New Poetry Recommendations
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wildsweetone
i am what i am
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today's morsel:
A Forest Hymn by William Cullen Bryant
THE GROVES were God's first temples. Ere man learned
To hew the shaft, and lay the architrave,
And spread the roof above them—ere he framed
The lofty vault, to gather and roll back
The sound of anthems; in the darkling wood,
Amidst the cool and silence, he knelt down,
And offered to the Mightiest solemn thanks
And supplication. For his simple heart
Might not resist the sacred influences
Which, from the stilly twilight of the place,
And from the gray old trunks that high in heaven
Mingled their mossy boughs, and from the sound
Of the invisible breath that swayed at once
All their green tops, stole over him, and bowed
His spirit with the thought of boundless power
And inaccessible majesty. Ah, why
Should we, in the world's riper years, neglect
God's ancient sanctuaries, and adore
Only among the crowd, and under roofs
That our frail hands have raised? Let me, at least,
Here, in the shadow of this aged wood,
Offer one hymn—thrice happy if it find
Acceptance in His ear.
go here for the rest.
====================================================================
this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing. there is a limitation on the use of smilies in posts on Literotica and therefore i am unable to include what i would like. my intention is to encourage and help by giving suggestions to poets.
new poems.
Epitaph 930 by anonamouse has me waiting for more as it seems like it will be a poem revealing more as it goes along. eye-catching line break in this poem, one that would be missed if it were audio only. worth reading for that effect alone. i like the 'voice' that comes across in this poem; i like the sounds. i don't like the lack of space at the bottom (a formatting problem), and i wish there were another way of placement for 'part of a series'. looking forward to the next in the series and to unravelling the identities, perhaps.
Coffee? by moonstormer. i was going to say i like this poem for the use of language, but it's not quite that. i was going to say i like the sounds, but it's not quite that either. i think it's because i can see potential in this poem and also in moonstormer's Grainy footage. i think Grainy footage touches on some hefty images, perhaps too many for this single submission. it's almost as if there are five poems in the one. too much for one read? read them both yourself and see what you think.
=========================================================
those poems i did not choose for this review either contained typing errors or simply did not stand out to me. please note that these are my opinions on poems, it is up to you as a reader and/or writer to form your own. go read, go comment and keep writing!
A Forest Hymn by William Cullen Bryant
THE GROVES were God's first temples. Ere man learned
To hew the shaft, and lay the architrave,
And spread the roof above them—ere he framed
The lofty vault, to gather and roll back
The sound of anthems; in the darkling wood,
Amidst the cool and silence, he knelt down,
And offered to the Mightiest solemn thanks
And supplication. For his simple heart
Might not resist the sacred influences
Which, from the stilly twilight of the place,
And from the gray old trunks that high in heaven
Mingled their mossy boughs, and from the sound
Of the invisible breath that swayed at once
All their green tops, stole over him, and bowed
His spirit with the thought of boundless power
And inaccessible majesty. Ah, why
Should we, in the world's riper years, neglect
God's ancient sanctuaries, and adore
Only among the crowd, and under roofs
That our frail hands have raised? Let me, at least,
Here, in the shadow of this aged wood,
Offer one hymn—thrice happy if it find
Acceptance in His ear.
go here for the rest.
====================================================================
this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing. there is a limitation on the use of smilies in posts on Literotica and therefore i am unable to include what i would like. my intention is to encourage and help by giving suggestions to poets.
new poems.
Epitaph 930 by anonamouse has me waiting for more as it seems like it will be a poem revealing more as it goes along. eye-catching line break in this poem, one that would be missed if it were audio only. worth reading for that effect alone. i like the 'voice' that comes across in this poem; i like the sounds. i don't like the lack of space at the bottom (a formatting problem), and i wish there were another way of placement for 'part of a series'. looking forward to the next in the series and to unravelling the identities, perhaps.
Coffee? by moonstormer. i was going to say i like this poem for the use of language, but it's not quite that. i was going to say i like the sounds, but it's not quite that either. i think it's because i can see potential in this poem and also in moonstormer's Grainy footage. i think Grainy footage touches on some hefty images, perhaps too many for this single submission. it's almost as if there are five poems in the one. too much for one read? read them both yourself and see what you think.
=========================================================
those poems i did not choose for this review either contained typing errors or simply did not stand out to me. please note that these are my opinions on poems, it is up to you as a reader and/or writer to form your own. go read, go comment and keep writing!
anonamouse
Really Experienced
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wildsweetone said:new poems.
Epitaph 930 by anonamouse has me waiting for more as it seems like it will be a poem revealing more as it goes along. eye-catching line break in this poem, one that would be missed if it were audio only. worth reading for that effect alone. i like the 'voice' that comes across in this poem; i like the sounds. i don't like the lack of space at the bottom (a formatting problem), and i wish there were another way of placement for 'part of a series'. looking forward to the next in the series and to unravelling the identities, perhaps.
[/B]
cryptic
series it was a part of a three parter (two by 1201) was an experiment of framing, creating a hole that the reader perceives, that they perhaps wouldn't want to crawl into. In a way I owe to Mr. Jawa's propostion.
missing horror parts in Repose, Desert Sunset. Effects without cause, explanation.
this one does have a different voice.
agree with the formatting problem - but would you really want to know about those people here? I wouldn't, news is full of 'em.
