Poly...When 3 is not a Crowd.

[Dribble]

Yesterday wasn't one of them huh Tol? <3
In the drama of yesterday I never responded to this post from you.
Thank you. And now I'll say in public what you've said probably 100 times already.
I love you.

THIS is why I have gravitated from my old frequent of the GB to here. This is magic

 

[LostGirlTink]

This is an informational and insightful post written with an obviously objective viewpoint. I really like the comment about considering the relationship as a lease. As well as Leigh's thoughtful realization that her marriage is first and her recognition of how temporary what they have with her friend is. That's a lot of honesty and strength, not to mention wisdom.

It is interesting and a well written post and what she has would never work for me.
I'm in this as part of this, not a temporary feature.

 

[tnman03]

It is interesting and a well written post and what she has would never work for me.
I'm in this as part of this, not a temporary feature.

 

[tolyk]

It is interesting and a well written post and what she has would never work for me.
I'm in this as part of this, not a temporary feature.

Yes you are

 

[cookiecat]

One person's motives are 99.9% of the time not what another perceives them as. What happened last night, I suspect is a common thread in the fabric of a poly relationships, just as they are in normal. As a non-standard relationship, I am naturally curious. If my experience is limited, I can only ask questions from my point of view...as an outsider...and of ignorance. I may have no clue what is hurtful...I am ignorant of so many things. But that doesn't mean I ever meant to hurt anyone. Or cross a line I didn't know existed.

So, how do we as adults rectify this? I agree with EY...this should be more openly discussed instead of pushed down. I think it is important. Seems to me the answer is simple...we have better rules...kinda like setting up a relationship from the beginning. Then we as willing participants have the opportunity to make the choice any relationship makes...am I willing to follow the rules? Or not? Just my 2 cents from the cheap seats I reside.

How about just say what we feel without gigantic inflammatory swear words?

I see the term, "the other woman" come up in this conversation.
In our case, Ashley is the other woman. She likes being the other woman & she is much closer to me than she is to my husband. She has actually said herself that she looks at this as a type of lease.
My husband & I (our marriage) comes first so she isn't an equal in certain aspects. She knows this, accepts this & prefers this. Our situation will eventually end. When it does I believe that my husband & I will live a monogamous marriage afterwards. This is a 1 in a million situation.

No way would we be doing this if kids were involved. No way would it work if she lived a long distance away.
Everyone is different & the relationships I see in this thread would never work for me/us. But I'm sure that our situation wouldn't work for others as well.
AlwaysFara mentioned communication and sacrifice. You really need good communication but sacrifice depends on each individual situation. In our case there isn't much sacrificing & absolutely no drama.

L

L

Each of us sees poly through our own situational lens. My family has great influence over my decisions. Although I don't have kids, I get together with my immediate family quite often.

When I dipped my toes in to the poly waters, bringing my guy and our "friend" to a family function was insanely awkward. I could've made the choice to not ask him to come. Or ask her not to come. But I wanted to live this life in an honest way. I tried it on for size. I didn't introduce her as our girlfriend or anything other than a friend. None of us made any displays of affection. It was a pretty generic get together And yet, it was still uncomfortable. That's just how it rolled.

I want my life to be comfortable and drama free. That seems to be key, right? As I go forward, I have to look at my entire picture. How all the puzzle pieces fit.

 

[Dribble]

How about just say what we feel without gigantic inflammatory swear words?

Because I know my motive. There was no accusatory attack there. If you feel you know me better than I know myself...cool. If you think it could have been worded better. Fine. I am ignorant. It doesn't change my motive to what you think I meant by it.

Edit : On second read... I may be misinterpreting this... I don't know...

 

[Erotically_Yours]

I see the term, "the other woman" come up in this conversation.
In our case, Ashley is the other woman. She likes being the other woman & she is much closer to me than she is to my husband. She has actually said herself that she looks at this as a type of lease.
My husband & I (our marriage) comes first so she isn't an equal in certain aspects. She knows this, accepts this & prefers this. Our situation will eventually end. When it does I believe that my husband & I will live a monogamous marriage afterwards. This is a 1 in a million situation.

No way would we be doing this if kids were involved. No way would it work if she lived a long distance away.
Everyone is different & the relationships I see in this thread would never work for me/us. But I'm sure that our situation wouldn't work for others as well.
AlwaysFara mentioned communication and sacrifice. You really need good communication but sacrifice depends on each individual situation. In our case there isn't much sacrificing & absolutely no drama.

L

L

This is almost identical to a previous arrangement I had while married. The three of us worked together, and what started as co-workers becoming friends outside of work evolved into something more. This girl’s curiosity about other women being the catalyst. First it was me and her only being intimate, but then it later included my then husband. Once things had progressed to that point, we set up the understanding that my husband came first, and she wanted her space and finacial freedom.

