Partners secret's

[mrboom]

Has anyone ever fond out there partner has been hiding a secret?

My ex had fallen out with her best friend. It was a year later I fond out why. She and another girlfriend of hers had been having threesomes with her boyfriend. It didn’t come as that much of a shock to me, knowing her as I did but for her friend it was a different matter.

 

[NoJo]

Has anyone ever fond out there partner has been hiding a secret?

My ex had fallen out with her best friend. It was a year later I fond out why. She and another girlfriend of hers had been having threesomes with her boyfriend. It didn’t come as that much of a shock to me, knowing her as I did but for her friend it was a different.

Looks like you've cut and pasted the first para of a story, there, mrbroom. And you missed out the the last word, too, which is either "matter", or "aubergine".

 

[mrboom]

Not a story yet but could be. Thanks for the heads up.

 

[NoJo]

Not a story yet but could be. Thanks for the heads up.

Hey, you're a punk! Fine chap.

 

[mrboom]

I’ve always wanted to travel Italia.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Personally.... anything that happened before Mr. WOK is none of Mr. WOK's business. For all he knows I jumped the entire rugby team in college. It's just no one's business.

Has he found out a few things since we got together and been upset? Sure. Did he throw them up in my face later? Absolutely. Case and point as to why it is no one's business. If you don't have the EXACT right relationship, revealing things from your past can be risky business.

Now I know some people are going to jump all over me about how all relationships must be completely open and honest. Well... I'm absolutely thrilled that that works for you. Now zooming back down to planet reality... people say and do things when they are hurt and angry that they might otherwise never say because it would betray a confidence. At least twice in the 5 years since we have been together he has mentioned that my ex performed homosexual acts on men for heroin (mind you it happened 4 years before my ex and I were together...and yes he had a test for the hivvvs before we jumped in the sack). That's just not fun.

What matters is who you are now...not how you got here.

So, the point of my very lengthy ramblings is that what happened before you were in the picture is absolutely none of your business in this little gnome's opinion.

~WOK

 

[OhMissScarlett]

I've had more than a few boyfriends realize that they're gay. It seems to happen to my readers too, so maybe it really is me and not them.

 

[Boota]

My girlfriend knows all my (former) secrets, but she wishes she didn't.

 

[mrboom]

I couldn’t be with someone if I couldn’t be open and honest about myself.

I have been lucky that most of my partners where self-assured people who weren’t threatened by my past.

 

[gauchecritic]

I think WoK's got a point. If not for your past, you wouldn't be who you are.

If you weren't who you are now, would your partner still fancy you?

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Has anyone ever fond out there partner has been hiding a secret?

Yes, several times with my ex. I never really understood it, but it spoke volumes about the level of trust and communication present in our relationship. I also hid things from him for short periods of time, but was eventually forthcoming.

Timing + Size of Secret = Heaven or Hell... depending.

~lucky

 

[Guest]

 

[minsue]

Don't we all have secrets, even unintentionally?

Really, I don't think there is anyone that knows everything about me. Not because I'm secretive, on the contrary I've an irritating habit of babbling on and on about myself , but simply because it's just not possible.

 

[jill999]

We all have secrets. I have some that I will never tell and I expect that my hubby has a few of his own. If after 18 years of marriage he has not told me about something then I probrably don't want to know it.

There is one secret he has kept for all the years which I know just a little about. He briefly dated my sister before she broke up with him. Then about a year later I met him and we started dating before I realized this was the same guy my sister had rejected.

It made for an interesting start to our friendship, romance and finally marriage. I have never asked Jim, my hubby, or Carol, my sis, to disclose the details of that time in their lives.

I use to be currious about it, but I think it is best that it remains a mystery to me.

Jill

 

[BlackShanglan]

I waited until the third date to tell my SO that I'm a horse.


Oh, all right. I haven't hidden anything, really - on the theory that my past is part of who I am, and on the whole I'm not ashamed of it. Some things one doesn't mention simply because they are tedious; in fact, if you really want to put your new amorati off of asking about secrets, I highly recommend dumping them all at once. Really, nothing is quite as dull as hearing about someone else's sex life; s/he will beg you to stop. The only drawback is that you may bore a potential lover right out of the picture.

There are a few secrets that I think one has a right to know about a potential lover:

1) Presence of a disease.
2) Past actions that entail heightened risk of disease.

If the relationship is to be an emotional one of more than brief duration, I think it also important to be honest about:

1) Sexual orientation.
2) Sexual history in relative terms. I think it's fair to know if partners are in roughly the same ballpark; this is not merely a history but also an expression of one's attitude toward sex.
3) Current or past marriages.
4) Illegal activities past or present.
5) History of addiction problems.
6) History of mental health problems.
7) Medical issues that will affect long term relationship goals (infertility, gender reassignment, terminal disease, etc.)

I'm not at all suggesting that any of these things should be reasons for rejecting a partner. I only feel that the other partner really has a right to this information.

Shanglan

 

[NoJo]

I think WoK's got a point. If not for your past, you wouldn't be who you are.

If you weren't who you are now, would your partner still fancy you?

In your case, definitely.

 

[Goldie Munro]

Don't we all have secrets, even unintentionally?

Really, I don't think there is anyone that knows everything about me. Not because I'm secretive, on the contrary I've an irritating habit of babbling on and on about myself , but simply because it's just not possible.

Min - that is very deep! But true I think!

 

[minsue]

Min - that is very deep! But true I think!

Deep?! Moi? Must be the fever

 

[BlackShanglan]

Deep?! Moi? Must be the fever

Must ... resist ... urge ... to make ... filthy ... comment!



Hope you get better soon, Min. *nuzzle*


Shanglan

 

[minsue]

Must ... resist ... urge ... to make ... filthy ... comment!



Hope you get better soon, Min. *nuzzle*


Shanglan

Now why on earth would you resist the urge, Shanglan?

 

[gauchecritic]

In your case, definitely.

You talkin' ta me?

You talkin' to me ?

Oh my, I've been wondering all day who sent that card.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I agree with Min that some secrets aren't intentionally kept, and I'll take it a step further and say that I don't believe being in a relationship requires the airing of all secrets. We remain individuals even though we may be part of a couple. Intimacy can still be real and powerful without full disclosure. I think it depends on the secret.

 

[Guest]

It's been my experience that usually the desire by a partner to "know everything" comes out of fear and insecurity. The proof is when they find out and then can't handle it. E.g., James Joyce begged (literally in writing) Nora to tell him exactly who she'd had before him, what she did, what part of him she did it with, etc. Then he spent years obsessively jealous of the past and tormented that she'd be unfaithful to him.

It's not necessarily a matter of keeping a secret, sometimes trust and the desire to share only comes in good time. One day I began saying something about my mother to a good friend. I'd known her for several years and we'd shared much of our intimate lives with each other. She stopped suddenly, took hold of me and exclaimed, "You have a mother?!" I'd never once spoken of my mother so she'd presumed my mom was dead. My mother was not a subject spoken of easily to anyone but I had not consciously kept the subject from my friend.

I learned long ago not to tell new lovers about my past, not for a while anyway.

Perdita

 

[angela146]

We all have secrets. I have some that I will never tell and I expect that my hubby has a few of his own. If after 18 years of marriage he has not told me about something then I probrably don't want to know it.

While I understand respect the fact that you and your hubby keep a few secrets from each other, there really are some of us who do not keep non-trivial secrets from our spouses.

And before anyone nitpicks, by "non-trivial" I mean birthday presents and other surprizes.

 

[Boota]

My policy is basically, "If she doesn't ask, I won't tell."

But, if she asks me a question she had better expect an honest answer, because I won't lie.