Thank you
wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
anonamouse said:cryptic
series it was a part of a three parter (two by 1201) was an experiment of framing, creating a hole that the reader perceives, that they perhaps wouldn't want to crawl into. In a way I owe to Mr. Jawa's propostion.
missing horror parts in Repose, Desert Sunset. Effects without cause, explanation.
this one does have a different voice.
agree with the formatting problem - but would you really want to know about those people here? I wouldn't, news is full of 'em.
Thank you
i love how each works separately and how they work as a whole. thank you for cluing me in. inspiring writing.
and yes, knowing about these people here is important. it is today. poets should always include today in their repertoire somewhere, don't you think?
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,549
Tuesday. October 9
Happy Birthday John Lennon.
There are 11 new poems posted today, four of which caught my eye. They all need editing, but they all are very good or have potential.
Present by assumepresume has a lovely lyrical quality and an equally sweet sentiment.
Colors of a Masochist by nova4u has already been discussed some in the erotic/non erotic thread here. It has some great language, but imho needs to explore the subject more specifically to really grab readers. See what you think.
Still Life with Ice by Klingsor is, I think, the best written poem of the day: it's tight and the images are powerful. Not an easy one to read because of the subject, but really well done. Perfect title choice, too. ghost_girl recently recommended this poet and I agree that Klingsor is someone to watch for here.
And our own dear bogusbrig struggles with ego and power in Mr. Right. I've always loved his post-beat narrative poeting style, but this one needs a dusting and cleaning, especially toward the end. Lotsa potential, though.
These are just my opinions. If you want to agree, disagree, add or subtract from all my blah-blah, feel free. But do read then vote and comment. It's a small price to pay for all the poetry you get here.
And go listen to some Lennon and remember--if you've forgotten--what a marvelous artist he is and human being he was.
Happy Birthday John Lennon.
There are 11 new poems posted today, four of which caught my eye. They all need editing, but they all are very good or have potential.
Present by assumepresume has a lovely lyrical quality and an equally sweet sentiment.
Colors of a Masochist by nova4u has already been discussed some in the erotic/non erotic thread here. It has some great language, but imho needs to explore the subject more specifically to really grab readers. See what you think.
Still Life with Ice by Klingsor is, I think, the best written poem of the day: it's tight and the images are powerful. Not an easy one to read because of the subject, but really well done. Perfect title choice, too. ghost_girl recently recommended this poet and I agree that Klingsor is someone to watch for here.
And our own dear bogusbrig struggles with ego and power in Mr. Right. I've always loved his post-beat narrative poeting style, but this one needs a dusting and cleaning, especially toward the end. Lotsa potential, though.
These are just my opinions. If you want to agree, disagree, add or subtract from all my blah-blah, feel free. But do read then vote and comment. It's a small price to pay for all the poetry you get here.
And go listen to some Lennon and remember--if you've forgotten--what a marvelous artist he is and human being he was.
LeBroz
Let the mind roam free
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2005
- Posts
- 2,288
Wednesday's Review
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Let's see what sizzles in the 11 new postings for today — or maybe we can at least find something that's at least lukewarm.
Under_Sun has a pair of postings up today. from the periphery is a bit strange {in a good way}:
Paris_Garters also has a pair of interesting posts. For the Osiris has some phrasing you might like, such as:
That's it for today. Go ahead and give the others a peek; perhaps there's one there that'll tickle your tummy {or another anatomical feature}. Just remember to read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.
.
.
.
.
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Let's see what sizzles in the 11 new postings for today — or maybe we can at least find something that's at least lukewarm.
Under_Sun has a pair of postings up today. from the periphery is a bit strange {in a good way}:
And then there's mother words, with an unusual perspectives shared from one parent as school kicks in:
Oh, just go ahead and read this, the better of the pair on display today.
Paris_Garters also has a pair of interesting posts. For the Osiris has some phrasing you might like, such as:
or
Or perhaps you'd like to try Learning from Water with its take on rock, paper, scissors:
That's it for today. Go ahead and give the others a peek; perhaps there's one there that'll tickle your tummy {or another anatomical feature}. Just remember to read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.
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.
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assumepresume
Virgin
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- Oct 1, 2007
- Posts
- 1
A note of thanks...
to Wild Sweet One and Angeline who've commented thoughtfully on my poems. Very grateful. If you'd like to see more - I have a site up - assumepresume.com .
I'd love to hear any constructive feedback.
Angeline - what do you think, in terms of 'Present' needing editing? What could make it better? thank you for finding it lyrical.
Wild Sweet One - my punctuation - 'hot.hot.hot.' was deliberate - to try and deliver the sensation of stifling heat and breathlessness that temperature and stings may grant. When you say, 'hooked' do you mean, that you are hooked on my work?
cheers,
assume
to Wild Sweet One and Angeline who've commented thoughtfully on my poems. Very grateful. If you'd like to see more - I have a site up - assumepresume.com .
I'd love to hear any constructive feedback.
Angeline - what do you think, in terms of 'Present' needing editing? What could make it better? thank you for finding it lyrical.
Wild Sweet One - my punctuation - 'hot.hot.hot.' was deliberate - to try and deliver the sensation of stifling heat and breathlessness that temperature and stings may grant. When you say, 'hooked' do you mean, that you are hooked on my work?
cheers,
assume
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,549
assumepresume said:to Wild Sweet One and Angeline who've commented thoughtfully on my poems. Very grateful. If you'd like to see more - I have a site up - assumepresume.com .
I'd love to hear any constructive feedback.
Angeline - what do you think, in terms of 'Present' needing editing? What could make it better? thank you for finding it lyrical.
