My friend is an abuse victim interested in BDSM. Looking for advice.

[IrisAlthea]

I don't believe I criticized or judged her for not applying enough judgment. Nor did I even remotely imply any culpability on her part. I simply made an observation. We all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them which is greatly facilitated by talking about them. And perhaps if she feels more empowered and knowledgeable in how she applies judgment in the future she can gain confidence that the negative experiences of the past don't have to be part of the future.

We all have our own experiences. I have found that glossing over mistakes can be just as damaging as being harshly critical of them because both approaches impair our ability to learn from them. The best approach is a neutral and compassionate understanding and acceptance of our mistakes so that we can learn from them. I am sorry if my terminology did not project an adequate degree of compassion and understanding, but nor did it project the harsh criticism that you have presumed.

Further I agree that being dominant and being a selfish asshole are not mutually exclusive. Nothing in my message suggests they are. The point was that just because someone presents themselves as Dom does not mean they will be a good fit.

I'm thinking that in the situation DCL describes there may be no option to pass judgement at all.

 

[dreamykitten2]

It took me decades to get over the abuse I suffered.

That being said it also took me years to gain back my confidence and self esteem ! Once there I was finally comfortable in my own skin. This is very important because of that I was finally free enough to enjoy myself sexually.everyone heals differently. But she needs introspection and someone capable enough to have her see herself for who she is......... And guidance to who she wants to be. I hope her therapist is capable of helping her heal. Then she will be able to grow and flourish.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I'm thinking that in the situation DCL describes there may be no option to pass judgement at all.

There is a big difference between passing judgment and using our judgment.

We all use our (hopefully) good judgment every time we look both ways before we cross the street or choose to eat a healthy lunch. It is a phrase the refers to using our intelligence and experience to make good decisions.

Passing judgment implies sitting in judgment of others and condemning their actions.

You know very well I am referring to this young lady being better equipped in future to use good judgment in choosing her partners......not condemning her for past actions or decisions. The point was to take some positive learning out of negative experiences and build hope that the past need not determine the future.

 

[ultramarineblue]

That's true. That would be part of the "more" I could talk about. She has a therapist. She feels she opens up more to friends. Her therapist listens but doesn't advise. She's clearly "in a rush" to move on, heal, explore. She's only now coming to terms with waiting things out a bit. I don't think she's done with therapy, but, aside from that, I'm looking for insight.

What brought you all to BDSM? Anyone here because of past abuse? How did you reconcile the past with your happy present?

She may need to find another therapist. I've seen a ton before I found the one that works for me. If she's interested in BDSM it should definitely be one kink friendly. That's easier said than to find though.

You've received a lot of good advice here. It is a good idea for her to learn how to be just friends with guys before exploring anything else. I agree with the person that stated she should be well before entering any type of relationship beyond friendship. That being said, research about BDSM might be helpful for her. Maybe she could read some of the threads here. It isn't just about sex even though that is an aspect. What does she hope to get from exploring this?

 

[IrisAlthea]

There is a big difference between passing judgment and using our judgment.

We all use our (hopefully) good judgment every time we look both ways before we cross the street or choose to eat a healthy lunch. It is a phrase the refers to using our intelligence and experience to make good decisions.

Passing judgment implies sitting in judgment of others and condemning their actions.

You know very well I am referring to this young lady being better equipped in future to use good judgment in choosing her partners......not condemning her for past actions or decisions. The point was to take some positive learning out of negative experiences and build hope that the past need not determine the future.

Ok, maybe I chose the wrong words, sorry!

My point is that she might not have had any choice or room to make decisions at all. That's not uncommon when we are talking about abuse and someone who at the time was very young.

I don't think I'm getting through here, so I'm not going to go on and on about it.

 

[SlutAddicted]

Ok, maybe I chose the wrong words, sorry!

My point is that she might not have had any choice or room to make decisions at all. That's not uncommon when we are talking about abuse and someone who at the time was very young.

I don't think I'm getting through here, so I'm not going to go on and on about it.

You are getting through, but we aren't in disagreement. I fully comprehend that her past experiences involved little if any room to make decisions. To the extent you and I are disagreeing I believe it is because you read the first line of my original post as being critical of her for those past decisions which is simply not the case. Beyond that one line I respectfully submit that you are not hearing me.

I see her as an innocent party who has been mistreated by men and circumstances. I just happen to believe that it is possible, prudent and empowering to reflect on past mistakes as a learning experience without having to be inherently critical of the person. My point has always been that if and when she can take some learning from that past she will be able to better equip herself in the future and therefore have some hope to break out of a bad cycle.

 

[Athalia]

I was also abused, although not as badly as she was. I had the same issues for a long time with physical contact. I also went through a phase where I truly, honestly believed that men were incapable of love (thank goodness I got over that), and I still have trouble trusting Dominant men. I also still have trouble believing that some men (and women) are friends with me for me, and not just because they want sex.

So, all of that said, I think that the advice already given about desensitization and independence is fantastic. I started moving on when I started living my own life, and building a wonderful network of caring, loving friends. I had a father figure who made it clear from the start that sex and romance between us was completely off-limits, and that helped a lot.

Hugging and talking with male friends also helped. In time, I slowly started desensitizing other things with my then-boyfriend. We moved very, very slowly. Any time I had a flashback or panic attack, we stopped and he hugged me and we watched a Disney movie or did something else completely innocuous.

I think the two most important things are a support network and self-confidence. It sounds like she's on her way to building both. There just need to be some people in her support network that are sexually completely off limits.

Making love may be one of the last things to come. (No pun intended.) It was for me. Patience, persistence, and support will help a lot with that. In the meantime, and this may sound silly, but masturbation helps a lot. It lets you reclaim control of your own body and your own pleasure. I know that I personally didn't realize I'd let that control slip away until I began regaining it.

I wish her (and you) the best of luck!

Kyla's experience parallels mine very closely. And I second everything she says about learning to regain trust and love.

One thing that bears mentioning is that while I consider myself "recovered" or "healed" in the sense that my history no longer dominates me, it's not a full healing, and probably will never be. It sometimes comes back when I least expect it ... it can be triggered by a sound, an aroma, a caress, or whatever. Now my reaction to that experience is no longer panic, but like:"Oh, so you're back. Now fuck off."

I sometimes feel like a person with an artificial leg. The original leg is gone and won't come back, but one learns to use the artificial one and regain a measure of independence and mobility, enough to deal with the world as it comes. It becomes the new "normal" and it's a damn sight better than not having an artificial leg at all.

Like Kyla, I wish you both the best of luck!

 

[808guy]

I’m my opinion she needs to do things for her. Workout, get stronger, do jiujitsu and feel confident in oneself. I don't think submissives are submissive. I’m not a fan of labels but a dom and sub, in my opinion, are equals or two sides of the same coin. The exploration of kink has to be done with the right individual that is willing to push but the use of your safeword stops everything. I’m not a therapist but definitely my thoughts is to get her focusing on her.