One heart, Two people... Help?

[lovechild27]

. I started a wild affair with him - he also had a girl at the time - and all the feelings I'd had as a teen came rushing back.

it may have been in the past when she cheated...but the damage was began then.

and then again, this could also be someone thinking they might get some real, helpful answers to what must surely be a very difficult situation?

difficult or not...she did do this to herself. Im asking her age out of curiosity. I dont think anyone here is doubting she needs some sort of help or advice.

Like everyone keeps saying...I do belive the answers lie within her own issues before the relationships she has messed up. Some people thrive on this kind of drama...thats not usually a healthy or productive trait to have.

 

[Alyx]

Reading this post so reminds me of a friend who went through a very similar situation. While she was not married (though it came close) and never had children (through sheer blind luck!), she still managed to make a mess of her life doing this same thing.

Her dealings with men were defined by one thing: The man of her dreams. This man, whom she met in high school, was never a boyfriend (though they went out a few times), but was the “perfect man” in her book. Everyone else was compared to him, and eventually came up lacking in one area or another. However, by the time she figured out that her current fiancé didn’t measure up; she’d made his life a living hell. Her string of fiancé’s are spread out through three different states, and generally referred to by number (Asshole #1, Asshole #2, etc). She would butt her way into relationships, tear them apart and walked away with the guy. Then, she gutted him.

The interesting thing was, through the years this was happening, she couldn’t see that the problem was hers, not theirs. She’d “loved” her dream man for 13 years, though they’d never had anything serious (sex was a fun way of passing time to him) and never really knew anything about each other.

She’s finally made the world safe again (her words) by not getting involved with anyone else until she can straighten out her own life. It’s taken her 13 years and a lot of guys to figure it out, but she’s a lot happier now. Had she added children to the mix of her messed up life, I can only imagine the trip they would have been forced to take through her own little twisted hell.

Chamelion, my advice to you would be to remove yourself from your current relationship and back off from your “spark”-y guy.

In the first case, your current man needs to find someone who loves him and feels a commitment towards him. Something you seem to be lacking.

In the second case, the man is married. Give him a chance to see if his current marriage can be worked out or a divorce can be started. Imagine yourself married to him and suddenly another woman is in the picture, screwing him, and your relationship with him. Don't think it isn't possible? He's already cheated on one woman that you know of, and working on a second.

Take yourself out of the “Me-Me-Me” mode. From what you said in your post, it would seem that, at this point in your life, you do not have it in you to be faithful or committed to anyone. You’ve cheated on one man are contemplating cheating on another. You can’t stop yourself from being with this man, even though it means being unfaithful? You feel no guilt over destroying your first marriage and dragging your current boyfriend through a repeat of your behavior with your husband? What about the situations you’re forcing your children into? Any guilt there?

Your children need you, and the stable influence you can give them, much more than you need a man. If this man truly does love you, he’ll understand that you need to get your life in order, and that HE needs to get a divorce before the two of you can get together.

~Alyx~

 

[hot n spicy]

My story

I havent experienced exactly the same thing, but it reminds me of my current position:
A bit over 3 years ago (I was 16 then) I had just gotten in to a kind of "relationship", and on our first date as an official item I met a good friend of his, and we just clicked ever since then everytime we saw eachother (which was pretty much always with the then current bf present) we were always chatting/laughing/dansing together etc and my bf hardly got any attention from both of us, shortly after he sort of got in to relationship with a good friend of mine, but still whenever we went out (which was like 3x a week atleast) we were always together and our partners were just standing there or off doing something else, in that time it became clear to both of us that we were actually interested in eachother and not our current partners though we never discussed cheating or breaking up with our current partners, he broke up with my friend (which was also because she cheated in front of him) and shortly after I broke up with his friend because well he´s a arrogant basterd, after which the other guy and I saw even more of eachother, then ones at the end of the evening we kissed and he told me he had feelings for me right from the start etc, but right at that moment my ex came walking by, and went argue about something (me?) with him and I didnt see him for another week or 2 after which everything changed and we hardly spoke to eachother anymore, then I met my current bf (who I´ve been with for 3yrs now) who I defenitely love, but I´m not in love with and doesnt attract me physically at all (he is still in love with me and wants to touch me all day). Recently I saw the other guy again he works in my neighbourhood and everything I felt for him kind of hit me in the face again I dont think I ever stopt having feelings for him I just forgot about them. And I found out he now has a girlfriend too. (which kind of sucks cause she´s really nice so I dont even succede at hating her), And though I wouldnt cheat on my current bf (who btw knows how I feel about the other guy) I dont know what I´de do if he was single again, and I dont seem to be able to get him out of my head, and it may be wishfullthinking, but from the way he responds when he sees me especially when his gf is there too, I think he still has feelings for me too. So mostly I just think that this sucks because I do love my bf and I dont want to lose him, I just cant stop myself from being in love with the other guy, and finding out if he really is everything I want and better, would mean breaking up with my current bf, and I´m not sure that´s worth it, because what if it would be the biggesy misstake of my life?
Anyway that´s my story.

xxx

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: My story

then I met my current bf (who I´ve been with for 3yrs now) who I defenitely love, but I´m not in love with and doesnt attract me physically at all (he is still in love with me and wants to touch me all day).