Wild Sweet One - my punctuation - 'hot.hot.hot.' was deliberate - to try and deliver the sensation of stifling heat and breathlessness that temperature and stings may grant. When you say, 'hooked' do you mean, that you are hooked on my work?
cheers,
assume
Hi.
I thought your poem was a really smooth read. It doesn't need much, in my opinion--and of course it is just my opinion. There are a few pretty easy things I would do: 1) I'd shape it a bit more so the lines are more uniform. I personally don't get obsessive about that but if a few lines are a lot longer or shorter than the ones around it, I play with them to see if other ways of breaking the lines work better. 2) I remove what I consider to be unnecessary words. Maybe it's me, but I've got to the point where I stumble over those when I read. And 3) I really try to look out for words that are explaining rather than showing. It took me a long time to learn this myself (and lord knows I don't always get it right), but it's always better to avoid "telling."
Here's what I'd do. I bolded what I'd change and explained why in blue after each suggested revision.
Present
by assumepresume©
In some morning, not long ago
as the light slowly broke
(I'd lose slowly or recast the line to avoid the adverb--anyway most readers know how light breaks, right?)
and with padded footsteps crept
through the skylight
I awoke a moment and an eternity before you
(I'd remove that because it alludes to something that needs to be explored a lot more to really work, so unless you're prepared to do that, I wouldn't raise the idea)
to gaze upon the loveliness of slumber
(maybe another word her because "loveliness" is too general--or just take it out because "slumber clinging to your eyelids is beautiful; I'd also remove "deeply" because adverbs rarely work in poems, to me)
still deeply clinging to your eyelids,
the rising of sweet breath in your chest
the cheekbones I delight in tracing
with lips and fingertips.
There is not a part of you that is not beloved by me.
(A lovely sentiment but unnecessary because the whole strophe basically says this--and better--already)
Nude and smooth under my gentle palms
you murmur, murmur
and I hear what I want to hear,
(I'm not sure what you mean here, maybe rewrite the line?)
dear boy.
A kiss on the nape to tell you what I know.
(too general and unnecessary to me)
My body cups you, to contain you in my limbs,
(I'd delete "to contain you" because it's telling why and you don't need it--"My body cups you in its limbs" is beautiful)
Si je pouvais, a sanctuary,
To keep you safe
In the small span of my embrace.
You arouse within
(I'd take out "within" because, again, it's telling--your readers know you mean within if you just say "You arouse compassion and lust" and that line combined with your last two is, imo, a lovely understated ending)
compassion and lust
you fragile man,
you brave boy
***********************************
So that's just my opinion, but it's how I'd edit it. If it helps, great. If not, no worries.
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WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
Good morning! It's Thursday and I'm heading over or somewhere to read the new poems. Be back soon.
New poems. I'm so excited!
it's the coffee
Okay, I just read three new poems by TrevorBlack
Sweetly is rather good. The first stanza is the strongest. It's a brief poem, so it's worth a read for that one stanza.
Trevor's second poem is In the Cage which is his best one today. Here's the comment I left on it: Full of raw emotions but not corny or sappy. Some people let out their anger or lust or grief in their poetry but it comes across as an annoying shriek or "shut the fuck up" sobs. This poem is good. Yes, a lot of emotion but you still have control over your words, which makes it good poetry.
And finally, Eternal
And I still have a few more to read.
New poems. I'm so excited!
it's the coffee
Okay, I just read three new poems by TrevorBlack
Sweetly is rather good. The first stanza is the strongest. It's a brief poem, so it's worth a read for that one stanza.
Trevor's second poem is In the Cage which is his best one today. Here's the comment I left on it: Full of raw emotions but not corny or sappy. Some people let out their anger or lust or grief in their poetry but it comes across as an annoying shriek or "shut the fuck up" sobs. This poem is good. Yes, a lot of emotion but you still have control over your words, which makes it good poetry.
And finally, Eternal
And I still have a few more to read.
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WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
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- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
I've read all of the Thursday poems. There aren't many. There could be more later today, so I'll check back and post anything of interest. Anyway, go read them and let me know what you like.
Edit: Make sure to check the post above. There are a few poems mentioned.
Edit: Make sure to check the post above. There are a few poems mentioned.
open surgery
Part of me wants to be analized like that because I know it will be really good for me, the other part is too afraid. Like having your tonsils, guts and heart being worked at the same time. It must feel great after it's all over!
In the meantime there is something to be said for learning vicariously. Thanks.
Angeline said:Hi.
I thought your poem was a really smooth read. It doesn't need much, in my opinion--and of course it is just my opinion. There are a few pretty easy things I would do: 1) I'd shape it a bit more so the lines are more uniform. I personally don't get obsessive about that but if a few lines are a lot longer or shorter than the ones around it, I play with them to see if other ways of breaking the lines work better. 2) I remove what I consider to be unnecessary words. Maybe it's me, but I've got to the point where I stumble over those when I read. And 3) I really try to look out for words that are explaining rather than showing. It took me a long time to learn this myself (and lord knows I don't always get it right), but it's always better to avoid "telling."
Here's what I'd do. I bolded what I'd change and explained why in blue after each suggested revision.
Present
by assumepresume©
In some morning, not long ago
as the light slowly broke
(I'd lose slowly or recast the line to avoid the adverb--anyway most readers know how light breaks, right?)
and with padded footsteps crept
through the skylight
I awoke a moment and an eternity before you
(I'd remove that because it alludes to something that needs to be explored a lot more to really work, so unless you're prepared to do that, I wouldn't raise the idea)
to gaze upon the loveliness of slumber
(maybe another word her because "loveliness" is too general--or just take it out because "slumber clinging to your eyelids is beautiful; I'd also remove "deeply" because adverbs rarely work in poems, to me)
still deeply clinging to your eyelids,
the rising of sweet breath in your chest
the cheekbones I delight in tracing
with lips and fingertips.
