Need to see a different take on this......

[whitedove]

Hello all

I wonder if I have been thinking the wrong way about this all along.......please help by offering your opinions.

Some background:

I was in a long term internet relationship with a man whom I believed loved me. And I loved him in return, faults and all. However, he told me that it was in his nature to flirt, (after all, that's how we first met)....whether it be on the net or in person, with any female he saw fit to do so with. So even after we had established a very intense relationship, he continued to seek and gather email addresses from females, chat with them on cam and ask for them to send him explicit photos etc, phone or request them to call him and flirt outrageously in threads with anyone he felt like...knowing I would read them and be hurt by them. Now sometimes I think he was just fooling with me about all this and at other times he would tell me quite bluntly or I would find out through hearing it from the women involved.

He kept claiming I was just jealous and insecure, which I don't deny after he was so blatant in his efforts. This woud make him angry. Mind you, he DID tell me about a lot of these "encounters" himself, and I wonder if that was a way for him to justify them, you know like.......hey, I'm being honest with you here, what's the problem? Sort of thing.

Anyway, he gave me some serious grief over some phone conversations I had had with some internet friends that I didn't tell him about until later. I know, I should have told him straight away but didn't. However, those calls were simply ones of friendship, there was nothing sexual involved whatsoever, not even flirting. I later found out he had done the exact same thing and had NEVER told me. He was caught out and couldn't justify why he had done this and yet had called me a liar and said he couldn't trust me when I had told him about my calls with others.

I dunno, it sounds kinda highschoolish in some respects but we are both well beyond that.

So I guess what I want to know is the opinion of others here about this type of behaviour. I am not looking for any kind of sympathy or even empathy, actually I expect some of you will think me foolish for putting up with it for as long as I did.......I just need to know if I was being way too sensitive about his other internet liaisons or if it was reasonable to expect a man who claimed black and blue that he loved me, to be able to refrain from this relentless behaviour.

Sorry for the long post. Hopefully some of you will be able to give me some perspective on this. Thanks.

 

[midwestyankee]

A few quick thoughts. I'm sure others will chime in later with theirs as well.

Your post suggests that you had both agreed, at least to some extent, on some version of an open relationship. What I see in your post is a great deal of disappointment with his flirtatious ways and his unwillingness to allow you the same degree of openness that he expected you to give him. On top of that, you both were dishonest with each other on more than one occasion.

You say you two loved each other and yet you told us little in your post that showed how you gave that love - other than internet sex. What did you do to make him a happier man? What did he do to make you a happier woman? In what ways did either of you sacrifice for the other?

I'll be honest and tell you I think this was not a loving relationship and that it will die like a snowman in a Tennessee summer if you starve it of sex for a while.

 

[blondie74]

Generally, I tend to agree with what Midwestyankee said. It doesn't sound like there was a whole lot of substance to this relationship. I don't believe that people in a relationship have respect for one another if they continue with behavior that they know is hurtful to their partner.

I do not think you were being way too sensitive, I would have demanded it stop, if the person who was claiming to be my SO was engaging in such behavior. There is a huge difference between a little harmless flirting, and all of that other stuff that you mentioned.

 

[hook848]

It sounds like he lives for the chase. The excitement or challenge of getting close is what he likes. Once he's got it the thrill is gone and he moves on.

I have a relative like this. He's never satisfied. I can't count the wonderful women he's gone through. Its all about the chase. Sad but true.

Hook

 

[firefighter02]

He's an asshole..get rid of him...NOW!

 

[jocular_guy]

Imagination is the fuel...

I don't mean this as an insult, but it does sound high schoolish, and Internet relationships lends itself to that. The whole Internet relationship thing fascinates me in that imagination fills in so many blanks, and both ends seem to like that.

Some people get on for the excitement, it is like an orgy without the body fluids. I actually knew a married couple who couldn't wait to get home, go to their separate rooms in their house and chat away, it was so exciting. They are divorced right now.

Anyway, I think your friend enjoys the excitement of he and others filling in the blanks with their imagination. Now that you are "real" to him, the excitement is gone.

Maybe that helps, but maybe I am just using my imagination.

