will pay you $10.
There are little fairies in traffic light poles who switch the lights from red to green. Never make the fairy angry, or she won't turn the light for you. Give her your biggest, brightest smile and don't forget to say "thank you" when you get to the other side of the street.
If you spin round really fast and then stop, your face will skid round to the back of your head.
Santa is the world's largest supplier of venison.
If you hold your fart long enough, then sit on a wooden chair, and then fart, you could split it down the middle. Your uncle did that many times. People would bet him money for it. That is how he got rich.
Before you were born, the world didn't have any colour, we only had black and white (Which explains all those old black and white photographs.)
Sweetie, Daddy brought some Keepmehere from a store, run and find him and tell him to give you some.
I know when you break something. I have mommy eyes in the back of my head. I see everything.
Eggs talk to each other after you shut the fridge door
Don’t point. It puts holes in the air. If you swallow the holes you’ll get hiccups.
Say gullible backwards and it sounds like orange
Every time Daddy farts a puppy dies
The dog was raised by wolves and when the moon is full he turns into one
Fruit feels pain
Banging on pots and pans while Grandad is trying to nap is a good way to get him to tell you a story.
Cats eat broccoli and then poo it out as sprouts
French people eat croissants and poo baguettes
All monkeys can speak Spanish; they learn it in Iceland, where they live on wild pineapples
When you fall asleep, the neighbors’ cat comes into your room and spits in your mouth, and all that crusty stuff in your eyes in the morning? That’s dried-up cat-sick
Kitty Litter tastes like Rice Krispies
Yellow snow is the best kind to play with
Granny is really an Orc, and she’s just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can get you...
Mommy made you under the bed with all the other Goblins who live there
When I was your age, Weetabix came in eight different shapes.
Kangaroos are actually mice that are REALLY close up.
A large slice of ham, when slotted into a DVD, will play a short film about pigs.
One in ten fish are afraid of water.
Mice collect your dandruff while you are sleeping. They then eat it for breakfast, like cornflakes.
Every square has a fifth side, but you won't see it unless you stare very, very hard for a long time.
Once upon a time, a tooth fairy went to get one of Dracula's fangs, but Dracula's castle was really dark and she ended up cutting herself on the fang by mistake, and ever since then she's been a blood sucking vampire tooth fairy killing machine, and lived happily ever after...., goodnight.
If you want to wake up Daddy, hit him right on the zipper.
If you bathe the dog in fabric softener, he comes out all fluffy
If you feed the dog pizza he'll bark in Italian
Cat poos contain rare trace elements that can be used in medicine. This makes them very valuable. Collect them with tongs and when you've got fifty, take them to your Doctor who will pay you $10.
There are little fairies in traffic light poles who switch the lights from red to green. Never make the fairy angry, or she won't turn the light for you. Give her your biggest, brightest smile and don't forget to say "thank you" when you get to the other side of the street.
If you spin round really fast and then stop, your face will skid round to the back of your head.
Santa is the world's largest supplier of venison.
If you hold your fart long enough, then sit on a wooden chair, and then fart, you could split it down the middle. Your uncle did that many times. People would bet him money for it. That is how he got rich.
Before you were born, the world didn't have any colour, we only had black and white (Which explains all those old black and white photographs.)
Sweetie, Daddy brought some Keepmehere from a store, run and find him and tell him to give you some.
I know when you break something. I have mommy eyes in the back of my head. I see everything.
Eggs talk to each other after you shut the fridge door
Don’t point. It puts holes in the air. If you swallow the holes you’ll get hiccups.
Say gullible backwards and it sounds like orange
Every time Daddy farts a puppy dies
The dog was raised by wolves and when the moon is full he turns into one
Fruit feels pain
Banging on pots and pans while Grandad is trying to nap is a good way to get him to tell you a story.
Cats eat broccoli and then poo it out as sprouts
French people eat croissants and poo baguettes
All monkeys can speak Spanish; they learn it in Iceland, where they live on wild pineapples
When you fall asleep, the neighbors’ cat comes into your room and spits in your mouth, and all that crusty stuff in your eyes in the morning? That’s dried-up cat-sick
Kitty Litter tastes like Rice Krispies
Yellow snow is the best kind to play with
Granny is really an Orc, and she’s just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can get you...