There is not a part of you that is not beloved by me.
(A lovely sentiment but unnecessary because the whole strophe basically says this--and better--already)
Nude and smooth under my gentle palms
you murmur, murmur
and I hear what I want to hear,
(I'm not sure what you mean here, maybe rewrite the line?)
dear boy.
A kiss on the nape to tell you what I know.
(too general and unnecessary to me)
My body cups you, to contain you in my limbs,
(I'd delete "to contain you" because it's telling why and you don't need it--"My body cups you in its limbs" is beautiful)
Si je pouvais, a sanctuary,
To keep you safe
In the small span of my embrace.
You arouse within
(I'd take out "within" because, again, it's telling--your readers know you mean within if you just say "You arouse compassion and lust" and that line combined with your last two is, imo, a lovely understated ending)
compassion and lust
you fragile man,
you brave boy
***********************************
So that's just my opinion, but it's how I'd edit it. If it helps, great. If not, no worries.
Part of me wants to be analized like that because I know it will be really good for me, the other part is too afraid. Like having your tonsils, guts and heart being worked at the same time. It must feel great after it's all over!
In the meantime there is something to be said for learning vicariously. Thanks.
normal jean
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 13, 2004
- Posts
- 1,193
KOLKORE said:
KOLKORE-
that is a VERY accurate assessment of having ones poetry dissected and analyzed. It can hurt, but mostly, it is a learning experience. IT's good for the soul
Maybe you should write about it?and, by the way, it is nice to have your voice present in the forum as of late. You have caused me to think and consider different things, and that is a good thing.
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,549
Friday, October 12
There are no new poems posted as yet today. Maybe Jamis, Champers and I will all get the day off. I'll check back later.
And Kolkore let me echo NJ in saying it's nice to see you active and posting here. I'm really enjoying reading your opinions.
There are no new poems posted as yet today. Maybe Jamis, Champers and I will all get the day off. I'll check back later.
And Kolkore let me echo NJ in saying it's nice to see you active and posting here. I'm really enjoying reading your opinions.
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,549
Angeline said:There are no new poems posted as yet today. Maybe Jamis, Champers and I will all get the day off. I'll check back later.
And Kolkore let me echo NJ in saying it's nice to see you active and posting here. I'm really enjoying reading your opinions.
Holy crap! I just counted 28 new poems posted. It's just like the good (or maybe bad I'm not sure) old days when I'd have dozens of poems to review. Once there were actually 90-some new poems so I guess this isn't too bad. I'll be back.
***************************************
Well 27 (not 28) reads later, I have to say I feel like Goldilocks in seach of porridge that's just right. With little exception, the poems either need cutting back (too hot) or don't explore enough (too cold). I suspect that many of us here submit first draft poems. Then again, I suspect that many poets only write first draft poems. Maybe it's time for a lively (not too though; I'm a mite livelied out from the past few days) discussion on editing. We could put our collective poet heads together and brainstorm editing tips to put in a sticky thread, eh?
Also note (though I only saw this in one poem today) that if you have instructions for the Literotica editors like "put italics here," make sure they're in the notes section of your submissions form, not the body of your submission, or you will have weird non sequitor commands in the middle of your poem.
I read from the bottom up, and the first poem that grabbed me is Restlessly Waiting by swallowedscream. My initial reaction was "where is this poem going?" It seems like no more than a long description, albeit one with wonderful images. The ending metaphor was unexpected, but pulls it all into focus. It needs editing and those last lines could be explored a bit more; it feels somewhat abrupt after all that narrative, but the writing is very good. Anyone who conjures an autumn morning with an image like "gouda smoke smell" is on the right track, methinks.
I tend to run in the other direction from abab rhyme schemes, but AgentMeow's (great name) Help Wanted is a fun read. Editing and shaping would make it nice and tight, and it would read something like a Hallmark card on steroids. Her other two submissions today are also done with simple rhyme schemes and don't work quite so well. They do demonstrate though that this is someone who is facile with words who would improve with practice and by exploring free verse.
You can read bogusbrig's Why Judas Me? a few ways. Whether you decide it's actually about Jesus and Judas or a musing on modern love gone wrong, it's very moving (particularly in the last lines). It needs a rewrite though imo. I kept wanting less explanation and more imagery.
My favorite today is Klingsor's Oenology. It's a lesson in how to make an extended metaphor work, and the images are understated but powerful. Read it and you'll see what I mean. This is the third poem I've read by this poet and I'm looking forward to the fourth. Klingsor is very, very good.
These are just my opinions. If you disagree or want to add to my reviews blah blah blah.
Peace. Make love not war. War is over (if you want it).
Angeline
PS Go Sox.
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Angeline said:There are no new poems posted as yet today. Maybe Jamis, Champers and I will all get the day off. I'll check back later.
And Kolkore let me echo NJ in saying it's nice to see you active and posting here. I'm really enjoying reading your opinions.
Why, thanks!
anonamouse
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2004
- Posts
- 243
Wowsers, let me say this is the best I've seen of New Poems Reviews in a while, congrats...
Seems like the day for religion...
hippiedude is back with Irrelevant To The Kabbala
Which starts out with:
Now gather ‘round
my brothers,
hear me out
oh judicious sisters
Now I may be a sucker for that kind of talk, but I don't think anyone else should. So we got a bad start.
