Partners Losing Their Luster?

[Jackotheshadows]

Okay, just a warning here. This thread may sound superficial, callous, shallow, and about a dozen other synonyms. I get that, but this is an honest question, so before flaming me toasty, think about it..

What happens in a marriage/partnership when one person doesn't find the other sexually attractive anymore? We've been married for three years, and together for seven. Similar to a different thread in here, I love her very much, and we have fun together. She's bright, patient, and loving....but through an evil set of coincidences (a three year old, crazy work hours, bad diet, PCOS) her appearance has changed a lot. I'm no prize, keep in mind, but I do exercise (family history of heart disease makes me) and I watch what I eat, but I'm just a normal, average guy.

Thing is, when we get naked, one hopes to get a little jolt of "whooo he's/she's naked and looks yummy", and I don't, anymore. I know, we're all normal people, no supermodels here, so I don't expect my wife to look like Selma Hayek or Katherine Heigel. And I would *never* dream of saying anything to her, because that is just mean and cruel, and I do love her very much. But how long can love and affection trump appearance?

So, am I crazy, shallow or what?

 

[koalabear]

I vote for shallow, but that is what the me, me, me generation is. Most people think the grass is always greener somewhere else. Till they get there and find even more weeds.

 

[Jackotheshadows]

I appreciate the sentiment. I tried the greener grace (divorced once), and would rather not try it again, since you're right, it was not a whole lot of fun.

Maybe no one else has run into this. Maybe shallow is right. But I don't want to get to a point where I'm turned off enough that I can't make her or myself happy, either. Which was the point of me asking in here.....

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

hate to make judgement calls but,,,yeah,,,i would say it sounds shallow.
Dont know the entire story either,,,I hope you can get it all sorted.

 

[koalabear]

I appreciate the sentiment. I tried the greener grace (divorced once), and would rather not try it again, since you're right, it was not a whole lot of fun.

Maybe no one else has run into this. Maybe shallow is right. But I don't want to get to a point where I'm turned off enough that I can't make her or myself happy, either. Which was the point of me asking in here.....

When you had that child, it should have become thee most important thing in your life bar none. Try talking it over with your wife, most people seem to skip that step in this age. There are many things you can do as a family to get in shape and stay in shape. Sitting in front of a boob tube or computer would not be one of them. Get out and live and don't sit around and get moldy. Life is what you make it, you are the only one that can make you happy. Ok enough wisdom for the day.......

 

[Sassyfrass]

It does sound shallow....but I understand where you're coming from....
I've been married 26yr. and my partner is 12yr. older to boot....
He's definitely let himself go....but the brain is a wonderful thing.....close your eyes and fantasize.....

Edited to add....kids are not an excuse to be out of shape...especially if said kid is 3 now.....
I've had 4 kids......

 

[Jackotheshadows]

I do fantasize, and so far things are going okay. I just wanted a bit of a gut check to see just how far off base I am. And to koala's point, my daughter is important in my life (spending 10 days in the NICU ensures that!), but a strong marriage in all of it's myriad aspects is the best thing for kids, right? I'll just continue to do my diet and exercise thing and see if it rubs off. Very least, I won't keel over from a heart attack anytime soon!

 

[koalabear]

I do fantasize, and so far things are going okay. I just wanted a bit of a gut check to see just how far off base I am. And to koala's point, my daughter is important in my life (spending 10 days in the NICU ensures that!), but a strong marriage in all of it's myriad aspects is the best thing for kids, right? I'll just continue to do my diet and exercise thing and see if it rubs off. Very least, I won't keel over from a heart attack anytime soon!

As Dr. Phil says....(ok hold the lol'ing) Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. Just make sure you talk it out first. Unless of course you just married the body and not the Lady.

 

[DeadlyFemme]

When you had that child, it should have become thee most important thing in your life bar none. Try talking it over with your wife, most people seem to skip that step in this age. There are many things you can do as a family to get in shape and stay in shape. Sitting in front of a boob tube or computer would not be one of them. Get out and live and don't sit around and get moldy. Life is what you make it, you are the only one that can make you happy. Ok enough wisdom for the day.......

Try ways to exercise together without saying exercise. Ask her to go for a walk after dinner or plan family outings to a park so everyone gets in on the fun. Kite Flying is fun and you'll run your ass off in the process of getting the damned thing up in the air.

My parents and I are avid river rafters, spending a summer rowing a raft down class four rapids will definitely give you firmer abs and trim your arms.

Point is, if you're being active and want your wife to be too, find something the family can do together.

 

[Guest]

I feel for you Jack.

I don't think it's shallow, especially depending on the reasons.