This story isn't really any different than the first story, except you're earlier in the cycle.

Why are you with a man whom you have no attraction for? Why are you settling for second best? Why has this first guy become your ideal standard when you really know so little about him?

Does he fart a lot? Get drunk regularily? Spend his money stupidly? Play around with a lot of other girls? Take drugs?

From your brief exposure of him, you've built up this fantasy image that I doubt will survive the light of day. And unfortunately now that you have this image, you hold up your current boyfriend against that and find he comes up short.

I've got news for you dearie, PRINCE CHARMING DOESN'T EXIST.

Real guys fart in bed, and in the tub! (Hey, the bubbles tickle!) We like to sit on the couch and sometimes we'll scratch our balls. We leave the seat up, the toothpaste cap off, and have been known to throw all the dirty clothes into the washing machine, regardless of color, or washing instructions. We can be dreadfully dense, especially when your busy dropping hints about something. We can be annoyingly loud and even occasionally uncouth.

You have a picture in your mind, that is of this guy as the perfect guy, when reality is probably much different. And you need to realize that now, before you end up messing up your life and spending it holding every other guy up against this image.

My first advice to you is to consider long and hard your current circumstances. You're with a man that loves you, but you don't really return his feelings. Its time to do the mature thing and break it off with him. Stringing him along when you don't really love him is cruel and its going to hurt him quite a lot in the long run.

Next thing. Get yourself some professional counseling. Try to understand what your doing and why. If you can face the fantasy and understand why you have it, you'll be able to do away with it.

Take a year or two off from a single relationship and just date. Understand who you are and when the time comes, you'll be better able to handle a relationship when it comes along.

You haven't wreaked the havoc of the first poster yet, but the potential is there, and you are on that road to disaster. What ever you do, DON'T GET PREGNANT!!!!

Get your life in order Hot. As long as you have that image in your mind, you're not going to be having healthy relationships. And its still early enough that you can fix things. Perhaps even learn that you do love your current boyfriend. But nothing happy is going to happen as long as you continue to hold every guy up to that ideal standard.

 

[lovechild27]

PRINCE CHARMING DOESN'T EXIST

As soon as the women of the world realize this and embrace this...I think everyone will be MUCH MUCH HAPPIER!

just like women cant be made up super models 24/7, men cant be there on a white horse every day all day to do your bidding and sweep you off your feet....

 

[James G 5]

Re: PRINCE CHARMING DOESN'T EXIST

As soon as the women of the world realize this and embrace this...I think everyone will be MUCH MUCH HAPPIER!

just like women cant be made up super models 24/7, men cant be there on a white horse every day all day to do your bidding and sweep you off your feet....

Exactly...when I talk about the "mindset" of monogamy, this is a big part of it
I have said again & again I have no problem with monogamy itself
but the IDEAS that support it, like the whole Prince Charming thing, lead to all sorts of dissapointments in relationships when things aren't as perfect as the fairy tales & the ideals
People need to be realistic about others and how "perfect" they will be and not look for that prince on a white horse (or the female equivalent thereof) to make their life happy & complete
Whether it be one partner or many people need to deal with some realism
my .02

 

[ReadyOne]

It's the dual reality that gets me.

I've talked with several women who were more than willing to go to bed with anyone who passed their screening. But they noted their screening process was much different for those who wanted a fling vs those who wanted a relationship.

I'd frequently pass women's criteria under the second set of rules. But I'd seldom pass under the first, as much as I wish I could. Cause when I do get into the bedroom, every willing partner of mine has had a good to fantasic experience and was always willing to cum do it again.

PS: I think I'm helping move off topic. 40 lashes!

 

[lovechild27]

I have no problem with monogamy itself

I agree completly with that...the idea that women are out there waiting to be rescued by a man who takes care of them is SO outdated yet we keep holding onto it even though its always disappointing and never turns out right.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Bobmi357]

To continue the hijack, there's nothing wrong with a woman (or a man for that matter) CHOSING to be single and being happy with that choice.

And there's also nothing wrong with that single person chosing to engage in sex (SSC, of course) outside of a romantic relationship and withOUT the intent of a romantic relationship developing from that.

Just justifying my existence

~Pink

LOL! Of course there isn't anything wrong with. But its not for everyone either. I don't know about you, but the idea of growing old and being alone doesn't sound like a lot of fun if you ask me.