But....what he does after, sonically, well he doesn't let up.
late and laden
alliteration, consonance, assonance all very nicely done.
I just don't know what it is supposed to mean.
Kabbla is a Jewish thing...
Speaking of Jews, Mel Gibson makes a brief appearance in mine...
Which I don't recommend reading because it is offensive and the WORD of god.
But the WORD of god often is offensive, so it you read it, duck if you hear thunder.
Seems like the day for religion...
hippiedude is back with Irrelevant To The Kabbala
Which starts out with:
Now gather ‘round
my brothers,
hear me out
oh judicious sisters
Now I may be a sucker for that kind of talk, but I don't think anyone else should. So we got a bad start.
But....what he does after, sonically, well he doesn't let up.
late and laden
alliteration, consonance, assonance all very nicely done.
I just don't know what it is supposed to mean.
Kabbla is a Jewish thing...
Speaking of Jews, Mel Gibson makes a brief appearance in mine...
Which I don't recommend reading because it is offensive and the WORD of god.
But the WORD of god often is offensive, so it you read it, duck if you hear thunder.
LeBroz
Let the mind roam free
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2005
- Posts
- 2,288
Sunday's Review
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.
No one stepping up to the plate so far to tackle the Sunday games. Guess I'll do a quicky of 3 that caught my eye out of an easy 9 posted today.
Added: I see anonamouse did step up as I was finishing proofing this.
hippiedude is back. You remember him, don't you? It's only been a couple years. Up today is his Irrelevant To The Kabbala. I sensed a religious seeming overtone here and found, on further checking, that the Kabbala is a type of study of the Torah more familiar to the Orthodox Jew. Relax, it's not any type of religious message, but knowing the meaning of the term does help in appreciating the context. Go ahead and give it a read.
anonamouse has a satirical piece where religion and politics mix. Or is that irreverant? In Apocalypso, there are several pointed barbs, such as:
Finally, pipedream_ink has a prosey piece up in his continuing series, War Diaries Day Twelve. If you're familiar with the series, you'll know what to expect.
That's it for now. There are six other pieces that might suit your tastes. Go on and read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.
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.
.
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No one stepping up to the plate so far to tackle the Sunday games. Guess I'll do a quicky of 3 that caught my eye out of an easy 9 posted today.
Added: I see anonamouse did step up as I was finishing proofing this.
hippiedude is back. You remember him, don't you? It's only been a couple years. Up today is his Irrelevant To The Kabbala. I sensed a religious seeming overtone here and found, on further checking, that the Kabbala is a type of study of the Torah more familiar to the Orthodox Jew. Relax, it's not any type of religious message, but knowing the meaning of the term does help in appreciating the context. Go ahead and give it a read.
anonamouse has a satirical piece where religion and politics mix. Or is that irreverant? In Apocalypso, there are several pointed barbs, such as:
This captures the spirit of the writing throughout and can be enjoyed by most, except the thin-skinned who view their religion or politics as beyond reproach and sacred, never to be mocked.
Finally, pipedream_ink has a prosey piece up in his continuing series, War Diaries Day Twelve. If you're familiar with the series, you'll know what to expect.
That's it for now. There are six other pieces that might suit your tastes. Go on and read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.
.
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hippiedude
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2004
- Posts
- 9
thanks
hey thanks so much for noticing the poem i'm still trying to break out of this blockage i got going on
hey thanks so much for noticing the poem i'm still trying to break out of this blockage i got going on
wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
today's pick...
Epigraph
This old man is no one I know
even if his look is mine -
or was when he first wore it in the jacket
photograph that advertised his book.
Everyone seems to know him: I don't know him.
People stop him at the post office to talk:
they don't stop me when I go walking.
I've lived here fifty years but they don't stop me.
It's him they want to see: the writer.
What I am they've never figured out -
only that I take to wood-lots evening
crazing all the door-yard dogs.
Must be out for honey, way they see it -
lining up the late, last homeward flights
for bearings on a bee-tree somewhere.
Maybe I am but not their kind of honey.
I wonder, when they come to dig his grave
and find me lying in it, will they guess
whose death he died of, his or mine? -
Whose life I lived? -
..................Who wrote this line?
by Archibald MacLeish
====================================================================
this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing. there is a limitation on the use of smilies in posts on Literotica and therefore i am unable to include what i would like. my intention is to encourage and help by giving suggestions to poets.
twenty-something poems today.
Audio poem: I Fall by swallowedscream there are several phrases in this poem that caught my eye, 'make my body weep', 'if i let you hear my aching'. i found it a little distracting to see a period at the end of each line. a couple of line breaks could be a little better, and a typo needs fixing.
i'm not sure if it's me, but the audio poems i've listened to seem to have a similar sound. i must remember to keep an ear out for some with a little animation.
Leo, one of ten submissions today by avasogently found an echo in me. sometimes nothing else matters except that there is something within a piece of writing that 'clicks' with us. this poem does for me. to improve i'd suggest some of the line breaks could have more impact. another one that gave me some food for thought was: Escape
something a little different in this serious stretch of today's poems: Raisin Bread by Boxlicker101.
The Big Cheese by Rumpleteazer. this poet always makes my senses stand on edge with his poetry. this poem is no exception. i won't pretend to understand the whole thing, but he certainly knows how to get me to read to the very end of his work. my inexperienced suggestion for improvement would be to suggest the poet becomes consistent with punctuation, i, I and &. having said that i feel that these inconsistencies are simply part of the style of this poet, without them, the poems would loose something of their uniqueness. check out Trojan War too.