The only difference between us and Leigh’s current dynamic is that we didn’t see it as a temporary thing. We acknowledged the possiblity of it ending, especially if she found another man, but we thought of it the same as if we were dating. Relationships go through phases that progress from one thing to the next. I would have liked for things to progress to where Leigh is currently at, but she did find that new guy, and that brought an abrupt end to it all. On a positive note, she is still someone I consider a friend. Even got a call from her a few weeks back asking how I was doing. It was nice.

 

[tolyk]

Because I know my motive. There was no accusatory attack there. If you feel you know me better than I know myself...cool. If you think it could have been worded better. Fine. I am ignorant. It doesn't change my motive to what you think I meant by it.

Edit : On second read... I may be misinterpreting this... I don't know...

I thought the exact same thing. Then I was like, yes that is the adult thing. Converse. With out personal attacks/inflamitoy curse words

 

[cookiecat]

Because I know my motive. There was no accusatory attack there. If you feel you know me better than I know myself...cool. If you think it could have been worded better. Fine. I am ignorant. It doesn't change my motive to what you think I meant by it.

Edit : On second read... I may be misinterpreting this... I don't know...

I thought the exact same thing. Then I was like, yes that is the adult thing. Converse. With out personal attacks/inflamitoy curse words

What, what???

Sheesh. Online! Dribble. I was responding to your comment "how do we rectify this" which I interpreted as you wondering how we (as a collective group of posters) proceed without stepping on toes. I didn't think you were accusing anyone of anything???!!!!

I thought you were talking about rules for posting as we go forward in order to keep things moving forward positively. My comment about swearing was made toward Pixie's post. As heartfelt and raw as it was, adding swear words seems to escalate an already tense post. I should've been more clear about what I was referencing.

It seems I misinterpreted your post!?

Yes to Tolyk's comment about adulting.

Anyways. Sorry for confusion.

 

[tolyk]

What, what???

Sheesh. Online! Dribble. I was responding to your comment "how do we rectify this" which I interpreted as you wondering how we (as a collective group of posters) proceed without stepping on toes. I didn't think you were accusing anyone of anything???!!!!

I thought you were talking about rules for posting as we go forward in order to keep things moving forward positively. My comment about swearing was made toward Pixie's post. As heartfelt and raw as it was, adding swear words seems to escalate an already tense post. I should've been more clear about what I was referencing.

It seems I misinterpreted your post!?

It took me a couple reads to get your tone. It I totally read as a retort to dribble, not a response. I reread it a few times and got it.

 

[cookiecat]

It took me a couple reads to get your tone. It I totally read as a retort to dribble, not a response. I reread it a few times and got it.

I should use more emoji's. Like now.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I should use more emoji's. Like now.

Just going to pipe in here and say
I emojis

 

[tolyk]

I should use more emoji's. Like now.

Don't you roll your eyes at me! Oh wait, I didn't get the tone again


I kid I kid.

 

[Dribble]

I should use more emoji's. Like now.

God girl...I have baggage too. That is why I read it several times to try to be open-minded to what was being said. And I was wrong in how I first interpreted it.

I thought you were pointing out I didn't think we were being adult...and when I read what I wrote...I can see that. It wasn't what I meant.

Yes...communication. Without put-downs. Without judgmental-ism.

 

[Leigh81]

I should state that our situation although temporary doesn't necessarily mean short term. Been together 3 1/2 years, living together just over 2 years. This has really helped her out financially living with us as she is leasing out her condo & is now mortgage free. She helps out around the house, buys groceries & pays for half the dinners out. She pays nothing else to live here as that's our arrangement.
I still don't consider us poly though. I've always called it a triad type relationship & we have fun with it.

L

 

[Erotically_Yours]

And this ^^*points to posts above*^^ is why clear communication is important.

 

[Dribble]

And this ^^*points to posts above*^^ is why clear communication is important.

Funny when you think about it...most people (like me) have poor communication skills. Those that do? Tend to be those walking and playing outside the norm. Kinda makes me wonder...

 

[Erotically_Yours]

I should state that our situation although temporary doesn't necessarily mean short term. Been together 3 1/2 years, living together just over 2 years. This has really helped her out financially living with us as she is leasing out her condo & is now mortgage free. She helps out around the house, buys groceries & pays for half the dinners out. She pays nothing else to live here as that's our arrangement.
I still don't consider us poly though. I've always called it a triad type relationship & we have fun with it.

L

I’m happy for you and yours Leigh. I remember you talking about your friendship with her many years ago. Must have been quite the adventure up to this point, and the best part is it isn’t over yet.

 

[Leigh81]

I’m happy for you and yours Leigh. I remember you talking about your friendship with her many years ago. Must have been quite the adventure up to this point, and the best part is it isn’t over yet.