I have to admit I didn't sow a lot of wild oats when I was growing up (few nerds do), and someday I might regret all the "might have beens". But I don't regret marrying again, I don't regret finding a woman I like sharing my life with. I certainly don't regret loving her.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[James G 5]

I've never regretted loving nor anything I've done for love. But I'm at a point in my life where I love myself and I love my friends dearly. My life is full and rich and fun and I don't feel like there's ANYTHING missing by not having a partner. In fact, I don't see how a partner could make my life any better than it is now. I'm not afraid of aging my myself. I like my own company and I don't need the security of having a man with me to make me comfortable with the prospect of old age.

This is not by any means a condemnation of those who feel differently or make different choices. And I know this choice isn't for most people. I just sometimes wish it was more accepted by people. I get tired of the misplaced pity I get from some folks when in reality it's more likely that I am happier with my life and myself than they are.

(I'm also a nerd, although I prefer the term geek. )

Here here!
And I vote for "Freak & Geek", as I am both

BTW Pink, may I have sex with you?

 

[ReadyOne]

(I'm also a nerd, although I prefer the term geek. ) [/B]

I suppose they'll add this post to my file use it against me in court someday, but I prefer to be called a "hacker" as in the good old days when a "hacker" could take a system with no documentation and figure out how to make it do whatever s/he wanted it to do. And since the manufacture or previous employee would stick the company with these undocumented monsters, being able to "hack" was considered a Very Good Thing.

I think now days they call people "crackers" (as in crazy?) but that still has some conentation of evil, as in cracking move encyption schemes.

When I put up a computer help ad, I was told to title it "You need a Geek". Still, I feel like a nerd when I say I'm a geek. (I'm neither, could be either.)

 

[lovechild27]

To continue the hijack, there's nothing wrong with a woman (or a man for that matter) CHOSING to be single and being happy with that choice.

some of the best sex ive had was with no intent for romance. I was in my late teens though when I went a little wild. My dirty little secret that no one knows I guess you could say. I think it made me appreciate the bond I have with my lover now more.

 

[77Cobra]

I knew a woman like you,matter of fact I knew a few.Boy,it sure was nice at the time to know that anytime I wanted I could go to these women and have them anytime I wanted,and yes like many other men ,I would say practically anything you wanted to hear to get in your pants.Nothing like the old standby.Think about it!!

 

[sheath]

I knew a woman like you,matter of fact I knew a few.Boy,it sure was nice at the time to know that anytime I wanted I could go to these women and have them anytime I wanted,and yes like many other men ,I would say practically anything you wanted to hear to get in your pants.Nothing like the old standby.Think about it!!

Ahem. Yeppers.

Ain't nothing like a Plan B.

S.

 

[love2xxx]

Hi there, im new to this tonight & was having a look about & wanted to say a few things if its ok? i really feel for you

it must feel awful not to be with the one you want to be with, and when i was reading that you cant bare the touch of your husband just made me cridge! why are you putting up with it.

And to have feelings that make you happy elseware must be so painful to you all. I feel that if you both are not totally happy where you are, you need to do something about it before its too late.
Why are you pretending? before you know it, your true love will go & you will be stuck with your current partner being more unhappy as time goes by crying out for the other guy. You need to find out from your other guy if hes serious about you enough. Is the other guy happy with just seeing you on a part time basis?

I see you now have children, dont know what ages but are they still at home or have they moved out now? A friend did say once that she couldnt stay with her husband just for her boys sake, as her unhappiness would have rubbed off on him if she didnt do anything about it, time does heal she said after the split.

You say you dont want to hurt your partner, but my thoughts are by pretending you are anyway. And more importantly you are hurting yourself. Its your life to you know.
Just have courage & go for it

I do know that if i felt the degree of love for somebody with that spark i would just have to be with him. I see some have said a fairytale etc, but whats wrong with being happy?
Maybe you should sit down with the other guy & find out if hes willing to part from his wife, if so I feel that you should stop contact with him while he does that, which will give you time to do the same with your partner.
Why not have time on your own but still see the other guy so you can have YOU time.

Best of luck to you
nina,

flip, just saw the time! got work tomorrow. bye have strength

 

[love2xxx]

just to let you know my origanal post was re: chamelion, help!
Was getting tired and forgot some things the other night,
i wasnt sure how the post was gonna be displayed when I done it.
Wanted to put this on aswell if it helps you..
True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does

Just take your time chamelion, if the other guy does really love you he should understand & be willing to wait while he sorts himself out aswell.
I personally think you should be on your own & just date him for a short time & then step it up from there, (in more ways than one
)
Right I think thats all i wanted to say, lol, yep!

Bye
N