Wanton Weekends - Pool Maintenance and Wanton Weekends - Lunch by WhiteWave48 - rhyming couplet poems (am i right there?). if you're into form poetry then it might be worth looking into these two poems. the rhyme scheme seems to work well. it took me a few of reads to be able to get the hang of the rhythm (my inexperience showing there). i found it difficult (almost unsmooth) to read to a stop at the end of both first lines. i don't know enough to know if that's my faulty reading or if it's worth looking at for a possible improvement area.
=========================================================
those poems i did not choose for this review either contained typing errors or simply did not stand out to me. please note that these are my opinions on poems, it is up to you as a reader and/or writer to form your own. go read, go comment and keep writing!
Epigraph
This old man is no one I know
even if his look is mine -
or was when he first wore it in the jacket
photograph that advertised his book.
Everyone seems to know him: I don't know him.
People stop him at the post office to talk:
they don't stop me when I go walking.
I've lived here fifty years but they don't stop me.
It's him they want to see: the writer.
What I am they've never figured out -
only that I take to wood-lots evening
crazing all the door-yard dogs.
Must be out for honey, way they see it -
lining up the late, last homeward flights
for bearings on a bee-tree somewhere.
Maybe I am but not their kind of honey.
I wonder, when they come to dig his grave
and find me lying in it, will they guess
whose death he died of, his or mine? -
Whose life I lived? -
..................Who wrote this line?
by Archibald MacLeish
====================================================================
this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing. there is a limitation on the use of smilies in posts on Literotica and therefore i am unable to include what i would like. my intention is to encourage and help by giving suggestions to poets.
twenty-something poems today.
Audio poem: I Fall by swallowedscream there are several phrases in this poem that caught my eye, 'make my body weep', 'if i let you hear my aching'. i found it a little distracting to see a period at the end of each line. a couple of line breaks could be a little better, and a typo needs fixing.
i'm not sure if it's me, but the audio poems i've listened to seem to have a similar sound. i must remember to keep an ear out for some with a little animation.
Leo, one of ten submissions today by avasogently found an echo in me. sometimes nothing else matters except that there is something within a piece of writing that 'clicks' with us. this poem does for me. to improve i'd suggest some of the line breaks could have more impact. another one that gave me some food for thought was: Escape
something a little different in this serious stretch of today's poems: Raisin Bread by Boxlicker101.
The Big Cheese by Rumpleteazer. this poet always makes my senses stand on edge with his poetry. this poem is no exception. i won't pretend to understand the whole thing, but he certainly knows how to get me to read to the very end of his work. my inexperienced suggestion for improvement would be to suggest the poet becomes consistent with punctuation, i, I and &. having said that i feel that these inconsistencies are simply part of the style of this poet, without them, the poems would loose something of their uniqueness. check out Trojan War too.
Wanton Weekends - Pool Maintenance and Wanton Weekends - Lunch by WhiteWave48 - rhyming couplet poems (am i right there?). if you're into form poetry then it might be worth looking into these two poems. the rhyme scheme seems to work well. it took me a few of reads to be able to get the hang of the rhythm (my inexperience showing there). i found it difficult (almost unsmooth) to read to a stop at the end of both first lines. i don't know enough to know if that's my faulty reading or if it's worth looking at for a possible improvement area.
=========================================================
those poems i did not choose for this review either contained typing errors or simply did not stand out to me. please note that these are my opinions on poems, it is up to you as a reader and/or writer to form your own. go read, go comment and keep writing!
avasogently
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2007
- Posts
- 205
New to the 'New Poems Reviews' Thread
avasogently here, joining the "New Poems Reviews" forum for the first time. I intend to read back as many pages as possible to get a feel for the manner in which reviewers present their constructive criticism.
I understand not to post a thank-you note in this forum. However, I must acknowledge wildsweetone's suggestion that I insert more line breaks in my poem "Leo." I couldn't agree more. I may be a longtime poet, but I nearly have forgotten all that I learned years ago about meter and other elements of form.
"Leo," which is dedicated to my fisherman father, reverberates with love and respect but is an ironic poem. It is an ironic poem because my dad and I have an adversarial relationship and barely speak. I am disclosing this information merely to reflect on the soul of a poet. By the way, I do not know if there is a technical name for an ironic poem. If there is one, would one of you experienced poets (wildsweetone? others?) provide the name here in this forum so that other poets can learn, too? Thanks.
I also have a question: With regard to haikus, must the subject matter involve nature (flora and fauna), or have the rules relaxed? I know what the meter should be but worried about the issue of subject matter after composing "Escape," "Sentinel" and other haikus.
I look forward to improving my lyrical expression and re-learning meter by reading the reviews in this forum and by continuing to read other Literotica members' poems.
Respectfully,
avasogently
avasogently here, joining the "New Poems Reviews" forum for the first time. I intend to read back as many pages as possible to get a feel for the manner in which reviewers present their constructive criticism.
I understand not to post a thank-you note in this forum. However, I must acknowledge wildsweetone's suggestion that I insert more line breaks in my poem "Leo." I couldn't agree more. I may be a longtime poet, but I nearly have forgotten all that I learned years ago about meter and other elements of form.
"Leo," which is dedicated to my fisherman father, reverberates with love and respect but is an ironic poem. It is an ironic poem because my dad and I have an adversarial relationship and barely speak. I am disclosing this information merely to reflect on the soul of a poet. By the way, I do not know if there is a technical name for an ironic poem. If there is one, would one of you experienced poets (wildsweetone? others?) provide the name here in this forum so that other poets can learn, too? Thanks.
