The Purpose of Sex

[SmokingFap]

I was just pointing out that the goal of always ending in orgasm is pretty selfish... and that could be stilted emotional issues.

So are you saying that anyone who wants to orgasm is selfish?

 

[SmokingFap]

Resolved: Sex is for fucking, not for cumming
Discuss.

My wife and I have been reading a book called "Sexual Intelligence" by Marty Klein. It's all about developing a healthy mind about sex. Basically it's about improving your sex life by knowing yourself and your partner better, not by any sexal technique or trick. We are getting a lot out of it. Klein talks a lot about orgasms. He says that focusing on orgasm is unhealthy and incorrect. We should consider an orgasm like dessert to a meal. It's not the main event, but it's a nice bonus. This thinking has been a major change for both of us. My wife doesn't have to worry about cumming (Will I? Can I?) I don't have to worry about whether or not she cums (Am I pleasing her enough?)

He also talks about adapting to our bodies as they are, not as we want them to be. We are in our 60s and our bodies do not work like they did in our 20s and 30s. I'm not as hard, she's not as wet. How do we make those things work? Is it still sex if there's no penetration? (Yes, it is.)

The last two times we've made love, since getting to this part in the book, have been a revelation. (Background: I just had shoulder surgery and am basically one-armed while recovering. Sex is her on top only.) What's different is that we're not fucking to cum any more. We're fucking to fuck. She got on top of me and moved some, but also stayed still. We just enjoyed the feelings of me being inside her, touching each other with hands and mouths. I lasted longer than I've ever lasted, without even much effort. The joy of sex for me is having a hard cock, and being inside my wife. I could probably spend hours that way. And if neither of us have an orgasm, it's fine. We're spending time being intimate with each other, and being horny and turned on.

Back to my premise: The purpose of sex is to enjoy fucking. Fucking means kissing and touching, means eating her pussy and sucking my cock. Means me being inside her. Means our hands and mouths all over each other. Means whispering words of love and words of lust. It also means having orgasms. Fucking means all of those things, and whatever specifically happens or doesn't happen are less important than that we're doing sex together. I'm telling you, this realization blew my mind. Last night I had the best sex I've ever had in my life, and I can't wait to repeat that.

I'm willing to bet many of you guys already knew this. How did you learn it? How does it affect your sex life? What else do you know about having great sex - not techniques but thoughts and knowledge?

I would say that the purpose of sex, like most things in life, is different for everyone. And telling anyone else what sex SHOULD mean to them is arrogant and meaningless.

 

[dkak001]

So are you saying that anyone who wants to orgasm is selfish?

No, I don't think so. Rather, by focusing primarily on orgasm many people miss all of the other aspects that make great sex great. This may not be an issue for you personally, but for many orgasm can cloud those other things.

When you read the book, it's clear that many people miss the point of sex, as a way to connect with your partner. A pretty easy read, it's a good reminder that it's worthwhile spending energy to focus on these other aspects of sex. It reminds the already informed of the importance of this intimacy, as well as educate the uninformed.

No it doesn't say wanting an orgasm is selfish. It hints that by focusing elsewhere the sex can be just as good or even better even without one. As we age, this is a worthwhile skill.

 

[SmokingFap]

No, I don't think so. Rather, by focusing primarily on orgasm many people miss all of the other aspects that make great sex great. This may not be an issue for you personally, but for many orgasm can cloud those other things.

When you read the book, it's clear that many people miss the point of sex, as a way to connect with your partner. A pretty easy read, it's a good reminder that it's worthwhile spending energy to focus on these other aspects of sex. It reminds the already informed of the importance of this intimacy, as well as educate the uninformed.

No it doesn't say wanting an orgasm is selfish. It hints that by focusing elsewhere the sex can be just as good or even better even without one. As we age, this is a worthwhile skill.

I was actually replying to someone else, but that's an intelligent and rational philosophy.

 

[DaddysYogaBabyGirl]

So are you saying that anyone who wants to orgasm is selfish?

Of course not.. you took my reply out of context.

my original reply....

But, not all men are working towards our orgasm. If the orgasm is all men want they can just masturbate... and many in "dead bed" relationships only have that. Younger guys can't always control their orgasms... they just show off their manhood and squirt without much effort. I think if you're both going in just focused on the orgasm it can be truly disappointing. He may cum faster than you... then what? Depending on his bedroom etiquette he may not go in for the extra oral or the determined fingering to help get you off. He may be insensitive and out for the count.

Or.. what if he is struggling with ED issues? Right in the middle he's run out of steam and stiffness... if you aren't focused on the orgasm... the enjoyment can still be in the kissing and hugs and touching and body contact.

Striving for the LOVE MAKING more than FUCKING is far better and it doesn't end up being a disappointment.

 

[NemoNautilus]

Resolved: Sex is for fucking, not for cumming
Discuss.