Good luck. Relationships are always a trip.

 

[knight88]

Hmmmmmm

After due and careful consideration:















DUMP THE BUM!!!!

 

[javagreen]

Re: Hmmmmmm

After due and careful consideration:















DUMP THE BUM!!!!

I concur!

 

[lovechild27]

GET RID OF HIM

this isnt NOT love...

 

[warrior queen]

did you ever meet in real life?

because if this was just a 'net' thing, then it was doomed to fail.
without making some kind of r/l connection at some stage, net relationships are pure fantasy.

and it's often the thrill of the fantasy that keeps net liasons alive, and as soon as a bigger/better/more appealing fantasy comes along, it's adios baby.

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: Imagination is the fuel...

I don't mean this as an insult, but it does sound high schoolish, and Internet relationships lends itself to that. The whole Internet relationship thing fascinates me in that imagination fills in so many blanks, and both ends seem to like that.

Internet relationships can be every bit as intense as real world relationships. At issue here isn't the fact that its an internet relationship. Its the fact that she assumed a relationship existed where in fact none did.

Any long distance relationship must make the transition from long to short if its to survive and thrive. I knew my wife for more than 6 months online before we met face to face. It was the right time to meet and the right time to take the relationship to another level. 10 years later and I'm still very much in love with her.

In the case of the original poster I saw nothing other than wishful thinking on her part to assume this was a valid relationship. There is no mention of face to face meetings. No mention of any plans to meet. And his behavior borders on infantile, both in his obvious quest for new conquests and his behavior towards her.

She should drop him like a hot potato.

If you're involved in a net romance, sooner or later the topic of meeting has to come up. By the time I met my wife for the first time it wasn't like meeting a stranger, it was like meeting a lover I hadn't seen in years. I looked forward to seeing her face to face. I'd say if the topic hasn't come up after a couple months, you need to give serious thoughts to getting involved with the person.

 

[warrior queen]

Re: Re: Imagination is the fuel...

Internet relationships can be every bit as intense as real world relationships. At issue here isn't the fact that its an internet relationship. Its the fact that she assumed a relationship existed where in fact none did.

Any long distance relationship must make the transition from long to short if its to survive and thrive. I knew my wife for more than 6 months online before we met face to face. It was the right time to meet and the right time to take the relationship to another level. 10 years later and I'm still very much in love with her.

In the case of the original poster I saw nothing other than wishful thinking on her part to assume this was a valid relationship. There is no mention of face to face meetings. No mention of any plans to meet. And his behavior borders on infantile, both in his obvious quest for new conquests and his behavior towards her.

She should drop him like a hot potato.

If you're involved in a net romance, sooner or later the topic of meeting has to come up. By the time I met my wife for the first time it wasn't like meeting a stranger, it was like meeting a lover I hadn't seen in years. I looked forward to seeing her face to face. I'd say if the topic hasn't come up after a couple months, you need to give serious thoughts to getting involved with the person.

that was my point, bobmi.
if a relationship stays purely on a net level for an extended period of time, with no thought/suggestion of taking it into real life, then it's pure fantasy on either one person's side, or both.

and therefor, doomed to failure.

 

[whitedove]

Firstly I'd like to thank everyone that has commented so far. All opinions are valid in my book. However, I didn't realise how such a short piece of information about a relationship could be "read" in so many different ways. It is impossible to relate to you the entire history of this relationship, nor shall I, but I do believe I need to clarify some points here.

The relationship lasted for almost 2 years. We first chatted as friends and things developed from there. I am a single mother with 3 young children and have custody issues to take into consideration. He is seperated, no kids and going through legal problems. Our main problem is that we live in different countries and that is the reason our real time meeting has been delayed. As our relationship progressed, we spoke on the phone at least once every day, we would email each other daily, chat on the computer when we could, send each other presents and things for Christmas/birthdays etc. He got to know my children who became quite attached to him, talking to him on the phone, sending him their drawings and cards and so on. We agreed to meet without the children first to see if we were compatible in person before making the move to him with the children whom he wanted to adopt, and if everything fell into place.....we were going to get married. He has a morbid fear of flying though and so told me it was "I" who had to got to him when we met. Needless to say, we never did get to meet.