I also have a question: With regard to haikus, must the subject matter involve nature (flora and fauna), or have the rules relaxed? I know what the meter should be but worried about the issue of subject matter after composing "Escape," "Sentinel" and other haikus.
I look forward to improving my lyrical expression and re-learning meter by reading the reviews in this forum and by continuing to read other Literotica members' poems.
Respectfully,
avasogently
Last edited:
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,549
Tuesday, October 16
There are 11 new poems posted today. I've decided I really like two and a half of them.
The poem I half like is hippiedude's The Empire Ends, Part 1. The dude has written many wonderful poems here and has obvious talent. And I empathize, hd. I saw your brave comment about writer's block the other day and I know how you feel. I feel what you feel. And you're writing in spite of it, which is the best possible thing to do imo. So. I like the idea of this poem, its title is excellent and I love the dialogue. I like its minimalist shape, which supports the idea that generational commonalities are simultaneously wide and intimate. What I'm not wild about is the description, which is fitting but not poetic. It's declarative and that may be especially obvious to me because the poem is short. I think it deserves a rewrite, maybe a few more details like the old men's cough, maybe a bit of imagery about the young men to sharpen the difference between them and the duffers. Don't give up on it though--it (and you) are too good for that.
bogusbrig has admitted to not writing for a while and some of his most recent efforts, which I've reviewed, have demostrated the creak of poetic muscles getting back in shape. Not so with Cognitive Dissonance, where his skill with words and his daily wordesizing result in a piece that is narrative but sharply focused and effective. The images of the molten skull, the hammered, starburst jigsaw flow in a herky jerky way that is just right and remind me of the figure in the children's game Operation. Take this out. Put that back. See what happens. It's a read that is both postmodern and moving. He nailed it (no pun intended!).
And what a lovely suprise to see a submission by darkmaas, who in his ever-modest way attributes his good work to "klepto-poetry." We have to get ideas somewhere, d-man. Nothing new under the Sun and all that. red riding is appropriately classified as "erotic" though you won't find a hint of potty mouth in it. It's minimal and darkmaas makes every word count; it's a little polished gem of suggestion and innuendo. And it has the patented (?) darkmaas tension between kink and politesse that leaves you wondering if he really means us to read in all the possibilities the poem implies. Altogether an excellent read.
If you have poems you'd like to recommend, please do. This is the place for it. If you have general comments, requests, etc., please put them in the To Keep the Review Thread Clean thread so this one can maintain its pristine critical focus.
Happy Poeming,
Angeline
There are 11 new poems posted today. I've decided I really like two and a half of them.
The poem I half like is hippiedude's The Empire Ends, Part 1. The dude has written many wonderful poems here and has obvious talent. And I empathize, hd. I saw your brave comment about writer's block the other day and I know how you feel. I feel what you feel. And you're writing in spite of it, which is the best possible thing to do imo. So. I like the idea of this poem, its title is excellent and I love the dialogue. I like its minimalist shape, which supports the idea that generational commonalities are simultaneously wide and intimate. What I'm not wild about is the description, which is fitting but not poetic. It's declarative and that may be especially obvious to me because the poem is short. I think it deserves a rewrite, maybe a few more details like the old men's cough, maybe a bit of imagery about the young men to sharpen the difference between them and the duffers. Don't give up on it though--it (and you) are too good for that.
bogusbrig has admitted to not writing for a while and some of his most recent efforts, which I've reviewed, have demostrated the creak of poetic muscles getting back in shape. Not so with Cognitive Dissonance, where his skill with words and his daily wordesizing result in a piece that is narrative but sharply focused and effective. The images of the molten skull, the hammered, starburst jigsaw flow in a herky jerky way that is just right and remind me of the figure in the children's game Operation. Take this out. Put that back. See what happens. It's a read that is both postmodern and moving. He nailed it (no pun intended!).
And what a lovely suprise to see a submission by darkmaas, who in his ever-modest way attributes his good work to "klepto-poetry." We have to get ideas somewhere, d-man. Nothing new under the Sun and all that. red riding is appropriately classified as "erotic" though you won't find a hint of potty mouth in it. It's minimal and darkmaas makes every word count; it's a little polished gem of suggestion and innuendo. And it has the patented (?) darkmaas tension between kink and politesse that leaves you wondering if he really means us to read in all the possibilities the poem implies. Altogether an excellent read.
If you have poems you'd like to recommend, please do. This is the place for it. If you have general comments, requests, etc., please put them in the To Keep the Review Thread Clean thread so this one can maintain its pristine critical focus.
Happy Poeming,
Angeline
Last edited:
LeBroz
Let the mind roam free
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2005
- Posts
- 2,288
Wednesday's Review
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.
.
It's that time of week again, when {after lunch} the new weekend is closer than the old. Now to see if any of today's 11 postings will move me to write of their wisdom and insight.
hippiedude has some strong imagery in an unillustrated piece, Remains. The only problem I have with this is the reference to early 19th century America. Somehow, I think this was too early for photography to present images of the War of 1812. Perhaps closer to mid-century, as the first photographs began appearing circa late 1830's, and wives and mothers gathered in gloom as their men folk went off to that horrid meat grinder known as the War Between the States.
Syndra Lynn brings us some jealousy in Poison Green, along with that hated third presence in the bed you can't see, can't fight, but still must conquer.
Finally, Savannah Skye gives us an image of a rainy fall day in her very brief haiku 4.