Mommy made you under the bed with all the other Goblins who live there
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BobbyBrandt
Virgin Wannabe
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- Apr 7, 2014
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- 2,323
Smart Ass Responses for Dummies
Q: How are you?
A: Fine. Why? What have you heard?
Q: May I help you?
A: Uh, what makes you think I need help? Have you been talking to my therapist? He lies, they all lie.
Q: What can I get for you?
A: Do you make balloon animals? I would like a giraffe if you do.
Q: Would you like anything for dessert?
A: Yes, please. I would like a cherry lollipop
Q: Good morning…
A: Geez, I know it’s morning already. I’ve already taken my medication so you don’t need to remind me.
Q: How are you?
A: Fine. Why? What have you heard?
Q: May I help you?
A: Uh, what makes you think I need help? Have you been talking to my therapist? He lies, they all lie.
Q: What can I get for you?
A: Do you make balloon animals? I would like a giraffe if you do.
Q: Would you like anything for dessert?
A: Yes, please. I would like a cherry lollipop
Q: Good morning…
A: Geez, I know it’s morning already. I’ve already taken my medication so you don’t need to remind me.
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 18, 2011
- Posts
- 3,266
Those are fun. Apparently, among my friends and family, I'm well known for my snappy comebacks to those moronic courtesy questions we get asked every day.
***
When leaving a shop and being told, "Have a nice day!"
"I'll do my part!" or "I'm doing what I can, if only everyone else would go along with MY idea of a good day."
***
If told, "If you have any questions, just ask me" or similar:
"Cool. Say, what's the square root of 2?" or "Sure, can I borrow ten dollars?"
***
Depending on where you are in America, shop clerks at the checkout will often ask, "Did you find everything okay?"
"Yes, I found everything . . . okay."
***
If asked to make an inconsequential choice, such as "Paper or plastic?"
"I'm easy. It's how I got married." (I'm a man, which is why that's funny.)
***
Similarly, clerks will often "Anything else?"
My typical response, "Nope, this makes my life complete. I may never want again."
***
That last one especially bothers me if I've popped into a convenience store for a cup of coffee or beverage. It's the ONLY thing on the counter, despite an entire store of other choices, I've clearly selected just the one item.
Recently, the clerk stuck on auto-pilot dutifully asked, "Anything else?" and received my typical reply, which typically receives a smile from the cashier. However, this particular cashier looked rough, like a former meth-head who somehow got a job. She didn't appear or sound very bright, as if even the simplest task required work from all of her remaining brain cells.
My witty little line received zero reaction from her. It clearly went over her head. As I turned to the door, I remembered thinking how that had been waste of a witty comment.
As my hand touched the exit door, I heard her softly say, "You'll be back."
Perfect response! I smiled all the way back to my car!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
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A man found a bottle on the shore and when he pulled the cork out, a genie appeared. The genie announced that he was here to grant any three wishes, but he must grant twice as much to the man's mortal enemy. The man thought for a minute and then agreed to the genie's terms.
The genie waved his hand and the man's mortal enemy appeared. The two shot daggers at each other from their eyes until the genie spoke, "So what is your first wish?"
The man spoke clearly and decisively and said, "I want so much money that I will never run out of it in my lifetime."
The genie waved his hand and said, "Done."
The man looked at his bank account on his smartphone and was amazed to see all the zeros.
His enemy was doing the same and called out, "Thanks a lot sucker. Now I am twice as rich as you are."
The genie spoke again, "So what is your second wish?"
Putting his smart phone away, the man again spoke clearly and decisively, "I want the most beautiful and horny woman who will always love me for my wife."
The genie waved his hand and the most beautiful woman appeared by his side. She immediately dropped to her knees, pulled his swimsuit down and began fellating him on the spot.
His enemy could no longer taunt the man because his eyes were rolling into the back of his head as two unbelievably beautiful women were servicing him.
The genie spoke again, "So what is your last wish?"
The man stopped his woman momentarily and commanded the genie with a smile, "I would like my life expectancy cut in half."##
The genie waved his hand and the man's mortal enemy appeared. The two shot daggers at each other from their eyes until the genie spoke, "So what is your first wish?"
The man spoke clearly and decisively and said, "I want so much money that I will never run out of it in my lifetime."
The genie waved his hand and said, "Done."
The man looked at his bank account on his smartphone and was amazed to see all the zeros.