Bobmi......Oh a relationship existed alright and as one who began his own marriage this way you do know the intensity an online relationship can develop into. My first post didn't go into that sort of detail. But how you described how you felt about meeting your online partner for the first time is virtually identical to how I feel.

Midwestyankee.........no, this was in NO WAY an open relationship. It was meant to be mutually exclusive and we BOTH knew this. I remained faithful the entire time in all respects as I truly believe he did too........in reality that is; his internet dealings I'm not so sure about. When I would bring it up with him and tell him it hurt me, he justified it by saying that was how he had fun and that I wanted to cut him off from all his friends. He told me he stopped doing it for a while there, but he was miserable during that time and showed it in anger towards me. As for the internet sex - actually that's way off mark too. Starting as friends and falling in love was a gradual process and in our whole time together, we never once cybered (not our thing) although we did do the "phone thing" often.

To those of you who said to get rid of him now - HE actually called it off recently and was back doing what I described in my first post within a day, using a humourous heartbroken approach to "get his foot in the door", so to speak. *sigh* The reason I am now asking these questions is to see what others views are - cause if this is like the "acceptable thing to do" then obviously online is not the place for me.

I guess I'm just confused somewhat by this type of behaviour. I was never a jealous or insecure person whilst involved in any other relationship, but this brought it out in me. I couldn't understand why he would even want to continue doing what he did if he wanted me to be his wife. *scratching head here*

More opinions welcome.

 

[asenath]

I'm sorry, but it's not a real relationship if you've never even met. I'd be a bit freaked out if some person I chatted online with wanted an exclusive thing with me.. even if we did phone each other on a regular basis.

And if you don't like what's going on.. just end the communication. That should be easy enough.

 

[sheath]

I'm sorry, but it's not a real relationship if you've never even met. I'd be a bit freaked out if some person I chatted online with wanted an exclusive thing with me.. even if we did phone each other on a regular basis.

I wholeheartedly disagree. A relationship does not have to have physical contact in order to be real. Look at your friends...your 'real life' friends, for argument. If one of them moved to the other side of the world right NOW, and you only kept contact through email and IM and phone, would that relationship be any less, just because you didn't have the physical contact? Of course not. That person is still your friend even though you don't have the physical contact.

It's the same with any other kind of relationship. If the emotion is there, it's real. Period.

S.

 

[asenath]

I'm not saying people can't have online pals. But two years of chatting and never meeting isn't a real "romantic" relationship. And to expect that to be exclusive is a bit much.

 

[sheath]

I'm not saying people can't have online pals. But two years of chatting and never meeting isn't a real "romantic" relationship. And to expect that to be exclusive is a bit much.

If the "romantic" emotion is there, then it's real. If they both feel it and choose to be exclusive, then what's the problem?

I'm sure there are other things going wrong in whitedove's relationship other than distance, and those problems have been pointed out already. Distance can be easily overcome. There are underlying problems that have nothing at all to do with the space between two people.

S.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Bobmi357]

To those of you who said to get rid of him now - HE actually called it off recently and was back doing what I described in my first post within a day, using a humourous heartbroken approach to "get his foot in the door", so to speak. *sigh* The reason I am now asking these questions is to see what others views are - cause if this is like the "acceptable thing to do" then obviously online is not the place for me.

Whitedove,
Apparently it is acceptable behavior to him. But he is by no means representitive of all men.

I flirt a little on this board. There are a few women here that I've made comments to that would be considered flirting. But to be honest, (a) my wife knows about it and (b) I would never allow it to go beyond a little innocent flirting. I respect my wife far too much to hurt her because of some online fling.

His behavior suggests that he did not take the relationship seriously despite your daily phone calls, despite your plans. His behavior immediately following the breakup shows little sign of remorse or the customary depression accompanying a break up with someone you love.

You can meet and fall in love online. But the relationship works only if both parties are totally honest about their situations and their feelings. Your follow up post suggests that you were honest and he wasn't.