I did something really dumb 2 1/2 years ago that almost cost her to leave this relationship. Thankfully we worked it out.
No one has really talked about the sex part of poly type relationships. Ours definitely isn't based on sex but the sex is off the charts. We make Friday nights our night together. We usually go out to eat & then come back home to watch a movie & have fun. We all enjoy role-playing so since Ash & I are both 100% switches we change it up with her & I being dominate/submissive.
Other times it's much more loving, sensual & passionate.
Most of the sex is between hubby & I. Then it's pretty even between the 3 of us along with her & I. The 2 of them get together as well but mostly it's when I'm not around or with me being out of the country.


L

 

[Erotically_Yours]

I did something really dumb 2 1/2 years ago that almost cost her to leave this relationship. Thankfully we worked it out.
No one has really talked about the sex part of poly type relationships. Ours definitely isn't based on sex but the sex is off the charts. We make Friday nights our night together. We usually go out to eat & then come back home to watch a movie & have fun. We all enjoy role-playing so since Ash & I are both 100% switches we change it up with her & I being dominate/submissive.
Other times it's much more loving, sensual & passionate.
Most of the sex is between hubby & I. Then it's pretty even between the 3 of us along with her & I. The 2 of them get together as well but mostly it's when I'm not around or with me being out of the country.


L

This actually brings up something I feel is important: setting time aside for one another. Not necessarily “scheduling sex” but a set time where you and one of your partners have some quality time alone. It helps keep peace of mind that they have a time frame to call their own. Even just an hour every day talking over the phone shows you’re committed to them in at least some small way. Time was always the biggest limitation for me. Between a husband and a 56 hour per week job, my spare time was very limited, but I still took time every day to make my “girlfriend” feel important. It was something we would both look forward to.

Most of the sex was between my husband and I also because, well, we lived together and I had a high sex drive My relationships with women weren’t completely sexual because I enjoyed the cuddling, talking, and hanging out just as much. That said, when it came to sex, some of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life involved a third. There are simply some things that aren’t possible otherwise.

 

[bunny4med]

I did something really dumb 2 1/2 years ago that almost cost her to leave this relationship. Thankfully we worked it out.
No one has really talked about the sex part of poly type relationships. Ours definitely isn't based on sex but the sex is off the charts. We make Friday nights our night together. We usually go out to eat & then come back home to watch a movie & have fun. We all enjoy role-playing so since Ash & I are both 100% switches we change it up with her & I being dominate/submissive.
Other times it's much more loving, sensual & passionate.
Most of the sex is between hubby & I. Then it's pretty even between the 3 of us along with her & I. The 2 of them get together as well but mostly it's when I'm not around or with me being out of the country.


L

We all work 12 hour plus shifts and are usually not on the same schedule. It is nice to crawl in bed with someone at the end of a shift. There is a lot of attacking someone in their sleep. We try to arrange time for the three of us. That mainly occurs on the weekend. Everyone is free to have sex with everyone, but my girlfriend tends to spend a more time with me than with my hubby. She has her own area in our house if she just wants to be by herself. There is no pressure on anyone. Our bed can accommodate 3 (plus a dog on occasion), so it is a community area. That doesn't mean I don't climb into her bad on occasion. My hubby encourages me to have my own time with my girlfriend.
The key is to make sure we have play time for the three of us. So far, so good.

 

[bunny4med]

I see the term, "the other woman" come up in this conversation.
In our case, Ashley is the other woman. She likes being the other woman & she is much closer to me than she is to my husband. She has actually said herself that she looks at this as a type of lease.
My husband & I (our marriage) comes first so she isn't an equal in certain aspects. She knows this, accepts this & prefers this. Our situation will eventually end. When it does I believe that my husband & I will live a monogamous marriage afterwards. This is a 1 in a million situation.

No way would we be doing this if kids were involved. No way would it work if she lived a long distance away.
Everyone is different & the relationships I see in this thread would never work for me/us. But I'm sure that our situation wouldn't work for others as well.
AlwaysFara mentioned communication and sacrifice. You really need good communication but sacrifice depends on each individual situation. In our case there isn't much sacrificing & absolutely no drama.

L

L

This is exactly how it is in our household. It isn't an open marriage as it is only the three of us.

 

[Kat73]

I know sometimes mrppv feels left out because we have talked about it. In a previous relationship with another woman, I felt the same way. Of course she flat out told me her intention was to "steal" my husband. Being able to talk to each other and say, hey I didn't like that, or you hurt my feelings is a big part of open communications. Being able to talk, not yell, not be defensive and being able to listen is what makes ANY relationship work.

My dear friend BFG, since Mrppv doesn't post much anymore, I will see if he wants to respond and add his two cents worth.

 

[tolyk]

I feel both confused and enlightened and am not at all sure how that is. I have no idea who is with who anymore but wish you all the best of whatever it is you’re all hoping for.

Want a chart?

 

[tolyk]

You know, I actually nearly typed that very thing.

Great minds, etc etc.