His enemy was doing the same and called out, "Thanks a lot sucker. Now I am twice as rich as you are."
The genie spoke again, "So what is your second wish?"
Putting his smart phone away, the man again spoke clearly and decisively, "I want the most beautiful and horny woman who will always love me for my wife."
The genie waved his hand and the most beautiful woman appeared by his side. She immediately dropped to her knees, pulled his swimsuit down and began fellating him on the spot.
His enemy could no longer taunt the man because his eyes were rolling into the back of his head as two unbelievably beautiful women were servicing him.
The genie spoke again, "So what is your last wish?"
The man stopped his woman momentarily and commanded the genie with a smile, "I would like my life expectancy cut in half."##
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Q: What’s the difference between picnic and panic?
A: 28 days.
A: 28 days.
SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
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- Oct 23, 2009
- Posts
- 38,862
With Covid and redundancies and all the other bad stuff, the local odd-job man was finding it difficult to find jobs. Nobody had any money. Well, not nobody. The folk living over on Billionaire’s Row still seemed to be pretty flush, so he hitched a ride over there and started knocking on doors.
The first man to answer said: ‘No. Sorry. I already have my own people to do everything that I need.’
‘There must be something,’ the odd-job man said.
‘Nope.’
‘Not even some little job?’
‘Well … the porch at the front of the guest cottage does need a coat of paint.’
‘I can do that,’ the odd-job man said. ‘Where’s the paint.’
‘You’ll find it on the bench in the garden shed. It’s a rather jolly shade of yellow. There should be a paint brush too.’
‘Done,’ said the odd-job man.
Half an hour later the odd-job man was back. ‘Done,’ he said (for the second time).
‘Already?’
‘Didn’t take long.’
‘OK,’ the billionaire said. ‘Let me go and find you some money.’
‘Oh, and by the way, that’s not actually a Porsche,’ the odd-job man told the billionaire. ‘It’s a Lamborghini.’
The first man to answer said: ‘No. Sorry. I already have my own people to do everything that I need.’
‘There must be something,’ the odd-job man said.
‘Nope.’
‘Not even some little job?’
‘Well … the porch at the front of the guest cottage does need a coat of paint.’
‘I can do that,’ the odd-job man said. ‘Where’s the paint.’
‘You’ll find it on the bench in the garden shed. It’s a rather jolly shade of yellow. There should be a paint brush too.’
‘Done,’ said the odd-job man.
Half an hour later the odd-job man was back. ‘Done,’ he said (for the second time).
‘Already?’
‘Didn’t take long.’
‘OK,’ the billionaire said. ‘Let me go and find you some money.’
‘Oh, and by the way, that’s not actually a Porsche,’ the odd-job man told the billionaire. ‘It’s a Lamborghini.’
Last edited:
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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It was the Spring of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!"
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!"
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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- Jan 7, 2020
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- 12,510
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Posts
- 78,287
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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- 3,266
Expecting a visit from the Bishop, the Mother Superior at the convent wanted the nuns under her charge to spruce up the old place with a new coat of paint.
The sisters were very frugal about taking care of their habits. Before painting their room, two sisters worried about getting white paint on their black habits until they came up with the idea of panting in the nude. After all, why not? It was just the two of them.
Midway through painting their room, there came a knock at the door. They froze and Sister Maria called out, "Who is it?"
"The blind man," came the reply.
The two sisters exchanged a glance, quick to reach the same conclusion. If the man was blind, they didn't need to risk getting paint on their habits.
Sister Maria swung open the door to their little sleeping chamber to a handsome man holding an armful of new blinds for their window. "Nice tits," he said with a big smile.
The sisters were very frugal about taking care of their habits. Before painting their room, two sisters worried about getting white paint on their black habits until they came up with the idea of panting in the nude. After all, why not? It was just the two of them.
Midway through painting their room, there came a knock at the door. They froze and Sister Maria called out, "Who is it?"
"The blind man," came the reply.
The two sisters exchanged a glance, quick to reach the same conclusion. If the man was blind, they didn't need to risk getting paint on their habits.