My wife and I have been reading a book called "Sexual Intelligence" by Marty Klein. It's all about developing a healthy mind about sex. Basically it's about improving your sex life by knowing yourself and your partner better, not by any sexal technique or trick. We are getting a lot out of it. Klein talks a lot about orgasms. He says that focusing on orgasm is unhealthy and incorrect. We should consider an orgasm like dessert to a meal. It's not the main event, but it's a nice bonus. This thinking has been a major change for both of us. My wife doesn't have to worry about cumming (Will I? Can I?) I don't have to worry about whether or not she cums (Am I pleasing her enough?)

He also talks about adapting to our bodies as they are, not as we want them to be. We are in our 60s and our bodies do not work like they did in our 20s and 30s. I'm not as hard, she's not as wet. How do we make those things work? Is it still sex if there's no penetration? (Yes, it is.)

The last two times we've made love, since getting to this part in the book, have been a revelation. (Background: I just had shoulder surgery and am basically one-armed while recovering. Sex is her on top only.) What's different is that we're not fucking to cum any more. We're fucking to fuck. She got on top of me and moved some, but also stayed still. We just enjoyed the feelings of me being inside her, touching each other with hands and mouths. I lasted longer than I've ever lasted, without even much effort. The joy of sex for me is having a hard cock, and being inside my wife. I could probably spend hours that way. And if neither of us have an orgasm, it's fine. We're spending time being intimate with each other, and being horny and turned on.

Back to my premise: The purpose of sex is to enjoy fucking. Fucking means kissing and touching, means eating her pussy and sucking my cock. Means me being inside her. Means our hands and mouths all over each other. Means whispering words of love and words of lust. It also means having orgasms. Fucking means all of those things, and whatever specifically happens or doesn't happen are less important than that we're doing sex together. I'm telling you, this realization blew my mind. Last night I had the best sex I've ever had in my life, and I can't wait to repeat that.

I'm willing to bet many of you guys already knew this. How did you learn it? How does it affect your sex life? What else do you know about having great sex - not techniques but thoughts and knowledge?

We had that last night. It was amazing

 

[TheUKGent]

For me, sex is the journey and not the destination. Sometimes you can have really great sex, and then the orgasm at the end is a bit of a let down maybe because you didn't want to cum but something pushed you over the edge before you were ready perhaps, or for any other number of reasons.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good orgasm and am more than happy to take the DIY approach if the option isn't there with someone else

There are few things better than having both the time and the space to take your time and not rush to orgasm because of outside constraints.

This doesn't mean that I don't love a quickie or anything like that, but that too is part of the needs of the moment rather than just going for orgasm.

 

[Sweetdreams71]

No, I don't think so. Rather, by focusing primarily on orgasm many people miss all of the other aspects that make great sex great. This may not be an issue for you personally, but for many orgasm can cloud those other things.

When you read the book, it's clear that many people miss the point of sex, as a way to connect with your partner. A pretty easy read, it's a good reminder that it's worthwhile spending energy to focus on these other aspects of sex. It reminds the already informed of the importance of this intimacy, as well as educate the uninformed.

No it doesn't say wanting an orgasm is selfish. It hints that by focusing elsewhere the sex can be just as good or even better even without one. As we age, this is a worthwhile skill.

Guess I should read this book, I used to think sex brought you closer in a relationship. But the older I get the more I see it as just basic anatomy and needs, aka hormones. The more open society gets on our needs, the less intimate I see sex becoming. Years ago you didn't have sex with just anyone, you waited for the special someone. Now with birth control and now our society is more accepting of non marital sex and open marriages, I see it more as just entertainment, like going to the movies.

I see sex in the future being very "mainstream" and not something that is just in the bedroom anymore.

Years ago women had to worry about pregnancy and child rearing, life has changed since then.

 

[bestkeptsecret678]

A fascinating thread!

Someone earlier commented on the best sex is that which happens between our ears; which in itself, opens the door to all the opinions expressed here: connection, love, lust, pleasure, etc. These all exist in our brain and our brains are all unique, so it’s all accurate on an individual level.

Although there was no mention of anticipation. For this man, the more the better.

(Sorry to still make it about me!)

 

[DirkCamacho]

I would say that the purpose of sex, like most things in life, is different for everyone. And telling anyone else what sex SHOULD mean to them is arrogant and meaningless.

It's just a conversation starter. If you're offended, move along.

 

[NeonSubtlety]

I took a sex education class in 5th grade from a priest (this explains so much).

You’re all sinners.

 

[Mo_Bandy]

Purpose of sex? Muh fuckers gotta find a use for all those rubbers I bought off clearance rack.

 

[LisaMayTurner]

I always though the purpose of sex was to enjoy bad food in very naughty ways and in very unsuitable places.

 

[KentLondon]

It's sad to read about so many sexless couples here on Lit.

I hate bragging but my wife and I are now in our 70s and enjoying the best sex of our long married lives.

For us, the purpose of sex is cementing a loving relationship and looking after each other, in and out of bed.

Good sex is there with us all the time: the little knowing smiles, holding hands, and the touching and kissing that create mini whirlwinds of endorphins even when we are on a stroll in the countryside.

 

[Xxllrs69xx]

For me it’s the foreplay. The stroking, licking and sucking of each other’s erogenous zones. It’s easy and very dissatisfying to simply fuck to simply achieve an orgasm. Perhaps that’s why edging is very satisfying.