I'm married to a pretty decent guy myself - even better than I deserve, I think sometimes.

However - he's a big guy - a reeeeealy big guy. It's summer. He sweats.

You know - I would really love to come to bed and have him make an attempt to make himself more attractive. I suggest a shower - together - and it's "What - you're saying I stink?"

Yeah, as a matter of fact I am. Feel free to reciprocate anytime, truly. I won't be offended.

I feel when you make love to someone, you should care enough not necessarily about whether you're Mr or Ms. It, but that you are the best you can be.

Sometimes it's hard to feel attracted/aroused when your partner forgets that. Or doesn't care about themselves or their partner enough to do it.

 

[Jackotheshadows]

I feel for you Jack.

I don't think it's shallow, especially depending on the reasons.

I'm married to a pretty decent guy myself - even better than I deserve, I think sometimes.

However - he's a big guy - a reeeeealy big guy. It's summer. He sweats.

You know - I would really love to come to bed and have him make an attempt to make himself more attractive. I suggest a shower - together - and it's "What - you're saying I stink?"

Yeah, as a matter of fact I am. Feel free to reciprocate anytime, truly. I won't be offended.

I feel when you make love to someone, you should care enough not necessarily about whether you're Mr or Ms. It, but that you are the best you can be.

Sometimes it's hard to feel attracted/aroused when your partner forgets that. Or doesn't care about themselves or their partner enough to do it.

It is certainly complicated. She isn't happy with how she looks either, so it makes her very, very sensitive. Unfortunately, her work is such (horse vet) that she has long hours and periods of on call that make exercise, let alone family time, a challenge. Oh well, right?

 

[Guest]

It is certainly complicated. She isn't happy with how she looks either, so it makes her very, very sensitive. Unfortunately, her work is such (horse vet) that she has long hours and periods of on call that make exercise, let alone family time, a challenge. Oh well, right?

Yep - sensitivity..that's such a tough one to get around.

You do what you have to. I have noseplugs.

 

[Jackotheshadows]

Yep - sensitivity..that's such a tough one to get around.

You do what you have to. I have noseplugs.

It's never boring, that's for sure.

 

[MissBaby]

Well, I'm new here as you can see, but this topic caught my eye. I feel the exact same way about my husband... actually, we are seperated now, and this is one of the reasons. Your not shallow at all. I'd love to get butterflies again, or think to myself "wow... he's HAWT!" lol. But... it's not there anymore, if it ever really was. Just lettin' ya know, your not the only one in this situation.

 

[Jackotheshadows]

I appreciate that. It sounds like it's not as uncommon as I thought, especially for those of us who love their other halves, but struggle with a very human challenge.

 

[SecretLove69]

See, and you thought you were all alone.......well...........YOU'RE NOT!!!

http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q281/Diane1759A/mommababysleeping.jpg​

 

[Annabell4you]

It is certainly complicated. She isn't happy with how she looks either, so it makes her very, very sensitive. Unfortunately, her work is such (horse vet) that she has long hours and periods of on call that make exercise, let alone family time, a challenge. Oh well, right?

If she's not happy with herself it's hard for both of you. Not shallow at all! Sexual attraction is important. Turn out the lights and imagine she is how she wishes she still was.... Good luck!

 

[koalabear]

If she's not happy with herself it's hard for both of you. Not shallow at all! Sexual attraction is important. Turn out the lights and imagine she is how she wishes she still was.... Good luck!

did you notice the thread is over 4 years old..............

 

[Aquagal]

Jack still roams the halls, I wonder how this played out.

 

[Annabell4you]

did you notice the thread is over 4 years old..............

Sorry... On my phone its hard to see the tiny dates. My bad....

 

[Azuldrgon]

The thread may be old, but the topic is not.

I came to terms years ago that I am losing my luster to my mate and she is to me as well. But what I found was that the feeling of lust towards her was replaced by a more genuine desire that transcends her outer shell. There are times I wonder what she sees in me and what I see in her, but we're still together and it feels correct.

 

[sereneone4u]

With my spouse it is not an outer appearance issue...physically I find him highly attractive...he is 6ft, broad shouldered and lean hipped, very handsome-brown hair and green eyes with gold flecks...women hit on him all the time..

but it is more trust and respect issues that repel me.

 

[StilettosNSpurs]

Jack still roams the halls, I wonder how this played out.

I was wondering the same thing when I saw the original dates.

I think I lost the luster for my husband due to his lack of wanting me. I lost the weight, I tried to make myself more attractive to him and he still wasn't interested in me sexually. Course if you ask him, he'll say he is/was.

I believe people just drift apart.