Sister Maria swung open the door to their little sleeping chamber to a handsome man holding an armful of new blinds for their window. "Nice tits," he said with a big smile.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily
"Oh Darling," says the wife, , "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily
"Oh Darling," says the wife, , "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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- Jan 7, 2020
- Posts
- 12,510
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone . He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot "Im gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"
Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error, stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her .. "Slow down love, he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"
Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error, stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her .. "Slow down love, he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"
Lori_the_Hoosier
Dhampyre
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2012
- Posts
- 4,633
Will joke, you have been warned!!!
Bernadette goes to confession because she's been a bad girl.
"Tell me your sins, child'" says Father Kelly.
"Well father, I went on a date with Mikey Farrell and I was bad"
"Oh really?" says Father Kelly, "what bad thing did you do?
"Well, Father, I let him pull my panties down, and...
"Yes, yes, go on..." pants Father Kelly
"Then I opened his trousers, father..."
"Yes, yes, and then what...?" moans Father Kelly
"Then I meddled with his thingy..." whispered Bernadette
"I don't understand what you mean, child, I think you'll need to show me..." groaned Father Kelly, so Bernadette climbs into the confessional with him, she pulls down her panties, and unzips his fly
"What else did you do, child?" groans father Kelly.
"I sat on his lap Father, and then his thingy went inside me..."
"Like...this...? " pants Father Kelly and she slides down him.
"Yes Father, just like that..." moans Bernadatte
"What...what happened next...?" quavers Father Kelly
"He called me a 'f*cking bitch', Father", wept Bernadette
"Why did he do that my sweet child?" asked Father Kelly.
"Because I gave him syphilis..."
"F*CKING BITCH!!!"
Bernadette goes to confession because she's been a bad girl.
"Tell me your sins, child'" says Father Kelly.
"Well father, I went on a date with Mikey Farrell and I was bad"
"Oh really?" says Father Kelly, "what bad thing did you do?
"Well, Father, I let him pull my panties down, and...
"Yes, yes, go on..." pants Father Kelly
"Then I opened his trousers, father..."
"Yes, yes, and then what...?" moans Father Kelly
"Then I meddled with his thingy..." whispered Bernadette
"I don't understand what you mean, child, I think you'll need to show me..." groaned Father Kelly, so Bernadette climbs into the confessional with him, she pulls down her panties, and unzips his fly
"What else did you do, child?" groans father Kelly.
"I sat on his lap Father, and then his thingy went inside me..."
"Like...this...? " pants Father Kelly and she slides down him.
"Yes Father, just like that..." moans Bernadatte
"What...what happened next...?" quavers Father Kelly
"He called me a 'f*cking bitch', Father", wept Bernadette
"Why did he do that my sweet child?" asked Father Kelly.
"Because I gave him syphilis..."
"F*CKING BITCH!!!"
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2020
- Posts
- 12,510
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
You stay here; I’ll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at
him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The
other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
You stay here; I’ll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at
him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The
other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2011
- Posts
- 3,266
I used to have a job circumcising elephants. The pay wasn't very good, but the tips sure were big!
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2020
- Posts
- 12,510
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop’s expense!
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please, sir.”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the bloody difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye have come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Now, ye English arsehole, do ye want me to stop completely, or just slow down?”
He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop’s expense!
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please, sir.”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the bloody difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye have come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Now, ye English arsehole, do ye want me to stop completely, or just slow down?”
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A corporation decided they wanted to have a summer costume party in their office building for the executives and their staff. Initially, everyone was told there would be an open bar, but after some debate the managing partners decided that would be a bad idea and nixed the bar. There was no alcohol, and that came as a shock to some of the employees.
"Hell, I only bothered to get dressed in this get-up for the free booze," one fellow grumped to his friends. "Let's get out of here. I think there's a bar across the street."
His friends readily agreed, and they took the elevator down to the lobby and crossed the street to march into the bar...in costume.
The bartender looked up, and watched a rabbi, a priest, a clown and a monkey walk in the door.
"Is this supposed to be a joke?" he barked.
"Hell, I only bothered to get dressed in this get-up for the free booze," one fellow grumped to his friends. "Let's get out of here. I think there's a bar across the street."
His friends readily agreed, and they took the elevator down to the lobby and crossed the street to march into the bar...in costume.
The bartender looked up, and watched a rabbi, a priest, a clown and a monkey walk in the door.
"Is this supposed to be a joke?" he barked.
Lori_the_Hoosier
Dhampyre
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2012
- Posts
- 4,633
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