It IS possible to have an online romance that moves from being just online to being real. The proof of that sits not 25 feet from me in the living room watching a movie at the moment. But just like real life, there are good guys and crappy guys. You could have easily written about a man you met in the corner convenience store doing the same thing. Its not a question of "is this acceptable behavior for online relationships?" or "is this acceptable behavior for all men?". It isn't. Its the behavior of a man that is more interested in fresh conquests than he is in finding and connecting with one person.

 

[white_mage_goddess]

I have to concur that an online relationship HAS to make it to the real/life level to truly be evaluated. It can't be left at the online level and still be taken seriously.

I met my current b/f online. We talked for about 6 weeks before meeting in person. We've been together about a year and a half now and have only met about 8 times...but that's been enough to know how we feel around each other. We talk for at least a couple of hours a night on the phone and when we DO see each other, its usually for several days at a time.

Now, we are getting ready to move in with each other in the next month or two (as soon as I get my house bought.) I feel that it's been a wonderful experience and an excellent way to really get to know someone. However, I also realize that without face to face meetings, we would never have lasted this long.

 

[intrigued]

I have to concur that an online relationship HAS to make it to the real/life level to truly be evaluated. It can't be left at the online level and still be taken seriously.

I met my current b/f online. We talked for about 6 weeks before meeting in person. We've been together about a year and a half now and have only met about 8 times...but that's been enough to know how we feel around each other. We talk for at least a couple of hours a night on the phone and when we DO see each other, its usually for several days at a time.

Now, we are getting ready to move in with each other in the next month or two (as soon as I get my house bought.) I feel that it's been a wonderful experience and an excellent way to really get to know someone. However, I also realize that without face to face meetings, we would never have lasted this long.

I just wanted to reply because your post struck a chord with me. I'm in the exact same situation; we met about 6 weeks after talking online, visited eachother every other weekend for a year, and I moved in with him last summer.
There are many things ahead of you, I just wanted to wish you the very best.

I think pretty much everything that can be said on this topic has been said and very well, at that. But I would like to say that I hope you're doing okay, whitedove.

 

[white_mage_goddess]

Thank you intrigued

We are so anxious to move in together.We're all set to do it, just waiting on me to get my house which isn't going well.

I'm really frustrated actually. I have to sell a horse I have to get the down payment for the house I want to buy...and I just can't seem to get her sold. I've done all the advertising I usually do when I have a horse for sale, and there's NO reason I shouldn't have had callers by now.

He can't move in until I get my house (I live on my parents property right now). I can't get the house until I sell the horse cause I need the money...and the damn horse won't sell. SO frustrated!!!!!

 

[intrigued]

Thank you intrigued

We are so anxious to move in together.We're all set to do it, just waiting on me to get my house which isn't going well.

I'm really frustrated actually. I have to sell a horse I have to get the down payment for the house I want to buy...and I just can't seem to get her sold. I've done all the advertising I usually do when I have a horse for sale, and there's NO reason I shouldn't have had callers by now.

He can't move in until I get my house (I live on my parents property right now). I can't get the house until I sell the horse cause I need the money...and the damn horse won't sell. SO frustrated!!!!!

Ok, it may take me a bit, but I'll work up one of my special horse/house selling dances to the horse/house selling Gods and you'll be good to go!

God, I remember so well what you're experiencing. We had one obstacle after another, we just knew he'd have to move to be with me and that truly wasn't the best option. But then we got us a very unexpected miracle, right out of the blue, and I was gone within a couple weeks, lol.
You hang in there, do a little moon dance or something, and get yourself ready. You just never know what might happen, and you need to be good to go.

I don't even know you, yet I'm sitting here grinning like crazy.

 

[white_mage_goddess]

Lol..I hope the horse gods are listening to you more than me! Numerous magickal workings by myself and my b/f and a ton of nightly prayers to Rhiannon and Epona and here I still am with one too many horses and one too few houses! Grrr!!!! But then maybe it's just a timing thing....when the time is right for it to happen, it will all fall into place.

I'm glad to hear your story though. It gives me heart that things can work out. Everyone I know is like "oh an internet relationship will *never* work out..."

 

[Guest]