That's it for today. There are several others that might grab your mind {or something else}, so don't stop with my 3 picks. Go ahead and check the others and remember to read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's that time of week again, when {after lunch} the new weekend is closer than the old. Now to see if any of today's 11 postings will move me to write of their wisdom and insight.
hippiedude has some strong imagery in an unillustrated piece, Remains. The only problem I have with this is the reference to early 19th century America. Somehow, I think this was too early for photography to present images of the War of 1812. Perhaps closer to mid-century, as the first photographs began appearing circa late 1830's, and wives and mothers gathered in gloom as their men folk went off to that horrid meat grinder known as the War Between the States.
Syndra Lynn brings us some jealousy in Poison Green, along with that hated third presence in the bed you can't see, can't fight, but still must conquer.
Finally, Savannah Skye gives us an image of a rainy fall day in her very brief haiku 4.
That's it for today. There are several others that might grab your mind {or something else}, so don't stop with my 3 picks. Go ahead and check the others and remember to read, vote, comment ~ it's the least you can do. Above all, comment ~ a fair exchange for the pleasure of reading free poetry.
.
.
.
.
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
Thursday part 1
How odd. Does anyone else read a title, then completely forget about it while reading the poem?
I saw the title Handjob by samoajoe88©
Then I read the poem--the first line asks "How many calories in a kiss?"--so I'm thinking all the extreme details that follow are about how this person feels after getting a grand and explosive kiss. Finally I recalled the title! Handjob. Anyway, I felt the kiss.
-----
Dream Girls
by hippiedude©
I don't know, but maybe this is just too much:
to lay with me,
breast to breath,
writhe upon finger tip,
and paint the beautiful agony.
But damn, I do love the beautiful agony. I would write that!
-----
I've read a few but haven't really been keeping up with War Diaries.
War Diaries Day Fourteen by pipedream_ink© is an interesting read. If you've been reading the series, then check this one out.
-----
Circular by ShyErraticTable©
I wasn't sure if I was going to mention this one. But as I continued to read the poem, I changed my mind. Good poem and the last couple of lines are very good.
Still reading but wanted to post this first part before I lose it.
How odd. Does anyone else read a title, then completely forget about it while reading the poem?
I saw the title Handjob by samoajoe88©
Then I read the poem--the first line asks "How many calories in a kiss?"--so I'm thinking all the extreme details that follow are about how this person feels after getting a grand and explosive kiss. Finally I recalled the title! Handjob. Anyway, I felt the kiss.
-----
Dream Girls
by hippiedude©
I don't know, but maybe this is just too much:
to lay with me,
breast to breath,
writhe upon finger tip,
and paint the beautiful agony.
But damn, I do love the beautiful agony. I would write that!
-----
I've read a few but haven't really been keeping up with War Diaries.
War Diaries Day Fourteen by pipedream_ink© is an interesting read. If you've been reading the series, then check this one out.
-----
Circular by ShyErraticTable©
I wasn't sure if I was going to mention this one. But as I continued to read the poem, I changed my mind. Good poem and the last couple of lines are very good.
Still reading but wanted to post this first part before I lose it.
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
Thursday part 2
Hand me Down
by Rumpleteazer©
denis hale?
Um, this poem reminds me of another poet's work. Anyway, it's a wild ride. I like wild rides, especially when so many poems bore the pants right off my ass.
excerpt:
shorts-a half percent solution
to discount dungarees
the better stretch in a long runner.
Now, gather those trembling thighs to me
I'll show you a secret passed down through the suncaked forays of little boy's rooms,
pajama pow wows when the gods were still gods
& the reptiles ruled the earth ( making a comeback i hear)
raise them limbs like rotten fruities
ripe ripe caps*
& clutch those shadow threads too,
Oh, I want more of this. If you want more, well, go read it!
-----
And make sure to give these poems a read:
I Love Who I Want
by Mackenzie Taylor©
A Sad Refrain
by simply_dp©
Revved Motors
by AgentMeow©
Hand me Down
by Rumpleteazer©
denis hale?
Um, this poem reminds me of another poet's work. Anyway, it's a wild ride. I like wild rides, especially when so many poems bore the pants right off my ass.
excerpt:
shorts-a half percent solution
to discount dungarees
the better stretch in a long runner.
Now, gather those trembling thighs to me
I'll show you a secret passed down through the suncaked forays of little boy's rooms,
pajama pow wows when the gods were still gods
& the reptiles ruled the earth ( making a comeback i hear)
raise them limbs like rotten fruities
ripe ripe caps*
& clutch those shadow threads too,
Oh, I want more of this. If you want more, well, go read it!
-----
And make sure to give these poems a read:
I Love Who I Want
by Mackenzie Taylor©
A Sad Refrain
by simply_dp©
Revved Motors
by AgentMeow©
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
Thursday's POEM of the DAY
Dead Man's Underpants
by RisiaSkye©
(for Angeline & Wicked Eve)
Not only did Ms Risia find a way to use that hysterically absurd title, she actually wrote one hell of a poem! Am I surprised? No way!
what gets
left behind is sometimes something
simple: a pair of glasses, those paisley
boxers you never really liked,
that tattered copy of some silly
science fiction novel.
Dead Man's Underpants
by RisiaSkye©
(for Angeline & Wicked Eve)
Not only did Ms Risia find a way to use that hysterically absurd title, she actually wrote one hell of a poem! Am I surprised? No way!
what gets
left behind is sometimes something
simple: a pair of glasses, those paisley
boxers you never really liked,
that tattered copy of some silly
science fiction novel.
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