One-liners. Okay--two, tops.

[Salvor-Hardon]

If all the girls at Yale university were laid end to end on the sidewalk, no one would really be that surprised.

 

[AppleBiter]

Why did God make men?

Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.



And to even things out, so the guys don't think I'm picking on them:


A guy's wife left him and when his buddy came over to console him, he noticed that there was a tampon sitting on the TV. He asked his friend, "Why is there a tampon on the TV?"

His friend replied, "I put it there to remind myself of the cunt that took the VCR."

(so it's a little over one line . . . sue me)

 

[Liar]

What's the worst part about skydiving with a blind person?

The screaming dog.

Am I tired, or was that one just brilliant?




What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.


What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.

 

[Guest]

Why is it called golf?

All the other four letter words were taken.

 

[Boota]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer... and a mop."

A baby seal walks into a club.

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

How many country western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to sing about the bulb they lost.

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
Nothing.

 

[TheEarl]

2x + (4b)^3 walked into a bar. The barman looks at it and says "Sorry mate, we don't cater for functions."

The Earl

 

[Dar~]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulbs?
two, the problem is getting them in it.

What did the blonde say to the doctor who told her she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?

Have you heard of Chirpies?
its a canarial disease thats untweetable.

Why did the bride wear white at her wedding?
b/c it's best for the dishwasher to match the fridge and the stove.

 

[CharleyH]

Guy walks into a shrink's office totally naked and wrapped in cellophane.

"Well," says the doctor. "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Jesus Doc ... you cracked a smile outta me, but where are your priorities of a year ago!

 

[gauchecritic]

Zoot, made up as a black and white minstrel walks into Professor Charlie H's psychiatric clinic on Venus and says: "Proff, I'm feeling a bit under the weather."

"WILL YOU LIGHTEN UP!!"

 

[mlady_france]

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?


He sold his soul to Santa.

We have that on a bumper sticker at my shop (dyslexic devil worshipers sell there souls to Santa), one of my favs!

Another one is:


I didn't sell my soul to Satan,
but we did work out a nice rent to own program.

 

[glynndah]

Two old ladies are sitting on their rocking chairs on the front porch when Lucy turns to her friend and asks, "Mlldred, do you remember the minuet?"
"Good heavens, no." replies Mildred. "I can't even remember the ones I fucked."

 

[CharleyH]

Zoot, made up as a black and white minstrel walks into Professor Charlie H's psychiatric clinic on Venus and says: "Proff, I'm feeling a bit under the weather."

"WILL YOU LIGHTEN UP!!"

Dr. Charley responds laughing out loud, "neither black or white is a colour unless speaking to Michael Jackson, so what was the pleasure? (flogger slowly coming out of back, latex pocket.) "You prefer me lighter like a Pillsbury dough boy? Rising in a major way?

 

[lil_elvis]

Yeah, I posted this before, but I like it (especially since it was told to me by my 14 year old daughter

If a bisexual goes missing, do they put his picture on a carton of half and half?

 

[glynndah]

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snowblower coming.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.

Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.

How do you eat a frog?
Put one leg over each ear.

 

[joeys-game]

How many bodybuilders does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to change the bulb and two to stand around saying
"man, you look 'huge' when you do that"

 

[Guest]

Did you hear about the woman that went fishing with seven guys and came home with a big red snapper?

 

[TheEarl]

How many bodybuilders does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to change the bulb and two to stand around saying
"man, you look 'huge' when you do that"

<snorts>

The Earl

 

[Guest]

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

Wave.

 

[yui]

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't bother ... he won't come anyway.

 

[Dar~]

how do you make a chiuhauhua say woof?
dip him in gasoline and light a match. WOOF!

How do you make a chiuhauhau say meow?
Tie him to you rbumper and go ninety down the highway .MMMMEEEEEEEEEooow!

 

[togitc]

What's long, green, and smells of sausage?
Kermit's Finger

Is viagra cosher?
Not if it leads to pork

Blind guy walks into a bar, his dog laughs.

 

[thebullet]

Q) How many hands does Helen Keller use to masturbate?
A) Two. One hand to rub and one hand to moan.

 

[rgraham666]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

 

[Guest]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

One do you call a one man band with no arms and no legs?

Stump the band.

 

[thebullet]

What's gray and comes in quarts?

An elephant.